Can we truly stop? (All responses welcomed)

Hi all,

I figured it has been some time since I posted a "musing of my mind" and as I am nursing a few injuries and Isha time is not really an option right now I thought . . . "Why not post?" I will try to keep it short (yeah I know . . . "sure Isha" :blah:)

Anyway, I noticed a theme in a few threads about "curing, stopping, halting, taking a hiatus and whatnot" from CDing. A response to a thread started by Laura (If a cure existed would you still be you?) about exercising willpower as a potential key to stopping got me thinking . . . Can we truly just quit if we exercise willpower? I am interested in all takes on this (and of course will put my own spin on it) but I would ask that we keep things to responding to the question "Can we quit" and not spiral into "should CDing be cured" "would you want to cured" . . . Thanks. :battingeyelashes:

While I agree in theory that "will power" is a strong enforcer when it comes to some things in our lives and has been very helpful for curbing a variety of addictions . . . I truly believe that CDing is not an addiction in the true sense of the word. Yes while some CDers can get addicted to buying shoes, dresses, undies, etc., these tend to be secondary to the need to dress not the cause of dressing. So, while there is no real body of literature which lends itself to "why we CD" most tend to agree it sits on the spectrum between nature (biological) and nurture (social) most likely more biological than social. For myself I know that Isha (i.e., dressing) is integral to my personality as much as my boy side is. I am not addicted to her, she is just there.

There are lots of examples of will power being used to help to curb addictions like alcoholism, gambling, drugs (i.e., success). However, contrarily CDing has a high recidivism (not the best choice of words . . . sorry) rate. All you have to do is read this forum to identify the countless attempts at "purge" only to return to CDing. Yes it is possible that some folks have had success and have gone on with their lives but from what I have read both on this forum and scholarly journals . . . it is very rare. So while addictive personalities can be controlled by exercising "will power" in addition to support groups, counselling, etc. . . . not so much for CDing.

IMO CDing is not an addiction akin to others as most of the others lead to some sort of "self destructive" behavior. On the other hand from what I have read on this forum, for many CDers dressing (in whatever form), tends to have the opposite effect in that it calms them, gives them clarity and makes them feel happy. In my own personal circumstances, I suppressed my desires for 30 plus years until Isha made her appearance. However during that time I slowly slid from happy go lucky guy :) to angry hostile douche bag husband :Angry3: and finally spiralling into a very dark depressive place (truly self-destructive) :sad:. It wasn't until I embraced Isha that I managed to pull myself back. Yes, you can argue that some CDers may spend way too much money on clothes, potentially lose friends, family and livelihood due to CDing but is that truly "self-destructive" in the manner a gambling addiction is or drug use is self-destructive? The end result is that the CDer (for the most part) is at peace with her/himself (once they accept themselves) and is able to cope better in the world.

So while it might be easy to say " take off that dress, put on pants and just do it" I think we are dealing with something different than an addiction (for most). So IMHO I don't think we can truly quit. We might be able to take a hiatus for various periods to time but we will always return to CDing in some form or another.

So what are your thoughts on this?

Hugs

Isha

Same here, Isha. Once I learned to accept me in all my weirdness (including dressing) I became much happier inside, and according to my wife, much easier to live with. I simply do not see me going cold turkey and quitting because I would be miserable.

Good question and I guess the answer would depend on what type of CDER you are..Can you stop being you ? would be the question for most on this site but I like to look a little deeper into this cding thing..

I picture myself on a deserted island ( no girl stuff around for miles) ..I've think I have found my answer ..Now ask yourself that same question would you find a way to compensate your cding needs with no girl things ?

No, we can not stop. This is 61 years of cd experience speaking.

Jodi

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Originally Posted by Lucy_Bella

. . . I picture myself on a deserted island ( no girl stuff around for miles) ..I've think I have found my answer ..Now ask yourself that same question would you find a way to compensate your cding needs with no girl things ?

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Hi Lucy . . . very good counter question and one I had to give some thought to. I guess in the sense do you mean would I find a way to "dress en femme" (grass skirt and coconut shell bra comes to mind :battingeyelashes: ). Probably not as I would be too busy figuring out to survive. However, that part of me which is Isha would remain resident - dressing is not sexual for me it is just part and parcel of who I am so the compulsion to dress "en femme" would most likely mitigate (not disappear) if I did not have the opportunity. When I left the desert island then I would most likely return to dressing as the opportunity would present itself again. Hope that makes sense. :)

Hugs

Isha

I believe that extreme circumstances can alter ones' behaviour, such as being put in jail or prison, or put into military service in war zones, or like Lucy said, on a deserted island, with no lady stuff. Religions that condemn crossdressing, make it extremely hard for a member to be one. I have been through that. It is DADT, like a DADT marriage. If the urge, or compulsion, drive to CD is gone, then I think one can quit. Most who quit, likely will have the inner girl, or CD, still pulling, and unless one replaces CDing with other hobbies, interests, people, it would knaw at times, sometimes awful. I don't think that would go away completely. i believe one can quit the ACT of dressing, though.

I totally reject attempts to associate transgenderism with addictive behavior. (On a side note, I question the whole will power notion of curing addiction, but that's a whole other subject.).

My father was left handed and grew up in an age where it was actually still viewed as a problem. Through his school years he was forced to write right-handed. He did so dutifully, even after finishing school, and his hand writing was atrocious! Despite the social pressure and even misguided punishment, he remained left handed. No amount of will power was going to make him normal in that respect.

I know this to be true of my gender identity. Whether I choose to dress or not at any given moment, I am what I am. Believe me, I tried for decades to repress or deny this aspect of myself. All that exercise in will-power yielded was self loathing, frustration and sometimes not so latent anger.

