"Transitioning" from Cross dresser to Trans ...when did it happen to you.

Many (most?) of the time that wives support us it doesn't pan out through an actual transition. The heart is in the right place but they didn't marry a woman. There are cases of course where this is not true, but don't count your chickens...

Also Vanessa you said something interesting about being "stuck"... if you are bi gendered or dual gendered in nature, you are far from stuck...maybe you need to make adjustments but that's a perfectly fine place to be

... remember its not about whether you self identify as transwhatever, its whether you can feel yourself as a viable real person and you are the one that needs to sleep nights...

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

Many (most?) of the time that wives support us it doesn't pan out through an actual transition. The heart is in the right place but they didn't marry a woman. There are cases of course where this is not true, but don't count your chickens...

Also Vanessa you said something interesting about being "stuck"... if you are bi gendered or dual gendered in nature, you are far from stuck...maybe you need to make adjustments but that's a perfectly fine place to be

... remember its not about whether you self identify as transwhatever, its whether you can feel yourself as a viable real person and you are the one that needs to sleep nights...

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Thank you Kaitlyn... your "stuck" and "transwhatever" comments makes me feel better...not exactly what the point is (momentary satisfaction) but about my situation for now... Thanks...very much for your thoughts...

Vanessa

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Originally Posted by melissaK

^^^Vanessa Rose.

1. Yes.

2. I could and did push it aside, but there was no wham. It was a grinding grudging acquiescence of my self that took me 3 decades to accomplish.

3. IMHO, yes, you are still in a lack of self acceptance phase. See my #2.

4. Yes, marriage survived. But . . . I landed in gender outlaw land. And my wife and I are aware we are like two overlapping circles in a Venn diagram - we exist in a narrow area of overlap. Further transition by me takes me out of the overlap, less acceptance and tolerance by her takes her out of the overlap. I remain in awe of the power of love's role in letting us find this island. Aprilrain had a snarky comment upthread about wives being the reason for middle path - I can't say shes wrong, but I'd add a lot of love is needed.

5. Yes, it is no fun learning your heart wants you to fly in the face of everything society taught you about gender. Sweetie we have a staggering suicide attempt/success rate among us. New study this month reaffirmed prior studies. Just remember "Do whatever it takes to make your life worth living."

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Melissa... thanks for taking time to write your thoughts...

Whereas you had now wham moment.. I feel like i am walking around with sand in my shorts.. uncomfortable, unpleasant and yet tolerable enough for me to get counseling and try to figure out how or what to do... # 2 self acceptance ..... I got so much going on in my head... there is no doubt of this for me after reading all these great thoughts from you all...... honestly, i don't know what to think or accept.. I am having a hard time simply understanding this entire gender thing.. and that is without any real understanding...
a lot of confusion vs. conflict.. but that may change tomorrow... thanks..

right now my life is worth living.. greatly. I look at my beautiful woman that I have and ask her every other day why she would love a guy like me. Such unfair ground for her... she looks back at me and asks the same thing. Love is amazing... but to me, comprehension of me and my comprehension of her and her needs is behind all those feelings.
I do not walk blindly from the discussion and comments here. I fear what you said is true... Love i hope wins, holds true... but, i know the reality of it show odds against me/us... I will remain positively minded as maybe I am in a good place that i can be at peace with ....if I simply understand more.

Sorry if rambling. Thanks greatly for taking time and lending your thoughts...

Vanessa

My bad it wasn't a series of books, it was one book titled I'm OK, You're OK in which The phrase I'm OK, You're OK is one of four "life positions" that each of us may take. The four positions are:

1.I'm Not OK, You're OK
2.I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3.I'm OK, You're Not OK
4.I'm OK, You're OK

Sorry for the mis-information.

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Originally Posted by Vanessa Rose

I identify male and don't hate it

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Originally Posted by Vanessa Rose

If I could choose, I would incline 85-90 woman to rest guy.

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Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.

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Originally Posted by Vanessa Rose

I don't necessarily feel trapped in another sexes body but I don't like the sex I portray each day either. Make sense

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Gender expression and gender identity are completely separate things. It is possible to have a core male identity and a strong desire to express yourself as female 85% of the time.

