Wife won't go to counseling

It's been 10 weeks since my wife found some of my things and made me get rid of them. I've try to get her to go to counseling but she always has some reason for not going. Also she won't let me be alone for more than a hour at a time. Which is driving me crazy. She was going to her friends for a day but change the day to when I'll be working.

Just venting right now. I have a new pair of high heel boots that I want to wear but it might not happen till spring time.

As I sit here writing this I listen to see if she will come down and see what I'm doing.

She made you get rid of them? She won't let you be alone? You listen to hear if she'll come down to see what you are doing? And she won't go to counseling? That's no way to live! Time to see a lawyer. You don't have a wife. You have a keeper. I don't see any upside here.

Glenda, I really hope you and your wife are able to work things out. My wife was for many years not supportive then she changed on her own, and became supportive/understanding, as she learned more about CDing through social media. Openly discussing CDing has actually strengthened our relationship. My wife expresses her unconditional love for me which is amazing and I don't take it for granted. I don't have any answers other than to share my experiences. Every couple is unique and different. Wish I could help more...My thoughts are with you guys! Nikki

Why does she need to go to counseling?

She's my third wife. I told her before we got married about my CD. She talk to her sister about it and she was ok with it as long as she could talk to her sister at times. But her sister passed away last summer and she doesn't have anyone she can talk to. That's why she wanted to go to counseling not my idea.

I'm thinking you want her to go to counseling to understand you more.



Of course I don't understand why women are so freaked out about it it's just life.

From your account, your "wife" is a control freak and her behavior is similar to that of an abuser. She sounds more like a jailer than a partner. You need to go to the counselor alone to figure out why you put up with her crap.

Sister, you need to realize that you are as unique and wonderful as any of God's creatures, as deserving of love and respect as anyone. Your wife doesn't respect you, and that is a deal breaker, at least in my book.

It is possible that, in this early stage, your wife is not over the initial shock and not yet begun to process what this all means. My wife took forever to begin reading up on what it means to be a CD, but once she did, she went from wishing me dead to admitting she likes my taste in dresses. Only you can know what's possible with yours. I wish you all the luck in the world in softening her attitude. Failing that, I hope you can make a graceful exit.

Why should she go to counseling? She obviously has zero interest in your cross dressing.

She's not a "jailer" or an "abuser" she's just a women who can't trust the man she married.

It's not trust, people who are afraid of hearing things they don't understand, they in fear push it away.

I'v tried to tell my wife at least four times in our 40 year relationship and she never wanted to discuss it.

We/I've tried to be opened, but the results is always anger not a willingness to listen.

I find being someone who likes putting on a dress that there's all types of personalities out there.

Gays only recently got the right to get married. Way are crossdresers put down so bad?

Dose the act of dressing up make you a bad person? NO

If she chooses to not go to counseling then that's her choice. You have to be you, and you can't control how she reacts. However, you can control how you react. So always be open and honest with her.

Near the end of my marriage, as it was collapsing, I chose to take some personal development courses and attend one on one counseling sessions. She refused. I learned about myself, what I could control, what it would take to make me happy. It's not for everybody, but it worked for me. It was my experience that when I worked on myself, got myself healthy (mentally & physically), then everything else fell into place. I changed, the people around me didn't, but I was better equipped to deal with them after. It's something to consider.

Hi Glenda,
I know what your going through, been there myself with my wife. Twice as a matter of fact. After the 3 sessions she didn't like what she was hearing and talked to other relatives they told her to pick a counselor and she do and still didn't like what she was hearing and she left. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though it was my wife's idea like yours if they don't want to follow through with it there is nothing you can do. It's a hard decision to make. I really hope you come out of this ok with your wife.
Best of Luck to you

Hi Glenda
Going from your second comment, your wife is still probably grieving for her sister, she must have been close to be able to talk to her about your crossdressing. Grieving can be a long drawn out process and only time, crying and talking help the process.

I believe you need to sit down and talk to your wife and help her through this as, she doesn't seem to want to go to counselling, hence the excuses. You can then lead on to find out why her attitude towards your crossdressing has changed, she knew about it before your wedding, the only thing that has changed is her sisters death so that must be the catalyst.

