Shes not so accepting after all.

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

I say go for the counseling to get her real concerns on the table in a way that you can understand and to maybe help with the communication between you two. I know that it must be frustrating and difficult for you, but if the relationship is worth it to you, extra work is needed by both parties. By improving the communication process (i.e. being able to talk about a tough issue in an adult manner with bot sides keeping their cool) you will learn what bothers her and may be able to find a way to minimize that issue and concentrate on the good parts of your relationship. Good luck.

This is one of my biggest fears with my SO. I hope you can work it out.

Danni

Well I'm not therapist but I'd say go buy a great pair of hose, a 50.00 bottle of fine wine and enjoy the house for a few hours. If it's all gone then no biggy. If there is arguing then share your wine, as it's probably over. Life goes on, might as well not sweat it. Right?

Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.

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Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter

Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.

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But your advice was good never the less. I'll add, carefully think about and never say anything that you might regret later.

I say divorce her and be happy.

I am a mental health counselor/therapist (cat's out of the bag!) and here's what I think. Marriage and individual therapy for both of you. The individual stuff will help you find what this is all about and how far you're really going to go with it. It also will help you to accept yourself more, build confidence in what you're doing is the right thing, and get the opinions of an objective observer. She too will be able to get all that for herself. The couples therapy will help you to learn communication skills to build the relationship and make it more honest. Whatever the long-term effects are; whether you stay together or break apart, you'll be better off because of the work done in therapy. Of course that's the opinion of someone who is a therapist. Not everyone likes it and hardly anyone sticks with it long enough to do any real good, but if you do, it can be very benneficial.

Paulette

I really can't add to what Paulette has said, she's the professional, but its good advice nonetheless. I hope things go well for you both.

AnitaH

Interesting, Paulette is a therapist? The posts leading up to it would never seem that way. Ah well.. Good advice anyways, and good luck!

I hope you two are able to get through this. I agree with the counseling advice. If for some reason it does not work out, we will be here to help you through it.

I will agree with what Paulette says also. Counseling is a great tool to work through things within your self and to open communication within a relationship. But I will add that counseling only works if you are both open and honest and work on the issues. It will not work if one of you is not open, honest and working together.

Ok I promise to keep my big mean rude mouth shut and will not say anything ugly on the open form but if you think you can handle the true them PM me and I well let you have it no holding back no sugar coating.

Please remember that those with the 'leave her in the dust attitude' are NO LONGER MARRIED (or never have been). If that is what you want, then by all means, listen to them.

Sounds like my situation. Go with the counciling, before your wife refuses to go. Mine did, and now I'm free to do what I wish.

How you feel about being married, and being a CD, can be a very big issue in your life. What you decide to give up is a life changer. I'm firmly convinced, in my case, was that I was going to be so smothered by my wife wanting me to be a "manly man", that I would have no time to be me, at all. And not in a "time to crossdress" sense. She would monopolize my time, so badly that it would stop me from doing anything, except to cater to her. It took me quite a while to figure that one out. And, when I did, did I realize what I missed out on, in life. I haven't yet decided if I am so soured on women, that I don't want another one.
One good thing came out of my divorce. I can now decide what I want to do. I don't have to anwser to anyone, in my choices.
Good luck with your choice. I hope it's the right one for you.

I'm with Paulette and Allie. See a counselor. She may not change her mind about this. But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you? (I'm assuming here that you're not lost in a pink fog and that you don't spend the bulk of your free time on CDing activities or online). Or possibly she doesn't know how to conquer her fears and as she says, she feels you will be happier without her?

If she wants to, she can change just about all the fears and concerns, with your help: compromise and lots of communication, lots of reassurance, so that she can reach a deeper understanding of what all of this means. If her fears are rooted in religious beliefs they may be more difficult to overcome.

Or ... are there other issues in your marriage that need working on, and the CDing is the final straw? If there are, you'll need to work on those first before addressing the CDing.

Good luck! :hugs:

Edit
It may seem cold to suggest that she should be the one to change and not you. But, I do believe the CDing is innate and it cannot be rid of. However, beliefs that are rooted in misinformation or insecurities can be changed. And ultimately, she more than you will be a happier person if she can get over her fears. My suggestions are more for her own peace of mind (if she loves you), than yours, although you too will benefit from it if she can get over the stumbling blocks.

