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So I searched.
And the vast majority of the results were along the lines of "That was it!" "I could not handle it". "Why did he tell me now, after all these years"
Betrayal. Broken trus. Fear. Hatred.
That is what our partners feel, when we are be open. For those of you are deep into a relationship - I cannot advise. For those who are entering one - for you, and for her. Be open.
So I googled "Should I tell?" and the majority of hits were about "should I tell I cheated?" Just saying, that's what came up.
Amanda,
I haven't tried it!
Perhaps we shouldn't think this way, always thinking we are the guilty party , our partners aren't perfect and the question does work both ways !
Maybe they didn't tell us about their drinking or drug addiction at the extreme or they don't like sex that much and so on, none of us are perfect and no relationship is perfect !
We have to learn to give and take , CDers don't make bad partners once they are understood and accepted we often get forced into holding things back because of false values held by society .
after a horrible 6 months 5 years ago when i came out to wife of then 27 years things have gotten much better
i broke her heart and i takes a long time for a broken heart to mend
please tell any prospective partners before you marry don't do what i did
Ok....this is my experience only. I have been with my wife for 13 years, and married for 8. I just told her on the 26th of February out of the blue. I had not planned to tell her that day, it just happened. After a lot, an I mean a lot of talking, we are closer than ever before. The only anger she had was the fact that I had been suffering in silence for so long. She still loves me for me. We talked again today, and the reason she does not want to see me dressed just yet, is that she can't see me pulling if off.
[QUOTE=Teresa;3908719]Amanda,
I haven't tried it!
Perhaps we shouldn't think this way, always thinking we are the guilty party , our partners aren't perfect and the question does work both ways !
Maybe they didn't tell us about their drinking or drug addiction at the extreme or they don't like sex that much and so on, none of us are perfect and no relationship is perfect !
/QUOTE]
OK, so what you describe is on them. I get that. Now tell me, how would YOU feel? Also, the past drug and alcohol thing is PAST. Does it effect your life NOW? If they are closet drinkers or druggies, they should tell you because it effects your life NOW (Health, emotions, money, family) but really if they did it before you met and quit (and assuming no health risks carried along) it should no effect your marriage. They don't like sex? I would think you would figure that out early in the relationship.
So what you are comparing dressing too, especially people here on these boards, is apples and oranges. Would you be so petty though if your SO Used to drink but doesn't in excess NOW? So I will buy this scenario...You don't dress anymore but you did before you me... in that case you don't need to tell as long as you don't ever ever do it again.
If you are doing something that WILL hurt your SO physically or emotionally, and that includes betraying her trust, you deserve what you get back. I would never ever wish upon anyone here that feeling of broken trust. It hurts and it hurts badly and it hurts a LONG time. I have been there. OK I just wasted my time because those who get it, get it. Those who think they can get away with it, will get it the hard way later
In an ideal world it probably is best to tell before entering a relationship, but I understand why people don't and it's easier said than done. Many will think, why would I risk telling someone I've only just started a relationship with. What if they tell others and I risk ridicule and abuse?
Not all wives/partners feel betrayed. I told my wife only five weeks ago that I've been dressing for 1.5 years. After the initial shock, she's quickly accepted that this is part of me and is getting more accepting all the time. Today we even went clothes shopping!
(Usual caveat to those in the closet - only you can decide if revealing is right for you - you live with the consequences - good or bad.)
If entering a relationship you should be honest about who you are.
You owe your prospective partner that much. If they can't deal with that part of you let them go.
I can only respond from the point of pre- marriage: I told my wife-to-be a good year before we married. I knew it was necessary, even though she was tremendously understanding.
Since we married, over 25 year ago, we have had a few spells where she was convinced i was going to transition and leave her. because she would not want to be with me if i transitioned, I will not do so. I'd rather have my wife, than be female.
But make no mistake- you need to come clean right now, or as soon as practical. And if you were misleading your spouse, get ready for a few years of making it up to her. Or simply end it, and take the blame.
But you have to confide in your best friend, period.
I have communicated with all of my ex''s, however on my last wife, I told her first and it was alright. But I did not dress when I had the ranch as it was not very possible at that time. But when we divorced, she told everyone. So, sometimes I think that's why some do not tell their partners right away for fear of that. I never tried to keep it a secret with my ex's, however I did not want it to get out. It did get out and well, my family is not talking to me to this very day. Be very careful who you disclose it to.
It is always best to be honest entering a relationship - and if you crossdress, it is best to let the other person know.
