I am happier as i am now then anytime before in my life, I've never been able to really stop even when i tried to tell myself i could. No going back now, i'm done hiding.
Tina
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I am happier as i am now then anytime before in my life, I've never been able to really stop even when i tried to tell myself i could. No going back now, i'm done hiding.
Tina
I've been dressing for 35 years, and I've stopped many times! But now I'm truly comfortable with it, and I don't see any reason to stop. It just makes me a happier person.
Interesting use of "enjoy". I think perhaps the point is that if you just do something for pleasure, then you can stop (though it might be unpleasant). However, for quite a few people it's about more than ordinary pleasure. The spectrum runs through something a bit more hard-wired - perhaps "fulfillment" is a good word - to those for whom it's about who they think they are, which is what I think CynthiaD is talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Seana Summer
I used to think that about myself, too. I thought CD-ing was part secret rebellion, part titillation. Once I got into a serious relationship, I said to myself, the dresses and high-heels would go to the charity shop. "Dressing-up" would be part of my youthful past, like eating take-aways from the carton or leaving the washing-up until tomorrow - acceptable behaviour for a bachelor, anathema to a wife. ;-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Seana Summer
It didn't work out quite like that. I found excuses for putting the clothes in the loft, rather than throwing them out, and then for getting a few favourite things down and hiding them away, dressing up in secret when my girlfriend wasn't around, and so on. I became quite sneaky, devious even, and didn't realise (or admit to myself) what I was doing. I'm not saying that would happen to you... but it might, and you might be quite surprised if/when it does.
Its interesting that most crossdressers mainly or strictly identify as heterosexual but its also common to fantasize about being with a man even if these fantasies always remain just that.
I have wondered if many crossdressers are female identified but their sexuality blinds them to this truth so as they age and their sexuality wanes their female identity emerges.
Crossdressers who want and must be seen are different than those who only want to see themselves dressed and I think this goes to sex. One is private and the other is public.
Our gender identity needs to be publicly shared so someone who identifies as male will protect this identity by hiding the crossdressing unless they need sexually or for identity what the crossdressing can buy publicly.
If you find it sexually thrilling to be desired as a woman than there will be the temptation to crossdress publicly. If you "Need" to be identified as a woman than you will use the crossdressing to be "seen" as a woman
Publicly it is about sex or identity. Privately men have a strong relationship to the breast where they almost seem to adore breasts and breast are probably the strongest symbol of femininity so owning them brings both comfort and sexual tingles.
Women do not relate to breasts the way men do and the lifelong relationship to breasts could be a clear indication of ones gender and sexual identity.
Transsexuals and homosexual men relate differently to breasts than do heterosexual men.
Ultimately whether someone stops or not or if the reasons for crossdressing change overtime will be decided by ones gender and sexuality including actual and not repressed sexual identity.
Crossdressing is a form of exploration, development and self referencing. Things that last a lifetime.
Hi RD,Quote:
Originally Posted by ReluctantDebutant
I cannot deny that neurochemicals which stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain (i.e., dopamine) may be involved as there are no studies to prove either yes or no. However, if this was an addiction of sorts you would have to have a cause (dressing) and effect (pleasure) to stimulate the neurochemicals across the synapses . . . so a prima facia case could be made that if dressing was purely for sexual pleasure then dopamine levels would rise and possibly lead to tolerance thresholds rising (hence more requirement to dress to get aroused). However, this reasoning does not account for those of use who dress because it is part of who we are. Dressing is not sexual for me, it does not arouse me, I definitely don't feel sexy when dressed . . . I just feel like me. I dress because it helps me to express who I am (at least that part of me) to world the same as I dress in guy clothes to express that part of me.
Regarding the cycle you mentioned you likened a CDer who can't dress for a period of time to withdrawal symptoms seen in addicts. Again, if the pleasure centers are being activated it is plausible. However for many (myself included) CDing is integral to who I am. Not being able to express it by supressing (quitting cold turkey sort of speak) would not cause withdrawal symptoms but pure emotional distress which is a different beast. My first experience fully dressed was at 17 years old, I did it once, enjoyed it and never did it again . . . I was ashamed, horrified, ecstatic, pleased and distraught all in one fell swoop. I was new to the military and there was no way I was going to be one of those weirdoes who dresses in women's clothing. So I put it away for 32 years. I wasn't addicted to it as addiction takes time to build up those chemical dependencies. I merely supressed an integral part of my psyche. I survived by hook or by crook but in the end it caught up with me and sent me to a very dark emotional place. This was not addiction, it was emotional well being. If I was to quit now, I would most likely return to a state of emotional upheaval. Now I can stop dressing for a time not because I can beat it but because I have accepted who I am and even though I can't dress at that time, I know that when I can, I will because it is part of me.