I've experienced fear, anger, and resentment over situations I could not accept. And I am much happier when I can accept the situations that I cannot change, and let all those noxious feelings go. :)

As always, wise and considerate words from Reine .. and Paulette too.

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Originally Posted by Cindy.

....The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it"....

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Build on this statement with her.

Tell her that you do want to work this out with her. Go to counseling, be willing to respect her boundries and abide by reasonable worked out groundrules. If she is truly the love of your life, let her know you will do whatever it takes, without losing your own sense of self, to get to a healthy relationship.

You see, this is the thing I don't understand. I would hope every cd would be open with their so, but it's a two way street. They also need to be open with them as well when asked if they accept it or not. My guess, there is something else. Its not the dressing. You don't just "like" something then hate it. Same goes with relationships too. I will never understand how someone can love someone, then just stop. I'm willing to bet it is something else, and the dressing is being used as ammo. Seems she wants out and is searching for a reason. Therapy will explore that, and I am betting the real problem will surface at a later date. Just hang in there.

go with the counciling, thats what ended my marriage the ex refused to go with me and things just got worse

If she has been trying to accept you for three years, she is strong and I sense that both of you are very confused. I agree with everyone who has said you both need make sure this is the issue, but be prepared if it is exactly as she says.

Compromise is another word slow death. Move out and see if you can remain friends, perhaps with the pressure off she can work around her objections.

Best of luck to you both

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nelson

If she has been trying to accept you for three years, she is strong and I sense that both of you are very confused. I agree with everyone who has said you both need make sure this is the issue, but be prepared if it is exactly as she says.

Compromise is another word slow death. Move out and see if you can remain friends, perhaps with the pressure off she can work around her objections.

Best of luck to you both

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Compromise is ONLY a slow death if you think you should get everything YOU want out of the relationship and cding. Marriage is about compromise, always has been, always will be. Nobody gets everything they want in a marriage. You may compromise about where to eat, where to live, how many kids to have, where to get married, where to honeymoon, vacation, retire, etc,etc,etc.

Counseling can help you. IF you both want it. It can help her figure out WHAT about the cding bothers her. She may find out it has nothing to do with cding. (my problems stem from being abandoned my whole life, everybody picking someone else to care about/for more) That doesn't mean it will go away, but you can work around that. And if she knows it...well, lets just say it puts a whole 'nother angle in there. But it will also help her learn how to communicate better. You too. But, she needs to learn how to tell you how she feels, without worrying about if you're hurt or not. And you need to learn to let her tell you. And realize she is not trying to hurt you. These are just her feelings. There are a long list of things that I won't go into here.

Reine is right, she will have to be the one to change. And it may make her VERY angry. That she has to do all the changing, all the stretching, all the work. Give her a reason for all of that. Treat her like a princess. Date nights. A new outfit once in awhile.

But, IMO, the feeling of wanting to crossdress is not a choice. But actually dressing IS a choice. In the sense that you have a CHOICE in whether you dress everynight or once a month. You need to learn to control the dressing and not let the dressing control you. I wish you luck.

I agree with the advice to get both individual and couples therapy. Here's a point to consider. Often, when people "try" to make a relationship work, the effort is simply focused on enduring...and hoping that the issues go away on their own, or some how, stop seeming important. Its not quite that easy. Usually, people need to do more work - on their communications and to really understand and empathize with one another. These issues can't resolve themselves, it takes guidance coordinated with practice, practice and more practice. This is hard work, but it can save a relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by J'lyn GG

Compromise is ONLY a slow death if you think you should get everything YOU want out of the relationship and cding. Marriage is about compromise, always has been, always will be. Nobody gets everything they want in a marriage. You may compromise about where to eat, where to live, how many kids to have, where to get married, where to honeymoon, vacation, retire, etc,etc,etc.

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Hear, hear! Anyone who doesn't believe in compromise is either bullying his/her partner or not in a relationship.

Quote:

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But, IMO, the feeling of wanting to crossdress is not a choice. But actually dressing IS a choice. In the sense that you have a CHOICE in whether you dress everynight or once a month. You need to learn to control the dressing and not let the dressing control you. I wish you luck.

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I agree with this too. Your compromise can be to agree to put some boundaries on your crossdressing. Find out what bugs her the most, and avoid doing that. If you can live honestly within the boundaries, and manage to also reconnect as a couple, you may be surprised to see her willing to expand the boundaries down the road.