But many enter a relationship not believing or understanding they are really crossdressers because they only had a fetish or experimented a few times wearing pantyhose. Many believe they will no longer continue to crossdress after they are in their relationship- they believe crossdressing can controlled. Some enter serious relationships having never crossdressed before. Many enter relationships when they are in environments such as college or the military, and do not have the freedom or desire to dress, and believe past crossdressing days are over for good. Many have simply tried on panties or a bra in their past, and never realized they would have the desire and need to progress years later to heels, wigs and make up. Often, there is nothing to hide from a prospective partner, until you discover, or rediscover, that you are indeed a crossdresser and must dress. How much do you tell a prospective partner about things in your past that you believe are only learning experiences, or one-time mistakes, or a phase you passed through? And how can you tell them about future desires you may not know about yet?
Maybe some of us should just come out of the closet and CD all of the time before meeting any future GF/wife. My ex turned out to be a pathological liar. She didn't tell me that before we got married and never admitted it even to this day.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dana44
Lorileah,
If you're going to quote , please take it in context of the whole answer.
My point was we have to give and take, sometimes I get the impression that as CDers we have to keep giving because we are the guilty party. My wife doesn't drink excessively or do drugs but she wasn't straight with me on other aspects even before I came out to her about my CDing. I see her strengths and the things that have kept our marriage together and she came to see the strengths in me beside my CDing when we nearly separated . It may not be an ideal relationship but it is working.
In a perfect world, things can seem easy to figure out. But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in one where our chances of finding a mate are slim to none. There simply aren't enough CD friendly women to go around. You'll find quite a number on these boards, and the guys who have them are ready to yell to the rooftops about how lucky they are, how wonderful those ladies are. But the other side of the coin, are those of us who weren't so lucky, and our GF/wives left us specifically due to the crossdressing. My own ex told our therapist that has she known about my having been a crossdresser before we married, she never would have married me. And that seems to be a pretty common response. There simply aren't a lot of women who can tolerate us as mates. It's not their fault; they don't get to choose what turns them on, or turns them off. We cannot demand that they find us sexy. Life doesn't work that way. Which sets up the dilemma; what can we do? Doom ourselves to a lifetime of solitude? Because that's what faces most single crossdressers. Are we to just accept that we will have no one, and be all alone for the rest of our lives? Or wind up paying prostitutes, call girls, dancers for companionship? For something we didn't have (well, most of us didn't choose this life) any choice in? That's the problem we're faced with. Women, and those men here who have accepting or even tolerating mates are quick to insist that we all speak up, telling the world that we are crossdressers, and live with whatever happens. Yet, that will leave millions of us all alone. I don't know what the right thing to do is; but I know I've been punished enough in my life that I don't feel it right that I should have to accept being an unwanted person for the rest of it. There is one thing that keeps coming up; the fact that no one tells their mate everything. It would be impossible; to go into detail about every minute thing we ever did. So, we leave out that which we feel is unimportant. The conflict becomes what we decide to tell, and what the person we're telling decides should be told. Many people leave things out, that they feel are in the past, and might upset their mate. Crossdressing is often in this class of information. How much do we have to crossdress before it becomes something we must tell? Once? Twice? Once a week when we were in puberty for sexual kicks, and then didn't do it again? Women are also upset about other things; reading Playboy or watching pornography, for example. Do we tell them that we enjoy that? Has anyone ever seen the video two girls one cup? Or cleangirls? Both are very much behaviors that nearly all women find disgusting. So if we only saw them once, do we have to tell that? It becomes a huge issue, and is not easily decided. Consider: A couple has been married for 30 years. The wife meets one of her husband's old girlfriends, who confesses that she had an affair with the husband 28 years ago, after he was already married. The wife now realizes her so called faithful husband was never faithful; and becomes so upset that he 'isn't the man she thought she married'. And files for divorce. Yet, for 30 years she was very happy. He WAS the same man he always was. Only her perception of him had changed. Consider another couple; they are married and together for ten years. She had been raped as a teenager, but has managed to put it behind her, and although it comes up in her thoughts sometimes during sex, she decides not to tell him, because she knows how his strict upbringing will make her seem 'unpure', and she would certainly lose him. Does she tell him, knowing it will doom the relationship, even though it wasn't her fault? Or keep quiet, and not make him have to deal with something that doesn't change who SHE is? Remember, it's not a perfect world. So you have to decide what you want to do. BE aware that there is no turning back. Don't let idealism destroy your life, don't be a martyr 'to the cause', unless you want to be celibate for the rest of your life. Test the waters carefully, before deciding to tell your wife everything. If things seem ok, perhaps first admit that you USED to crossdress, perhaps at halloween when you can pick out some type of female costume, and claim you just want to try it again. If you get a positive response, then maybe take it further.
I left out a lot about my life, and how my ex wife treated me. If you're interested in more about how being in the closet during a marriage can become a problem read the posts indicated in my signature below.
Very well said Sometimes_miss.....
Sometimes Miss, lot said there, and I agree, that for me, and you, and other single CDers, there is little or no hope of being in a relationship, because of the dressing. I have told quite a few unmarried GGs about it, and ALL of them were repulsed, but, it is best to let them know, before in the water too deep.
There is no relationship where both parties have completely revealed their innermost thoughts to each other. There are simply too many thoughts and too little time.
Also, there are situations where CDing is not even a factor until the relationship has existed for years. "Late Bloomers" aren't a myth.
Relationships that do fall apart in this case seldom do so due to crossdressing exclusively. There always seem to be other factors that have put things on edge. The crossdressing is just a convenient excuse to set the breakup in motion while saving face for the wife.
An absurd example: "It's not my fault that I drink, do drugs, and see other men indiscriminately. I'm leaving him because he's a crossdresser!
Any mature relationship recognizes that both parties evolve and change with time. If it is a good, committed, relationship, it will likely weather the storm of one party being a crossdresser, just as it would weather the storm of one party becoming ill or having some other life-changing occurrence.
Now, for those who are actively CDing before the relationship starts, I recommend full disclosure. CDing is an important, integral part of your life and concealing that would obviously be deceitful.
How the reveal is done is the delicate part and, unfortuntately, I have no recommendations.
I told my wife about three weeks into dating with the premise of "you have to promise not to tell anyone".
Well about a month later her best friend asked me when does she "get to meet Jennifer". I was a bit floored and I think her friend did it to create a little drama.
I felt I had been very honest and trustworthy and she had betrayed me. I really considered breaking up with her. But then I had to stop and think about how she had been very accepting and was already actively participating in my dressing.
We cleared the air and she just needed to discuss it with someone because she was confused. And 10 years later I'm glad I stuck around.
I think the general opinions are going to say one should tell their fiancees and spouses anything he or she feels is material to a relationship. Before marriage there should be some discussions about having kids, where to live, etc. I think when you're that far into the relationship you should have told her about the cross dressing. Whether or not you blurt is out is another thing. Getting drunk one night and pulling your stash out is not really the way to a reveal. You should know her well enough to gauge whether or not she would be receptive to cross dressing. Does she dislike gays, lesbians, transgenders, ethnic groups, etc? Is there any logic to her disapproval of others? If you expect she is going to go "nuts" and destroy you, then I'd say chalk it up and don't reveal and move on. You really do not know whether or not she will keep the "secret" or out you to the world.
Then there are those who are married. Forget whether or not a reveal should have been made. That's water under the bridge. What will happen if you tell her? Again, I hope you would not have married a woman who dislikes others for being who they are. Tell her and well, the outcome may not be pleasant. Many times the woman has known her husband long enough to be able to judge who he really is and get over the "Why did you not tell me before we married?" That question seems to be instinctive. If you're married and want to tell her, do it before kids come along. Child support can go on for a very long time.
I'm not going to tell anyone to run out and follow some of the advice given here...."Tell her." The advice you get here is worth exactly what you pay for it.
So I kinda get the vibe of "I will never find someone to have sex with that I can trust with my innermost secrets, thus it is easier to ask forgiveness instead of permission and in the long run I will at least be getting sex sometimes. I mean she has secrets like who was that guy she dated 3 years before I met her and she probably had sex with her college roommate, right? So I don't trust her, she shouldn't trust me. So what about the plan in life she has built up in her mind? The white picket fence, 2.3 kids and the golden retriever? She has all the information she needs to be happy. After all, what I do when she isn't around shouldn't bother her. It is none of her business as long as I bring home money. Why should she know? I don't want her to lose faith in me because of this. And if she finds out later, after 2.3 kids and a mortgage, so what? She can't go anywhere after that because she won't find anyone. Yeah, I'll keep this quiet, we'll have sex, we'll (she) will make plans for when we grow old...It doesn't matter." and then strangely when it comes out it does matter.
She sees her world crumbling around her. What will she do now? OMG, he's gay! Who knows what he has brought home? And my clothes...the clothes I wear to excite him...it wasn't me that excited him, it was my panties. He doesn't need me. OH no! what if he wants to be a woman? I can't have that with my parents, they will think he's crazy. When we were making love, was it me he wanted? Or was it something else? I don't turn him on! Oh and those nights he said he was working late...he was probably flouncing at that gay bar and kissing men and...how can I trust him ever again?
Not telling before marriage is selfish. I have said it before. YOU ARE SELFISH. You don't care about the SOs feelings or believe she mature enough(smart enough?) to make up her own mind. Meh, it's like buying a car, you don't need to know the accident happened. After all the frame is almost straight.
Those of you who are married and have been, I wish you all the luck in the world because the longer you are with someone the deeper the cut when you feel betrayed.
It takes a long time to built trust and seconds to destroy it and a lifetime to start rebuilding it
Lorileah, it all depends, it all depends.
My wife discovered I had a fondness for feminine attire within the first year of marriage. It was bedroom play. Don a floor length nylon nightgown and add some stockings and a garter belt and it was adventurous bedroom play. My wife thought nothing of it. It did not happen all the time. There were a few shopping trips together. I suppose my desire for lingerie had its roots as a teenager with my mother's slips. I loved nylon. When we were dating those distance years did not even enter my mind. My wife had her skeletons in her closet too. She unloaded them on me one evening before marriage, and, I said "Wow!" I'm going to marry this girl? I really had to think about it. I took the plunge. When my desire for lingerie evolved into wanting more my wife was totally turned off by it. "Why would a man want to wear a bra if he has nothing to pack into it?" Good question. And, I still cannot give her an answer. What she told me further floored me. She said she wished she had never told me of the skeletons in her closet because it would have made it easy for her to just walk away from the marriage. So, I accepted her, and, I'll tell you the things that put our marriage in peril over these decades has not been cross dressing. It's been her skeletons that I fully accepted and took a gamble. Fortunately, our bond was strong enough and has evolved stronger to weather my cross dressing (DADT) and her skeletons (DADT).
Then my wife discovered my other skeletons. Not the cross dressing kind. As she stood next to a physician and a nurse at an emergency room in a VA hospital she saw her husband in a meltdown spilling his guts about guys spilling their guts from booby traps. Pulsating blood all over as people are enveloped in fire. She told the physician, 'We've been married over thirty years. This is the first time I've ever heard any of this!" I think that may topped any revelation about cross dressing.
Sometimes there is never a really good time to reveal a secret. It just happens. You can only hope a person understands and is not judgmental.
There is always risk vs rewards. I told several girlfriends when I was dating back in the olden days. Thank goodness they didn't blab when we broke up... Had any of them yapped off to the world then I would have a negative story to tell right now but I don't. If you decide to tell and everything goes well then you will be on the pro bandwagon to say come out, come out of the tree and tell your SO. I will admit its so much harder to come out once you are in the marriage!
Personally I would rather live alone than live with a lie but thats me and I'm not a therapist.
For any of you that haven't gone to the alter yet, please, please I say you should tell because after you take your vows and later you decide to tell it can be like having your own court trial and you have no choice but to enter a guilty plea. Then you are told to place your right hand on the bible and the commissioner says tell the truth or so help you God and even the atheist will start to ask the Universe for help.
Don't put yourself in a potentially bad position that could happen later on
Growing up from age 14 to 19 in my neighborhood were 5 girls and 8 guys we would hang out in my mothers house and sometimes the guys would dress in girls clothes and the girls help.
I'm not sure now 30 years later if any of them still CD, kind of lost touch.
Well when I started dating my wife some of my friends told her about me dressing up as a girl. I think she thought it was a joke or at least hoped it was.
I tried telling her over the years but I could see she didn't like were the conversation was going and I would back off.
A few months ago I tried to lead the conversation into telling her I like, OK I LOVE to CD but I ended up dropping the subject wen she said she felt like she got hit buy a BUS.
Why is it always a BUS? Why not a train or truck? Well I'm still in the closet.
I'm more weirded out by it than the the GF is. She says its fun to dress me up,but really the only timeI did it in front of her was when I was drinking. I don't drink anymore.
We all have our own fears and desires, the individual must decide what is the correct thing to do. In a perfect world we would be accepted for who we are not what we look like but this is NOT a perfect world so instinct has to guide us.
Molly
Well, I do take huge offense to being called "selfish." Crossdressing, being transgendered, all of this part of life, I did not choose. I live it, it is psychologically important and necessary for me to express a feminine side, it is what it is. This, in itself, certainly not "selfish," any more than say preferring to drink coffee over tea.
Many CD's and TG's really and truly believe that marriage will "cure" them. Once I am married, I will no longer feel the need to express myself in these ways...
Many CD's figure it is simply not important enough to reveal, its just a hobby, not hurting anyone, no big deal... why tell something unnecessary to tell?
Many CD's simply get caught up in the "when." It is about fear, about how to go about it. These are powerful and deeply felt emotional thoughts. It is "hard" to admit or share something that often has been a deep buried secret for most of ones life.
None of the above things seem peculiarly selfish...
If you somehow have overridden all of the above, Know exactly what to say, when to say it, how to say it, and know in your heart that marriage will not "cure" you, and...
really believe that crossdressing, even being transgendered, IS something so life altering that it will effect every aspect of the rest of your life and that of your family, then by all means come clean directly.
But if there is some nagging doubt about how serious, how awful, how completely game changing for all involved having a feminine side to express is, then the question remains open whether to tell anyone or not. Selfish? I don't think so...
so only one here remotely qualified for relationship counseling is possibly the OP :D
as for the premise of being open in the beginning....if i had to do it all again would i do it differently, yeaa,
but like i always tell the boy their is no reset button for life.:eek:
are their things i regret ive done :devil: again yeaa, and not all of them concern crossdressing (still have spellcheck for this word) weird right, but transgender is recognized....???
anyway,
i have to live with the consequences of my regrets and dont need judgement from the outside, have had a pretty good handle on doing it for myself thanks. :Angry3:
for those without regrets you may now get back to your previously scheduled perfect world, sorry for the interruption.....please recycle your rose colored glasses in the receptacle bins provided upon your exit of the theater....
my search also turned up "cheating" , then i added crossdressing and got mixed results, large section for our site....
Not necessarily! Single women don't seem to get "headaches" nearly as often as wives!Quote:
They don't like sex? I would think you would figure that out early in the relationship.
My wife never dressed to excite me. And any lingerie I bought her got buried in the bottom of her lingerie drawer, never to be seen again.Quote:
And my clothes...the clothes I wear to excite him...it wasn't me that excited him, it was my panties.
Me: What happened to that black teddie I got you for Christmas?
Her: I've got it!
Me: How come you never wear it?
Her: Why does it always have to be a big deal? Can't we just get in bed and "do it"!
I think yelling out personal attacks on people is not helpful and may cause a lot of anxiety to some who may already be not in a good state of mind. I think telling before marriage is the best thing to do, especially in this day of age where we have so much information. I am as you call one of the SELFISH ones who caused lots of hurt to my ex wife, I have to live with that for the rest of my life. All I can tell you is that it was never my intention to hurt someone I loved and I didn't get married just that I can have regular sex.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
Lorileah - You continue to offer the same, absolute, one-size-fits-all, guilt trip which is rather judgmental. Many honestly do not know or recognize they are, in fact, crossdressers when they begin relationships when young. Many don't know their youthful crossdressing experiences will continue, or that a simple fetish is much more powerful than they realize. Some think regular marital sex will eliminate the excitement provided by randomly wearing panties alone in a dorm room. Some get married very young, and have never had the freedom to confirm that they are crossdressers because they are in school or the military. And there are other circumstances where religious beliefs, customs, economics, communications skills, lack of self-confidence, living arrangements or medical conditions provide serious influences which limit the ability to openly confide secrets, specifically a crossdressing history or interest, to a prospective spouse. It is not always selfishness as you assert. It is often ignorance, or naivety, or innocence or weakness which prevents disclosure, not simply selfishness.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
And once the secret begins, it is often difficult and painful to admit to your partner that you crossdress. It is not simple if your spouse or partner has strong religious beliefs, or deep anxieties, or some degree of mental illness. I did not crossdress during my first marriage but if I did, I would not have been able to tell my ex-wife because of her extreme views and beliefs, her lack of understanding and empathy, and her own abrasive personality. Disclosure would have had immediate catastrophic and painful results. It would have been better to risk discovery than tell my ex-wife if I wanted to crossdress, or that I did crossdress.
I am not trying to stick up for those who knew they were crossdressers and should have told their prospective partners early in their relationships, or for those who hide their crossdressing and know they have caring spouses whom they should disclose their secret behavior to. I am not suggesting that openness and honesty are not the basis of sound and loving relationships. Or that we should not disclose and share important personal beliefs, feelings and behaviors with our spouses and partners. But people are not like cars and it is difficult to recognize previous accidents in life if one is not an experienced mechanic. It is not simply selfishness which prevents important disclosures to loved ones. I am much more sympathetic to those of us who do care about their spouses and families and who believe it is in the best interests of their loved ones not to tell them, and who crossdress alone in secrecy.