I know it's possible to suppres or repress or even pronounce oneself as cured. But I also know the visceral, emotional and even physical toll resulting from repression and denial.

No, I don't think I can stop (I have no desire to do so). How I dress has changed though. I met an accepting woman (we dressed as ladies of the night for our first halloween together). When we met I had explored female impersonation for several years, but hadn't found what I wanted in regards to socializing enfemm. I wanted to dress up and socialize with women, which isn't easy to do! Then I grew a beard and haven't dressed all the way in many years. I still have my wardrobe, though these days I'll just lounge in my silk pj's or nightgown and robe. I always wear panties and sleep in a nightgown.

Then we got married and bought a house and I wonder if I'll ever have any meaningful time to myself!

I am sure that one can quit dressing for very long periods, but one is still a cross dresser. The result of "stopping" is adverse personality issues. For me, when I was in hiding from my wife, I was colder, less loving, and generally harder in every way. At some point, cross dressing will happen again, however. It may simply be underwear, but it will happen.

As an aside, I do not agree with your comment about cross dressing being an addiction.

I think some can stop and some can not. It kind of depends on how much you enjoy Crossdressing. To some it is just clothing. To others it is a major part of who they are

I enjoy crossdressing and really have no need to stop. If something came along that I enjoyed more and conflicted with CDing than I will not CD.

The I think the question for many is, what do you really enjoy? What brings you comfort and happiness? There are few things that are more important than ones own enjoyment of life........... But there are a few

I have a great deal of willpower but I don't have much faith that crossdressing is something that I can quit.

Many years ago I had a problem with drinking. I made up my mind that I would not do that any more and one day I simply quit. Some years later I went from a pack and a half smoker to zero one morning by just stopping. More recently, I dropped 1/3 of my weight in under a year using the same willpower.

I'm not boasting, I have plenty of compensatory failures, but those things that are difficult for lots of people were easy for me. I was able to set my mind to accomplish those personal goals and got them done.

Those were addictions and behaviors. Crossdressing is something different. Something internal.

I recently had a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety. My medical doctor put me on a drug that stopped those feelings, and it works very well. I told my therapist about it and said I was going to use it as an aid for quitting through willpower. She said it could help a lot with the anxiety, but it won't do a thing for the thoughts.

It appears that she is right (again). The compelling, intense desire to crossdress (or anything else, for that matter) is gone. I can now go without crossdressing and not feel miserable. The thoughts still occupy my mind all day long. The medicine has blocked my passion to act on any thoughts, whether CD or not.

(Unfortunate side effect: While sadness and anxiety are gone, so are happiness and excitement. It's not a great tradeoff but it's what I've got right now.)

Best wishes
MsVal

What a great topic, Isha, its one that I have been thinking a lot of lately.

Addictions.

Addictions don't have to be "self destructive" to be an addiction and feeling calm and happy it what causes all addictions. To have an addiction all one has to do is to engage in a behavior that causes certain brain receptors to receive neural chemicals that it really, really likes. These receptors the build up a tolerance for the chemical which means it needs more and more until it can't take any more. But if the receptors stop receiving the chemical it starts to go trough withdrawal causing a negative feedback to the body. Addictions that come from something internal like the self generated feelings from CDing are harder to recognize and are harder to break then an external substance like alcohol

Cross-dressing feels really really good doesn't it? It probably felt even better years ago when one first started. Now one does it just to feel normal, just to get through the day. If one stops dressing one feels grumpy and irritable. I don't know how many times I have read on this site some form of "When I first started it was all about the thrill then as I grew older it just became about feeling comfortable, like myself, and when I tried to quit I became a mean person". This is a classic addiction cycle, whether it's booze, caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, heroine, sex, food, or anything else. It hard to see as an addiction because no CDer looks like the what one thinks of an addict.

Whether the result of all this is negative or positive to living is irrelevant to it being an addiction. It is how this addiction effects an individual's life that matters, and this of course varies from person to person. I would say the high failure rate for CD quitters is due to there being far fewer dangers to falling back. An alcoholic has t fear things like liver damage, black outs, getting into criminal activity, etc...

I believe it is possible to quit CDing with the right motivation to a certain extent. Just like a recovering alcoholic might have stopped drinking the temptation to go back will always remain.

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Originally Posted by Isha

Probably not as I would be too busy figuring out to survive. However, that part of me which is Isha would remain resident - dressing is not sexual for me it is just part and parcel of who I am so the compulsion to dress "en femme" would most likely mitigate (not disappear) if I did not have the opportunity. When I left the desert island then I would most likely return to dressing as the opportunity would present itself again. Hope that makes sense. :)

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But also , from what I read in your reply, was you would not have to find the need to compensate the need to express femininity ( because it's not sexual for you ) ..Question is why would that be any different once rescued? To me ( and I don't know who Isah really is but from what I have gathered she is a very bright ,polite and interesting individual ) by being on that Island was the cure ( from the original question cure to cding ) and maybe we choose to not accept the cure off the Island because of the opportunity to dress, and why we do it, or could it be that it's too convenient ( like chocolate to GGs)..

There really isn't a cure for who we are and as stated you do not have to be dressed enfemme to be Isha the point is we choose to dress to better fit our expression.expressions ..

So to really answer the question is there a cure ? No there isn't as long as there is nothing wrong with what we do and we are not harming ourselves or others .. Why would there be it's not a disease ? In most cases the CDing is actually curing something else.. But cding as a whole isn't needed for survival although some may think it is..

