Feb 21 - That Fateful Day...

Well my wife and I have been through numerous relationship counselling sessions over the past few months with one of the better counsellors that I have dealt with and yesterday, after much discussion, she announced at 6PM that our relationship was over and that there was nothing further to discuss. She said that cross dressing is just something that she cannot get past, that no amount of anything will change her mind about it, that she cannot change how she feels and that she wants to end the marriage.

She wants to stay together as friends in the house for a while to get things sorted out and may want to stay in that state until her mother passes on and our kids are in their own (could take another 4 - 5 years) but just as room mates - the romantic marital relationship is done.

When she announced this I was stunned. I wanted to throw up. I could not believe what I was hearing and yet there seemed nothing further that could be said. She seems to be totally immutable on this issue. She even told me that it was okay for me to start seeking other relationships and intimacy elsewhere.

It saddens me that she just won't try and understand and has just decided that there is nothing further that she is prepared to do. She wants to start working out how we will wind down all of our joint affairs when the time comes. I am in a state of shock and don't quite know what to do, but I can certainly see that she is as resolute now as she was when she first found out 10 years ago.

It is a very sad sad day. The end of 25 years together.

Oh and contrary to what others have said - sometimes it is the cross dressing that breaks up a marriage.


Melissa

you have my heart felt sympathy i wish you the best

:love: susie

Sorry to hear that things are going so bad for you....BJ

Feb 21st would have been my 13th anniversary with my now ex.
Yes that day holds sad memories for me.

Thank you for sharing this. about 30 years ago my wife gave an ultimatum which included crossdressing. I have been a "good boy" since then ... until lately. I am coming out of the closet, realizing that this will probably end the marriage, once she finds out. But I have let the woman in me out. The years of lies to myself have created as much poison as any crossdressing would have, as regards the marriage.

To my sisters, there are those that will honor your life ... they just may not be the people you are with. For those of you who are going through that now, I am sorry for your grief.

You have my sympathy. I am nearly 2 years now without my wife, and though she would not admit it, the crossdressing played a very big part in the demise of our marriage. I felt so helpless.. if I could change I would, but I knew I was/am who i was/am... There is no pain like what you feel now, i can only offer assurance that time heals, and faith will provide...

Chin up girl, as one door closes, another will open....

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.

Please take any and all steps needed to protect yourself. She may pick you clean before you know what hit you. Find a trusted friend (perhaps your father) and start salting away some of your assets beyond her reach. This could turn messy.

Stephenie

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Keep telling us how it is, dear...Don't have any solutions and FEEL for you so badly.

Oh My!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

Hi Mellisa

Sorry to hear of the break up of your marriage

Best of luck for the future

Well, CDing had a fair amount to do with my first divorce, the depression and moodyness of denial of my female side also had a lot to do with it, I was hard to live with. My current marriage was ok with the CDing, but crossing the line into dealing with my TG issues, has caused serious problems. Most women who marry a man don't want to be married to that person as a woman. It's a tough situation, your damned if you do, and your damned if you don't.
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, my first was 22 years, this one is 5+ years, but won't make it to 6.
Amber

"Love Transcends All" ??????? I'm sorry but she couldn't have loved you. Take care and follow Stepenis's advice and protect your self.

Wow Melisa,

I'm sorry to hear things turned out so poorly.
Hugs,
Kim

:hugs: jess

So sorry to hear this. As others have said, protect yourself, find a good sympathetic lawyer (very important!) and most of all, keep your head high and keep your strength. There is life after, and it is true, that when one door closes, another opens.

Hugs,

Annie - who just went through this 3 years ago.

though this is a blow to you, and you will heal, (been there done that twice), take comfort in knowing that she still would like to remain friends and would like to settle and joint property with you over a time period. I was slam-dunked twice and was left holding all the bills and filing bankrutcy twice. I have a feeling that your dressing was only a part of the issue. Perhaps you two will get along better as friends, or maybe not. Go with the flow and keep your cool about it. Its a rough road, but one that all too many of us have travelled....once or twice:D

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear about the end of your marriage especially after so many years! :hugs:

But, it sounds like though she is trying to forego a big hassle with attorneys and such with the divorce by taking the time to sort things out.

