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Although my wife treats my crossdressing as DADT, she allows me to wear a nightgown, panties and stockings during our lovemaking. While we are in the act I feel the most intense possible pleasure. But as soon as we are finished I have an overwhelming urge to get out of my feminine attire as quickly as possible. The feeling is not so much of guilt, but extreme embarrasment.
Reine pretty much nails it.
I've heard this response is called "post-nut clarity."
This sums it up for my case. I am guarded about being transparent to "society" as a whole, but it's definitely the norms absorbed by those closest to us that are our biggest barrier. I don't feel a lot of guilt about my taste, but I feel sorry for my wife for being stuck with someone with my taste. It's very hard not to feel guilty for disappointing someone you love.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
As far as the question from the original post... That hasn't really been an issue for me. Dressing is not a sexually motivated activity for me. In the early years, dressing was 'inspiring' but that's been long gone. The only thing that gives me any inspiration is a fantasy that my wife could actually appreciate and affirm my tastes.
I think that feeling is quite normal also in other scenarios just before ejaculating. Usually just after that there is a feeling of release and you want to finish what you are doing.
My understanding is that you will overcome with time after you continue enjoying and having more sex as you want.
I’m 75 and diabetic. If I had sex, I wouldn’t feel guilty, I’d hire a brass band! :)
It?s been a long time since I posted, but wanted to comment on this thread.Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha51
I believe there?s an opportunity and a lesson learned for all of us with children. I was also raised in a conservative home?and I think most homes in the 70?s/80?s, religious or not had some strong opinions on this subject matter. Any of us that lived during that time, understood that crossdressing wasn?t an acceptable social norm.
My parents were conservative?but thank goodness they were awesome parents, who were not judgemental of others and taught me and my siblings to be the same. When our neighbors son and close friends of our family came out of the closet, my parents sat us down and told us what they expected of us. They didn?t understand his decision or his chosen lifestyle, but we were expected to treat him (and his friend) the way we wanted to be treated.
I also knew my parents were in love and had healthy sexual relations. The subject wasn?t taboo and sex was never strange for me, but my father still taught me and my siblings that we should avoid masturbation, pornography, and remain chaste. I can?t tell you how grateful I am for that. My dad told me of men (most of the time) who developed habits they could not break and I learned (like anything else that we could become slaves to it).
I didn?t start dressing until after I was married. But I knew of my fantasies?I didn?t execute those fantasies, but marriage opened them up. I was upfront with my wife before marriage and she knew as much as I did. We went into it together.
After making love?this negative cycle would do its thing. I was raised in a healthy home?but it didn?t matter?the guilt was real?the lack of feminine desire after the release of endorphins was real?drives my wife crazy. I actually think it?s not a terrible thing as it keeps me in check.
However, I think we need to talk to our children, teach them?help them be ok and accepting of who they are?and if they do this, they will have a more fulfilling life and love themselves the way we hope our children do themselves. Teach your children?speak to them. Speak to your spouse?listen to her?share your fears and vulnerabilities w/out an agenda.
I think self acceptance and self-love are the key here. Prayers for all of those of you that are trying to navigate these waters?I believe it?s possible to find a good place to be.
It was this thread that convinced me to join the forum today. I never realized how many suffer the same guilt, shame, self-loathing and doubt. Religion did a real number on me, even though I've been an atheist for over 20 years. My fianc? really struggles to understand what I go through as she has never been around religion as a child or an adult. She even gives me occasional side-eye and I know she's thinking I'm just making some of this stuff up or embellishing.
My therapist would call that self-judgment. Assuming you're not in a committed relationship and cheating on your partner, what you do with another consenting adult is your own business, and no one has any right to tell you it's wrong.
If you can swing a therapist, it would be really good to explore your feelings and free yourself. Good luck!