+1 Jamie!

This helped my wife and I (Though dressing isn't a problem in our relationship).

What Your Marriage Counselor Doesn’t Want You to Know
By Reader's Digest Magazine | Love + Sex – Mon, Oct 17, 2011 4:11 PM EDT

If you knew these things, you wouldn't need a marriage counselor, would you? This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.

1. Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don't try so hard.

2. A couple that doesn't fight is in trouble. Having a "good enough" marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.

3. Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.

4. Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.

5. There are marital breaches worse than an affair.

6. A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to "be happy." That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.

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Originally Posted by Tania_aCrossdresser

I say divorce her and be happy.

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You know, this is not very helpful or supportive. You don't just 'throw away' a marriage for such selfish reasons. The OP is seeking serious help. Let's do what we can to offer constructive advice. :straightface:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tania_aCrossdresser

I say divorce her and be happy.

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This is the wrong time for sarcastic humour. Your comment adds nothing, and in my view, it is destructive. :sad:

Cindy, most of the other posters have good ideas. Paulette, J'Lynn and Reine have sensible ideas to start with.

The only thing I can add is if your wife wants you to undergo testing for gender identity, even if it's for reassurance, it's a good idea to do it.

Good luck. :)

Thanks for all of the support. We're taking it one day at a time. At this point I'm backing off on dressing and she's Facing it head on, folding my panties and making me keep them in my drawer. We decided that the D word was not acceptable, and we've concluded that there's no other issues causing friction. Sooo, its going good, all things considering.

Sorry bout your trouble,I have great girl in my life,concerned if tell her it would ruin everything.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cindy.

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

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This echoes my situation about 16 years ago. Get ready for the worst. At this moment, right now, she's at least sympathetic. But that can rapidly change to anger, and then the locks can get changed, and you get presented with divorce papers at work all on the same day. Don't keep your head in the sand about this. If she's been trying to accept it for three years, and wound up in tears about it and told you she can't accept it, then that's most likely the way it's going to go (because that's the exact time frame it happened to me!).
I repeat, BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST. Hoping for a happy ending won't make it happen. Discussing things on these forums where everything is kept 'nice' to make us feel good about ourselves does not change the outside world! If she brings this to any of her friends, co-workers, relatives, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE SUPPORTED! Most likely they will tell her she's right and you are a lying freak and that she should get everything she can from you! Even many if not all of your friends will turn on you when they find out you are a crossdresser! Including your relatives! And if you're in the 'bible belt', someone may even decide to 'get religious' on your ass! If she has male siblings and they find out, you may even be in physical danger!
She's already decided that: "She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am."
That states that you're not being who you really are, and that you're not the person she thought she married.
Good luck. You're going to need it. Get your financial affairs in order, and make sure you have some type of back up when she closes your joint bank accounts and you're assets are gone.
Angry wives who think you've deceived them can and will to horrible, horrible things. Whether they regret them later won't help you when it happens.
Consider this, as you can wake up tomorrow with this scenario:
Credit cards cancelled; she can easily report them all stolen.
Bank accounts emptied.
Locks changed on your house and restraining order in place to keep you away from your own home and her.
You outed to your coworkers, friends and family.
The only male clothes you have are the ones on your back.
All your other belongings put in storage 'for safe keeping' until she can get a receipt for all of it. Of course, until you go through the lawyers, you have nothing but the shirt on your back! That can take days or even weeks.
Your car taken after being reported stolen (by her or a friend of hers).
All this she can accomplish without you're knowing what's going on until all the crap hits the fan on the same day. Then, you're toast.
People who support her, as well as her lawyer, may suggest all the above to delay or prevent you from mounting any defense to her plans to acquire as much of your assets as she can. If she feels 'wronged' in any way, that's how it will be played out.

I believe the correct saying is, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. Don't forget that. In her eyes, she feels rejected in favor of the woman, in her eyes, you've decided to become.

Im really very sorry you are going through this, Im not too sure if she hasnt accepted it by now if she ever will. I could be way off base but thats what I see around me with my friends.
Do what your heart tells you because in the end were left with ourselves and our choices. I was in a miserable marriage for 14 years because he was so alpha male and I wanted something different, I finally had to walk away because I was so miserable and could never be myself.
You will be in my thoughts!

So, we've been talking openly about everything. We both agree that we will not split up. So I got that goin' for me. I also found out that she does love us shopping together. For some strange reason she likes it when we go to the clinique' counter together and I understand what people are saying instead of being a mindless, bored husband. We both agree that the D word is not an option, and we both understand that people don't stop crossdressing very often. And we're working on finding some common ground while trying to make it through Christmas with some sanity.

Sounds like you both are making some nice progress. I am glad things are looking better for you.

I really have no room to speak as i am recently divorced. My ex told me that she felt like there was another woman in the house and felt like i was having an affair with my dressing because i would stay up and dress. i learned some valuable lessons the hard way and the pain was unbearable. Value cannot be taken only given and those who feel their value has gone down ultimately make the decision to resign. I told my ex before we got married and we married 2 months later. We divorced because she believed that marriage would "fix" me. Recently she discovered that fixing a person is impossible, but sticking by someone through the difficult times is far more rewarding than calling it quits like she did. We both need to improve our understanding of things. To many times i have read and felt that many on this board blame the woman for not understanding or being open to the idea, but what we need to remember is that "strength" comes in our times of difficulty and rough patches in our relationships. Take your time and dont be irrational and leave her on the curbside where its cold, dark and dreary. Be the sweetheart that you are and give her a giant big girl kiss and hug and apoligize for the pain caused. She is feeling like you dont understand her feelings and need as a woman. In fact there is a post on this very subject, which having her read would comfort or confirm her fears but we would be here to help. especially the fantabulous f.a.b.s.!!! SMILE girlfriend. =)

Kristen~~

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ReineD

But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you?

---

Reine is once again a light in the darkness. All the things she listed is what my wife told me a lot of women have concerns about regarding CDing. It's great that you seem to have made some progress already but you have to get to the bottom of what she really has an issue with (even with my wife in the beginning needed to be reassured - on a regular basis - that I would not be transitioning) .. it's apparently the fear of where things might lead, you know, once you start you can't stop, or the genie once out of her bottle has no boundaries. Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing and open your heart to her, bare your soul, and always listen carefully and understand what she is saying. There is a way forward. Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cindy.

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

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Me and mine have recently been in a patch of DADT. Wasnt great. She wasnt 100% comfy with it, we both disguised this with just not talking about it.
It doesnt work.
I know, because we too recently had a weepy conversation, we both knew we couldnt go on not talking about it, hiding it, almost like the lie that was before she ever knew I dressed.
But we reconciled that if there was to be any real future for us, we had to learn to make it a topic we could talk about over our evening meal.
Not have to change channel whenever the topic came up on TV no matter how supportive it's standpoint on the matter. (UK- Corronation Street, My Transexual Summer)

Things are better now, new boundaries were drawn up and were both happier for it.
Separation is not the only way through this, but the other ways are harder.
I wish you happiness

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tania_aCrossdresser

I say divorce her and be happy.

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I hope that was sarcasm (which you should by now know DOESNT work in text format), otherwise you may just be the worst example of a human on this forum

One thing you should do is find a couples counselor who also has gender counseling experience.

There may a number of different options available, and you may need to decide what are the issues for BOTH of you.
If she has been deceptive the whole time, then there may be some serious guilt, which gets turned into blame.
If possible, you can let her know that realize how hard it must have been for her to deal with this.
You can let her know that you wish you had told her much sooner.
You can also let her know that you still love her and want her to be happy.

You might also ask her what she would like to have with you.
Is there a common framework you could agree to.
If she doesn't want you going out, would she like to make love to Cindy?
If she doesn't want the sex with Cindy, then could Cindy go to a hotel and go dancing and things on her own?
Maybe you and your wife should go to a hotel for week-end every month, where you can go shopping, have fun, make love, watch romances...

You should also talk to the councilor and work with him to determine where you really want to go.
If you could have anything you wanted, and knew that you would have a loving partner who was at least as wonderful as your wife, would you want to be; A boy? A girl? A transsexual?
If you want to continue to be a boy, do you want to just make love? Just go shopping together? Just go out for dinner together?

And how often would you like to do it?

You might consider doing the Landmark Forum as well. I know it made a huge difference in my life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Smile

I hope that was sarcasm (which you should by now know DOESNT work in text format), otherwise you may just be the worst example of a human on this forum

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Bravo, Smile! I've been looking for a way to explain this in ten words or less, and you've done it: Sarcasm doesn't work in text format. Brilliant! :)