Anyway, I wish you luck in dealing with this.....and you know that you have our support!

It always hurts when I see a relationship come to this. You have my deepest sympathy and support. It is hard , it hurts, the loss of dreams, the sense that in some way you failed, but know you didn't and you have friends here who care and support you. Still Stephenie S. has some points to consider don't let your pain blind you to takeing care of yourself and your children. Yes you have to morn the loss, but still act and prepare for tomorow. Please stay in touch with us it will help. You are important to us.

I am sooo sorry for you. I know that you feel at the bottom of a whole pile of hurt right now. I've been there! With my first wife it was just an excuse.
I truely hope that she will think it over a bit more.
Get her some chocolates to help her think. Chocolates have a calming effect sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear your wife's decided to end your marriage
maybe this is just a storm and in time she will change her mind, maybe not.
Either way, like the others have said , hope for the best but prepare for the worst. :hugs:

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

My thoughts are with you. Since I have never been in your situation, but certainly could in the future, I have no comforting advice to offer. I'm saddened by this.

You know I have been with you on this since before you started CDing again.

You also know how strongly I am in favor of you NOT giving your wife all the power.

You've been very fair, dear heart, and while the situation is terribly sad, you will not only get through it but it will lead you to a better, freer place.

I love you.

Kisses,

W.:love:

So sorry to hear about your breakup. Crossdressing and marriage just don't mix, despite the few who say their SOs are OK with it. Most aren't.
I was married for 17 years, and crossdressed through all 17 years. My wife only found out when I finally shaved my legs. Within weeks, she had a boyfriend at work, and shortly thereafter announced she was leaving. At first she said she thought I should leave. I said we should try and work things out, and that I wasn't going anywhere. "This is my house"! Because she had a boyfriend, she eventually decided to leave, herself, and left me the house, the kids, and the dog.
I have been single now for 25 years, and love every minute of it. I know it's tough at first, but do not make the mistake of rushing into another marriage.
Being suddenly single after many years of marriage can be traumatic, but you will get used to it. And there is no greater freedom, than being able to do as you please, when you please, and if you please. And being able to spend your money on whatever you want, without checking with someone. And trust me, when you stop chasing women, and don't give a damn anymore, they chase you big time.:2c:

I am stunned....I was praying for a better outcome for you. And I am very proud of you saying you will take the high road. To me...she asks alot....stay till her mum passes and so on...when she will not give an inch........I'm sorry hon...but think alot of you for how you are handling things....:hugs:

Melissa, my thoughts are with you my dear. I can only speak from my own experience but what you have been hearing here is all very good. Retaining a sympathetic lawyer is most critical, he or she can advise you on the legal matters. The child's welfare is most important and two people putting up with each other is not a loving atmosphere. If the marriage is indeed over then you must act now, protect yourself, your son and end the relationship. Divorce doesn't have to be a long and painful process, but many do become messy when sides are drawn up and emotions are raised.

Take care, good luck my friend and please keep in touch with us as things evolve.

Melissa, words fail to express my sorrow for you and the situation you find yourself in. IMO, your wife's requests to maintain appearances is unreasonable. She is the one who initiated the demise of the relationship and she should be prepared to deal with the fallout just as you must. Perhaps she should have thought about how her 81 year old mother and her son would be impacted by her actions before she started down this road. She doesn't love and respect you but she still wants you to take care of her? How fair is that?

Darling just remember that the end of something always means the beginning of something else---although your wife is ending(well kind of--at least the sexual part of )the relationship, you now have the freedom to explore and devlope yourself---good luck!!xoxox Janessa

Melissa
i am very sorry to hear that we have talked about this i was so hoping for a better outcome for you, my heart goes out to you,
you know how to reach me :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephenie S

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.


Stephenie

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My thoughts exactly. It was so nice of her to tell you that you have a roommate. If she wants to leave your life, fine thats her choice, but don't let her run your life after leaving. You deserve better than that.

Well it's time to drop the other shoe... Dust off that little black book that you've been saving somewhere and call up a couple of old flames and act like you got a date. See how she reacts then. If she gets mad and says she'll "out you" to her, then she still cares and you should be patient and wait a little while for her to cool off.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by melissacd

"you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off
Melissa

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Get your club and grab her hair and drag her a** out the door. Maybe then she'll be turned on? Is this what she is looking for in a man?
Has she considered your qualities as a person, that are obviously affected by being tg, which has made this relationship last so long? Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

I really do feel for you and hope that you get the best this is not an easy
thing to do or deal withand we all must choose our own path.Goodluck to
you and remember you do have friends here to talk to.:hugs:

All,

I appreciate the support and feedback from all of you. I debated with myself as to whether or not to post this event in my life and then I realized that I needed to do this for the following reasons:

- because sharing helps me to feel less alone in this process
- because there are so many confused thoughts going through my head right now and it is good to get feedback from others to do a sanity check on what is happening and what she is asking of me
- to learn from the experiences of others so that I know what challenges I face, what obstacles I need to navigate around

Perhaps the most important aspect of doing this is that it is cathartic, it helps me deal with my grief over this. There is a sense of suspended dis-belief, the rational part of me knows this is happening, but the emotional side of me is still in shock. By talking this through I start to come to terms with the reality of this situation and start to work out a plan to get from today to tomorrow.

Again, thanks for all of your support.

Huggs
Melissa

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sophia Rearen

Get your club and grab her hair and drag her a** out the door. Maybe then she'll be turned on? Is this what she is looking for in a man?
Has she considered your qualities as a person, that are obviously affected by being tg, which has made this relationship last so long? Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

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Sophia,

She really has a problem with the whole image of me being femme in any way. I cannot change that about her, much as I have tried, it is the way that she feels. The process of counselling has helped me understand the depth of that abhorance in her. With the help of a counsellor to work through that particular issue, even the counsellor agreed that my wife is in a place where she cannot be swayed from her belief system, it runs too deep within her.

I thought that my saying that I accept that she does not ever want to be a part of this and that I would keep it out of sight out of mind would be enough, but apparently I was wrong.

This supports a theory that I expressed a long time ago - which in fact she stated herself in counselling a few weeks back - that love is not unconditional. She is clearly proving that, what she has basically said to me is stop the cross dressing or stop the marriage. Stop being true to yourself or you cannot have me.

I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

WOW, I am truly sorry.
(You and I met as you drove us to the last dinner of xpressions)Please take my offer of sincere friendship.
Stay only as long as you can bear it-you must now consider your self as well as your kids.
Please stay healthy and in touch.We are your support group.
Hugs, Helen.:hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by melissacd

I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

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I'm sorry for you that it came to this, and sorry that there is a child in the picture who is an innocent bystander. There's never good solutions to this. I'm a strong advocate of telling spouses, but when there are children in the mix...it's hard.

A thought; I know this has been going on for ten years. How dysfunctional has the relationship been during those years? Don't have to answer me; but consider this; would five more years of exposure to a dysfunctional relationship vs. leaving the house be better or worse for your son?

Another thought. This will sound callous and cruel though I most emphatically do not mean it that way. Your mother-in-law's life could be affected by the choices you make. But, so can yours. Is your health being damaged by remaining there? It's not a question to answer now; it's too soon, too new. But, a year from now it might be worth revisiting that question. Your first responsibility is to your son (in my opinion) and your health has a direct impact on that. Repression, depression, living a lie...these things can have very significant impacts on your health. Your son needs both his parents. That consideration outweighs the consideration of your mother-in-law's health.

I also concur with a number of earlier comments; protect yourself. At this stage, you are the only person who is going to do so. Too many times I see grief stricken, parting couples where one thinks nothing bad will happen and the other is out for blood.

Don't make any rash decisions. This grief is too new, and will color your every decision. Take some time to breathe.