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

Trust me, you don't want to be anything more than 85% woman because that man part of you can live a full life even if you have to live with a dual nature...many many people do this successfully without giving up their jobs, families and money..some do it privately and some very publicly...there are many options..

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You don't have a choice in the matter. You are or you're not. You need to figure that out, and one day you will stop fighting yourself and accept yourself, whoever that may be. 85% woman is extremely strong percentage. Transition isn't the only option, since you can also live a dualist lifestyle where you switch between male and female presentations. There are many people on this forum who go to work as male and live nights and weekends as female. There are many paths, and whatever path you decide to go on is okay. Just don't repress yourself.

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Originally Posted by Vanessa Rose

Maybe I am stuck in limbo. Don't know. A guy in a dress is no place for any person to be stuck. Yuk. Just yuk.

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There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

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Originally Posted by Michelle789

Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.



Gender expression and gender identity are completely separate things. It is possible to have a core male identity and a strong desire to express yourself as female 85% of the time.
Nonsense ! That's like saying Bacon and Ham Steaks are mutually exclusive to being a Pig. Your gender expression comes from your gender identity. If what you say is true, then the desire to express your gender identity should be easy to turn on and off like a light switch. Wouldn't that solve so many relationship issues ?

You don't have a choice in the matter. You are or you're not. You need to figure that out, and one day you will stop fighting yourself and accept yourself, whoever that may be. 85% woman is extremely strong percentage. Transition isn't the only option, since you can also live a dualist lifestyle where you switch between male and female presentations. There are many people on this forum who go to work as male and live nights and weekends as female. There are many paths, and whatever path you decide to go on is okay. Just don't repress yourself.


There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

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This is so true, Come to Bawlmer Hon Fest on June 14, and you will see a ton of Guys in Dress

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Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter

Nonsense ! That's like saying Bacon and Ham Steaks are mutually exclusive to being a Pig. Your gender expression comes from your gender identity. If what you say is true, then the desire to express your gender identity should be easy to turn on and off like a light switch. Wouldn't that solve so many relationship issues ?

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I said it's possible. I didn't say it's a probable outcome. If you desire to be female 85% of the time, there's a good chance you may be TS. And it's possible you're not.
If you desire to be female 20% of the time, than you're likely not TS, but there's still a chance you are TS.

I don't wish to diagnose anyone either way, but rather keep them open to the possibilities and to discover what is right for them. I will never attempt to make a diagnosis, in any direction, on this forum. I would say to Vanny to do some serious soul searching and see a gender specialist. And I am totally cool with whatever path anyone ends up going on, as long is it is the right path for you.

Btw, being a guy in a dress is a core male identity with a partially female gender expression.

And core identity and expression does not need to be either strictly male or strictly female. There is an androgynous identity, and there is androgynous presentation. There are people who switch between male and female presentations and identities, and from what I've read on this forum you don't just flip a switch between male and female. You do, but you don't have control over it, you'll need to express both.

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Originally Posted by Sue

My wife is highly supportive to the point of saying "just do it, the back and forth is more stressful". She says she loves me no matter how I look. I suspect she is sticking around.

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Sue - I'm sure you know how lucky you are in this respect. You appear to be very cognizant of what you are preparing to do with your life but keep in mind that you are embarking on a journey that will change your perception of yourself and how you exist in this world. Your wife's experience will be very different from yours. If you do stay together your relationship will be very different from what it is now. I sincerely hope it works out for you both.

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

Vanessa if your self analysis is accurate run away from here as fast as you can!! LOL

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Lol...Vanessa you are far better off not being TS!

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Originally Posted by Angela Campbell

My earliest memories were wanting to be a girl. I thought it impossible for a long time, then I thought I could never do it, then....I did it.

There is not a single day of my life I didn't want to be a girl.

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I grew up exactly the same way! Tried to do everything to "Man Up", but after dressing for a Halloween Party a couple years ago, it was like being hit with a bus. I had to dress as much as possible, and realized that I had to do something about it. Four months on HRT and roadmap has me starting RLE about the end of this year.

Leah

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Originally Posted by Marleena

Lol...Vanessa you are far better off not being TS!

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LOL..

I am hardly looking for plowing new paths, choosing the road less traveled or staying as I am.. what I am looking for is answers to questions, and internal conflict

Btw, being a guy in a dress is a core male identity with a partially female gender expression.