While I haven't experienced religion first hand like that, I have had a few friends who struggle with what I call "faith vs reality". Your struggle is very real my friend, especially to you. I have lost any faith a long time ago through watching the intolerance and bigotry executed in the name of religion. The division and subsequent hard lines only leads to hatred in others because of what we hate in ourselves.
Something that has helped me is to not understand the struggle someone is going through, but to emphasize that someone is struggling and not to try and fix their problems, simply be there to guide them when they ask. This is a very simple concept that is one of the more difficult things that anyone can do. Even harder is trying to explain this to someone who cares about you and wants to help or someone who doesn't have a frame of reference to relate.
Unfortunately, the struggle doesn't end, it only gets easier with time and positive reinforcement. Self acceptance is a wonderful thing, but it does not eliminate the memories of negative feelings and experiences that can haunt us in the dead of night when we are the most vulnerable. We can only take heart and feel reassured that dawn is on the horizon, tomorrow is a new day and we always have the chance to reinvent ourselves in an effort to chase the demons away.
I know it was a long way to go to say that you are not alone and many here understand, but I feel like I needed to hear it too :-)
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I have been in therapy for about 10 years off and on. I did discuss it with her, but reassurances from one person feels kind of hollow. I really wanted some thoughts from those who are "in the trenches" and needed the feeling of community to help reinforce the tools in my tool belt. This forum has been the perfect place to let my hair down and discuss things with outsiders. I love being in therapy, it has been the most successful thing i have done in my life and i usually encourage others to at least speak with a counselor, if only to gain a supportive perspective from a third party that is only invested in our well being as we are, not as others perceive us (from in front of the mask we place between us and the rest of the world) as with our friends and family.
I don't understand feeling guilty about it. You said you were single. For anyone who is married and steps outside the marriage, you ought to feel guilty. The more guilt the better.
Regardless of who you're having sex with, these things don't just happen. It's a deliberate act that requires some forethought. I don't understand how one could make a conscious decision to do something and then feel guilty about it, at least not more than once.
I was steadfastly monogamous throughout a very long marriage, and just as steadfastly straight. When the marriage ended though, I "experimented". It was something I wanted to do and thought I should do before getting on with my life. Took me a while to work through the "baggage" of a conservative upbringing and a while for the right opportunity to present, but when everything came together, it redefined sex for me. Nuff said. The biggest takeaway was the the next morning I was exactly the same person I had been the night before. Same thing for the next time, and every time after that. Seems obvious, and I'm probably not articulating my point very well. I guess it just seemed to me that if I had been straight on Friday night, but was gay on Saturday morning... seems like such a monumental change would have made some difference. It didn't, and that's a point I remember when dealing with anybody who I think might be gay. Guess I had to learn by doing. Fact is, if my friends, family, and acquaintances had known what I was up to, they would have looked at me differently. This is not the first time I've revealed that about me on this forum, and I know that some people on here think differently about me after learning that. Less of me, TBH.
The other thing for me is, it reinforced that I'm a relationship-driven person (I guess technically a straight-relationship-driven person). While I much prefer sex with men, I CANNOT STAND to even consider anything that resembles a relationship with one. A small sample size, for sure, but enough that I know that there is no possibility for a meaningful relationship. Given the choice between the best sex ever and a good long-term relationship with a woman, I'd choose the relationship every time. Much as I'd like to pretend that's not a problem, it is. I'm still a work in progress.
Rhonda,
It is an identity crisis, I am bi polar and go through personality and thought changes on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I can be calm and introspective for hours, then get triggered and be wildly impulsive for the rest of the day or week. With each change, i feel guilt concerning my thoughts and actions, feeling alone in my struggle with who i want to be vs who I believe I am. The guilt I feel in this aspect is only a small part of a larger struggle and I am slowly eating the apple pie one bite at a time.
The trauma I experienced as a child and young adult leads me to seek high risk activities which make me feel alive and the world is full of color and meaning. the simple and mundane day to day activities are blur of gray with feelings of boredom and apathy.
