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Originally Posted by
Kimberley May
@VeronicaMoonlit
Please quit dictating to me how I actually think, like you know my mind better than I know it myself.
The last person to say something like that to me here, said the following to me about 2 months later: "You really did know me better than I knew myself." I said something like this to her: "Of course I did, I've seen it all before. The patterns of behavior are obvious to see."
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You don't know me, my mind, my situation, my girlfriend and how she thinks, or my life at all.
You really think you're that much of a special snowflake? You really think you're that much different from the OTHER "CD's who say it's just a kink who-live-in-the-UK" who came before you? Patterns of behavior are OBVIOUS, people. They stick out like a sore thumb. It's simply a sort of forum demographics.
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For me, it is just a kink and a comfort while I don't have a female partner living here.
Yes, yes and how many times have we heard THAT phrase before?
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Yes growing my hair long is another lil' kink for me. Sorry if that personally offends you.
Why would you think I'm offended by that? I'm more offended by the fact that you've only been here a few months and you're NOT listening to the voices of experience who have been around for YEARS telling you to NOT make the mistake of purging.
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Please don't try dictate to me that I'm wrong again, because you are about me.
We'll see about that. I'm going to predict that if you purge, you'll be back in 3 years or less, telling us how the purge didn't work.
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Why should I risk destroying my whole relationship and lose her, just for the cause and because it worked for you so everyone should do the same even if it doesn't work for them? Women don't fall at my feet everyday and I feel lucky to have her.
Relationships are built on trust. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who does accept all of you, rather than just "settling"?
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Originally Posted by
Marcelle
Says the person looking down their nose at those who don't choose her path . . . ah perfection is a lonely place is it not?
Can I be frank? I'm not looking down at those who didn't choose my path. I'm actually looking down upon the clueless noobs and perma-noobs who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past, including my own. Did I not mention how disappointed and sad my family was that I didn't trust them? Have I not mentioned in the past that my Mother wished I had told her when I was young because she would have tried to help me. My not-telling was a big mistake and the fallout from the years of not-telling affects me to this day.
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So you have are completely honest in all aspects of your life?
In this thread, we are talking about CD's coming out to SO's (and by extension immediate family they live with). We really don't need to expand it further like you're doing here:
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Out to your family and friends, the world writ large? Before you ask . . . yes I am, my wife, my work, my life (I am TS)
I know you are TS, pink fog express and all that. But you might want to check the ol profile. And you might want to check my posting history...go on...you ought to check mHB and USENET too. (God how I miss the early days here, when more people knew my reputation from USENET.) Because trying to pull that "you can't tell CD's to be honest with their wives and immediate family if you aren't ALL THE WAY OUT" thing on me won't work...because that's basically saying only fully transitioned TS's can tell CD's to tell their wives and that's silly.
Besides, my friends DO know, and the immediate family has/had (Mom & Dad have passed away, but they knew), as does my Boss of Bosses at work and some of my co-workers. To put it in the vernacular: Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!"
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Look . . . I am not saying don't tell,
I know you're not....but....
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I am just letting others here know that this is no easy road to travel and by all means espouse the benefits of telling from your own experience but don't pretend to know the mindset and situation of everyone here.
The problem is, some are going to use your words to keep on weaseling out of telling the wife. "see, if Marcelle who is out says it's okay not to tell, it's okay". And I'm not pretending to literally know, I'm using patterns of behavior, to predict future behavior based on high probability. It is basically forum demographics. You'll be able to do it too, eventually.
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This is hard enough for some who are struggling dealing with a very confusing thing and you all should know better . . . tossing around words like liars, cowards, shame, guilt and whatnot does nobody any good.
Yeah, but the nicey nice "lets just hint at stuff that people should be doing rather than calling people out on their dumb and self-destructive behavior" isn't working, or we'd have fewer "my wife just found my stash" threads. This is basically tough love, trying to PREVENT future issues.
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Try seeing it from the perspective of the person who is struggling
I do.
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Then provide guidance, not outright direction like the moral guardians of all that is good.
We have, but it's not working because people obstinately refuse to do the thing that needs to be done that everyone knows should be done. To put it in the vernacular, people here still keep putting their hands in the fire even when they're told hundreds of times "Stop doing THAT."
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Originally Posted by
Kimberley May
Exactly Marcelle. Just because he thinks it's worth the risk himself to lose his entire family and be alone in it forever even though it worked out well for him, it doesn't mean that everyone should risk the same. Besides his reasons for dressing are likely entirely different to mine.
I would advise you, dearie, to never use male pronouns to refer to me on this board again. Am I making myself clear, love.
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Originally Posted by
Katey888
I was pondering on this thread overnight and what struck me is how much preaching goes on here under the pretext of support. This sort of sanctimonious pontification is NOT support: it's thinly-veiled imperiousness that follows the same pattern - "you've done something wrong that conflicts with my values so I'm telling you the right dogma to follow because my values are the only ones that matter..." :facepalm:
That's not it at all, it's not about values, it's about "probabilities". It's a numbers thing, more than an ethics or morals thing (though it's also about that)
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Why do so many of you assume that personal values are absolute and homogeneous when clearly that is far from reality? Look around at the behaviour of your politicians, public figures, commercial leaders, friends, anyone! - if you need examples of how diverse 'truth' and 'honesty' can be interpreted.
That doesn't matter one whit and you know it. We are talking about SO's here..... a personal relationship. the behavior of public figures and whatnot is irrelevant in this discussion.
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Your telling outcomes...
Well, 3 is clearly not telling, so why not add:
4. Never being found out and never having to tell :)
Don't be a fool. Even though you're a noob, you should know by now that the reason I didn't include #4...is because the extremely low probability of actually happening. Look at the "my just found my stash" threads we see. It's not "if" it's "when, and you know it. Even Karen Hutton, who was once the poster-child for thinking she was getting away with it and thought she was so careful and would never get caught, got caught. You all think you're special snowflakes who will never get caught, that you have the perfect hiding space and how you're so good at hiding it...and you all FAIL, it's only a matter of time. All it takes is one little slip, or a wife getting curious about the bank account, or whatever, and you're busted. And yes that applies to the fetish side of the community that isn't here too.
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Kimberley: Do what you want to do and what feels right for you - this place is not the universal arbiter of what is good and bad in relationships.
Maybe, but THIS place knows that purges don't work in the long term.
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For one thing all of us have something weird going on just to be here, right?
(Don Draper moment) WHAT? (/Don Draper Moment) You didn't just say that. This is the point in a western movie when the heroine says: "Smile when you say that, pardner."
Weird? Did you just basically say that everyone including the TS's is "weird"? "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds" isn't "weird". It's a natural part of the human condition and has been so for a very very long time. Never call it "weird".
Veronica