Good Luck

Glenda,
The loss of your sister in law appears to causing the problem, it sounds like your wife has lost her support and the replacement is you as the man she married.
You will possibly have to leave it longer for the dust to settle !

My wife refused to join me in conselling, going alone isn't easy because certain aspects may have to be discussed with a partner which isn't easy if they don't want to know. The other sad fact is your CDing should be in a comfort zone now at your age, clock watching as you get older is so destructive mentally !
I guess it's just sit back and be patient and try to support your wife through her loss, I'm sure she'll get better , if only she could find a friend that she can confide in to support her with you CDing.

I have to say that Suzanne has gone in a bit strong on this one, some women can be like that but I feel Glenda's just needs time to readjust to her situation without her sister's support. I can imagine I would face a similar situation if my sister in law passed on !

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Originally Posted by suzanne

From your account, your "wife" is a control freak and her behavior is similar to that of an abuser. She sounds more like a jailer than a partner. You need to go to the counselor alone to figure out why you put up with her crap.

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As my shrink has said, behind the need to control, there is usually fear. Perhaps she is afraid of losing you to the "pink side." Maybe it's about a fear of friends/relatives finding out. Maybe she's afraid that your relationship will somehow suffer (as if it is not already). I think that getting to the bottom of those fears is key - it may not solve anything, but I think it is important to moving forward.

I am in the process of working this through with my wife, and I don't know how my story will turn out, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I did not have the benefit of an up-front agreement, but my wife has been open to counseling (my suggestion to try before talking to divorce attorneys). But I have found that owning my CDing as part of who I am has really changed the dynamic for the better. Something like "I love you and am here for you, but sorry, I am not getting rid of my clothes (and I need you to give me some space)." If you perceived as being on the fence, I think you can expect more efforts on her part to change you. In my case, we both know that stopping the CDing would be a lie, and it would just be a matter of time before the issue came up again, with probably more bad feelings on both sides.

YMMV, of course, I don't know all of your situation, but I hope you can find a way to be true to yourself while working out the future of your relationship, whether that is with or without her.

Best,

- Summer

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Originally Posted by suzanne

From your account, your "wife" is a control freak and her behavior is similar to that of an abuser. She sounds more like a jailer than a partner.

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Originally Posted by Laurana

Why should she go to counseling? She obviously has zero interest in your cross dressing. She's not a "jailer" or an "abuser" she's just a women who can't trust the man she married.

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Her behaviour is very much controlling and abusive. As for the exact reason, it may be that she thinks it's her duty to save you from being a 'pervert', or perhaps it's the only way she can see to save herself from that she can't handle dealing with. Either way, it's ultimately a response to her own feelings/fears about the issue. Whatever the reason, you both definitely need counselling. Having been through a similar situation I can tell you that it's no way to live and you will probably always be under the microscope in intrusive and demeaning ways until you either work it out or leave. And by 'work it out' I mean having her accept you because if you agree to never dress again she will continue to police you to make sure.

Sorry but I can completely understand her reaction. I am not saying I agree with it. But if she "found some of (your) things" then that means you were keeping secrets from her. Otherwise she would have known where they were. So she feels that you were not truthful and deceived her. Now she doesn't trust you.

Perhaps you could start out by apologizing for your deceit. Then figure out how to win her trust back. Even figure out a way that she will be able to verify that you are not keeping any other secrets.

Think of it this way, a hypothetical case.....
She had a gamboling thing before you were married. But because you didn't see her gamboling after you were married you figured she wasn't gamboling and you were happy. Then one day you find a shoebox or three full of lottery tickets. You realize she had been gamboling all along, just didn't tell you. She had been keeping secrets from you thereby deceiving you. How would you feel?

It sometimes is best to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and see what it is like from their perspective.

My :2c:

We can ask for acceptance but we can't demand it.

If your wife does not want you to crossdress, you can try to talk to her, but don't assume she "has" to agree, or even listen. Even if she said yes before she can change her mind, like everyone else.

Just like we have the right to live our lives the way we want to, our significant others have the right to live their lives with the person they want to, and that person might not be a cd.

