Don't think I'll ever get back.....

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Originally Posted by MandyGG

You are right, we would rather it be an affair because it means that it could end, and crossdressing is a lifetime commitment on the spouse. But, what you are failing to remember is that you are NOT having an affair, you are crossdressing, and when she DOES find out.... because she will!.... she is going to mad at you for lying about it! Then you are right back to square one!

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Oh she did find out about it. She came home early from church as I was packing my suit case to go out of town. I was so involved in what I was doing that I didn't hear her return, and she caught me red handed with some bras and panties that I was about to pack. And she did go ballistic. But I still don't know if she was more mad about the lies or the crossdressing.

So, when I say I'm still lying, its typically for the times when I want to go to a GNO, and I fear that she will go ballistic again. However, I did come clean about my desire to go to the Keystone (TG) Conference in March, and she allowed me to go. It was the first time I had been out dressed when she knew that I was out.

But she really didn't want to know any more than that I was going. She didn't ask to see my clothes. She didn't ask if I would be wearing forms (I did) or a wig (I brought 3). So, I think by not telling her the truth about everything, I am abiding by her wishes to not know everything. It's like she has some idea what's going on, but just keeps saying La La La La to avoid hearing the details.

But I'm working on a plan to obtain permission to go to a GNO.

It sounds like a DADT situation then.... Those are tricky, and I don't know any wives that are in one to ask!! Just try to keep the lies to a minimum still! You never know when her mind might change, and you will want to have an honest slate if she does.

I must have been in a bitchy mood, sorry Steffi. I like Mandy's advice.

Also remember sometimes GG's have the willies with the CD'ing because it is just a reminder of the lies. I suspect sometimes they don't even realise it themselves but a part of the reason they hate the CD'ing is that every time you do it it just reminds them of all the lies you told about it before. I genuinely believe most truly loving SO's want to and do continue to love their partners but there is some damage to trust and respect that has to be repaired.

Karren,

I've read and re-read the posts in this thread and like everyone else here my heart goes out to you. You've been such a source of support (not to mention all of the laughs!) that to hear about your situation makes it all the more poignant. I guess we all deal with hiding things from our wives / SO's, and feel the guilt that we hurt them with the lack of trust and honesty.

But I find it hopeful is that you both have made and are making the best of it, as several of your posts indicate:

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Thanks.... A bunches. I really never expected any kind of improvement. Quite to the contrary I expected our relationship to go south and never recover. But maintaining the status quo isn't all bad. Imho. And we have a good marriage as long as we each play the parts scripted out on the marriage certificate!

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I think you've said a lot for you both here.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Somethimes I think an affair might have been easier to recover from? On the positive side she let's me play all the hockey I want!! Ok. Almost all the hockey I want....

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Even with the pink socks and hockey stick?

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

My wife hasn't checked my phone. She couldn't even make a call on my new Android let alone get online with it. I'm seriously thinking of just taking this year off dressing. Though I don't think it will help her any.

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This sounds like a major sacrifice!

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

More time? Funny but my boss and I joke that the only reason we haven't retired yet is because neither of us have figured out how to live more than two days in a row. With our wives. Lol. We spend a lot of time together. Probably way more than the average couple.

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.. and I think this says volumes too.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

And even though I wish it was better.... I'm fine with it... My fault its this way and I'll live with what ever consequences there are.... It could be a lot worse. We've seen that here time and time again...

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Sadly, we have. I just wish there was sort sort of magic wand we could wave to fix things, but there isn't any single solution. Every couple is different, and faces a different set of circumstances and feelings. Guess the best we can do is offer encouragement and empathy.

Karen I find it rather sad that you are in this position - I do understand the trust issues as my husband told me after almost 30 years of marriage. It was more about the lying and sneaking than the clothes that bothered me. But having thought long and hard about why he hid this from me, I now understand and know that he didnt do this to decieve me - it was more about not wanting to reveal this part of him that might have damaged our relationship - I can really get that now.

As for an affair being preferable - I can only speak from my viewpoint but no, it certainly wasnt for me. My husband had an affair some years ago and it nearly drove me to suicide. It was far far worse than the CD'ing. It was without doubt the most horrible, hurtful and degrading thing in my life.

His dressing is quite acceptable to me and even something we can both share - it doesnt take him away from me and yes, I did have issues about only wanting one female in the relationship but I realise now that it just isnt that big a deal.

I wish with all my heart your wife could move past the mistrust - I know its not easy but if she could just see what a truly lovely person you obviously are and that you have no desire to hurt or deceive her. I often get the sense from your posts that you are just a little bit sad that things are the way they are and that makes me a little bit sad too.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Ohh well... I don't open up much so that's about the most your going out of me... raise the shields Scotty!

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That's the problem Karren. My SO is much the same way, not out of a desire to hide anything from me, it's just the way she is and has always been. She keeps her emotions and many of her thoughts about more personal things to herself. For example, a few years ago she went to the BeAll conference, an entire week of full-time with tons of other people, a makeover & photoshoot, interesting lectures, social outings, etc. Her account of the whole thing was, "yes, I enjoyed it". :p She had prepared for weeks, in fact a week before the event she had told me to deal with an issue I was having with a girlfriend because she had to pack.

Had it been me, I would have described in detail a near hour-by-hour account of all my impressions. lol I was intensely interested in not only what the various aspects of the conference were like, but more importantly how it affected her emotionally and her impressions of others there, who she felt more in sync with, what she thought about the talks. She didn't even want to tell me what talks she had attended. And in the absence of any feedback, my only recourse was to fill in the blanks by myself (despite my knowing the chances of getting it right were slim). You can imagine where my mind took me. I trust my SO implicitly, but I had all these nagging feelings based on stuff I read here and elsewhere. I wondered if going to such an event made her regret being a GM. I wondered if she had been attracted to anyone there. I wondered what lectures she had attended, the more policial trans-rights talks, or the talks about FFS & SRS. I knew I shouldn't have felt this way, but I couldn't help feeling that if she did not care to discuss such a momentous (in my opinion) event, it was because she didn't want to upset me, and so she instead preferred to keep an important part of who she is to herself. And so I imagined the worst. :sad: It's been quite a few years now and I have a much better idea of who my SO is, but at the time I did feel hurt by her reluctance to be more open.

If you (and my SO) became more like an open book, it would leave much less for us SOs to imagine and (being human), possibly fill in the blanks with the worst. If this makes sense.

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Originally Posted by MandyGG

You are right, we would rather it be an affair because it means that it could end, and crossdressing is a lifetime commitment on the spouse.

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Mandy you bring up a good point, but I've seen GGs devastated when their husbands made them believe they were having affairs (when the GGs found panties in the car for example) rather than tell them about the CDing. Just saying that some of us would rather hear the truth.