That makes perfect sense :) ..So looking into the question even more in dept .. Lets say you have bad eyesight and you've lost your eye glasses /contacts .. Those would help you in survival or make a difference in your survival.. Compare those eye glasses /contacts to your needs to express femininity ( as many say it is a dire need for survival because of stress ) ...I understand that and I just so happen to agree with it but not stranded on a deserted Island.. Your reply makes sense because you said you would still be who you are Isha without compensating..

I hope that this thread is about CDing /X-dressing and not being a T.G. because that would change everything you can not stop being a T.G. ..that's why labels help sometimes ..Did you mean stop being a T.G.?

Every year from mid June to the first Wednesday after Labor Day Stephanie is packed away. I know Stephanie can and probably will reappear after Labor Day, but, there is no pent up frustration because I cannot wear some of my pretty summery dresses during the summer- sigh. Can I kick cross dressing? Like in never again, not just for the summer? I don't know. There was a time when I had absolutely no stimuli around me (females and feminine attire) to entice me. Yep, combat in a foreign land out in the jungle will break many habits, and, create new habits and issues.

I've tried to figure out why I cross dress. Yes, my mother thought I should have been a girl to round out her concept of an ideal family- husband, wife, son and daughter. I do remember at a very early age rebelling against her thoughts. I suspect the lack of nurturing pushed me to cross dress. Sometimes I envy those who were attired as a young child in female clothing by sisters or cousins. That would explain it easier than wishing you were a girl to seek someone's love an affection. Me? I never consciously thought I should be a girl. I think much of the physical abuse through corporal punishment was due to my mother's disappointment in my gender. This year my mother finally passed on. Although I had been estranged from my mother for many years, and, I felt absolutely nothing when she did pass, my desire to don feminine clothing really waned. I am beginning to suspect my cross dressing was still a subconscious effort to gain her favor. Now, she is dead. No need to gain favor. Does that make sense?

I'll know in the fall whether I "kicked" the habit or compulsion or whatever. Yes, I have bought some pretty dresses this summer, as recent as Friday. Will I put them on the first Wednesday after Labor Day? Will it fulfill some need? I will see. Right now I feel totally comfortable in a pair of cut off jeans so threadbare my butt almost shows through, bare footed, and wearing a white tee shirt.

Hi Isha,

Another thoughtful Isha-thread. What you have written really mirrors my experience. There was a time when I too had put Claire in the closet (also for maybe 30 years) and locked the door. Interesting insight: Claire had dinner the other night with a long-time GG friend who has known me both personally and professionally. When we were working together was the "locked door period". (She was one of the first people I came out to.) She noted that at the time I sometimes seemed confused, and not nearly as outgoing and self-confident as I am now. I realized that probably resulted from repressing part of my being that was just that -- part of me -- and that I was going through a period much as you describe. Now I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and I'd like to think that reflects on everyone who knows me.

How do you "quit" something that is an intimate part of your being? I don't think we really can, and I don't think we should. But there maybe another side to this. Some of us may not have CD/TG as deeply rooted, and perhaps for them "quitting" is possible. Or there may be circumstances that just won't let us CD.

"Can we quit"
Doesn't that kind'a state that you or me or all that CDs would have self doubt in something that they enjoy doing.
Like why would you want to question something that makes you feel happy.
Failing that I guess CD patches or CD gum hasn't been invented yet... :)

Very thoughtful, as always, Isha. Thanks.
Can crossressers stop?
I think it depends entirely on how sane they want to be. lol
If it is simply a matter of stopping I have no doubt that with a gun to anyones head they can fit their behavior to any situation to survive.
But if a sane and healthy approach to life is the goal, then the answer would be no.
How can you, in honesty to yourself and with no ill after affects, simply dismiss that which is intrinsically a part of you?
You cannot.
The repercussions, whether felt consciously or not, will be present in the form of personality issues. You cannot simply repress things without them jumping out to bite you (or someone else) at some unforeseen time and place, sometimes with dire consequences.
That way madness lies.
Are there not enough crazy people in the world, already? LOL

Isha,

The short answer to your question is "No, you will never truly stop because this is a part of you."

I've been sober 24 years. I know that I am powerless over alcohol. I thought I understood powerlessness, until I really honestly and forthrightly faced my gender last year. And I realized that I was powerless over it - and that it was hundreds of times more powerful than my powerlessness over alcohol - I was a fool, I didn't understand powerlessness at all.

What I finally realized was that my cross dressing / gender issues weren't an addiction. They didn't make my life unmanageable. For me, the addiction was trying to pretend I was something other than what I really was - a man. Once I stopped fighting my identity, life started to get better.

Nope I tried that before but with the help of a therapist, I know that crossdressing is a part of me

To answer your question - Yes I can quit, but I don't WANT to and most likely never will WANT to quit. I have never really fealt guilty about my desire to dress. I have always enjoyed it and do not believe the enjoyment will ever go away. I actually stopped dressing for 20+ years, but never stopped thinking/fantasizing about dressing. I don't know if this is an addiction, compulsion obsession, etc, and if I ever figure it out, I'll be able to explain it to my wife.

My first reaction to this question was "Of course you can stop. But why would you want to?" This might seem like a flip answer, but it isn't. If you're going to stop, there must be a reason for stopping. And if there's a reason for stopping, there must be negative consequences for engaging in this behavior. In fact, the negative consequences must outweigh the benefits of engaging in this behavior. This brings us to the real question, "What are the negative consequences, and what are the benefits?"

These are really tough questions. In some cases, the negative consequences are bad. Very bad. But in many cases they they are either non-existent or much less than they are perceived to be beforehand. As far as the benefits go, there doesn't seem to be any uniform answer to this. The answer is different for different people.