I have been to war, where special ops was my bread and butter, flying so low you can count sheep and receive small arms fire. I have, and do, work with dangerous equipment and situations where a mistake can end my life in a flash.
But what I want is to live a simple and uneventful life. but i live with the curse of interesting times because of my high risk needs. I live in a prison of my own construction, I simply wish to feel like I am not alone.
I hope this helps you understand, although I is difficult to express because words tend to pale in comparison to the thoughts and feelings. :-)
I remember the convenience store owner asking me "how many pairs of pantyhose does your mother need". As soon as I would finish I couldn't get the pantyhose off and in the garbage fast enough and telling myself this was the last time. The guilt finally ended about six months after I told my wife and she noticed the cycle of me apologizing afterwards and told me that I wasn't hurting anyone and to enjoy it when I get the opportunity.
Believe it or not my wife will almost keep track of my activities to say. I used to go every Friday for a drive and before leaving she would ask to see what I was wearing and when she seen the mini skirt with the stocking tops showing and the see threw top she knew I was going to take the most risk and maybe more careless because see believed I was to aroused.
Now being older it doesn't always end with a finish and I'm not going to lie but if I do go to bed wearing stockings and a silk nighty and some sexual activity would happen I do remove my fem cloths afterwards most of the time. For me something has always happened afterwards that would have me ask the question what I thinking before but I'm much more excepting that it will not be my last time and I'll be back. I tried to keep it as clean as I could and very surprised this post is still up but I believe it's worth venturing into a little, after all it is a big part of it.
I didn't know that (probably missed the previous posts where you covered it). After that... I know differently of you. But I don't think any differently of you. You are still the smart, funny and super honest person I used to know. Keep being you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
AmenQuote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
A big part of why I'm allowing myself to explore crossdressing is to break through my fear of upsetting others which has been the most constricting aspect of my life. FWIW I respect your experimenting.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
As much as I think it's right to tread carefully when outing ourselves, I also think there's a strong case for being authentic. It's different for everyone but I don't want to end up on my deathbed regretting so so much (more than CD).
Well, thanks.:oQuote:
Originally Posted by DianeT
The post where I covered that was probably before you came here. Beyond that, it rarely matters. When the "gay" topic comes up on here it is a hot button topic. Since it's often the first question/fear of many SOs I think it should probably get a full airing. But, when I've seen it come up, I don't think it's dealt with honestly. The discussion drifts into fantasies over here and fears over there. The "only when I'm dressed" thing comes out, and the "it's not gay if I feel like a woman" thing. It sets off heated defenses and gets dissected and sliced into such tranparently thin slices that the very definition of gay is completely lost. It is the most exhausting and frustrating thing discussed on this forum, and to some large extent, it doesn't matter, or shouldn't.
I wasn't gay when I was married. That statement alone sets people off. "You can't change", ya' know. That urge is impossible to resist. That's the narrative. I can't get into the whole thing without writing one of my "gazettes", as Diane has termed my boring and long tirades:), so I'll resist that. Not in the mood anyway. Besides, as you can probably tell, I'm a little touchy about it. Suffice to say that things I once found off-putting and so foreign to me that I just couldn't go there, well... I went there. When I got on this elevator early in life when I was making decisions that didn't seem like decisions, and I'd pushed a button to get off on a different floor... who knows. It was a very different time. Life turned out pretty awesome, for the most part. If I'd gotten off on that different floor, I'd probably be saying the same.
I couldn't agree more.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
And for the gazette, anytime (dedicated thread?).
Just as long as the woman knows that her husband does have better sex with men. I would hate to be in a long-term relationship with a guy who didn't have the best sex ever with me, but who instead stayed with me purely for emotional reasons ... unless sex wasn't a priority for me either.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
On the other hand, if that were the case I'd probably feel it. I would feel that something was missing. And that can be a very sad thing, especially if there is no one I would prefer to have sex over my SO. Unreciprocated feelings can be heart-breaking.