Should S.O. or Wife See You En Femme?

I believe it is important to tell your wife or SO about your cross dressing. I feel dishonest if I keep a secret of that magnitude from her. However, I have decided not to allow my future wife and/or SO see me en femme. Here's how I got there:

I dressed in front of my ex-wife a couple of times, and I dressed in front of my last girlfriend a few times. In both situations I felt a definite change in the relationship immediately thereafter. It was as if I had thrown a switch. Things were never quite the same after that, and I don't mean in a good way. I think some women feel as if their femininity or status in the relationship is threatened when they see you en femme. Cross dressing is very much like having an affair with another woman. The woman is part of you, but it still is infidelity in a way.

In the future, I will let them know about Carrie, but just keep her clothes in the closet when the real woman of the house is around. If your SO ASKS to see your alter ego, maybe it would be a different matter.:2c:

What do you think?

My wife loves it when I dress

My wife enjoys me dressing and does my makeup. I do not fully dress all of the time. I wear panties and stockings under drab clothes with the occasional bra sometimes. So some days she has a man. Other days she has a woman. In between she has some mixture that is the everyday me. We don't have any real issues about dressing.

I agree with you!

If you have a convincing female presentation it can have a chilling effect on your wife's romantic feelings. I have to keep Sally out of sight on a weekend when we want to be together.
If your SO has non-hetero leanings or fantasies it might be different.:2c:

My wife and I share a wardrobe. The only concerns I have dressing in front of her is that I'm wearing what she was going to wear the following day.

But that works the other way too :D

Well the only SO I've ever told about my dressing is my current love. I made the decision to tell her about two years after we started dating seriously. I was about to move to the other end of the country and she was considering moving as well. I didn't think it would be fair that if we were going to move in together that she should be kept in the dark.

That was five years ago. I'll be the first to admit that it's taken her a long time to be comfortable seeing me dressed. We're now at the point where it's all good and just another part of our lives.

The main thing that got us over the initial "Back to Russia" reaction was I think, primarily that she is an accepting person and loves me for who I am, not what I wear. Like me she is a very open minded person and treats everyone as an individual, not a collection of labels.

We also took it very, very slowly. One step at a time, moving towards a level where we were both comfortable. Then resting, adjusting and making sure we were both happy, before seeing where the next step would take us.

One other thing I think could be a factor contributing to our stable relationship is how we envision my femme self.

I've seen a lot of girls on here anthropomorphize their dressing, that's not a condemnation, just an observation. That is, take the whole package of dressing and bundle it into an Identity, almost a whole other person. Not litterally a whole other person, this is all just metaphor.
When you take something like this and envision it as a person / persona. Your significant other then does have another woman to be jealous off. Let's face it you buy this other woman gifts, you pay for her beauty treatments, you make sure she's happy and in return she makes you happy. For some people there is a receipt of sexual gratification. Never mind that you may be having sex with your wife, you could be deriving pleasure from the other woman in your life.
No wonder she could be feeling left out or jealous.

Although I choose to have a femme name, Sophie. She isn't another person she is me. When I dress, my SO still calls me by my given name. Not because she can't deal with me being called Sophie, far from it. I think it could be because she doesn't see the two of me. She just sees me. There is no division of masculine / feminine to what makes me.

Well that got a little deeper and more meaningful than I intended it to and I know it's just my opinion backed by armchair psychology. It's not true for everyone. Then again, very little in this world is one size fits all.

This is difficult because not all wives or partners will react the same way, and it's not predictable.
My wife sees me en femme a couple of times a week and I would say she is tolerant rather than delighted to see Ruth. Seeing me en femme, and admitting my overt feminine behaviour, however, has not put a dent in her affection for me.
And she has noticed that my femme time pays dividends in that I am a nicer and more affectionate male than I was when I kept this stuff repressed.

Carrie I know what those "switches" are like...good point.

Only you can gage the right time to tell your S.O. and her temperament or reaction to it.

But really...you'll have to show and tell sometime...That is a given in the relationship...when will be entirely up to you!