Hi Lucy,Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy_Bella
Similar to my response above I may be able to stop dressing for the pragmatic reason of "I can't" but then again I would not stop denying who I am and as such I would not be denying that Isha is an integral part of my psyche. So the Island is not a cure but a barrier to my ability to express who I am. Once rescued, then I would be free again to express who I am.
Although I am not a label gal, I don't differentiate between TG and CD as most agree that CD is part of the TG spectrum.
Hugs
Isha
Isha, I'm sure many of us have contemplated this a lot, especially those of us who have replied positively to other threads regarding the 'cure' or 'magic emergency brake'... I'm one of those... and people have already answered with a lot of truth that probably applies to many, if not most of us..
I have stopped several times in my life sometimes for many years - simple reason: other things in life were more important and demanded all my energy...
Complex (and probably subconscious) reason: fear of discovery in an environment that would have been catastrophic to my career, my family, my life...
I do consider myself fortunate that I apparently do not experience this condition to such a degree that this does not cause me problems when I have stopped - but yes, the feeling, however small, is there in the back of my mind that it doesn't feel wrong to do this... and that feeling can be reinvigorated when life circumstances change, and I don't think it's any coincidence that many (but not all) folk here are at a stage in life when they have some security and confidence that being 'outed' either voluntarily or accidentally will not completely scupper their lives... I believe those folk may well make up the majority of active participants here.
What we tend not to see or hear from much, are those folk that arrive here and for whatever reason stop and move on, without coming back to say - I did it, and I don't do it or need it any more... For sure, there must be some... :thinking:
I do believe that what causes any CDing beyond a purely 'fetish' need is something that relates to being TG - otherwise, why would we need to present what society expresses through fashion, as femininity or an expression that is not of our native gender...? We just experience it to different degrees... so those at the low end of the scale - as an example - can successfully get by with totally clandestine underdressing or existence. Those exhibiting a more powerful urge - perhaps like yourself - can be content with a public presentation of your TG nature, but that also requires coming out to your SOs (for better or worse) because the stress is too much otherwise... And off the scale are those amongst us who are TS, who can't be content with any partial presentation...
That's probably a bit simplistic - but it works for me, and I think it covers most of our mainstream folk, but it is no way an addiction, although I do think there are some of us that exhibit aspects of compulsive behaviour, it's probably not significantly different from the world of muggles...
For some reason I don't find myself pondering the making of a grass skirt on a desert island, but I probably would have to do something creative with the local pearls... ;)
Katey x
While it would be very easy for me to say "Well would you quit modifying cars or building PCs?" I also get that certain circumstances can cause certain pressures to stop/quit.
Can we really quit?
Well, technically, yes. But you have to considder a few factors.
Harm. Who is it harming if you dress? To what extent? But also, how much harm (emotions count) will you be coming to by not dressing.
This after all,is part of our personality whether its a secret or not. Fetishistic or not.
Human sexuality and gender are complex things and can't be boiled down to 'quitting'.
I can quit, but it would be just as easy as turning my skin black, or my blood green.
I started dressing in my teenage years but wasn't until my late 30's started the dressing and guilt trip that comes with each event. I tried talking to my wife of a previous marriage back then went to therpy, purged tons of great clothes over and over again only to find that I would want to dress for a period of time only to stop and purge again. I bet I've read and talked to everyone that could help me and about the age of 45ish I finally relialized that I would have to accept this dressing as part of my life or I would go crazy. I now have a wear at home somewhat policy dress a little and always underneat, go out dressed one or twice a month, drive dressed go out with other Cd's and really just accepted it as part of my life. COULD I just continue to purge and guess what my choices were? I THINK so but when the time came I have learned to enjoy dressing publicly and with other as part of my life. Some people know some people don't I do know that accepting it has made my life easier to deal with it. My wife has accepted this part of me as long as people in my community don't get to see me but overall its made my life better as a person and though there are times I'd like to dress 24/7 I know that thats not part of my life and I can get on with my life enjoying being a woman on some days and being a man the rest of the time. I guess hat I'm trying to say in this long about way; Learn to accept what you can and Just get along with your life "IT'S NOT GOING AWAY Jenn
I can purge and I can take a break, but I can never actually stop. It's like my artistic talent. It's part of me. I've taken breaks but its so much a part of me that I always return to it. for 2 reasons. One, Its just me. Two, I love it.
