fights, arguments and etc.

For anyone who is out to their SO, newly or otherwise, I have a question that has been bothering me. How long does it take to stop feeling that every little agrument or fight has something to do with CDing? As you may have previously read from my other posts, I have been out to my wife for about three weeks now. This whole thing is still very new to my wife and im sure that she has'nt even proscessed it fully yet and so I feel like I may be overanalizing every little thing way too much. it is my greatest fear that she is going to decide that it is something that she just cant live with, though she hasnt said anything of the like, its just my own nerves working on me I believe. anyway, not to rant on, but has anyone else felt the same way?
- April :brolleyes:

I'd say, make sure you don't keep bringing it up, if that is what you are doing. Just chill and back off, three weeks is not a long time. Just be the person you were before you told her, so she realizes you are still the same person she fell in love with. She has her needs too.

Why are you worrying about something that hasnt happened and may never happen - take your wife at face value - if she isnt throwing it in your face then she is probably fine with it.

My OH & I have had arguments since he came out to me - I've not brought up the CD'ing in an argument - except when the argument was about buying stuff in secret - and that wasnt really an argument, more a discussion.

spend time being happy and loving your wife, not worrying about things that many never happen.

Hi April, The ball is kind of in her court now don't rush things remember baby steps work best.

April, I have only been out to my wife for a month. All I could think about was that she was thinking about my CDing. She is not happy with it but has not freaked out eather. I came right out and ask her if she wanted to talk about this new thing that came into her life. Her response was " this is not the biggest hurdle that we will have to cross and that my CDing is not as important as the fact that I hide something so important in our lives from her for so long." Her feelings were hurt that I had lied about some things with the cloths.
It takes some time and your worst enemy is your own head. Show her a lot of love and give her some room. Be honest and by all means keep the line of communication open but don't force it.
My best to you and your wife, I know how hard this is, trust me on that front.

PM me if you need to talk.
Wonderwho

The newness of the disclosure to your wife is causing you to constantly relate everything to your crossdressing. It is analogous to having a small pimple on your nose. You are aware of it and think that everyone who looks at you sees it. In reality, the majority of the people never notice but the phenomena is what keeps plastic surgeons in business.

Sorry April, but it's different with each case, no two women are a like. And only we can control how we hear what is said. I know I thought every little thing said was about IT, turns out it wasn't, it was about just what see was hollering about, but that's not the way I would take it. But plenty of asking, and lots of conversation, when it's welcome, and time to adjust for both of you. She has to get use to this about you, and you have to get used to here knowing about it. Then if she can accept you, life returns to normal, a new normal to be sure. If she never learns to accept it, that will also come out with time. But it seems like most of the time, if they get past the initial shock, odds are in your favor.
Tina B.

I am going on three years since I told her and I still feel like that because she won't talk about it when I know it bothers her.

I know it bothers her as she has had a couple blowups and freaked out, the last time she grabbed all my stuff out of my drawers and tossed them about the room while yelling at me that I was not trying. I kept my mouth shut while this happened. I cleaned up afterwards when she left. She did apologize for her actions but I am still waiting for her to acceptme for me as I am what I am.

I wish you and your SO the best of luck, my suggestion would be don't bring up specifics but let her know you are willing to answer any questions she may have. Good luck.

Don't focus on the topic or try to figure out the underlying cause..you cant read minds and neither can she. Instead, think about how you can avoid turning a question or issue into an argument, small or large. People can get into bad communications habits thatcreate needless problems in a relationship.

Well, that can be a tough one for anyone to answer and actually know the real answer. I'll assume she is accepting of you since coming out? Here is my scenario which may or may not relate.
Been out and have an accepting/encouraging s/o now for about 10 years or so. I believe because of our total honesty to each other, we rarely if ever, have an argument. Sure we have our moments of frustration but never what I could describe as a full blown argument. We simply ignore each others 'bad day' attitude. Having said that, there were times when I would avoid dressing en femme, feeling it would just escalate the problem at hand. Would it have? No idea, but I was not about to test the waters, or encourage any negativity with regards to the situation. What any argument per say did do to me, and I remember well, is turn me totally off to dressing en femme for a spell. FEAR. I now suspect, looking back, the 'fear' was all created from years of hiding in the closet and losing that automated instinct was not a simple task; a task that probably will take a lifetime to acomplish. I lived with that fear(hiding) for about 40 years. Today I have no fear whatsoever because I accepted who I am and care not what others think/say/do.
So did the fact I am gender enhanced have any input into any arguments? No, not at all unless the argument was about the number of pairs of shoes I own. Never. BUT, it could have been brought up as a tool to cause insult to me; a way of getting to me, but in no way did it create any discussions. That is the misconception in our heads caused by that fear we lived with for so many years. Go slow and if you are unsure, ask her that same question when you have her on a really good day. The more you keep the lines of communication open and honest, the better she will learn to trust you more.

