When the walls came tumbling down...

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Originally Posted by char GG

Just my 2 cents. If you wish to ever get back together with your wife, please reconsider thinking/doing meeting up with men (even after Covid) for a fantasy relationship. For many wives, that would be a definite hard limit.

Of course, if you are contemplating continuing on the course that you have been on and remain free of a relationship with your wife, you can do whatever you want.

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Char GG,

Thank you for the advice. I was not looking to hook up, just to meet others who struggle with the same issues that I do. I intend to remain faithful in deed up until there is no longer any chance of reconciliation. I do not know who i am supposed to be right now. I just hope that who ever I am when I come out the other side of all of this is someone who she can still love.

Ray

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I had a good session today with my new counselor. I am ready to stop the denial and work on finding out who I really am. Maybe I will still have a wife at the end of all of the searching or maybe I will not. I am not perfect and I made many mistakes. My mistakes have hurt her and our relationship. There is still no finality to our separation. But after 7 months she will still not even touch me or agree to seek marriage counseling.

My wife and I still see each other every week. She purchased her own house but she did not perform due diligence and as a result is stuck with a house that needs a lot of work. I have offered to help her with her house and have been working every weekend for the past 2.5 months on repairing, updating and even just plain old cleaning and painting trying to make the place livable. When she asked my why I do all of this even though she had thrown me out and separated all of our things, I told her it is because I love her. How could I stand idly by and do nothing when the person that I love can be helped by my actions.

Last year you made several posts/comments that your wife had made room in the closet for your fem wardrobe. You told her you did not have enough to fill the space, and, she encouraged you to head off to the internet and you bought some dresses. Unless she was leading you on it did sound encouraging.

My personal view is your porn addiction blew up your marriage. There is porn, and them again, there is porn. Yes, there are couples you enjoy porn together. Then, there is porn most women feel degrades women. If I have to guess, if a wife knows little about cross dressing, and, then she finds trannie porn, it's not going to work out well.

I agree with others here, you definitely need to figure out who you are. That may not bode well for reconciling with your wife. The only suggestion I have is to eventually have your wife meet with your counselor to explain what she (the counselor) can make of you. Perhaps, porn, addiction or not, is nothing more than fantasy. Usually people who act out their fantasies find the experience unrewarding and a disappointment.

The fact you are repairing your wife's domicile means all bridges have not blown up. If she was so adverse to your cross dressing I doubt she would have made room in the closet for your dresses, nor encouraged you to buy more.

Diane,
My advice is not to end a marriage for the sake of it , I never expected mine to end in divorce . Blame isn't always attributed to one person , I didn't look for a culprit to blame . The simple truth was my wife couldn't live with my TG issues and I couldn't live without them . Common sense really must prevail , two unhappy people living in a difficult marriage , where was it going to lead ? The point I try to make is sometimes it's a case of it's cruel to be kind , we both knew that . It was a very difficult year , evenso I still spent my time renovating my wife's new home which was very hard when I knew I wouldn't live in it and at that point our old house hadn't been sold so I couldn't move on myself . Despite everything I still did what I felt was my duty as a husband .

Two years on my wife and I remain good friends , my children are comfortable with me as Teresa , I still have contact with my grandchildren , the situation is better now than it would have been if we had soldiered on in our marriage .

Marriage is meant for two people who love each other and wish to spend their lives together , when if feels like two people trapped in a prison sentence then it's time to rethink it .

My two cents in this (not sure in my present situation that I should be giving them) is to be careful of the therapist you choose. Maybe find a regular (non-trans issue specialist but also non religious) therapist first and go from there. Deal with the porn & crossdressing, understanding the crossdressing will most likely never go away. Then if it is still needed look into the transitioning issue.

I chose a therapist who specialized in trans issues and I think the current trend towards affirming that what you do is OK whatever you do despite the consequences is not necessarily a good thing. I went from questioning whether I was trans to believing I was and wanting to do it in a matter of months, my therapist was supportive of me doing things that put my marriage in jeopardy, and had I not had an epiphany that I needed to slow down, tell my wife and look at where I was going objectively I would be regretting my life right now, badly. I was unable to see my therapist for six months due to covid, and I think that was a good thing, I'm not saying I didn't dress during this time, but I was more thoughtful about its effect on my wife & marriage, on me... Once I got above the "fog" I had a better view.

Listen to the Duchess, I don't know her, but it appears she knows me...

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Originally Posted by Dutchess

Not a good look and not a good life .. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .

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I will most likely crossdress for the rest of my life, I plan to be married to the woman I am married to right now for the rest of my life too. It may be a lot of work, and it is hard, but it is worth it in my book...

Rachel, the only way is up from now on, dont look back or regret (it changes nothing), and why a counselor ?, who cares you look at photos and dress, youve nobody to answer to now. Get on with it girl and enjoy.