Sometimes I'm too emotional, as a guy, like watching something very sweet on TV and I get teary eyed. I can no more stop those emotions than I can stop the Earth from rotating. Not unless I remove myself from society and live completely isolated from all stimuli.
I see a gal walking down the street thats got a cute pair of heels on, or a skirt, and I'm like, damn. I want those shoes, or skirt or dress. Same with watching TV..
Nope. I personally can never stop.
Hi Isha, Why would I want to stop something that gives me so much pleasure ??
It's just like the Mafia, You just can't quit !!
I have actually stopped dressing for over a year now for no aparrent reason. I am free to dress whenever I like, my wife is fully supportive but for some reason I simply cant be bothered. Over the last year I have bought new items of clothing and make up yet have never worn or used any of it, have stopped all the leg and body shaving and on occasions have grown a beard again, I still think about and plan to dress but when the time comes just cant be bothered and no idea why.
I think I have to agree with you on this one. I went through some pretty hard times in my life the past couple of years and I found I dressed less & less and the desire simply wasn't there. I don't really wish to get into the specifics on what was going on, but it did lead me to take anti depressants. My wife & I moved from one town to the next and she found some of my en femme stuff. Since she is unaccepting I came up with a BS story about how they belonged to a friend at Halloween and he left them behind when he moved just a week latter. Luckily she bought into it b/c this guy did dress as a woman for Halloween. I also took that as a sign, that maybe it was time to ditch dressing all together, so I purged most of my things. I still have a few en femme items left and the urge to dress and look hot & sexy is starting to come back. I have been seriously thinking of renting a private mailbox to get girly things. I even found myself wandering through the ladies clothing section at Wally World the other day eyeing up bras & swimsuits. For the most part, I have been better. I got in touch with a friend on here who has been encouraging me. So in relation to your topic, that lady in the shadows never really goes away b/c in time I think I will be able to strap on the heels and not feel ashamed. I hate having to hide this from my wife and in some ways she has been the reasons why this has been a gradual process b/c what if she finds my things again?
Eventhough I have quite the passion for my crossdressing, I reckon that retiring from it some day would not be all that much of a struggle. I'm the Barry Sanders (not the Brett Favre) of crossdressing LOL
My quick thoughts .. for me crossdresssing is part of me, it always has been, always will. It certainly feels like an addiction and if I wanted to stop I think I'd have to treat it as such. So I might be able to be really strong and not crossdress, but I'd be a recovered crossdresser. Still wanting to but not touching the stuff, knowing that the moment I gave in all would be lost.
But as you say Isha, there are differences. Crossdressing, per se, doesn't harm anyone or anything, wallets excepted :)
So I could possibly stop crossdressing, and who knows it may happen, as others have described, but at the moment it would be removing a large chunk of my persona and I think i'd be a miserable sh#%
Christen x
Sure, it can be done. Why NOT? It IS an ADDICTION, for probably 99% or higher of MtF CDers, supported by a mountain of evidence at this site alone. [not to mention all those "other" sites which probably outnumber this site by 50 to 1 or better] Google alone shows 28 PAGES of results if you search for CROSSDRESSERS.
"Regular" folks beat "normal" addictions all the time, although quite clearly few can simply go cold turkey on alcohol, drugs or cancer sticks and I know many who have quit some of those addictions many times before succeeding.
But, there are NO OTHER ADDICTIONS that I know of that often end in/have ended in Os and therein lay the difference. IF Os were not both highly addictive AND extremely easy for almost any "healthy" male we would not be rapidly overpopulating the planet. I know one member here who has quit [for the last 18 months anyway] and another who posted on 7/08 "When I had a partner who was ready, willing, and able, and I was VERY fortunate to have a partner like that, I didn’t dress AT ALL. Once we broke up, I resumed my dressing…"
Rest assured she is NOT rowing alone in that boat.^^^
The more important issue is WHY one needs to stop.
Or what makes them think they NEED to stop.
Having ANYthing in one's life that CONTROLS them is a prime recipe for at least one unhappy soul if not many in their same orbit.
For me the answer is an unqualified NO! I tried purging and all that goes with it a long, long time ago and not only did it not work it made me feel unwell.
I first dressed when I was only about 5 years old and I have been doing it ever since. It was a central part of my exploration of sexuality from that age forward. I don't dress every day but always wear knickers and nightdresses as well as other female items. I will sometimes pair androgynous slacks with a blouse. I sit on the toilet always and use feminine perfume. This is all a part of who I am and I just don't want to ever deny it.
Perhaps it will fade away as I get older and lots of other things fade away including any sexual interest but that would not be the result of a deliberate decision on my part.