I'm no counselor by any stretch, but her actions could be....super imposed anger toward you. When an emotional event happens, such as her sisters death it took her emotional blanket away. In her mind you caused her to need the emotional (sister) blanket to begin with and now it is gone. The only thing your wife has to cling to now, is the person who caused the problem, is the problem, remains the problem. All her (wife) hurt, anger and grief are transferred to you every time she sees or hears you. Every time you mention counseling, crossdressing or any thing related to it brings the pot to a boil again.

The only advise is to ask yourself.......would my life be better without her or staying with her. If you stay you will need to be nothing but the MAN of the house and support her. I can't tell how long that your relationship will remain that way, because I do not have a crystal ball to look into her mind. The emotional damage has taken place already, and her mind set could never change, so all you can do is hang around and weather the storm or throw up your hands a leave.

I gave you my idea as to why she is acting the way she is, and it is just my two cents. I do know this: it is her problem to be dealt with, however, she sees fit to deal with it. You can't change her and as others have said....you are the only one who can change. How you react is your option, only.

For the life of me I can't understand why a woman would object so strongly and put themselves through such misery, just because a man wants to look pretty himself. As a cder myself, and I go through life being one who wears cloths to do manual labor in, but on the occasion I like to look and feel pretty. Do not every women on earth do the same thing ? They wear sweets, jeans and tee's, but when they have an occasion to look pretty they do. Do I have a problem with two standards...yes, I do !:2c: :hugs:

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Originally Posted by Mayo

until you either work it out or leave. And by 'work it out' I mean having her accept you because if you agree to never dress again she will continue to police you to make sure.

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So what you're saying is she should be forced to accept something she doesn't want to accept? How is that at all fair to her?

Cross dressing isn't her thing it's his. It should not be forced on her.

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Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3

For the life of me I can't understand why a woman would object so strongly and put themselves through such misery, just because a man wants to look pretty himself.

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Because most women want to be married to a man not a dude who looks like a lady.

Glenda - You wife sounds scared, and is probably depressed about losing her sister, especially around the holidays. You probably need to understand and help her. If she was close to her sister, it takes a long time to recover and maybe she is looking for you to both comfort her and to fill a tremendous void. Maybe you need to be the person seeing a therapist, both for your own sake and to better understand ways to help her. You probably need to give her more time, maybe a lot more time. She was aware of your crossdressing before you got married and she accepted it and lived with it with her sister's help. Hopefully, she can regain that confidence and trust, but she will probably need more time a lot of help from you. Good luck Glenda. This has been a tough time for her and for you.

This is my first post here. I've been reading the forums for a while and it has helped a lot but my feelings do range from time to time. But I am trying to understand my husband.
Your wife is grieving. She has nobody to talk to regarding your crossdressing. The first year after someone's death is the hardest.....First Birthdays,Christmas,Mother's day and in the midst of her grief she finds your things. So,not only does she not have somebody to talk to about you,but then nor can she ring her sister to tell her that Johnny down the road is having an affair with Polly two doors over,nor can she ring her to tell her she's pissed off as she has put on a few pounds and her favourite jeans don't fit,nor can she ask her for the new recipie she was on about. Because her sister is dead. She's upset,lonely,confused and probably mired in grief and misery. And you are pissed off because you can't wear your new shoes.
If I sound angry,it's because I am having lost my own mother and only a couple of months later I find out that my husband is a cd and all the secrets and lies that go with it. It was very hard to deal with all of that on top of my grief. I think his wife deserves more understanding and for the cding ro take a back seat or 4. That's just my take on it.

I'm I a DADT marriage. It's been DADT for over forty years. It is a deep DADT. She has said absolutley nada, nil, nothing for more than thirty. In some respects it drives me crazy that she does not talk about it. The one comment she did make once that screams out still is she does not have anyone to talk to about my cross dressing. My wife even encouraged me over thirty years ago to find a support group.

I went back and read many of your postings/threads. Your wife seems to go warm and cool too often. There is no continuity. You? Well, it seems you give in to her dislikes by purging and, then, buying more. She tells you something complimentary or non threatening, and, then, toss it all. Even though she may have known about your cross dressing prior to marriage, she still has the right to evolve just as you have the right to evolve.

I suspect your wife's counselor died when her sister died. She has nobody to bounce comments off. Nobody with whom to discuss things. Whether or not counseling will resolve issues has a lot to do with the intended purpose of the counseling. If your intent is to convince her cross dressing is fine, great, the thing to do, and, her intent is to have you stop altogether, then it isn't going to work.

Frankly, you're really not into a DADT marriage if you keep leaving things out to be discovered or dressing in a manner she cannot freely roam her home. Sounds like prison for both of you. You're holed up in the bedroom, and, she in hers. You hang out watching baseball in an area of the home where she cannot roam because she may encounter you en femme. I don't see any solution.

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Originally Posted by Laurana

So what you're saying is she should be forced to accept something she doesn't want to accept? How is that at all fair to her? Cross dressing isn't her thing it's his. It should not be forced on her.

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I'm making the assumption that, like many people on this site, it's an important part of his identity/expression and not 'just a hobby' that can be easily given up. If he has no problem not dressing, then of course he has a lot more latitude in his response to her. If the time one spends on a hobby is excessive then that can always be negotiated downwards, but I don't think that's the case here. If my partner asked me to completely give up my primary hobby (boardgaming), I'd refuse, as I think would many of the guys who like to do such 'manly things' as watching TV sports or working on their cars.

I understand that she's having trouble dealing with this, even though she knew it intellectually before. The loss of her sister may be relevant. The current situation can't go on, though, so they both need to work this out somehow, and that will of necessity involve her accepting it to some degree unless he's prepared to give up dressing forever and is confident that it won't come back to bite them later. Whether or not he can really do that is something only he knows.

EDIT: If she can't accept it (even as a DADT) and he can't give it up, then either at least one of them stays miserable for the rest of their lives together, or he secretly takes it outside the home (which will cause exactly the same problems to resurface if discovered), or they split up. Period.

Laurana, you stated "because most women want to be married to a man, not a dude, who looks like a lady". The years I have been on this site I have saw your comment repeated over and over again and I still don't think it is accurate. Why ? Men can say we want our wives to look like ladies and not dudes, so you hide in a closet if you wear pants. They are all cloths, but Glenda said his wife made him get rid of the girl cloths. What if he ask/told her to get rid of all her male looking cloths. Understanding on both sides is the key for a healthy relationship. My comment you quoted still remains in my mind, why does a woman put herself through such emotional misery, because her husband wants to look pretty ?

The reality of it is, for both genders, when a difficult situations crops up in a relationship what should we do ? We should control our emotions and communicate in a rational manner, rather than blowing a head gasket and blaming the other SO in the relationship.

Just like the post by Dinky above. In her mind all of her emotional problems stem from her husband being a cder. Her advise to Glenda is to be more understanding of his wife. When does Glenda or Dinky husband get any understanding, to the point that they require. As I said....understanding by both is the key.

Who was there to understand me? Plenty of groups/forums for my husband. Not one lgbt group got back to me when I desperately needed help. Not one. The only one was The Samaritans which specialises in people thinking they want to hurt themselves. I didn't.
What I'm saying is that glenda needs to support his wife while she is grieving. The
Crossdressing is a seperate issue that will need to be addressed but he needs to put his wife first in this moment in time. She no doubt feels alone,confused,hurt,lonely and helpless she may feel has nobody to help her.

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Originally Posted by BettyMorgan

Near the end of my marriage, as it was collapsing, I chose to take some personal development courses and attend one on one counseling sessions. She refused. I learned about myself, what I could control, what it would take to make me happy. It's not for everybody, but it worked for me. It was my experience that when I worked on myself, got myself healthy (mentally & physically), then everything else fell into place. I changed, the people around me didn't, but I was better equipped to deal with them after. It's something to consider.

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^This.

Go by yourself. You will learn the difference between her boundaries and yours, and find ways to comfortably crossdress without involving your wife.


Dinky, welcome to the forum. I agree that Glenda needs to respect his wife's grief, support her fully in her time of bereavement, and not throw the CDing in her face. At the same time it is possible to find compromises that will not impact Glenda's wife.

Dinky,
It's great to get a GGs view on this and I'm inclined to agree with you. As I said in my previous reply I can see the same situation arising with me if my sister in law passed on. My wife has a close relationship and her support, I'm sure my CDing would have to be rethought if it happened.

Based upon many spouses of crossdressers I have met and what I have read, I believe most women prefer their spouses to dress like men (due to physical attraction, fear of gender issues, upbringing, religious beliefs, family, children, reputation, etc). Those that accept usually due so out of love, understanding, trust, confidence. And most males probably want their wives to look and act like women.

Also, it is unfair and inappropriate to judge Glenda's wife to be abusive and controlling. No one knows her except Glenda. And the loss of a sister is most likely a source of deep sorrow and possibly depression.

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Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3

Laurana, you stated "because most women want to be married to a man, not a dude, who looks like a lady". The years I have been on this site I have saw your comment repeated over and over again and I still don't think it is accurate. Why ? Men can say we want our wives to look like ladies and not dudes, so you hide in a closet if you wear pants. They are all cloths,

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Sorry Amy but clothes aren't clothes. Jeans and t-shirts are universal now adays and you can still look like a lady in them. Dresses, skirts, hose etc are not universal.

I'll say it again then ask you a question "because most women want to be married to a man, not a dude, who looks like a lady".

Now the question, Why would a man put his wife through such emotional misery just because he wants to look pretty?

I agree on the first point. I've seen the "it's just clothes" argument often, and yes, that's true in the material sense, but if there were not also social, cultural & personal meanings attached to a pink frilly dress vs a pair of khaki Dockers, CDing would probably not even be a "thing" and everyone would wear everything.

To the second point, I'd add the qualifier "... most heteronormative women ...". And I don't know that it is something innate and unchangeable as much as socially conditioned. But I agree that it is true on the face of it - most women are not looking for a crossdresser as their ideal mate.

On the final question, though - I think the Why is because the alternative is to (perhaps continue to) put oneself through emotional misery. I'm pretty sure that for all of the reasons people CD, CDing is about more than just "feeling pretty" - it is about real psychological wants and needs, and in some cases, having an outward gender that does not match what is on the inside. One can try to stuff those needs inside, but they are unlikely to go away, and more likely to come out in other, less desirable ways (resentment being just the start). I don't believe that anyone wants to put their SO through misery over CDing, and people have surely found ways to make it work with disapproving partners. From what I have read on this site in trying to figure out my own situation, I'm amazed by the range of arrangements people have made.

So, to the OP, I do think there is something to the loss of your wife's sister that makes this an especially difficult time, and that things will eventually get easier. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel selfish or uncaring as long as you are making an earnest effort to meet your wife somewhere in the middle. It sounds like you are, and I truly wish you the best.

Cheers,

Summer

I don't know why it's the "unaccepting" wives that need counseling. I get a little tired of hearing that comment.

It sounds to me like there was some sneaking going on and there may be an element of mistrust there. I don't want to pass judgement on anyone but there is only one side of the story here.

It sounds like your wife needs some attention and sympathy. She lost her sounding board. I don't agree with her methods but you might need to cut her some slack.

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I have a new pair of high heel boots that I want to wear but it might not happen till spring time

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Is this your biggest concern? Maybe lighten up a bit.

Also, Laurana's comment is pretty accurate. Women don't usually seek out CDers, they seek out men. When the find out about the CDing, they usually have to weigh the pros and cons. One of the biggest "cons" is deception, sneaking around, lying, and hiding things. Big turn off!!

It's the lies that gets me. So many lies over the last 10 years. It's been a year and a half now and it's still the first&last thing on my mind every day. I'm driven crazy with it because of the big white elephant in the room. It's affected my confidence and there's a massive trust issue.

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I agree whole heartedly with char GG.

Char and Dink, you both bring up good points. Thanks for the input. However, for the OP, the wife knew before getting married. In this current situation the wife suggested the counseling per the OP and now sounds like she doesn't want it. I agree, maybe some more time is needed before pushing for counseling. I cannot speak for others, but when I recommend counseling it is usually to have a third party intermediary, hopefully with the proper skill set and knowledge about the main problem at hand, CD in this case, who can help both parties better communicate, understand the main issues and hopefully be able to work through them over time. I think most recommendations here follow that train of thought. I do not believe that the wife is sick and needs help. Both need help. Yes, some may think that the non-CDing party may need more help, and that may be the case sometimes, but probably not always. However, there is probably a lot of work that needs to be done by both to figure it out and come to terms with it.

AllieSF, thank you for getting my point. Other posters missed it, but your comments nailed it. They both need help in determining who needs to give to the other the most. We don't need a pile on of either party, because none of us know either party. It seems the majority here want to point a finger at the OP, but like Allie said....we have two sides to this issue that needs to be looked at by all.

I think your wife is grieving. I would say. Sit down and listen to her. Let her talk just listen. Let her get it all out. It is probably the best thing you can do right now and it will give you answers and it may bring you closer to her. Which, she may respond by being stronger and accept you more. Make her a priority for a while. she needs it. Right now she is lashing out in fear and grief. As a man, the best thing you can do is listen to her. Let it flow out. She may just need to relive some happy times with her sister and may just need that someone who needs to listen to her and share that experience. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.

AmyLynn, I don't think we missed it, it's just we disagree. The OP is the one driving the situation here. The wife does not have to accept it if she does not want to. If it was you who doesn't want something and somebody else tried to convince or force it on you, you wouldn't say you need help accepting it, right?

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Originally Posted by Sky

If it was you who doesn't want something and somebody else tried to convince or force it on you, you wouldn't say you need help accepting it, right?

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And yet that is exactly what happens..just reverse it a bit. CDs WANT to dress and spouses force them not to...right? And we have had SOs force their TG spouses into counseling. Goose/Gander.

You can't force anyone (and you shouldn't in any marriage) to do things they don't like/want. In this case no you can't make the SO see a counselor. It would not work anyway (mental health people aren't there to make you think in any specific manner contrary to your feelings).

This is where compromise comes in.

Glenda, your post has obviously pushed a lot of folk's buttons! But, most seem to be projecting their experiences onto u and your SO. While none of us really know what's going on. Because we've heard so little from u and nothing from your wife! The result sounds like a lot of guessing games!

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Yours doesn't sound like one at the moment. I'd rather not guess why. But, I can tell u this, if u don't get help your marriage is in danger!

Find a good, experienced counselor and go see him/her ASAP. Hopefully, they will guide u in a positive direction and let u discover workable solutions for both your issues!:)

"Sister, you need to realize that you are as unique and wonderful as any of God's creatures, as deserving of love and respect as anyone"

Isn't Glenda's wife worthy of the same? Glenda brought the crossdressing to the table,yes before they were married and she accepted it but apart from Glenda's sister in law recent passing away,perhaps other goalposts were moved and his wife wasn't prepared for it (apart from his wife finding a secret stash of clothing.) That may not have been in the agreement-having them in the house. I imagine she is weary of lies and saw red.

Glenda - I always have sympathy for any of us that go through these DADT skirmishes and I don't see this as being much different from most of the others that you've recorded in your seven year marriage... :hugs:

I think you've pushed boundaries at times and it seems like your wife has become more accepting and then defaulted on her changed acceptance more than once - counselling would be useful, but no-one can force anyone to attempt the process... Refusing it does send a message, however...

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to - you have to live with that.
If you continue to push boundaries, you have to live with the consequences.
If you can't live within the current ones you may have to try living outside of the relationship.

I'm left with a similar thought I've had in the past when you've posted:

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"Repeating the same actions over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity..."

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No relationship is without compromise - and everybody lies... :)

Katey x

Maybe it's time to bring the issue to a head once and for all. She needs to know this is an important part of you and take it from there. That depends on you though.

Wow, this truely is the first post I've read on this forum in the last weeks that makes, what's the right word, ah yes, disappointed in quite a large number of you.

Perhaps some posters really should (re)read everything Dinky39 said.

Glenda, perhaps it might be a good idea for you to get some counseling. If you wife doesn't want to go with you, fine, but that shouldn't stop you.