And core identity and expression does not need to be either strictly male or strictly female.....flip a switch between male and female. You do, but you don't have control over it, you'll need to express both.[/QUOTE]

noted... thanks for sharing that. I just don't know..much about this stuff

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Originally Posted by Michelle789

Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.

There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

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that is not what I want to be ... ha..kinda..

again, i am just asking questions... just now... I don't have a lot of answers....mostly questions



Thanks all so much for your time and thoughts!

Vanessa

I realize how lucky I am Simone. Things will certainly change in some form or another and I am going to predict that HRT may do some of that and then going fulltime will do the rest. My wife and I aren't just a couple, but also best friends. Right now, that is what keeps us close and I hope that will be what always keeps us close. Time only tells.

Sue,I also will say that the dynamics of the household will really change!! The best you can expect is for both of you to be able to give your new life a fair trial.Not sure if there are kids at home,but they have to be onboard with it as well..You know all that,but knowing,doing and having it all work out,are different things...

Well, I am not sure this boundary is simply crossed as it is 'realized.' I strongly believe many crossdressers have a fairly firm male identity. Through therapy, I have realized I never really had a male identity internally, but I have learned to live as one only because of my presentation to the world, and for the most part, this masculine presentation has not been all that particularly easy to pull off. It was an interesting statement one day with my counselor two weeks ago...I simply said, "My male life is complex, extremely so, but when I present as my female self, it seems as if everything is in alignment and easier." So there you have it. I grew up thinking I was a crossdresser, but through counseling, introspection and insight have realized my gender dysphoria is far, far more complex than I had ever realized.....some of my friends think I am ultimately headed toward transition as a result of this realization.....but as I am living my life right now, I am becoming more of a gender outlaw and rebel....I won't allow my body to limit to my gender experiences....and I won't allow my presentation to be a springboard for automatic assumptions about who I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to behave...

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

I never allowed myself for one moment to consider the possibility that transitioning to live as a woman was remotely possible and this thought guided and protected me. I was deeply repressed, but a better word for it may be compartmentalized...
I was just able to put it out of mind..

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This is so spot on. My therapist also remarks about how well I am able to compartmentalize things, including my gender confusion. I do not yet know if I'm on the path to a full transition. But, I think, like many on this board have expressed, that it is not a decision as much as a realization. I'm smack dab in the middle of all of it right now, too!

I can remember tess that I would see a crossdressed or transgender person walking down the street and I LITERALLY didn't think about how that person may be like me in some way. I was fascinated and to be honest ashamed for them (projected from me)...
In my mind what they were doing was impossible!!! They went outside!! People saw them!!! OMG!!... It's bizarre how deeply I buried these thoughts (even though I was thinking them ALL THE TIME!!!).... I realize it makes no sense, but if you are going thru it you would understand..

In any case, I hope some of the posts help you know you are not alone.

Barbara, sort of the same with me. I always felt I should have been a girl, but the clothing really became a turn-on -- the panties, the stockings. But at some point, the clothing became so not exciting anymore. Whether I was naked or whether I was in jeans and a sweatshirt, I still had the desire to be a girl or at least present as a girl.

I actually never had the desire to put on a wig and a dress and go out like many crossdressers do. But I would wear just regular girls jeans or shorts or tops -- and just blend in. Sure I like to put on a nice short dress and heels, but at some point they became just clothes and not a thrill. Just items that girls wear. That's when I realized I was not a crossdresser, but certainly transgendered.

I am right in the middle of this process. I know that I am transgendered. I go out fully dressed on a regular basis. I know that I am a girl inside. However I have a wife and son and I desperately do not want to lose them. The conflict rages inside of me a of the time. The more I dress and interact with the world as a woman the more I want. It feels so right to be Suzanne. I keep looking for the magic answer that will allow me to have my cake and eat it too. I don't think there is a magic answer. I will have to face either suppressing me or losing my wife. I hate that choice !
Suzanne

For me I can say I don't feel as though I was ever a CD I may have felt that way before I accepted all of it but in reality that was not the case. I've always been Trans but the difference comes in when I accepted that I am. That came around my start of college / last two years of high school when I started to do things that would make myself happy and realizing this isn't just a phase anymore considering it has been occurring my whole life. So it came to me when I stopped telling myself lies c: