3 years later- why do i want to dress up again- should I?

Hi. I am writing here trying to get some input, as I am just lost.

As background, I am in my late 20's and I remember my first experience dressing up when I was back in 6th grade. When I went to college, I got to wear dresses, heels etc, a lot more in private and I loved how I felt- felt like a girl, who wished there was a girls night event and i was one of of the girls. I remember doing my nails, and getting excited over the color.

About 3 years back, I decided to put this to an end. I am not sure if I decided to end this, because I had some sort of guilt, or if I was tired of doing this in secret and did not want the burden, but I killed doing this. I had even told a very close female friend about my self and had told her that i was quitting, despite her offering to help me.

Today, 3 years later, I am thinking about this more and more. A part of me wants to paint my nails, wear a dress, put on some heels. I have gone from 3 years of not doing this, to all of a sudden, wanting the feeling of being a girl. Part of me wishes that I had taken my friends help and dressed up.

What do I do? I have not worn a dress, walked in heels for 3 years-- do I stay firm, or did I really kill something that was part of me? How do I tell this friend, that 3 years later, I have given up and want her help. I just don't know what to do.

If you had killed this desire, you wouldn't be wanting to dress now, right? It's in us, with us always. Temporary stoppages are normal.

I believe it is in us and trying to wash away doesn't work for most. I have gone for long times between getting a chance to dress, years even but I always find myself wanting to. Most time it starts just walking through the mall or seeing a girl and wishing I had that dress or had my styled that way. Good luck!

hi amy,
my biggest regret with all this since joining was that this resource was not available to me when your age,
you found it, you desire it, own it, accept it, enjoy it, otherwise you will be like myself, if only, my humble opinion, its always your choice.....

What makes you feel comfortable? What makes you feel like yourself?

Whatever that answer is... do that.

<3

- MM

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

If you had killed this desire, you wouldn't be wanting to dress now, right? It's in us, with us always. Temporary stoppages are normal.

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Yeah, I think you are right-- if I had killed it, then I would not want to dress right now. Or for that matter, want to paint my nails.

A part of me misses how I felt wearing a dress or wearing the excitement of trying on new heels, but then again, doing this secretly and alone, it feels like a burden.

I believe that we have the ability to dress or not, as you have proven for the last three years.

But I also believe that we do not have the ability to stop having the desire to dress, as you are also apparently proving.

The best thing I have ever done for myself is to understand that this is who I am.

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Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit

I believe that we have the ability to dress or not, as you have proven for the last three years.

But I also believe that we do not have the ability to stop having the desire to dress, as you are also apparently proving.

The best thing I have ever done for myself is to understand that this is who I am.

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Thank you for the message. How did you come to terms with who you are? Was it a struggle for you? For me, I wish I were a girl, but I am having trouble reconciling the fact that on surface, I am a male, with a disconnect on how I feel on the inside, which is a girl.

Face it it "NEVER GO'S AWAY. Just talk to you friend se will most likely still help you.:hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by amy1986

...but then again, doing this secretly and alone, it feels like a burden.

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For me, dressing secret reached a point where I had to tell my wife. I couldn't keep that secret any longer. Since that time, about 4 years now, I go out when I like, go out with her when we can, and don't feel "alone" in this any longer. You do not have to be alone. There are groups all over the nation who can help. Where are you? Have you looked into http://www.tri-ess.org?

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

For me, dressing secret reached a point where I had to tell my wife. I couldn't keep that secret any longer. Since that time, about 4 years now, I go out when I like, go out with her when we can, and don't feel "alone" in this any longer. You do not have to be alone. There are groups all over the nation who can help. Where are you? Have you looked into http://www.tri-ess.org?

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I have not looked into this site. I am out in Philadelphia.

There is a Tri-Ess near you, for certain. Reach out tho them.

First off, there's nothing wrong with you if you have these desires. It may sound strange but for some (including myself) it takes a while to learn to accept this part of who you are. Next, if you are having these urges again (many of us have done this at some point usually at the cost of purging everything), I doubt suppressing it will help you. If you are worried about it, maybe you should see a therapist to help you with it. I'm not talking about a therapist to "cure" you but rather help you understand who you are. I went through a purge after thinking I could just ignore these similar urges but it came back. I decided that embracing it was a much better use of my time than trying to stuff it down. Luckily, you have a great support group here and most of us are willing to chat.

I've purged so many times I could not even count them! I've learned to accept this part of myself and since finding this site, I have become at peace with it!
This is a great place to be considering these feelings you are having...

Amy, I'm finding myself in the same place. I haven't had any desire to dress in years, and all of a sudden it's returned. I feel that it may even be stronger then ever.

At the end of the day, is dressing up in private really hurting anyone? If it makes you feel good, then why shouldn't you do it?

Amy - When I was in my late 20's I was dressing and felt as you did, that wonderful feeling and then purged thinking this is crazy. But it never goes away. I would secretly dress wondering what in the world was wrong with me. But as so many other here have said, it is part of you. Take it slow and explore that side of yourself. You will find that a lot of us here have been down the same road and can help. :)

That has to be your decision based on your feelings and who you feel you are. :)

Hi Amy,

Many have said it already . . . you can supress/hide/push down/silence the urge for various amounts of time but eventually it comes back and in most cases stronger than ever. Reaching out here is a good step and reaching out to a local TG support group is greater step. For me I dressed once completely at 17 years of age then pushed it aside for 32 years . . . it came back and now I am discovering this side of me for the first time. It is an interesting journey with many oddities to say the least. Why we do it, is one of those truly unanswerable questions. The best I can recommend is accept it, embrace it, garner as much support as you can and then integrate it into your life and see where the journey takes you. It may cease after a time only to come back again or you may find yourself progressing to presenting "en femme" more and more . . . the journey starts with one step forward and moves on from there.

Hugs

Isha

I made a sincere effort to stop all of it about five years ago when I was around 23. After about a year of that I had completely lost my mind and ended up here, shortly thereafter going on a shopping spree. Five years later I've come out to the world as transgender. Your mileage may vary but no matter where you fall along the gender spectrum, if you have these feelings they are never going to go away. You might be able to ignore or forget them for a while but they will always come back. I recommend doing some serious self-reflection to figure out exactly who you are. It worked wonders for me.

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Originally Posted by amy1986

What do I do? I have not worn a dress, walked in heels for 3 years-- do I stay firm, or did I really kill something that was part of me? How do I tell this friend, that 3 years later, I have given up and want her help. I just don't know what to do.

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Amy,

Many of us have gone through similar periods -- mine certainly were longer than yours. I think you have the message that you are not going to "kill it". I think you are fortunate to have a female friend who has offered to help you on the past. Consider what the Nike folks say ... "Just do it" and talk to her. Good luck from this little corner as well!

Amy,
As many have said stopping long term may not be possible but it may be more controllable depending how it started !
Mine started at an early age and was sexual from the start so I know my brain is hard wired nothing has changed in the intervening years ! If yours was more to do with curiosity maybe you'll be able to stop and start but it never goes away permanently, so try to come to terms with your CDing, think it through what you want and get from it and try not to feel bad about the feelings you have ! you're doing nothing wrong, it's the way others see it that creates the problem !

I can only speak from experience, but I believe you'll find this to be true with most or all of the girls here: the urge to dress will not go away. It may subside, get buried by events and activities in your life, diminish, but I will not ever completely go away. I speak from 50+ years of experience. It certainly sounds like you are doing something I did not do, which is accepting it. I spent those 50+ years denying that I had this need, this desire. You are on the right path by first being on this forum and secondly, being introspective enough to step back and look at it. I offer no solutions or a magic pill to make it all go away, but please continue this self examination and love yourself. We have been given this gift (yes, you will find out it is a gift) for some reason. For me, once I accepted it, it completely opened me up into this loving and attentive husband, father, friend, man and person in general. I sure love the girl looking back at me in the mirror now (even if she does need a shave).

As so many have said, this desire or need or whatever, doesn't usually go away. You'll find that competent professionals will agree. Avoid those who don't.

You mention that it feels like a burden to dress in secret. It is. Because you are treating this as though it's a character flaw or affliction. Cross dressing is neither. Think of it as a trait, like the color of your eyes or left handedness...something that is part of you, not a deficiency. You may not be able to reach that level of self acceptance alone. Consider talking to a competent gender therapist about your feelings.

Thank you everyone for your replies, and in many ways the support that you have lend to me. As I read through everyone's comments here, it seems like there have been similar tenancies to put this behind, but then coming to accept that it is a part of you.

The more I have been thinking about this since last night, the more tempted I am to order a dress, heels, etc. I think I am going to break the 3 year hold, and explore the side of me that wants to be a girl.

This is going to be a interesting journey.

Thank you again for all the comments, this is really helpful to me.

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Originally Posted by amy1986

I have not looked into this site. I am out in Philadelphia.

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I think the closest Tri-Ess to you will be in New Jersey. You should also look into Renaissance, a support group for transgender people of all stripes (crossdressers, transexuals, etc.); they meet the third Saturday of every month in King of Prussia, just outside of Philly. They have a meet-up group (on meetup.com) called "Renaissance Greater Philadelphia Chapter." Feel free to PM me if you have any questions...

Amy,

During your abstinence from dressing in women's clothing were you happy? And did you have any depression? Suppressing the desire to dress can bring one down.

Were you happier dressing? Did you have more energy?

During my married years, the desire to dress occurred many times. But I had very limited opportunities to dress. After my divorce, when I allowed myself the opportunities to dress, depression vanished; I seemed to have more energy; and I was happier.

The CDer's caution should be something to the affect: suppressing or avoiding wearing feminine clothing may impact your health and well being negatively.

Allow your fem side some opportunities and observe how it makes you feel.

I hope this helps,

D Michele

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Originally Posted by JamieG

I think the closest Tri-Ess to you will be in New Jersey. You should also look into Renaissance, a support group for transgender people of all stripes (crossdressers, transexuals, etc.); they meet the third Saturday of every month in King of Prussia, just outside of Philly. They have a meet-up group (on meetup.com) called "Renaissance Greater Philadelphia Chapter." Feel free to PM me if you have any questions...

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This is helpful-thank you.

That's the mystery and why we are so unique, it's like its in our blood and the littlest thing can trigger us. Last week I was at the mall not even thinking of dressing and had not dressed in a while, across the next table a women sits down and when she sat down she skirt raised a bit and I seen the control top of her pantyhose. Well out of nowhere that triggered something because I couldn't wait to get home and put on a pair of control top pantyhose. It's a super power, I quit smoking now for ten years, crave it once in a while but I can control the cravings, but tried to quit dressing many times and here I am still here. Good luck and if we don't hear from you anymore you will be one of little of us to make it.

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Originally Posted by DMichele

Amy,

During your abstinence from dressing in women's clothing were you happy? And did you have any depression? Suppressing the desire to dress can bring one down.

Were you happier dressing? Did you have more energy?

During my married years, the desire to dress occurred many times. But I had very limited opportunities to dress. After my divorce, when I allowed myself the opportunities to dress, depression vanished; I seemed to have more energy; and I was happier.

The CDer's caution should be something to the affect: suppressing or avoiding wearing feminine clothing may impact your health and well being negatively.

Allow your fem side some opportunities and observe how it makes you feel.

I hope this helps,

D Michele

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Was I happy? I tried to be happy, but everytime I heard a female friend talk about a girls night, a part of me always felt like as if I should be part of it.

I constantly find my self in company of a lot of women- I don't have any particular sexual attraction towards them, but just enjoy their company and I have always felt comfortable around women. Over the 3 years, I always wished I could be one of the girls.

I think as you and everyone else has mentioned, I need to give this some opportunity and I think I will!

Amy, it's probably already been said, but your feminine desires will only intensify as you get older. Get a box. In it, pack away your guilt and shame (but not your clothes/makeup/etc.) and take it to the landfill. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take advantage of your gift and enjoy it to its fullest extent.

There are a number of CD/TS groups in the Phili area, but those are mostly for girls who are "out and about". Like Raven, for instance.

You’re displaying the classic signs of “Stir Crazy”.
Find yourself a GG who will give you good advice, get your outfit together and go to the mall.
Look, dressing in your house doesn’t cut the mustard.
Like a party with no where to go.
And stop thinking about it, just do it. We’ve all been there and it isn’t as big of deal as you're making it out to be.
Just admit you’re a CD and get on with your life.
Best advice I can give you? Stay safe. Be aware of what’s going on around you. Avoid the classic mistakes: too large breasts, too tall heels, and too tight everything. Dress the way all the other girls dress. Blend.
Now go out and have a good time. The name of the game, after all, is FUN.

I actually went through a similar phase like you Amy. I dressed a lot close to three years ago, had so many clothes, makeup etc. I felt a guilt from it so I donated all of it to goodwill. We'll just about 6 months ago I got the sudden random desire to do so again. Now I'm back to having even more clothes and instead of feeling bad about it, I have been embracing it and have come to terms with this is who I am. I feel much happier with my self. If you can't be comfortable in your own skin, what's the point!?

Hi Amy, I prefer to see the acceptance and inclusion of our femme sides as coming closer to completing our personal jigsaw, rather than 'being different' to the average male. Gender isn't always as simple as male/female, for many here we are, say, 50-50, or 75-25, or 25-75, and for some the numbers vary month to month, even day to day.

Loving yourself, accepting yourself, is the secret of a happy life. While it may be true that being 100% guy might be simpler, the point it that you are a guy who is capable of getting excited by nail gloss, and no amount of stuffing the feelings down is going to alter that. You may try substance abuse, but that won't work either. Face it Amy, you are who you are.

And we certainly accept you unquestioningly, even if you're having problems accepting yourself.

I send hugs and support, and hope you will keep being part of this forum- I've found it a huge comfort.

Nikki