Rachel, By now, you’ve certainly gotten a broad spectrum of advice. And you’re probably seeing how our personal biases influence how we look at the situations of others. Sometimes, its painfully obvious that the person offering advice is projecting their situation onto your’s.

For example, if they walked away from a marriage they may readily justify their choice, and suggest dissolution in a rather cavalier manner. Conversely, someone like me might still be questioning or in a sense trying to atone for their own past mistakes by channeling that regret through you. Yes, I admit that my view of your situation is invariably tainted by my experience. Always consider such biases as you ponder advice.

So, with that in mind, I do applaud you for helping your wife with her home repairs. I did much the same thing...several times. I hope she appreciates it and I hope that it helps. But at the same time, be wary of setting yourself up with false hopes and unrealistic expectations. There is even even a risk of generating a sense of entitlement, as though you might earn back what you have lost.

Rachel. I am sorry you are lost right now. I feel your brokenness in your words. I have been in the darkness you are in right now and I feel bad that you are there. You are not alone. If you just keep struggling through it one step at a time this too shall pass. It might be in future you do not want but sometimes the road we travel is not the one we intended. Just continue to try to love yourself and your wife. If you do what you believe is best for both of you, eventually you will find peace again.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

My personal view is your porn addiction blew up your marriage.

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Stephanie, I think that you are right that she was fine with the cross dressing but I must have crossed the line when i was trying to go on estrogen especially without discussing this with her first. I think the pornography just reinforced the sense of betrayal. She believes that i have been having physical relations with other men. Nothing I say to her can change her mind on this. She also accused me of having been deceiving her about this for the past 32 years. That I somehow came up with this plan to get her to marry me so that I could hide my homosexuality behind our marriage.

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

By now, you’ve certainly gotten a broad spectrum of advice.

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It is like following a trail and finding pearls of wisdom strewn about. I am free to chose what pearls to keep and what pearls to leave behind. But i do appreciate that so much experience and wisdom has been cast along my trail. I thanks everyone of you who has taken the time to offer your advice.

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Originally Posted by CD Rachel

She believes that i have been having physical relations with other men. Nothing I say to her can change her mind on this. She also accused me of having been deceiving her about this for the past 32 years. That I somehow came up with this plan to get her to marry me so that I could hide my homosexuality behind our marriage.

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And you are confused about her reaction? You've concealed your attempts to alter your body, your crossdressing, and your pornography addiction. Why should she believe anything you say?

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Originally Posted by SophyV

Rachel. I am sorry you are lost right now. I feel your brokenness in your words. I have been in the darkness you are in right now and I feel bad that you are there. You are not alone. If you just keep struggling through it one step at a time this too shall pass. It might be in future you do not want but sometimes the road we travel is not the one we intended. Just continue to try to love yourself and your wife. If you do what you believe is best for both of you, eventually you will find peace again.

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It has been almost 7 months and even still I am in tears as I write this. I feel so alone. Each day that passes I feel a little part of me die. I do not know what I can hold on to to keep me from being swept away. I guess that sharing my feelings with this forum and knowing that others have traveled down this same path and have found peace gives me something to cling to. But I am still alone.

You are not the only one who has done stupid things. I did too. I regret them but what is done is done. The only thing you can do is get better at it, mend what can be and make the best of the future for you and your wife and kids. At some point, if you decide that transitioning isn't for you and want to be back with your wife, please go and tell her, don't wait until she discusses it again with you, as she may be waiting too (because she's the one who's been hurt in the first place).

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Originally Posted by Brandi Christine

My two cents in this (not sure in my present situation that I should be giving them) is to be careful of the therapist you choose. Maybe find a regular (non-trans issue specialist but also non religious) therapist first and go from there. Deal with the porn & crossdressing, understanding the crossdressing will most likely never go away. Then if it is still needed look into the transitioning issue.

I chose a therapist who specialized in trans issues and I think the current trend towards affirming that what you do is OK whatever you do despite the consequences is not necessarily a good thing. I went from questioning whether I was trans to believing I was and wanting to do it in a matter of months, my therapist was supportive of me doing things that put my marriage in jeopardy, and had I not had an epiphany that I needed to slow down, tell my wife and look at where I was going objectively I would be regretting my life right now, badly. I was unable to see my therapist for six months due to covid, and I think that was a good thing, I'm not saying I didn't dress during this time, but I was more thoughtful about its effect on my wife & marriage, on me... Once I got above the "fog" I had a better view.

Listen to the Duchess, I don't know her, but it appears she knows me...



I will most likely crossdress for the rest of my life, I plan to be married to the woman I am married to right now for the rest of my life too. It may be a lot of work, and it is hard, but it is worth it in my book...

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Wise words. Especially about the gender counselor.

I agree. My wife mentioned counseling for me at one time.
I told her that I am ok where I am at. A little messed up mentally, but I accept that. No plans to transition, I don't believe it is the "answer" to the situation, at least for me. I can see where a therapist that is pro transition might just mess me up worse!