I can only answer for myself. The main perceived negative was that people would think less of me. The truth is that most people didn't really care, and the ones that did care were people I didn't care about. Yes, there were a few hurdles to get over, but most people close to me have come to realize that dressing mad made me a much more loving, tolerant, and caring person. This change in my personality was gradual, but it has made "the weirdness" much easier for them to absorb.

As for the benefits, they are subtle. I've always perceived myself as female. I started crossdressing at an early age, probably around 3. However, around high-school age I decided to give up dressing, and live my life as a male. I really worked hard at this, but despite having considerable success in life, I was always unhappy and frustrated without really knowing why. Eventually I started dressing again, and this made all the difference in the world. I became less selfish and less self-centered. I gradually found myself able to reach out to others, and be the caring, loving person I'd always wanted to be. I eventually came to realize that by giving up dressing, I had lost the best part of myself.

For me, the benefits so outweigh the negative consequences, that I couldn't imagine ever stopping. Yes, I could stop, but why would I want to?

Cynthia

I've known I'm a crossdresser all my life... Some of my earliest memories are of borrowing my sisters clothes. But, as a youth and growing up I was able to easily surpress it for years at a time. For the greater part of my life while Donna was always there she was not ever an urge, a need or driving force to 'release'. All that changed last year.

Now, well I tried to go twelve days without 'dressing' and while I succeeded, it was not pleasant. Something has definitely changed to make her a lot more dominant within my personality. While I would not call it a addiction, the symptoms are similar in that denial, 'cold turkey', just stopping is just no longer possible... I have willpower, but that is not 'cure'.

After so many years hidden away, Donna is here to stay. I'm sure, well fairly sure that her level of dominance has plateaued and boy me is still well and truly in the drivers seat.... But...

Isha you may have picked up from my answers before but I know my Cding is sexual and deeply linked to sharing with females. Having the will power to stop CDing doesn't stop my sex drive but it does make a big difference, I have to face facts and be honest on this one and accept not being ashamed of it.
To put myself though mental agony to to try and prove I have the will power to stop would be crazy now because I've only just managed to openly accept my CDing since joining the forum after fifty years of suffering in silence. I am a much happier person now and better husband , father and grandfather. Stopping now could totally turn that around !

I guess I could stop if I really had to do so, but it would be against my will and I would be very unhappy. The "urge" does come and go sometimes and there have been plenty of discussions about this on this forum. But I truly believe that this desire to dress can never really go away.

For me the question isn't if I can stop, but if I can stop and still be happy as I am when I dress. The answer in my case is no, and luckily I have no pressing reason to stop.

I am happier as i am now then anytime before in my life, I've never been able to really stop even when i tried to tell myself i could. No going back now, i'm done hiding.

Tina

I've been dressing for 35 years, and I've stopped many times! But now I'm truly comfortable with it, and I don't see any reason to stop. It just makes me a happier person.

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Originally Posted by Seana Summer

I think some can stop and some can not. It kind of depends on how much you enjoy Crossdressing. To some it is just clothing. To others it is a major part of who they are

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Interesting use of "enjoy". I think perhaps the point is that if you just do something for pleasure, then you can stop (though it might be unpleasant). However, for quite a few people it's about more than ordinary pleasure. The spectrum runs through something a bit more hard-wired - perhaps "fulfillment" is a good word - to those for whom it's about who they think they are, which is what I think CynthiaD is talking about.

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Originally Posted by Seana Summer

I enjoy crossdressing and really have no need to stop. If something came along that I enjoyed more and conflicted with CDing than I will not CD.

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I used to think that about myself, too. I thought CD-ing was part secret rebellion, part titillation. Once I got into a serious relationship, I said to myself, the dresses and high-heels would go to the charity shop. "Dressing-up" would be part of my youthful past, like eating take-aways from the carton or leaving the washing-up until tomorrow - acceptable behaviour for a bachelor, anathema to a wife. ;-)

It didn't work out quite like that. I found excuses for putting the clothes in the loft, rather than throwing them out, and then for getting a few favourite things down and hiding them away, dressing up in secret when my girlfriend wasn't around, and so on. I became quite sneaky, devious even, and didn't realise (or admit to myself) what I was doing. I'm not saying that would happen to you... but it might, and you might be quite surprised if/when it does.

Its interesting that most crossdressers mainly or strictly identify as heterosexual but its also common to fantasize about being with a man even if these fantasies always remain just that.

I have wondered if many crossdressers are female identified but their sexuality blinds them to this truth so as they age and their sexuality wanes their female identity emerges.

Crossdressers who want and must be seen are different than those who only want to see themselves dressed and I think this goes to sex. One is private and the other is public.

Our gender identity needs to be publicly shared so someone who identifies as male will protect this identity by hiding the crossdressing unless they need sexually or for identity what the crossdressing can buy publicly.

If you find it sexually thrilling to be desired as a woman than there will be the temptation to crossdress publicly. If you "Need" to be identified as a woman than you will use the crossdressing to be "seen" as a woman

Publicly it is about sex or identity. Privately men have a strong relationship to the breast where they almost seem to adore breasts and breast are probably the strongest symbol of femininity so owning them brings both comfort and sexual tingles.

Women do not relate to breasts the way men do and the lifelong relationship to breasts could be a clear indication of ones gender and sexual identity.

Transsexuals and homosexual men relate differently to breasts than do heterosexual men.

Ultimately whether someone stops or not or if the reasons for crossdressing change overtime will be decided by ones gender and sexuality including actual and not repressed sexual identity.

Crossdressing is a form of exploration, development and self referencing. Things that last a lifetime.

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Originally Posted by ReluctantDebutant

What a great topic, Isha, its one that I have been thinking a lot of lately.

Addictions.

Addictions don't have to be "self destructive" to be an addiction and feeling calm and happy it what causes all addictions. To have an addiction all one has to do is to engage in a behavior that causes certain brain receptors to receive neural chemicals that it really, really likes. These receptors the build up a tolerance for the chemical which means it needs more and more until it can't take any more. But if the receptors stop receiving the chemical it starts to go trough withdrawal causing a negative feedback to the body. Addictions that come from something internal like the self generated feelings from CDing are harder to recognize and are harder to break then an external substance like alcohol . . . I believe it is possible to quit CDing with the right motivation to a certain extent. Just like a recovering alcoholic might have stopped drinking the temptation to go back will always remain.

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Hi RD,

I cannot deny that neurochemicals which stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain (i.e., dopamine) may be involved as there are no studies to prove either yes or no. However, if this was an addiction of sorts you would have to have a cause (dressing) and effect (pleasure) to stimulate the neurochemicals across the synapses . . . so a prima facia case could be made that if dressing was purely for sexual pleasure then dopamine levels would rise and possibly lead to tolerance thresholds rising (hence more requirement to dress to get aroused). However, this reasoning does not account for those of use who dress because it is part of who we are. Dressing is not sexual for me, it does not arouse me, I definitely don't feel sexy when dressed . . . I just feel like me. I dress because it helps me to express who I am (at least that part of me) to world the same as I dress in guy clothes to express that part of me.

Regarding the cycle you mentioned you likened a CDer who can't dress for a period of time to withdrawal symptoms seen in addicts. Again, if the pleasure centers are being activated it is plausible. However for many (myself included) CDing is integral to who I am. Not being able to express it by supressing (quitting cold turkey sort of speak) would not cause withdrawal symptoms but pure emotional distress which is a different beast. My first experience fully dressed was at 17 years old, I did it once, enjoyed it and never did it again . . . I was ashamed, horrified, ecstatic, pleased and distraught all in one fell swoop. I was new to the military and there was no way I was going to be one of those weirdoes who dresses in women's clothing. So I put it away for 32 years. I wasn't addicted to it as addiction takes time to build up those chemical dependencies. I merely supressed an integral part of my psyche. I survived by hook or by crook but in the end it caught up with me and sent me to a very dark emotional place. This was not addiction, it was emotional well being. If I was to quit now, I would most likely return to a state of emotional upheaval. Now I can stop dressing for a time not because I can beat it but because I have accepted who I am and even though I can't dress at that time, I know that when I can, I will because it is part of me.

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Originally Posted by Lucy_Bella

But also , from what I read in your reply, was you would not have to find the need to compensate the need to express femininity ( because it's not sexual for you ) ..Question is why would that be any different once rescued? . . . Did you mean stop being a T.G.?

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Hi Lucy,

Similar to my response above I may be able to stop dressing for the pragmatic reason of "I can't" but then again I would not stop denying who I am and as such I would not be denying that Isha is an integral part of my psyche. So the Island is not a cure but a barrier to my ability to express who I am. Once rescued, then I would be free again to express who I am.

Although I am not a label gal, I don't differentiate between TG and CD as most agree that CD is part of the TG spectrum.

Hugs

Isha

Isha, I'm sure many of us have contemplated this a lot, especially those of us who have replied positively to other threads regarding the 'cure' or 'magic emergency brake'... I'm one of those... and people have already answered with a lot of truth that probably applies to many, if not most of us..

I have stopped several times in my life sometimes for many years - simple reason: other things in life were more important and demanded all my energy...
Complex (and probably subconscious) reason: fear of discovery in an environment that would have been catastrophic to my career, my family, my life...
I do consider myself fortunate that I apparently do not experience this condition to such a degree that this does not cause me problems when I have stopped - but yes, the feeling, however small, is there in the back of my mind that it doesn't feel wrong to do this... and that feeling can be reinvigorated when life circumstances change, and I don't think it's any coincidence that many (but not all) folk here are at a stage in life when they have some security and confidence that being 'outed' either voluntarily or accidentally will not completely scupper their lives... I believe those folk may well make up the majority of active participants here.

What we tend not to see or hear from much, are those folk that arrive here and for whatever reason stop and move on, without coming back to say - I did it, and I don't do it or need it any more... For sure, there must be some... :thinking:

I do believe that what causes any CDing beyond a purely 'fetish' need is something that relates to being TG - otherwise, why would we need to present what society expresses through fashion, as femininity or an expression that is not of our native gender...? We just experience it to different degrees... so those at the low end of the scale - as an example - can successfully get by with totally clandestine underdressing or existence. Those exhibiting a more powerful urge - perhaps like yourself - can be content with a public presentation of your TG nature, but that also requires coming out to your SOs (for better or worse) because the stress is too much otherwise... And off the scale are those amongst us who are TS, who can't be content with any partial presentation...

That's probably a bit simplistic - but it works for me, and I think it covers most of our mainstream folk, but it is no way an addiction, although I do think there are some of us that exhibit aspects of compulsive behaviour, it's probably not significantly different from the world of muggles...

For some reason I don't find myself pondering the making of a grass skirt on a desert island, but I probably would have to do something creative with the local pearls... ;)

Katey x

While it would be very easy for me to say "Well would you quit modifying cars or building PCs?" I also get that certain circumstances can cause certain pressures to stop/quit.

Can we really quit?
Well, technically, yes. But you have to considder a few factors.

Harm. Who is it harming if you dress? To what extent? But also, how much harm (emotions count) will you be coming to by not dressing.
This after all,is part of our personality whether its a secret or not. Fetishistic or not.
Human sexuality and gender are complex things and can't be boiled down to 'quitting'.
I can quit, but it would be just as easy as turning my skin black, or my blood green.

I started dressing in my teenage years but wasn't until my late 30's started the dressing and guilt trip that comes with each event. I tried talking to my wife of a previous marriage back then went to therpy, purged tons of great clothes over and over again only to find that I would want to dress for a period of time only to stop and purge again. I bet I've read and talked to everyone that could help me and about the age of 45ish I finally relialized that I would have to accept this dressing as part of my life or I would go crazy. I now have a wear at home somewhat policy dress a little and always underneat, go out dressed one or twice a month, drive dressed go out with other Cd's and really just accepted it as part of my life. COULD I just continue to purge and guess what my choices were? I THINK so but when the time came I have learned to enjoy dressing publicly and with other as part of my life. Some people know some people don't I do know that accepting it has made my life easier to deal with it. My wife has accepted this part of me as long as people in my community don't get to see me but overall its made my life better as a person and though there are times I'd like to dress 24/7 I know that thats not part of my life and I can get on with my life enjoying being a woman on some days and being a man the rest of the time. I guess hat I'm trying to say in this long about way; Learn to accept what you can and Just get along with your life "IT'S NOT GOING AWAY Jenn

I can purge and I can take a break, but I can never actually stop. It's like my artistic talent. It's part of me. I've taken breaks but its so much a part of me that I always return to it. for 2 reasons. One, Its just me. Two, I love it.
Sometimes I'm too emotional, as a guy, like watching something very sweet on TV and I get teary eyed. I can no more stop those emotions than I can stop the Earth from rotating. Not unless I remove myself from society and live completely isolated from all stimuli.
I see a gal walking down the street thats got a cute pair of heels on, or a skirt, and I'm like, damn. I want those shoes, or skirt or dress. Same with watching TV..
Nope. I personally can never stop.

Hi Isha, Why would I want to stop something that gives me so much pleasure ??

It's just like the Mafia, You just can't quit !!

I have actually stopped dressing for over a year now for no aparrent reason. I am free to dress whenever I like, my wife is fully supportive but for some reason I simply cant be bothered. Over the last year I have bought new items of clothing and make up yet have never worn or used any of it, have stopped all the leg and body shaving and on occasions have grown a beard again, I still think about and plan to dress but when the time comes just cant be bothered and no idea why.

I think I have to agree with you on this one. I went through some pretty hard times in my life the past couple of years and I found I dressed less & less and the desire simply wasn't there. I don't really wish to get into the specifics on what was going on, but it did lead me to take anti depressants. My wife & I moved from one town to the next and she found some of my en femme stuff. Since she is unaccepting I came up with a BS story about how they belonged to a friend at Halloween and he left them behind when he moved just a week latter. Luckily she bought into it b/c this guy did dress as a woman for Halloween. I also took that as a sign, that maybe it was time to ditch dressing all together, so I purged most of my things. I still have a few en femme items left and the urge to dress and look hot & sexy is starting to come back. I have been seriously thinking of renting a private mailbox to get girly things. I even found myself wandering through the ladies clothing section at Wally World the other day eyeing up bras & swimsuits. For the most part, I have been better. I got in touch with a friend on here who has been encouraging me. So in relation to your topic, that lady in the shadows never really goes away b/c in time I think I will be able to strap on the heels and not feel ashamed. I hate having to hide this from my wife and in some ways she has been the reasons why this has been a gradual process b/c what if she finds my things again?

Eventhough I have quite the passion for my crossdressing, I reckon that retiring from it some day would not be all that much of a struggle. I'm the Barry Sanders (not the Brett Favre) of crossdressing LOL

My quick thoughts .. for me crossdresssing is part of me, it always has been, always will. It certainly feels like an addiction and if I wanted to stop I think I'd have to treat it as such. So I might be able to be really strong and not crossdress, but I'd be a recovered crossdresser. Still wanting to but not touching the stuff, knowing that the moment I gave in all would be lost.
But as you say Isha, there are differences. Crossdressing, per se, doesn't harm anyone or anything, wallets excepted :)
So I could possibly stop crossdressing, and who knows it may happen, as others have described, but at the moment it would be removing a large chunk of my persona and I think i'd be a miserable sh#%

Christen x

Sure, it can be done. Why NOT? It IS an ADDICTION, for probably 99% or higher of MtF CDers, supported by a mountain of evidence at this site alone. [not to mention all those "other" sites which probably outnumber this site by 50 to 1 or better] Google alone shows 28 PAGES of results if you search for CROSSDRESSERS.

"Regular" folks beat "normal" addictions all the time, although quite clearly few can simply go cold turkey on alcohol, drugs or cancer sticks and I know many who have quit some of those addictions many times before succeeding.

But, there are NO OTHER ADDICTIONS that I know of that often end in/have ended in Os and therein lay the difference. IF Os were not both highly addictive AND extremely easy for almost any "healthy" male we would not be rapidly overpopulating the planet. I know one member here who has quit [for the last 18 months anyway] and another who posted on 7/08 "When I had a partner who was ready, willing, and able, and I was VERY fortunate to have a partner like that, I didn’t dress AT ALL. Once we broke up, I resumed my dressing…"

Rest assured she is NOT rowing alone in that boat.^^^

The more important issue is WHY one needs to stop.

Or what makes them think they NEED to stop.

Having ANYthing in one's life that CONTROLS them is a prime recipe for at least one unhappy soul if not many in their same orbit.

For me the answer is an unqualified NO! I tried purging and all that goes with it a long, long time ago and not only did it not work it made me feel unwell.
I first dressed when I was only about 5 years old and I have been doing it ever since. It was a central part of my exploration of sexuality from that age forward. I don't dress every day but always wear knickers and nightdresses as well as other female items. I will sometimes pair androgynous slacks with a blouse. I sit on the toilet always and use feminine perfume. This is all a part of who I am and I just don't want to ever deny it.
Perhaps it will fade away as I get older and lots of other things fade away including any sexual interest but that would not be the result of a deliberate decision on my part.

I suppose it depends on who you are and why you dress. And how important is your reason for stopping. Do you dress for fun, or because it allows you to really be yourself? Will 'falling off the wagon' destroy your future? If I was convinced that my future depended on it, yes, I could stop. But the reason has to be compelling.

Deedee

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Originally Posted by Isha

Regarding the cycle you mentioned you likened a CDer who can't dress for a period of time to withdrawal symptoms seen in addicts. Again, if the pleasure centers are being activated it is plausible. However for many (myself included) CDing is integral to who I am. Not being able to express it by supressing (quitting cold turkey sort of speak) would not cause withdrawal symptoms but pure emotional distress which is a different beast. My first experience fully dressed was at 17 years old, I did it once, enjoyed it and never did it again . . . I was ashamed, horrified, ecstatic, pleased and distraught all in one fell swoop. I was new to the military and there was no way I was going to be one of those weirdoes who dresses in women's clothing. So I put it away for 32 years. I wasn't addicted to it as addiction takes time to build up those chemical dependencies. I merely supressed an integral part of my psyche. I survived by hook or by crook but in the end it caught up with me and sent me to a very dark emotional place. This was not addiction, it was emotional well being. If I was to quit now, I would most likely return to a state of emotional upheaval. Now I can stop dressing for a time not because I can beat it but because I have accepted who I am and even though I can't dress at that time, I know that when I can, I will because it is part of me.

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If pleasure centers weren't be activated for you then how did you liked this? How did you know this was part of you? Some part of your brain must have told you that this was good a right for you to do and it must have felt good. This good or pleasurable feeling must have been better than say watching a good movie or eating a nice meal. this pleasurable feeling must have been powerful enough to get you over the obstacles of shame, fear, and societal pressures. You say its about expressing a feminine side. There are ways for a man to express a feminine side without women's clothes.

A Tale of two CeeDees :D

Your tale has been told. So here is mine.

I'll start I my teens too. I did not fully dress I could only dress partial here or there from time to time. It felt wonderful but I didn't associate it with anything sexual. Sex-Ed back then talked more of when boy meets girl they never mentioned anything about when boy meets girdle. I just saw it as just part of myself that this was who I was. College, getting away from home allowed me to do more. But there was still always roommates, frat brothers, and others hanging around. I would keep putting it off telling myself not now, some day when its right. Pink fog would come and go often times at the wrong moment. It was always girl interrupted, After college, it was the army, after the army it was again roommates. I still didn't think of my dressing as a fetish I still did nothing sexual while dressed. But I still searched for an answer. I was watching discovery channel documentaries on the brain and sex. after over a decade and a half of staying away from anything that reeked of fetish I began to read medical articles on CD fetishes and I could see myself in them. It was confirmed shortly after that when I for the first time got dress and got hands on so to speak. Finally a few years ago I got my own house. I could finally dress now. I even had a room I could devote to it. I even was excited to start posting here. I dressed as often as I could. The more and more I dressed though the less and less joy I was having. I would still dress just to keep from feeling stress of not dressing but this just made it worse as I would stay in my house alone and bored. It finally got to a breaking point, I put my cross-dressing on a permanent hiatus until I could get a better handle on cross-dressing or quit all together.

Perhaps we are different breeds of cross-dressers shaped by our different histories? Or perhaps there are more similarities just different outcomes?

I think your view is right on the spot Isha. I for one tend to be not as happy happy happy when I'm not dressed in some way or other. And I know I could never just quit.And would not even think of it.:hugs:
Angie

"We" keep hearing that we can't quit. One would have to have a reason to quit first off. I think many of us could quit If that reason was strong enough. But "we" aren't all the same even though we all wear women's clothes. My reason to quit would likely be different than someone else's. As long as we have money and there are stores with ladies' departments, there isn't much chance of stopping for most of us. But will any of us have much choice if we end up in a nursing home?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alex Dorset

Interesting use of "enjoy".

I'm not saying that would happen to you... but it might, and you might be quite surprised if/when it does.

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Enjoy was probably not the best word of choice.

My intended point is that we are all different. Some are "better CDs" than others, some feel they must transition, and some feel no need to transition.

For some reason I feel the need to point out the broad spectrum of Crossdressers out there. For GG's and others who may be reading this board be aware that not all Crossdressers are heading for bottom surgery in the future. Some of us just like to wear a dress once in a while. Some more than once in a while. Some would like to wear full female attire 24/7, and some are heading for full transition.

At one point I had quit for more than a decade, got rid of everything, and I could again.......... if the want or need presented itself. Not everyone can.........but some can. Not bragging ......just saying we are all different. So to answer what I thought the original question was "can we truly stop?" Some can.... some can't.......I did not truly stop 20+ years ago (considering I started again a decade or so later) but I think it is very possible to stop, at least for me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ReluctantDebutant

If pleasure centers weren't be activated for you then how did you liked this? How did you know this was part of you? Some part of your brain must have told you that this was good a right for you to do and it must have felt good. This good or pleasurable feeling must have been better than say watching a good movie or eating a nice meal. this pleasurable feeling must have been powerful enough to get you over the obstacles of shame, fear, and societal pressures. You say its about expressing a feminine side. There are ways for a man to express a feminine side without women's clothes.

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RD,

Our responses to life events are much more complex then just having dopamine flood or neurons. Yes they play a big part and the premise that is akin to addiction would mean I would have had to have repeated exposure to CDing over a period of time build a tolerance . . . hence chemical addiction. In my case I did it one time which was enough to scare me to death as it questioned my whole being (who was I?). Using this premise of pleasure centers then we could argue we are addicted to everything that brings us joy in life and that is not the case IMHO. I enjoy a good movie and a good meal as much as the next person and I am sure my dopamine levels soar when I engage in those activities but I am not addicted to them, I just enjoy them. Neurotransmitters are only one piece of the human condition puzzle as we are sentient beings guided not just by raw chemical responses bit reasoning, behavioral adaptation, morality, faith and just plain common sense all which determine what is right for us and what is not. Believe me, it was not the pleasure center of my brain which brought me to embrace Isha, it was the dark despair and utter hopelessness of not accepting me for who I was which brought me to where I am today.

I like dressing in my uniform when I am at work, it brings me a great sense of pride and dare I say pleasure however I am not addicted to it. I like that part of me who is a soldier as he is me, the same way I like that part of me who is Isha as she is me. I never said it was about expressing a feminine side for me (I don't differentiate between the feminine and masculine traits as there are only human traits). Expressing myself as Isha "en femme" is not about expressing a feminine version of me, it is about expressing a part of me who happens to dress like a woman . . . I know that sounds odd but nothing says because I choose to present as a woman that I am trying to be feminine.

Hugs

Isha

Seriously...We need to stop denying all other forms just because it doesn't fit yours.. Definition..http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction

The question for me lies not so much in: Can I quit, but in can I prosper once I quit. I did quit once before (for five years at least, is that long enough to count?) but I only seemed to regress in the process, since I failed at garnering my sustenance from the right source. From what I'm told, there really is only one way to quit and progress towards a life of joy (if not necessarily happiness). Forum rules disallow me to talk about that though.

First, I don't think one answer fits all. People crossdress for different reasons and the intensity varies among individuals.

I tend to agree with Wild, that for the vast majority of CDers, it's a sexual thing, whether it has reached the point of compulsion or not; people can CD for fetish without it being problematic. Many (most?) fetish CDs are likely not members here since this forum wouldn't be fun for them. They go to the gadzillion other websites that cater to men who do this for thrills or sexual pleasure. Maybe some of them double dip and come here too. So can they stop? I suppose it depends on whether CDing brings more negative consequences to their lives than positive ones. But I think it's just a fun thing to do for most. Maybe some stop when and if the sexual thrill is no longer there, when maybe some even join this site!

As to our members who ponder things (not the ones who JUST post pics in the Gallery, or who like to have fun in the stereotypical CD threads like panties, bras, triggers, etc) this is what I don't get: If IT is an integral part of a personality, then we have to define "IT". Is it a female identity (TS)? If so, then why is it acceptable to have a male body and a male life? Or is it a thing for clothes (for some) or for femininity (for others)? Wanting to be feminine is quite different than having a female gender identity. And if it's a thing for femininity, then is this not another variation of having a thing for clothes? Or is it an identity not as a TS but as a crossdresser in its own right (a male who dresses)? If so, then again can we say there is a female gender identity involved? I mean, do crossdressers really have Gender Dysphoria (a conflict between physical sex and gender identity), if they do not wish to make any changes to their bodies and they are happy in their male lives?

And for the life of me I cannot understand the late bloomers, the ones who say they had no clue before their 40s, 50s, or even 60s, although I do understand having repressed this for years and perhaps having it come out only in fantasy until such point when it could no longer be repressed.

For the record, my SO began when he entered adolescence. He did it in hiding throughout his teenage years like many CDers here, but put it aside during college. No privacy. He dabbled a bit during the three years after his undergrad degree, but put it aside again for the following 10 or so years during his grad degree, post-doc, and various teaching assignments trying to find a job (no time and no money). He did have a long-term SO during the latter part of his 30s, and they both had fun with it in the bedroom on occasion, but that's as far as it went. He did get into it more seriously in his 40s (I think this is when it stopped being so sexual), but he was single and closeted from the public. It didn't bloom until we met, in his late 40s. At that point he had the time, his job was secure, and he had me. :) He then kinda went overboard for some years (goodness that was difficult :p), but now things are on an even keel … in fact, less than an even keel because there just doesn't seem to be the time lately. I miss it and encourage it as much as I can. So we could say that he didn't really start until his 40s, and of course this is true, but it has been there all along on and off since his teens.

I don't think he'll ever stop, nor is there any reason to. In terms of gender identity, my SO identifies as dualgender - gender fluid if you will, with aspects of both gendered characteristics. Up until his late 40s, he identified as male. I don't know why the switch, other than recognizing this had morphed from being sexual to not so sexual. He never repressed himself, he was never ashamed of the dressing (he rather thought that society was idiotic for having such unimaginative rules) so I can't say that his inner identity emerged. It was always there, he always allowed it. I do not consider my SO a typical male, he definitely is a feminine male but I think he's been like this all his life. He certainly isn't a different person dressed than in male mode. And he does not consider himself a female. So pronouns are problematic. I refer to him as "he" when I think of him in male mode and "she" in female mode.

So there you have it. We are an unconventional couple and we love it. :)

PS. Willpower plays no part in recovering from addictions to drugs or alcohol, and sex, porn, over-eating, gambling, shopping, or other compulsions if the compulsions are severe.