You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser... you're also crossdressed and he is better at it than you. :)
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You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser... you're also crossdressed and he is better at it than you. :)
I guess the problem for me here is that it is seen too much as either/or / black&white!Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleScott
what if the son / any guy has a Fetish for crossdressing in one sense (in private and or with a partner) but then also has a public side? (where it is non-sexual) ???
that creates a bit of a problem!
you don't want to be "showing off your fetish" or being sexual in public... but at the same time the mind and body can separate these things...
it's not all that different than just regular sexual stuff... don't do it in public and don't tell people about it that you shouldn't (like family / esp. parents!) ... but we all know it's damn happening
it'd be like an S&M type person... they can do whatever they want in private but shouldn't wear their gear / clothing in public except if they're in a place that it's ok... but they could still wear stuff that is kinda S&Mish / gothy ... wear all black all the time... talk about it somewhat with the right type of friends
it's a damn gray fuzzy line!
I feel like I can tell friends and my father or sister or aunt that I like to wear dresses and maybe even wear them in front of them but I wouldn't want to go into the sexual side
so it's something I want them to know about me because it's important but finding the balance is tricky...
seems like most on here are non-fetish (or keep it to theirselves!) and the implication on other sites they are ONLY fetish...
where we act like there can't be both sides ... it's more complex and complicated than it is made out often times..
I've often considered how I would respond in this situation. Hell, I've lived my CDing life having never had the 'talk'.
And if there is a genetic component to this and I pass it on to any sons I might have, then I only hope that I am able to have an opportunity to show them - It's alright.
Of course, there would be the shock factor of coming home to find him in that state of presentation. But only the same shock you would get if someone sprayed your black car into hot pink overnight.
Same car, just a bit pinker.
First thing, I'd want to know their motive for dressing - Is there any dysphoria or need to live this way, their response to this question should steer the rest of the conversation in a better direction.
Asking if he's gay doesn't really seem relevant to me, his gender and sexuality have little to do with each other.
And of course I'd come clean about my needs to CD too. Let him know he isn't alone, he's got nothing to be ashamed of and he is not broken.
I imagine a scene similar to Michael J Fox discovering both he and his dad are Werewolves in the 80's classic movie - Teen Wolf.
Only instead of growing hair, there would be more shaving :D
I can sorta imagine what it would be like and how I would react. I found out that my son-in-law is a serious alcoholic when I had to pick him up at the local police station (my daughter was out of town). He was so ashamed of himself. All I did, could do, was to re-affirm my love for him. I told him that this was a road he would have to face, but that I would always be there to support, to love him, and that I had his back 100%. It has been rough for him and his family as they still keep it from our extended family, but we've grown closer and he shares openly with me whereas before he was rather reserved toward me.
Mink (post #52) you make a lot of good points. I suppose there are fetish dressers for whom it is 100% sexual, and there wouldn't be any reason to make this public. There are many of us that enjoy both the exciting sexual aspect of dressing as well as the non-sexual, going out side. Docrobbysherry spoke of this and so do I. When out in public, it's a non-sexual social event. In private, it can be sexual, or not, whatever....
While I go out in public (not so much any more, but a lot in the past), I do so as Nicole and do not identify myself by my real name. So I go out, but I'm not "out" (except to my wife). I don't know how to address the concern of being out to family and friends as just a crossdresser, but with a private sexual side. But then, in guy mode I don't discuss my sexual life with family and friends. My best explanation (if I were open and asked to discuss why I crossdress) is that I have an internal drive (cause unknown) to crossdress. That's it. Nobody needs to know about the sexual side. It's personal and private (but at some point should be shared with the partners we're committed to).
Your observation that crossdressing is seen by others as all-or-none sexual is shared by me and others. But it is only one, even if the major one, of several different reasons (fun, relaxing, comfortable, taboo,......)
I would accept the fact from my son as long as he wasn't hurting anyone else. My mother started me out crossdressing when I was little. She wanted a girl at birth. I loved it and the frills and we often went out as Mother and Daughter. My Father didn't really like it, but he learned to accept it and we are still one happy family and I have a very lovely wife who accepts me as I am.
If I were to find out that my son is crossdressing, I would not confront him or ask any questions till he is comfortable enough to come forward. But I caught him the act, it would be awkward situation since one of us are prepared to handle this kind of situation no matter how well you are prepared.
I would be understanding and supportive of his choices.
Anna
I have three sons and if any of them told me that they dressed and have been doing it since a young age, I would let them know that no matter what, I would always be the dad they looked up to. I would also thank them for having the courage to come out and be themself.
As a parent of two teenage sons, let me contribute something I think is vital - don't wait to catch your child!