-BB

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear this. I often wonder, and frequently worry, when I hear stories such as this. How people can be in love and in a marriage for so many years, just to end it. How can it get to that?

It makes me reflect on what I can do to keep my wife happy and in love. She's not been able to get over my CDing. She gives me some free time but hasn't expressed any desire to participate. I worry that my dressing will cause a wedge between us.

Melissa, please keep us abreast of how things progress. We are here for you. Hopefully, together we can all find a happy way forward.

Kathleen

I think your choice to post was sound. Where else will you find so many opinions on a situation like this? From what you've written, it appears you've been more than fair throughout and have positioned yourself to effectively remove crossdressing from your marital daily life. The way I see it, you've done enough. More than enough.

I suspect there is more than crossdressing that your wife finds wrong with the marriage. Crossdressing may simply be the anchor to hang all the "other" littler things on. Even if you were able to stop dressing altogether, I doubt her stance would change much, if at all, considering what you've been through the previous 10 years. So, it would appear it's over, after 25 years. It is a shame. It's also a starting point. An exciting time for you if you let it be. Focus on that. I wish the best for everyone involved.

You know, at least you gave the counseling a try. I believe it would be terrible thing for you to try and hide who you are, first and foremost before you can make anyone else happy, you yourself must be happy with yourself, you must love who you are and what you are. that being said, coming from someone who has an accepting spouse:love: , i can tell you that until i came to the realization and accepted what i am, it has been hell in this family, at least that is what she tells me, since i have fully accepted my transgenderism ( i love being a girl, just trapped in this boys body!!), she says i have been much happier and it shows to her and the kids. maybe if you and youor spouse live in the same house and since it doesnt turn her on, then you could be girlfriends? not until the kids are gone more than likely, if her mind is that closed, you probably cannot change that, it is unfortunate that women will sit in groups and complain about their husbands, and wish they were more like their best freind, and then when we show them "the softer side of Sears" the go weird. butu hey we will always love you for who you aree and not judge you. [/COLOR="Blue"]
_______________________________________
ERICA

Quote:

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Originally Posted by melissacd

Sophia,


I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

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Melissa, she has made her choice and I'm glad to see you have made yours as well. Live on, girlfriend!

Sorry to hear this has come about, Melissa. I know you've been trying to be accomodating to her feelings for a long time, to the detriment on your own well being.
http://crossdressers.com/forums/show...091#post116091

A thought

....this might be *REALLY* stupid...yet I thought of it and here it is:

You have been very understanding and feminine in this role of revealing your Crossdressing to your Wife. What if all that feminine understanding is sending her a message that her *man* is already gone?

Perhaps a more masculine approach might alter the chemistry?

Being assertive about your needs, and how they are going to be fulfilled while you express and demonstrate your commitment to fulfill her needs - EXCEPT for her needs that are selfishly in conflict with yours.

The time for enabling is over - it didn't work.

The only way to break her image of you as a crossdresser is to remain one, and fulfill her as a man. Show her your masculinity and femininity in alternation, and with authenticity.

Maybe even let her see you EnFemme (after a Damn Good Makeover!).

I don't mean sex, that *has* to be consensual. I mean as a provider, boundary setter, protector, action-taker. Of course, if there is the slightest invitation to the budoir, don't hesitate!

She may need a little push-back to *know* that her man is really there.

.......and this might still be *REALLY* stupid

If this doesn't feel like a TRUTH to you, don't try it. It might really mess up the "soft landing" you seem to have in store.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. Having been at the end of a marriage (more than once, but not related to my dressing) I must tell you that there is a strong possibility that your dressing is only an excuse for her to not deal or fess up with other reasons. It is a very, very rare situation where the two of you could live together as she says she wants. If the mariage is truly over, then move on immedaitelt and end it. Toi not do so will result in some very strong bitterness between the two of you and could ruin the relations with your children in the long run. It is best to "pony up" and move on to what will in time be a stronger and happer life. You are who you are and you should not ever be afraid of that. I wish you wellness, peace and love.:love:

Dear Melissa, it is especially painful to hear of the trauma and heartache you are going through, because I experienced the same thing with my wife last summer.