For me it was a couple bottles of wine,quite night,warm fire and many hours of uninterupted talk and crying(on my part)...starting with "Transvestite 101" and ending with "this is where I fit into the Transgender Nation.I then answered all her questions and concerns as honestly as I could.

I thought that then was a good time for me to show her Krystyn...I asked her if I could...easied into it...and did it.

She has been very supportive since I "came out" to her.I couldn't live a lie and she,as my wife,deserved to know.That's the honesty part of the relationship.

Sometimes while dressed with her I do sense a bit of a threat situation...and she has commented that "my husband looks better in my clothes than I do" type of remark...I gently backoff then...I really don't look better...well maybe just a smiggen more...but only in some outfits(we are the same size in some things).

I think you speak the truth in your statements...but only you know whats right for you and when it's right!

Krystyn

thats a tough question, My wife has seen me dressed. And she accepts it. But it does chill things. She sees bree as another woman it it does have a chilling effect. She treats me differently, i won't say cold, but shes not jumping me either. But in her defense, shes still getting use to everything. And realisticly i think most woman will treat us differently dresses than as thier man. I think they feel they have lost thier man.

Do you tell her? well i think a person should, a healthy relationship should have no secerts.

For me, this discussion--the pros and cons and variations on a theme--a very helpful. My SO doesn't know. I am troubled by the deceit, but I am terrified by what might happen to our otherwise wonderful relationship if I introduce her to my femme self.

My wife almost never sees me as in male persona. She doesnt even remeber what I look like that sometimes.

Currently I am neither married or have a SO, but if I did I would definitely dress in front of her. Because I've been there before with the out of sight out of mind situation and it did not work out very well.

So in the future, listen up now, any SO or wife of mine will be one that wants and looks forward to seeing and interacting with Erica

Erica

my SO has bought me clothes and make up ,but wont see me dressed
she says she doesnt think she could handle it , thats ok with me I dont Push it
I think it is rare for a women to like their man being dressed and go out as two women , I have meet a few women that go to my cd club dinners
but only maybe one or two that will go out in public with there SO dressed

I have an "Its a private thing I do" attitude. Letting her see me dressed is just as 'out of line' to my senibilities as letting her watch me "pleasure myself"---some things we both do in private are just "personal".

Of course this is just a PERSONAL feeling I have in relation to myself. I am not judging those of you who feel differently, and to whom approach CD from a different POV. I can understand that.

I'm with you 100% Carrie. I was married twice and each time I told my SO before we were married, that I dressed. Neither one of them approved so I hid whenever I dressed. Each one caught me en femme and thingg definitely did change in a negative way. My first marriage ended in divorce (she blamed it on my dressing). My second wife stayed with me until she passed away this past August, but her opinion of me was different after she saw me en femme.

I'm in a new relationship now with a new SO, and I told her that I dress. She has mixed feelings about it but so far, does not dissaprove. She is trying to understand my need to dress, which I think is a plus for both of us. I have a good thing going with my SO and I don't want to ruin it by coming out to her unless she is absolutely ready. As long as she is ok with my dressing, I dont intend to do anything that could turn against our relationship. Luv and :hugs: Jill

I've always told any GG that I start to get close to that I dress. I was fortunate in that I had a very close GG freind who I knew since 1969 who was very,very interested in my dressing. I recommend that anyone who crossdresses tell their partner if the relationship starts to evolve into something serious. If she disaproves or thinks the less of you then you'll know that shacking up could be a mistake. I think it's OK to dress all you want at home in front of your SO. I once stayed dressed for 3 days at my GG freind's apartment. But use a little sense,your not just a child to be entertained by your SO and you will have to be a contributing member of the household with chores and everything else.

Not really to add anything except it is such a shame that it has to be this way..with any negativity period. just sad... hugs to anyone that is made to feel like they are doing something that is wrong or would make them seem less in someone elses eyes...

My wife is fine seeing talking to siting holding hand just not love making :hugs:
Angie

Carrie Ann, I agree with you for the most part. I'm sure there are exceptions, and some of them are right here on this forum, my wife is okay with my dressing, but not okay with seeing me dressed. When she does, it is a setback in my opininon. Ironic that the one thing I would like to gain in all this is her companionship while dressed, and yet I don't see that happeneing for a very long time. Yes, they need to know, no they don't need to see. If they ask great, if they don't so be it.

I agree 100%, my wife found out a couple months ago and it's ok I'm wearing panties every day & painted my toenails but doesn't want to see me enfemme which I will not push on her. If & when she's ready I'll be ready too!:happy:

My wife is completely OK with my dressing. But is not interested in seeing me completely "en femme" -- full make up, wig, etc. And I fully understand her position.

But we do get to share "girlfriend" moments like shopping (she values my opinion on clothes), and she always recommends "Skirt Therapy'" as she calls it, when I've had a stressful day at work.

I'm always amazed at how the day's stress melts away when I'm in a skirt.:2c:

yes they should. they can be some help in giving you advice on what you should and should not do. i have dressed enfemme in front of my girlfriend a few times and said 'im cute' of course she says that about my male side too :p shes not the type of girl who could give you advice on what you should and should not do. the only thing she says are: 1. no dressing in front of our families. 2. no dressing for service. 3. no dressing in front of her womans ensemble (shes in a womans chorus). 4. no dressing when picking her up at work (which i done a few times). she just wants me to do it in her apartment with just her when i go to visit.

A very interesting thread. I agree that telling the truth as the relationship begins to get serious is important. Whether to dress or not in front of an SO I think would depend quite a bit on the SO.

If a person tells the truth about dressing, but doesn't include the SO in that activity, isn't that more like cheating than being totally open about it? True, the SO knows about it, but still is likely to have resentful feelings about the activity being pursued while SO is not around. I'm not sure anything is gained by the "semi-sneak" approach.

If one tells early on as the relationship is developing, and gets a welcome reaction (ie, accepting, not just tolerating, and maybe even participating during the courtship), then that is an SO that is likely a better fit. A different type of reaction, in my opinion, means it likely won't work out, and both might be better served by pursuing other people. I realize that might mean being alone, but for those who don't already know about my past (got messed over badly by the ex-wife), my situation is such that I'm OK with flying solo, at least for a while. :2c:

quite innocently my dressing came out by itself. we had just gone thru relationships and found ourselves alone. i needed a house sitter(for wilma my ger.shep.) i was a long haul trucker i had some belongings of my last g/f in the top drawer. my now wife found them(duh) while cleaning while i was on the road! (go figure!) she told me her 2 previous hubbys had both been dressers.whoopie!! boy it was easy then. shes still not comfy with the whole enchaulada but im happy the way things are going.

I am happy to share Bre with her. And as long as she gets her man plenty of the time too she is good with it. It's all about balance ;)

I'd just like to add a GG comment here:

Personally, I have no prob with a husband/bf en femme, however, other GG friends say that "I am weird" because of it too.

My feeling is that secrets do more to damage a relationship than CDing ever could. In a healthy relationship, both parties should trust the other and feel safe confiding in each other. When one side feels they must hide something from the other, than there is a problem with the relationship. You should never have to feel afraid of your loved ones. Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship. As much as wives will hate to admit it, if their husband is afraid of her, than most likely she has a problem, not him. Well, at least that's how I feel about it.
:2c:


And what would I say to the wives and gf's who disapprove and get upset over the husband en femme, is this: What is on the outside is not important. It's what's on the inside that counts. Everyone has feelings. No one likes having their feelings hurt. Everyone wants to look good. No one should be punished for dressing in a way that makes them feel good.

Well said Eelkat :)

I too have no problem I live with the dressing 24/7, it would be more strange to see her in male clothes now.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by EelKat

I'd just like to add a GG comment here:

Personally, I have no prob with a husband/bf en femme, however, other GG friends say that "I am weird" because of it too.

My feeling is that secrets do more to damage a relationship than CDing ever could. In a healthy relationship, both parties should trust the other and feel safe confiding in each other. When one side feels they must hide something from the other, than there is a problem with the relationship. You should never have to feel afraid of your loved ones. Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship. As much as wives will hate to admit it, if their husband is afraid of her, than most likely she has a problem, not him. Well, at least that's how I feel about it.
:2c:


And what would I say to the wives and gf's who disapprove and get upset over the husband en femme, is this: What is on the outside is not important. It's what's on the inside that counts. Everyone has feelings. No one likes having their feelings hurt. Everyone wants to look good. No one should be punished for dressing in a way that makes them feel good.

---

EelKat,

I agree with a lot of what you say ........ and in an ideal world that would be it ............. but also in an ideal world, their would be no lies, no secrets and the cdr would be able to go out dressed as they like 24/7 ........... unfortunately this is not an ideal world, so we have to make do with the one we have and I am sorry but dressing does have an effect on the partners and family of dressers so I would say to them .............. "you do have the right to feel upset, and hurt that the person who is meant to be closest to you in the world, has hidden such an important part of themselves ", and unfortunately looks do count in this world ........... we are all guilty of pre judging somebody on apperances, & by their actions, we are after all only human.

While I applaud your accaeptance ,I feel offended, that you infer that my partner did not tell me about himself because of, as you put it " there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship", ............ I am sorry but on that count for me, and many other I feel, you are so wrong ......... many partners here have found our years into their relationships .............. does that mean all those partners are untrustworthy ??? many cdr's will readily admit to not admitting to cding, for many different reasons, and lack of trust in their relationship/partner is very rarely mentioned

So should your wife/husband/partner see the dresser en-femme .............. YES, YES, YES, but only if both are comfortable with it, what works for one does not work for all

I more or less agree with Marina her. It's a private thing for me, and always has been. I'm not sure just how comfortable I'd be having her see me all dressed up. She's very traditional, and really is not down with the whole dressing thing.

On the other hand, she knows I do this, but I'm not sure she knows to what extent. If she did, I'm not sure what her reaction would be. Since she knows that I do this, if she were to let me know that she wanted to see me, I guess I'd arrange to let her see me. Since she never mentions it much at all, I figure she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to know. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's her choice, for the most part. I don't force my little (big) habit upon her, and she doesn't get all over me for my idiosycracies. If that changes, then perhaps I'll entertain the idea of dressing in front of her. But in my opinion, that's not likely to happen.

Love one person is love all package, even though good thing or bad thing.:love:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Merry

Love one person is love all package, even though good thing or bad thing.:love:

---

not neccasarily

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Eelkat

Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship.

---

I missed this bit when I posted earlier still had sleep in my eyes. But I too disagree with this, it isn't lack of faith-trust it's fear of not knowing what the partner will say or do. I kept a kind of secret when I first found out, why didn't I tell because of what I've just said fear of not knowing how Nigella would re act.

Personal opinion: Not really a very good idea.

Now after having said that let me state I did appear to my wife dressed. We thought it was a good idea. It didn't help much. I used to make tea when she came home and we would sit and discuss my cross dressing. She came to an arena of accepting it and me. Nothing I did really influenced her though. It was her love for me that saved us in my dangerous years.

I am still married to her after 38 years, we weathered the cross dressing period. She is happier now I am pretty much out of it, but that it never really goes away. I am content that I had my chance in the sun as a girl.

My wife is not ready to see me en femme although I believe that she has seen pictures of me on my computer. If and when she is, I will oblige. It is unspoken that I do, lead a very active life dressed, and have other 'weird friends'. I dropped my 'little hobby' onto her a year ago in a 13 year marriage. She reacted badly, and continues to be negative, blowing hot and cold. I do not blame her for this and expected her to react as she did, except that she did not leave me and wants our marriage to work.

I cannot see the big deal but accept that she has serious issues, so must compromise and love her just as I always have.

mitch

When I cam out to my wife last year, she asked to two things. Not to dress in front of her or show her pictures of myself dressed. Funny thing is when it is warm outside, I can wear lady Hanes T-shirts, Lady Hanes shorts, panties, and fem sandals. I can also wear my PINk robe, PINK Satin PJ's and PINK fuzzy slippers. I guess as long as it is unisex and she can still see the male in me, she is OK. She also said I could have a Saturday afternoon where she would spend that afternoon at the gym. I try to combine this with my Tri-Ess meeting, so I can have about 12 straight hours of JoAnn time.

A tricky one this ........ After coming out , my wife was so surprised just how far I took my dressing - wig , falsies , full make up ect . I,ve got to be honest , when she finally saw me enfemme it was rather scarey - for both of us . But thankfully we saw it ( and several arguments ) through , and now she ,s happyto see me dressed , even buys me clothing bless her .
There is only one thing I can advise on this issue . If youre partner knows about youre crossdressing , choose the right moment and ask would she ever like to see you , perhaps even ask her for advice when you finally show yourself in full. NEVER allow her to catch you dressed for the first time - weather she knows or not. It will be seen as a form of deciet.
BUT....
Don,t push it . Respect the girls boundries . I think if you take things calmly together , then hopefully an understanding will develope and you,ll both enjoy one anothers company in full......
Be honest - be happy.
Good luck.

I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship if you can't tell your SO about this. As for her seeing me? Absolutely. ASAP. If is doesn't work for her . . . next. A little humor but my true feelings. Hoepfully I will never experience "the switch" as my recent girlfriends met Genifer first. If they don't like her, then it's me they don't like.

Back in the day, there was a partner I needed to tell and I couldn't figure out the right time or way to bring it up. I don't believe there is a good way to do that. My way around it is for them to know from the start. If they can't be with Genifer, they can't be with me.

Gen

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sandra

I missed this bit when I posted earlier still had sleep in my eyes. But I too disagree with this, it isn't lack of faith-trust it's fear of not knowing what the partner will say or do. I kept a kind of secret when I first found out, why didn't I tell because of what I've just said fear of not knowing how Nigella would re act.

---

I was going to agree with EelKat (and still do to a certain degree), but feel Sandra rephrased it well. Now, whether the fear is bred by past experiences WITHIN the relationship (depends on the current state, past transgressions) or whether it is a carry-over from past relationships (told in the past with bad results) or an assumption that is easy to make (society isn't all that accepting, why should this beautiful woman be any different.)

Ta-da. Back to communication being the right tool to get rid of fear. There has to be trust in the relationship to be able to talk about ANYTHING, including CD'ing. Otherwise, as Gen so aptly put it, NEXT.

Interesting subject...

I agree with you that hiding from our SO is not nice. It is in fact cheating with another woman, the one we impersonate when "en femme".

With regard to showing ourselves "en femme" to our SO, I think that we should respond to our SOs expectations.

1/ If, when they know that we are x-dressers, they don't want to see us "en femme" then just respect that decision.

2/ If they accept to see us "en femme", it doesn't mean that they enjoy it... They may just want to be nice to us... Perhaps it would be a good idea to figure out how to be nice to them on our side...

3/ There are a few SOs who seem to enjoy the experience... Lucky you who have a SO like that...

I am in the case number 1... And I consider myself very lucky...

:hugs:
Eugenie

i think you need to whith your iner feeling on this one

My wife knows I dress in Femme but does not want to be a part of it. Itrulycan respect her for that.

My wife wouldn't have it any other way...she not only enjoys seeing me dressed, but also helps in my makeup and what looks good on me...

The last few times I've dressed, shes also worked on my decorum...especially my walk and talk...

Being in a similar case=
My GG refuse to see me as GWEN, but she knows = I always wear stockings-panties-night gowns at home, but never made-up, never wigged-
(except for my acrylic nails.)
When she accidentally falls on a pack of snaps, what a mess !!!

It is comfortable to know we are not alone in our problems;

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TGMarla

I more or less agree with Marina her. It's a private thing for me, and always has been. I'm not sure just how comfortable I'd be having her see me all dressed up. She's very traditional, and really is not down with the whole dressing thing.

On the other hand, she knows I do this, but I'm not sure she knows to what extent. If she did, I'm not sure what her reaction would be. Since she knows that I do this, if she were to let me know that she wanted to see me, I guess I'd arrange to let her see me. Since she never mentions it much at all, I figure she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to know. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's her choice, for the most part. I don't force my little (big) habit upon her, and she doesn't get all over me for my idiosycracies. If that changes, then perhaps I'll entertain the idea of dressing in front of her. But in my opinion, that's not likely to happen.

---

My wife knows all the details about Raychel.
She has said that she has absolutely no interest in seeing me dressed.
For that I respect her.
She has in her mind what a husband should look like, and that doesn't include women's clothes.
Fair enough.

If someday she would change her mind, We would have a converstaion about it and weigh the consequences. If she still wished to see me dressed, then I would show her.

My SO doesn't want to see me dressed, and this is no big deal for me. I respect her feelings. Sure, it would be great to do shopping enfemme with her. But I needn't that. I needn't to be seen dressed by her, since for instances I can post pictures to the internet and get some comments from others to improve my look. This is just all what I need.

At the beginning, SO's position was extremely rigid, but after a few months it is losing a little of rigidity.

For instance, she now accepts without minding I sometimes wear pantyhose in winter under my pants, because she understands it is more comfortable for me. And most of times she can't see it either.

I know it could change the relation (and probably it would) if I wanted to show me all dressed when she's home. I understood it would be a very bad idea. I don't use to waste time with bad ideas.


Hugs

Nadia

Carrie, I agree with you. I have been married 36yrs. I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage. Shock is putting it mildly of the reaction she had whn I told her. To this day she has not seen me dressed. We talk very little of it. But I hang some of my things in our closet together and the rest is in the attic. She doesnt fight me on my going out 1x or 2x a month. I know, as much as I would like it, she will never want to see me dressed. When we were married a couple of years we went to a halloween party. I got all dolled up and it was fun, but when I tried to kiss her in the elevator she was repulsed. I knew then that she wouldnt accept my fem side. Things work out. For me balance is the key.
Terri

[SIZE="3"]I thought it unfair to go into a marriage without telling Dee, my wife to be, about my cross-dressing: Mild BDSM was already part of our relationship with her playing the dominant role and I had introduced the idea of me being her ‘maid’. I would prepare and serve meals and drinks and generally fetch and carry for her but in my male clothes.
After a couple of light hearted quips from me about how I should really be in a maid’s uniform Dee said something about me looking pretty in a dress and that seemed to be my opening.
A deep breath and in I plunged - to my amazement and delight Dee seemed quite at ease with the concept of me being dressed to be her maid.
I admitted that I had quite a lot of femme clothes and we were soon in my bedroom with my wife to be choosing an outfit for me to dress in.
How wonderful it felt as I dressed in front of her, she sat by my side as I put on my makeup and Dee commented on how it obviously wasn’t the first time.
After I had done a twirl and she did a critique of my outfit she had me on my knees kissing her ankle boots - happy indeed.
Dee had always liked me shopping with her and accepted my opinion on what suited her so when she went to choose clothes for the wedding and honeymoon I happily accompanied her. We were in the lingerie department of Marks and Spencer’s and Dee chose on a delightful camisole and panty set for her and then decided that I would be wearing the same when we got married!
So, as I waited in the church, under my formal grey wedding suit I had on cream and pink camisole, panties with matching suspender belt and lovely lace topped stockings, exactly matching my beautiful wife’s.[/SIZE] :love:

Hi, I think that we all want our SO's to know about our fem sides. But how you show them is important. I told my wife about Paula 5 years ago. Where I messed up is I threw it on her one night. So to speak. I had her okay with me wearing panties from time to time and she even bought me a few things like a cami and panty set. And some sweet little lace boyshorts(which I still have). And things were fine. But I got impatient and broke out my wigs and cloths and she wasn't happy. After about a month she finally wrote me a letter demanding that I stop altoghter or she was going to leave me. I was able to stop for a while but not totally. I have been sneaking things around and I know that she will probably find out one day. But I want to try to do it different the next time. I love my wife and my family. And wouldn't do anything to loose what I have. But in respect of your question. My wife said that it took away her view of my masculinity. And that was what was so hard for her when she saw me dressed. So If she knows about your femm side then wait for her to want to see you dressed and ask her to set the bounderies.

Very insightful thread. My wife found out, and has been supportive but doesn't want to see me dressed, and I am going to stick to that until the day comes (if it ever does) that she would say she wants to.