I have these general conversations with the boys all the time and the gist is, "I love you and you are supported here." I don't specify cross dressing, but they know for a fact that if they had gender issues (and I think my oldest does - but that's another thread), or if they're gay, or asexual, or want to pursue life in the circus, or WHATEVER, that mom and I will not judge, but we'll talk.
This is not a consequence free home, of course, but they both know that if they're not harming others, or themselves, that we'll be there for them.
Bottom line, I'd never "catch" either of my kids crossdressing, because i have already tacitly given them the green light to explore it if they feel the need.
I've been a CDer for many years but only came out to my wife two years ago but prior to that, a few years ago my wife found my stash, mainly underware, that was never talked about and pretty much brushed under the carpet, however a year or so later my wife found some panties, two or three pair in my youngest sons bedroom, she tackled him, I stayed out of it, so I'm not sure what the outcome of it was, what was his excuses??
I'm assuming he has had crossdressing tendencies too but it's quite a while ago now and my opportunity to discuss it with him has passed, if he's like the rest of us this will still be part of him, maybe dormant for a while as mine was, any ideas how I could bring this up again without him clamming up? He's now 21 and back living at home after spending the last couple of years living with his girlfriend.
Not an easy subject to discuss with your son but if it's there I'd like to steer him in the right direction to prevent the mistakes I've made, what do you think?
I always thought it was more palatable for wives if it was just a sexual kink. It seems to me to be something bigger, deeper, if it's not just a kink or fetish. Maybe there's a difference between a kink and a fetish. Amazing how much I still don't understand.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
Kink or Fetish or whatever... he is who he is and is exploring... As a father I would support him 100%... no question.
Ah the question about being better at it... they know more now than we will ever know... If we had this stuff 30 years ago?
We would be in a different place!
Love
Kaz xoxoxo
It depends. My impression is, the kink aspect (if it's just having occasional fun in the bedroom with heels, hose, etc) is fun when engaged in it TOGETHER, mostly at the beginning of relationships when people's sexual interest in one another is at a high. At this point the gf still feels as if she is the main interest and the girlie things are just accessories.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
But, early sexual highs seldom last as we all know especially if the couple commits and live together. Relationships deepen and that "new" sexual excitement is replaced with deeper emotional bonding. So if a CDer begins to give the impression that he needs the girly things in order for sex to happen at the same level of quality as it was before (if he can hardly be aroused without these things, or the sex seems flat without them), there is a balance shift and the gf now feels that the girlie things are the main interest and she has become the accessory. This is a turn-off for most GGs especially if she suspects her bf/spouse of engaging in solo time while dressed. She will then feel as if he is taking energy away from their sexual relationship in favor of CDing.
Couple of points, Tink:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG
1. Your husband is a crossdresser (noun). He was before he met you, he would be if he had never met you, he will be if you stay, he will be if you leave. It has nothing to do with you, so when you talk about it like it's some sort of competition between you and some imaginary woman, you really, truly, shockingly don't know what you're talking about.
2. But let's say your ridiculous scenario is real, and this is you vs. imaginary woman; I hate to break the bad news, but technically, YOU are the mistress, not her. She was there long, long before you. She knows things about him you'll never know. She's ALWAYS nice to him. She always treats him respectfully, etc. Are you sure you wanna go up against this girl? (Hint - stop fighting her and make friends with her. Life will improve dramatically.)
3. The part of your quote I put in bold is perhaps the most cruel and vicious insult I've ever read on here. If you really feel that way about your supposed partner in life, well ... that's your business. But, yeah, that comes off absolutely hateful and I was disappointed reading it.
If the prime sexual interest has always been and will always be an image of the self dressed as a woman, then it's a shame that a wife did not know this from the onset. Likely, a wife thought on her wedding day that her husband was into her sexually as much as she was into him and that they were both one another's prime sexual interest.Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaZ
Even though many people like to say that a relationship shouldn't be all about sex, it is a fundamental building block of any romantic relationship. Sex is a healthy, basic, biological need and the reward is good indeed when couples are sexually compatible. I write this as an opinion, but if you do some research, you'll find that most therapists say the same thing.
Still, some people do function well if they're not on the same page sexually. They might choose to step away from an active sex-life together when they discover they are not sexually compatible, in favor of preserving the other things in their relationship (companionship, respect, friendship, economic security, the safety of a family for the kids). They may only have sex occasionally or not at all, or they may become satisfied with the cuddling aspect of a physical relationship which does satisfy a need for human contact. But my guess is that younger (or older) GGs who do have a sex drive and who are married to fetish CDers want more than just these things and this is why they feel cheated when their husbands are more aroused by something that is not his wife.