I suppose it depends on who you are and why you dress. And how important is your reason for stopping. Do you dress for fun, or because it allows you to really be yourself? Will 'falling off the wagon' destroy your future? If I was convinced that my future depended on it, yes, I could stop. But the reason has to be compelling.
Deedee
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isha
If pleasure centers weren't be activated for you then how did you liked this? How did you know this was part of you? Some part of your brain must have told you that this was good a right for you to do and it must have felt good. This good or pleasurable feeling must have been better than say watching a good movie or eating a nice meal. this pleasurable feeling must have been powerful enough to get you over the obstacles of shame, fear, and societal pressures. You say its about expressing a feminine side. There are ways for a man to express a feminine side without women's clothes.
A Tale of two CeeDees :D
Your tale has been told. So here is mine.
I'll start I my teens too. I did not fully dress I could only dress partial here or there from time to time. It felt wonderful but I didn't associate it with anything sexual. Sex-Ed back then talked more of when boy meets girl they never mentioned anything about when boy meets girdle. I just saw it as just part of myself that this was who I was. College, getting away from home allowed me to do more. But there was still always roommates, frat brothers, and others hanging around. I would keep putting it off telling myself not now, some day when its right. Pink fog would come and go often times at the wrong moment. It was always girl interrupted, After college, it was the army, after the army it was again roommates. I still didn't think of my dressing as a fetish I still did nothing sexual while dressed. But I still searched for an answer. I was watching discovery channel documentaries on the brain and sex. after over a decade and a half of staying away from anything that reeked of fetish I began to read medical articles on CD fetishes and I could see myself in them. It was confirmed shortly after that when I for the first time got dress and got hands on so to speak. Finally a few years ago I got my own house. I could finally dress now. I even had a room I could devote to it. I even was excited to start posting here. I dressed as often as I could. The more and more I dressed though the less and less joy I was having. I would still dress just to keep from feeling stress of not dressing but this just made it worse as I would stay in my house alone and bored. It finally got to a breaking point, I put my cross-dressing on a permanent hiatus until I could get a better handle on cross-dressing or quit all together.
Perhaps we are different breeds of cross-dressers shaped by our different histories? Or perhaps there are more similarities just different outcomes?
I think your view is right on the spot Isha. I for one tend to be not as happy happy happy when I'm not dressed in some way or other. And I know I could never just quit.And would not even think of it.:hugs:
Angie
"We" keep hearing that we can't quit. One would have to have a reason to quit first off. I think many of us could quit If that reason was strong enough. But "we" aren't all the same even though we all wear women's clothes. My reason to quit would likely be different than someone else's. As long as we have money and there are stores with ladies' departments, there isn't much chance of stopping for most of us. But will any of us have much choice if we end up in a nursing home?
Enjoy was probably not the best word of choice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Dorset
My intended point is that we are all different. Some are "better CDs" than others, some feel they must transition, and some feel no need to transition.
For some reason I feel the need to point out the broad spectrum of Crossdressers out there. For GG's and others who may be reading this board be aware that not all Crossdressers are heading for bottom surgery in the future. Some of us just like to wear a dress once in a while. Some more than once in a while. Some would like to wear full female attire 24/7, and some are heading for full transition.
At one point I had quit for more than a decade, got rid of everything, and I could again.......... if the want or need presented itself. Not everyone can.........but some can. Not bragging ......just saying we are all different. So to answer what I thought the original question was "can we truly stop?" Some can.... some can't.......I did not truly stop 20+ years ago (considering I started again a decade or so later) but I think it is very possible to stop, at least for me.
RD,Quote:
Originally Posted by ReluctantDebutant
Our responses to life events are much more complex then just having dopamine flood or neurons. Yes they play a big part and the premise that is akin to addiction would mean I would have had to have repeated exposure to CDing over a period of time build a tolerance . . . hence chemical addiction. In my case I did it one time which was enough to scare me to death as it questioned my whole being (who was I?). Using this premise of pleasure centers then we could argue we are addicted to everything that brings us joy in life and that is not the case IMHO. I enjoy a good movie and a good meal as much as the next person and I am sure my dopamine levels soar when I engage in those activities but I am not addicted to them, I just enjoy them. Neurotransmitters are only one piece of the human condition puzzle as we are sentient beings guided not just by raw chemical responses bit reasoning, behavioral adaptation, morality, faith and just plain common sense all which determine what is right for us and what is not. Believe me, it was not the pleasure center of my brain which brought me to embrace Isha, it was the dark despair and utter hopelessness of not accepting me for who I was which brought me to where I am today.
I like dressing in my uniform when I am at work, it brings me a great sense of pride and dare I say pleasure however I am not addicted to it. I like that part of me who is a soldier as he is me, the same way I like that part of me who is Isha as she is me. I never said it was about expressing a feminine side for me (I don't differentiate between the feminine and masculine traits as there are only human traits). Expressing myself as Isha "en femme" is not about expressing a feminine version of me, it is about expressing a part of me who happens to dress like a woman . . . I know that sounds odd but nothing says because I choose to present as a woman that I am trying to be feminine.
Hugs
Isha
Seriously...We need to stop denying all other forms just because it doesn't fit yours.. Definition..http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction
The question for me lies not so much in: Can I quit, but in can I prosper once I quit. I did quit once before (for five years at least, is that long enough to count?) but I only seemed to regress in the process, since I failed at garnering my sustenance from the right source. From what I'm told, there really is only one way to quit and progress towards a life of joy (if not necessarily happiness). Forum rules disallow me to talk about that though.
First, I don't think one answer fits all. People crossdress for different reasons and the intensity varies among individuals.
I tend to agree with Wild, that for the vast majority of CDers, it's a sexual thing, whether it has reached the point of compulsion or not; people can CD for fetish without it being problematic. Many (most?) fetish CDs are likely not members here since this forum wouldn't be fun for them. They go to the gadzillion other websites that cater to men who do this for thrills or sexual pleasure. Maybe some of them double dip and come here too. So can they stop? I suppose it depends on whether CDing brings more negative consequences to their lives than positive ones. But I think it's just a fun thing to do for most. Maybe some stop when and if the sexual thrill is no longer there, when maybe some even join this site!
As to our members who ponder things (not the ones who JUST post pics in the Gallery, or who like to have fun in the stereotypical CD threads like panties, bras, triggers, etc) this is what I don't get: If IT is an integral part of a personality, then we have to define "IT". Is it a female identity (TS)? If so, then why is it acceptable to have a male body and a male life? Or is it a thing for clothes (for some) or for femininity (for others)? Wanting to be feminine is quite different than having a female gender identity. And if it's a thing for femininity, then is this not another variation of having a thing for clothes? Or is it an identity not as a TS but as a crossdresser in its own right (a male who dresses)? If so, then again can we say there is a female gender identity involved? I mean, do crossdressers really have Gender Dysphoria (a conflict between physical sex and gender identity), if they do not wish to make any changes to their bodies and they are happy in their male lives?
And for the life of me I cannot understand the late bloomers, the ones who say they had no clue before their 40s, 50s, or even 60s, although I do understand having repressed this for years and perhaps having it come out only in fantasy until such point when it could no longer be repressed.
For the record, my SO began when he entered adolescence. He did it in hiding throughout his teenage years like many CDers here, but put it aside during college. No privacy. He dabbled a bit during the three years after his undergrad degree, but put it aside again for the following 10 or so years during his grad degree, post-doc, and various teaching assignments trying to find a job (no time and no money). He did have a long-term SO during the latter part of his 30s, and they both had fun with it in the bedroom on occasion, but that's as far as it went. He did get into it more seriously in his 40s (I think this is when it stopped being so sexual), but he was single and closeted from the public. It didn't bloom until we met, in his late 40s. At that point he had the time, his job was secure, and he had me. :) He then kinda went overboard for some years (goodness that was difficult :p), but now things are on an even keel … in fact, less than an even keel because there just doesn't seem to be the time lately. I miss it and encourage it as much as I can. So we could say that he didn't really start until his 40s, and of course this is true, but it has been there all along on and off since his teens.
I don't think he'll ever stop, nor is there any reason to. In terms of gender identity, my SO identifies as dualgender - gender fluid if you will, with aspects of both gendered characteristics. Up until his late 40s, he identified as male. I don't know why the switch, other than recognizing this had morphed from being sexual to not so sexual. He never repressed himself, he was never ashamed of the dressing (he rather thought that society was idiotic for having such unimaginative rules) so I can't say that his inner identity emerged. It was always there, he always allowed it. I do not consider my SO a typical male, he definitely is a feminine male but I think he's been like this all his life. He certainly isn't a different person dressed than in male mode. And he does not consider himself a female. So pronouns are problematic. I refer to him as "he" when I think of him in male mode and "she" in female mode.
So there you have it. We are an unconventional couple and we love it. :)
PS. Willpower plays no part in recovering from addictions to drugs or alcohol, and sex, porn, over-eating, gambling, shopping, or other compulsions if the compulsions are severe.