Hi April, your arguments or feelings of anxiety over CD-ing are normal and, in time, will likely subside. Arguments can be triggered by any number of real issues, money, female (and male) hormones, you getting ahead of the 'program', and almost anything else. Your worst danger is to "assume" that every dispute is due to the CD issue, there are likely enough other issues in any life today to create frustration and trigger an argument. Responding in a harsh or defensive manner to an initial comment is not good either; sort of like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Take time and be patient.
Hugs and good luck,
Sandra1746

As for the arguments...well, this may sound strange, but we don't have any. We never have had any.
The topic of my dressing never comes up as part of an argument. We've been able to discuss it fully and freely from the start and it's never evolved into an argument.

I came out a little more than one year ago. We talk about my crossdressing often or things related to cross dressing, like fashion (what i like, what she likes, etc...). While my wife and I don't argue much at all, prior to coming out, I found that I nit picked everything she said. I'd jump at the chance to prove her wrong about something. Now, it's just small stuff I don't even care about. To your primary question, how do you know it's not about crossdressing? Talk about THAT, frequently. If you do, no argument can be about CDing. That's the elephant in the room, don't allow any question she has to be hidden or fester. By the way, you can never,ever, be defensive or offended regardless of the question. You have a obligation to be the most objective about CDing. It's weird, she can't be expected to understand it, but through discussion she can become more comfortable.

I want to pass on just one example of being objective. When my wife asked me if I was gay, I found it funny that I thought it was odd that she'd ask me this. I mean of course I'm not gay. I'm married, we have kids, we have sex,etc. How can the fact that I like to wear a dress and heels possibly make her think I was gay!?!? The irony of that statement makes me laugh even today. Be objective. listen to every question and answer it honestly and most importantly, make sure you have no more secrets to tell. Good luck

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Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO

Why are you worrying about something that hasnt happened and may never happen - take your wife at face value - if she isnt throwing it in your face then she is probably fine with it.

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April, this comment struck a chord with me. When I have asked my wife what she thinks about my crossdressing, the usual answer is, "I don't think about it.". Meaning it never comes to her mind as relevant enough to think about. If she has a question she will ask and I still try to open that door now and again, but just like SP here, it's not on her mind. Now, the fact that you kept this a secret is very likely on her mind right now.

Is every fight CD related? Maybe not. Certainly there can be more stress in the relationship due to this new revelation. That said though, it may also be that there were other issues in the relationship before you revealed details of yourself. This could simply be the icing on the cake and a way for your SO to justify her argument. Whatever that may be.

If your love and respect for each other is strong and your relationship was on steady ground before you told her of your crossdressing, you have little to worry about and this is simply a blip on the radar. Try to be honest with her and give her time to figure out what your crossdressing means to you, your relationship, and to her. There is alot of fear and uncertainty when they discover this side of you. Assure her things are the same, just more open.

Take her word on it. If she is angry because you didn't do something she asked, like taking the garbage to the curb, then she is angry that you didn't take the trash out! Plain and simple. Don't read too much into it until she starts fighting about the CDing. You will know when a fight about it is happening. She will say it.

I know that we can pull the stupid crap of "I'm fine" when we're not, "It's nothing" when it is something, and such. But, the reason that happens sometimes is that we don't know exactly what we are feeling and cannot word it. We have to process things first. How can we tell you what we feel and want when we cant even figure it out ourselves.

Give her time. Dont push the issue until it is brought up. She will ask, or yell (which is sadly what I did the first 2 years) when she is ready to discuss it. Treat her exactly as you did before, except do it even better! Tell her you love her, touch her when you pass her in the hallway... Do things you did while dating. Make her comfortable, because if she is content she may not ever fight about it, knowing she is safe.

When I came out, my ex wife swore that it would never be an issue, but every argument and fight we had (and they were numerous, which is one of many reasons she's an "ex" now) she would bring it up and use it against me. The topic never went away, whenever she got angry it would eventually boil down to "Well if you were not crossdressing, you'd... <insert something here>". That usually had me storming off because of the way I felt betrayed every time that came up. She was as reliable as a hungry shark whenever any arguments came up, she'd tie anything (dog died, property taxes went up, Bush getting re-elected, etc) to my crossdressing.

I'm so much happier now that I'm rid of her. No more head games.

Based on my personal experience.... I think it will stop when one of you dies!

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

April, this comment struck a chord with me. When I have asked my wife what she thinks about my crossdressing, the usual answer is, "I don't think about it.". Meaning it never comes to her mind as relevant enough to think about. If she has a question she will ask and I still try to open that door now and again, but just like SP here, it's not on her mind. Now, the fact that you kept this a secret is very likely on her mind right now.

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This is not me. I do think about it. I see anything on TV related to being dressed, I think of it. I thought about it quite often during the first 2 years. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes just because. But, like you said, it was the secrets and lies behind it that bothered me so much. So when I did think about it, it was those feelings that had me hurt. Now I just think about it because I am on this forum. Which is way better for me, because I have information that I didn't have before.

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Originally Posted by Melissa_59

When I came out, my ex wife swore that it would never be an issue, but every argument and fight we had (and they were numerous, which is one of many reasons she's an "ex" now) she would bring it up and use it against me. The topic never went away, whenever she got angry it would eventually boil down to "Well if you were not crossdressing, you'd... <insert something here>". That usually had me storming off because of the way I felt betrayed every time that came up. She was as reliable as a hungry shark whenever any arguments came up, she'd tie anything (dog died, property taxes went up, Bush getting re-elected, etc) to my crossdressing.

I'm so much happier now that I'm rid of her. No more head games.

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I am so sorry that you had to go through that. How long did that go on before ending it?

Thankfully, my husband and I got through this, I did do it a couple times (about once every 6-8 months during 2 years) for a day or so, apologized repeatedly and then went quiet about it again. I didn't know what to ask or how to ask him about it, and I assumed the worst. Now I openly ask him whatever I want, get my answers, then move on. It's MUCH easier.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Based on my personal experience.... I think it will stop when one of you dies!

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Or as in the case of wife #2....D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

As she told me.."If I wanted to be married to another woman I'd have married one!", so she left me and did just that!

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I am so sorry that you had to go through that. How long did that go on before ending it?

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Twenty-three years.

It wasn't just the arguments about crossdressing, there was a lot more going on that I won't get in to here. But I tried and tried and tried to fix the marriage, but it takes two to make a marriage.

And only one to break it.

Melissa

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Originally Posted by DeeDee4U

Or as in the case of wife #2....D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

As she told me.."If I wanted to be married to another woman I'd have married one!", so she left me and did just that!

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I figure that if my wife and I divorced that the arguements would stop.... She has a cell phone and isn't affraid to use it! Lol.

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Originally Posted by Melissa_59

Twenty-three years.

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HOLY CRAP! I am so sorry!!!

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Originally Posted by Melissa_59

It wasn't just the arguments about crossdressing, there was a lot more going on that I won't get in to here. But I tried and tried and tried to fix the marriage, but it takes two to make a marriage.

And only one to break it.

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You are so right on that one! Marriage is the hardest job, and it does take work from both. One alone cannot do it, or it becomes lopsided. Both have to take blame when something isn't working, otherwise it shows one was just not trying.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

I figure that if my wife and I divorced that the arguements would stop.... She has a cell phone and isn't affraid to use it! Lol.

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I just spit my drink! HA!

Crossdressing notwithstanding, the wise man never "wins" an argument with his SO. If you understand that, you are more of a woman than I am. The cartoon Katy Kaboom was just an illustration of what happens inside when emotions are involved and not resolved.:)

It is very hard not to worry about something that is so ingrained in yourself that could have a big impact on your marriage depending on what the wife is thinking about, and you have no way to know what they are thinking about. Try not to worry, but try to keep lines of communication open. If she is open to talking about it, avoid doing secret things and include her in what you do, and discuss what you might want to do. Right now my wife is in the dont tell me or show me anything about it. So I am back to hiding it. I believe this will change with time, but it is difficult when you cant talk. It gets confusing when we do the laundry, and she folds my things for me without a word, so I really dont quite know where she is at the moment, and I just keep it all on the downlow. Just make sure that at all times she knows how much you love her.

I would say that it took me a few years before i got over the (what I call the CD tantrums) :silly: when I would assume that very bad mood or negative comment was aimed at the CDing, but then i am inclined to be a bit over sensitive .:heehee:

You need to get your head in a place where you don't care what she thinks and if she uses it as ammunition just remind her that it hurts you and...remind her that you told her because you trusted her and respected her and if she acts that way it destroys that. Basically, for anything out of line, CDing or not...if my wife says something negative I ask her to repeat it, then, if she does, I say I don't understand, please explain... makes her think at least.

First rule of CD club, don't fight with your wife.

My wife will occasionally get mad at me, but I don't worry about CDing being behind it, unless she specifically mentions something to do with CDing. It's not worth the stress to worry about something that may not be true.

Most times (98% maybe) I just let her rant without arguing back.

So, in the past 3 weeks, how many times have there been little arguments or fights?Is this more than usual for any other period prior to coming out?

If so, sit down with her and calmly hash it out. Don't argue, don't raise your voice. Tell her you love her!

You are so new in this!!! Give in and don't argue..BUT,stand your ground and do as you want to.Then,over time,she MAY realize how important your girl side is to your happiness.

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Originally Posted by Chickhe

You need to get your head in a place where you don't care what she thinks and if she uses it as ammunition just remind her that it hurts you and...remind her that you told her because you trusted her and respected her and if she acts that way it destroys that. Basically, for anything out of line, CDing or not...if my wife says something negative I ask her to repeat it, then, if she does, I say I don't understand, please explain... makes her think at least.

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This sounds very controlling! Do you really talk to your wife like she is a child?!?!

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Originally Posted by rogina garter

You are so new in this!!! Give in and don't argue..BUT,stand your ground and do as you want to.Then,over time,she MAY realize how important your girl side is to your happiness.

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He doesn't even know if she is "for" or "against" it. She hasn't said anything. He is just assuming. What does he have to stand his ground for? And "do as you want" isn't much help if she IS against it. He would be divorced in seconds.

Let me throw another thought into this. If you want her to be accepting/tolerant, you will have to keep a positive attitude about your dressing. If you are thinking every argument is about dressing, then you aren't there. Up your attitude! Accept yourself and as others say, let her bring it up. Don't assume as you will drive yourself nuts.

I've had a few times with my wife when it felt a little like what you're describing and I certainly wanted to be defensive about it. However, when I stepped back and looked at it, the CDing was almost an excuse or an easy target. What I mean is that when something big came up or my wife was upset with me about something else this was something far easier to harp on than the real issue. I'm sure the CDing added stress as others have mentioned, but I think it was very rare that it was the core issue we were upset over. We just had to keep talking and figure out what was really bothering both of us. So, keep listening, if it's really the crossdressing it'll become clear soon enough ad you can then actually focus on the things you can control and hopefully talk through it.

Good luck,
Bree

I would reread Mandy's last post. I believe she hit the nail on the head.
Do not try to push anything to hard, It will push you back, and sometimes it is best not to provoke
a situation, it will always flare up into something bigger than what it was that started the argument.
Rader

Hi All, I just want to make a quick point of clarification to this post since it seems to have gone off in a slightly different direction than I first intended. We haven’t had any fights about cross-dressing at all, as a matter of fact my wife has been wonderful about the whole thing and very supportive of me, actually we have had less arguments since I have come out to her, because I feel so much more happy and content over all, and truthfully we have had very few fights or arguments over our whole 12 year marriage, we are a very good match for each other. My point for this post is that it was all in my head, and had nothing to do with cross-dressing in any way, she was just a little tired and cranky, and my insecurities were getting the best of me as is often the case for me, I do sometimes tend to be a little nervous at times by nature. Anyway, not to ramble on, but my question is, Since coming out to your SO or any other person, do you now tend to overanalyze every little thing in some attempt to make sure that the other person is ok, or is this just another of my quirks? Thanks for listening. - April

The thing that bugs me is when it is used as "ammo" in an argument. I'm usually the one to walk away or bend in the rules because my wife bent her rules to stay with me when I told her about Jessica. It's the least I can do. Sometimes, on some things, you just can't do that. For example, I had a work meeting I had to go to for two hours. I work nights, so it was from 10-midnight. Two hours. She was mad because she thought I was going out just to go out. Can't bend on that one....but I'm happy to say she never uses it as ammo. Is it "in the chamber" so to speak? You bet.

Good thread! I especially like hearing the wife's point of view from MandyGG. :)

My only advice would be don't change anything about yourself, if you never came home with flowers before don't start now. Make sure you are the same guy she love's and not the guy whose trying to sell her something. Just take it slow don't push it and i believe you will be alright.

April

I actually understand what you are saying. For those first few months you feel like every time your partner is a bit quiet or doesn't want to talk or just wants to go to sleep etc. that they are thinking / stewing over the TG thing. Honestly, they probably aren't, most of it is in our heads I'm pretty sure (see replies by the other GG's here). I think a part of that feeling is because you yourself have to come to an acceptance of what this all means to your relationship and to you, now that "someone else" knows. Certainly I found as I became more comfortable myself I stopped thinking that my wife was constantly thinking about the whole CD thing.

After 15 years of marriage, I came out to my wife almost a year ago (May 1st, a day I'll never forget). For all the wrong reasons I kept it secret. She saw that I'd been on this site, asked me about it and I told her the truth. Our once perfect marriage (except for this secret that I never shared) has been forever changed for the worse. The way she use to look at me with love in her eyes is gone. She never touches me and she never seems happy anymore. I haven't cross dressed in almost a year but she doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't believe me, she always thinks I'm hiding something. She refuses to go to counseling as a couple or alone. I pray with time, things will get better because I know that I'll always be a cross dresser, I can't change that, I've tried.

Chiche,

How long have you been married , no better question, how long has your wife known?

I'd have left the first time you pulled that " I don't care what you think" on me.

In life you get what you give.... and I'm so sorry to hear your wife doesn't care what YOU think.

Presh GG

Haven't you heard? After a man says, "I DO" he then must learn the next most important 2 words... "YES DEAR" Those words can stop an argument before it starts!

April you really need to get your head around the fact that if your wife says she is fine, she is most likely fine.

I've never thrown the CD'ing in my husband's face if we have had an argument - nor would I. The only time I got really mad was when I found he had been buying stuff in secret even after he'd 'come out' to me. I was hurt that he felt he still needed to hide and keep secrets. I got mad, he was sorry and that was that.

I am pretty sure that as long as the CD'ing doesnt impact on you doing your normal chores around the house, etc. then your wife isnt going to get mad about it. It's likely that if and when the CD'er starts leaving the chores to go play with his girly stuff thats when the wife is going to blow up! hence the comment "well if you wern't crossdressing you'd have time to do the ................"

Brandy - you are funny! :rofl:

My only advise would be to not throw it in her face and give her time to adjust. I know nothing of your relationship and if you had fights or arguments before telling her. Do not try to pigion hole yourself or her by imagining things that have not happened.

As to my relationship with my wife. We had never had a fight before I told her and only one very minor disagreement since. And, it was my fault because I pushed the issue beyond our agreements.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time for her to get used to it even if she says she's okay with it. These things take time.

For me it feels like if I try to have a discussion with Kristy about any normal topic that we would have BC (before cross-dressing, or the knowledge of) then she will bring up something about the cross dressing and that she should never have told me. Except I wasn't mentioning it at all...I just wanted to know why the garbage wasn't taken out... My point is, Kristy is hypersensitive that everything is about CD now. I don't feel that way at all. If I have a question about it, I will ask. If I have a gripe I will make it known. Otherwise, life is business as usual, but wearing different ensembles than before.

This is why I'm so scared to get into a relationship.
I used to be just fine before all of this, and now here I am... a dude that goes out into the most public eye masquerading as a woman. I can no longer elimninate this part of me, I am what I am. Life's great otherwise. I have have no other complaints.