I agree that Tink said things that are not nice. But I do understand her anger, which would be the same as if her husband were having an affair.Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaZ
So the husband lied, or withheld something vital. The wife doesn't have her ideal marriage. I'm sorry about all that, but coming into this space full of people who've done no harm, and then tossing around these painful, poisonous darts because of anger at an individual, is bad form. And to be frank, I'm a bit tired of reading these hateful barbs in threads where they don't belong. I'm not the only one, either, based on private messages I've received.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
Anyone with deeply held anger ought to be working with a couples therapist, or an individual therapist. At the very least, anyone that resentful might consider starting an appropriate thread about the potential damage cross dressing can do to a marriage and vent the anger in the right place (leaving it out of a thread designed to talk about supporting a child).
Because, as I see it, that line about the husband being an ugly, high, horny, mirror-loving prostitute was as much intended at me and every CDer here, and I'm putting my heel down and saying, "That's enough!"
I agree. It's a very broad brush. My SO is accepting, encouraging, supportive and all around wonderful about all of this I have brought to the table , late into the game, sort to speak. I think those of us that DO have all of this, don't talk about it all that much just as you have stated because we don't have a lot of drama in our lives but I know for a fact that I try not to because I truly feel for those that don't have it a fourth this way. I don't like bragging also. I am very lucky, that is all I have to say.Quote:
Originally Posted by Eryn
Not every CDer, We are all different though I am sure there are some that are just as her SO. You have to wonder why she is still on this forum all together. She doesn't support her SO, would never her child, and is beyond any help, support, or advice that we could ever offer. Her mind is set in stone about all of this so I doubt any other GG could get any positive support from her either. At this point I think she does more harm to this community than good. This is just my opinion though.Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaZ
the point is there's a world of difference between a guy who CDs in moderation and one who is utterly lost in the pink fog and a fetish type dresser who is bordering on sexual addiction!
one can be a loving husband and the other could be a self-absorbed jackhole who is not nearly devoted enough to the love of his life!
his wife!
she's not the man he married!
consider this a yellow card...if you all continue to with this sniping...then red card and you can all go to the showers
It's not about withholding information about the CDing. A lot of older members were married before the internet, they had no resources, and they had no idea what to even call it. It's rather about misrepresenting one's sexual interest. I don't know if you understand that an important part of any (most?) romantic relationships is the sexual connection and the special intimacy that comes with this. In other words, a person's sexual orientation is hugely relevant when they marry.Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaZ
When two people get married, unless maybe it is a marriage of convenience, the assumption is that they are into each other sexually. If a guy knows that he doesn't need his wife to satisfy himself, if there is something else that floats his boat for lack of a better term, then having her think that he is heterosexual (into GGs vs. self-focused) and she is the true object of his desire is not right. An analogy would be to pretend to be in love with someone and marry them while lusting after someone else.
I repeat, I do understand why she had a moment of anger directed towards her husband (and not you).
Hi Katie!!!
I don't have experience in what you're asking but I do wish to share my current experience. I am currently twenty-six years old and my parents do not know I CD. I have been CDing since I was 9 or 10. My mother caught me in an unstylish women's one piece bathing suit and denied that it ever happened. I wish I could tell my parents but in some way or another I wonder if it is any of their business. I don't mean that in a rude way but in this type of way: When I brush my teeth do I start with the top teeth or the bottom teeth first? The real question here is whether I brush my teeth or not I do? Then it's acceptable.
Am I happy?
I am happy being a CD by myself. I've wrote on this forum about being a closet CD and wanting to go out but have decided in my best interest to not share with the world thus far. Whether my parents know or not is strictly my business just like which side I start brushing my teeth on. As long as I am doing it (or doing what makes me happy) is what is important.
I really hope this makes sense. I am a little bit tipsy right now and trying to explain a deep and personal belief is about as difficult as someone trying to build a rocket with nothing but dirt.
Obviously not a GG but I am a parent. Whatever I find out about my sons in the future is fine with me as long as nobody else is being harmed. Simple.
No need to be offended. The comment was about sexual dressers and their wives, not directed to ALL CDers. For those of us who have strong sexual aspects to our crossdressing, the comment was not only unoffensive, but brutally honest.Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaZ
I think you should consider that this is only half the equation of sexual attraction. The other half is how one views the self. One isn't just attracted TO somebody, one is attracted AS somebody as well. To illustrate, take the typical masculine identified hetero-normative male and have his wife/girlfriend put him in a dress with high heels and lipstick and let's see if he can still get turned on after that emasculating experience. I'd bet he can't no matter how much he was into her. But for the typical CD it's a dream scenario. If either side of the equation isn't working then dysfunction sets in.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
I'd wonder what I had done wrong that he didn't feel safe telling me long before the age of 25.