On the one hand I was devastated and dumfounded. However, I quickly signed up with one of the leading on-line dating services and discovered that there are a lot more women my age looking for men than vice versa. (One of the advantages of being a certain age.)

For the moment I am enjoying the freedom of living on my own (as I have described in previous posts). And I am keeping open the hope that I might eventually find a woman who is more accepting of both sides of me. It could happen. But even if it doesn't, it's more important that I be true to myself - if I am to survive.

Maggie

Melissa,

I didn't see mention of how old your son is. I think you should talk to you counselor about telling him. I'm quite sure she will use the CDing to divide you and your son.

At this point, I would be concerned with YOUR benefits and concerns. If things affect HER mothers' health, oh well.

The heck with calling up old flames. Just tell your ROOMMATE, you're having a T-girl party next weekend (Friday night through Sunday!). I'm quite sure there's a number of girls in your area that would be more than happy to show up.

And like Stephenie said, protect yourself. But don't go hide in a "closet" doing so.

Jaie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sophia Rearen

Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

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In this regard, remember the experiences of gays: for some people, to find out someone is homosexual is something that cannot be gotten over. Especially if the gay person is male -- the thought of someone "letting someone else do that to them" completely revolts some people, to the point where they cannot work with them, and continued friendship is out of the question. You've probably encountered a person or two like that yourself: it isn't a "hate"; neurosis might be closer.

Note that the above is intended as analogy, to point out that "it happens", and sometimes it even happens in "nice people" who don't enjoy the response at all but have to live with it. Historically, similar things have happened between different religions, and between different races. And if Melissa CD's wife happens to have that kind of reaction, then we can't fault her for being true to herself in expressing it.

"Shallow"? Not necessarily. If it would take years of therapy to get her over it, we can't expect her to undertake that. If his wife had Coulrophobia*, and MelissaCD was telling her, "Sorry, sometimes I just have to be a clown!", then we wouldn't be talking about shallowness or ungreatfulness or the like. We each of us have our burdens, and the time is not always right to put those burdens aside.


* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coulrophobia -- fear of clowns.
Read the description -- it has similarities to the crossdressing situation.

I am sorry that things did not work out, but I my case it is totally different. Since I told my wife of 8 years or marriage is stronger than ever. It has brought us closer and we share many more things now than I believe we did before.
My wife is as supportive as you posibly can be, the crossdressing has never been an issue. She has even gotten upset with me because I don't dress every night. My wife loves me for who I am on the inside, and dosen't care if I am wearing a dress and heels or a shirt and pants. The clothes do not matter it is the person in those clothes and how the wife and the crossdresser feel towards one another.If you love one another and believe in the vows of marriage then crossdressing will not affect how you feel one way or the other.
If you want to know how the wife of a cd'er feels try reading My husband wear my clothes by Peggy Rudd. It will enlighten you on how your wife or s/ o feels. I have just finished reading this book and I will tell you now I understand a lot more than I did about how the wife feels.:2c:

Sorry to hear about you and SO can't work things out between you. I wish the best for you as in time pass the wounds will heal.

My heart goes out to you. I know from talking to you at Fall Fling, that you have made a long term and serious effort to reach a workable situation.
As others have said, she has decided that the marriage is over, so you need to do what is best for your son and yourself.
Wishing you strength, wisdom, and all the best

Hugs
Trisha

Mellisa,

Please tell me that there were other issues other than CDing that have led to the end of your marriage!? I was married for 25 years and it disolved over some overcomeable cicumstances none were CD related. But if you have made a decision to dislove the relationship over CDing the I just hope that you won't be burdened with regrets later. Regets I know about and living with them is not pleasant. Please please be sure that crossdressing is more important to you than your wife and children. If the choice is between the two reconsider. I understand when to much water has passed under the bridge and there is a point of no return. The thing that strikes me is "you don't know what you have till it's gone" please take care.

Jennifer:hugs: