Telling your SO - another perspective

I've crossdressed pretty much all of my life but then due to other things happening in my life I stopped. Then I met my wife and after a break of around 15 years give or take the need to dress started again. However, as I wasn't dressing when we met I didn't tell her (I guess a similar situation to others on here). Obviously the need to dress has increased and again like others the guilt of not telling your SO becomes quite overwhelming and in the end I did tell her. There were several reasons for this. Firstly as mentioned, the guilt. Second, the stash and the amount of clothing was increasing. Third, I've made friends with others and going out has become something I'd like to do more of. Fourth, pressure from those CD friends (not directly as they have been great and very supportive in any decision I've made) but pressure put on by me due to the changes my friends have made in their lives.
So, I made the decision to tell my wife and possibly risk everything I have (and I adore my wife and family more than anything else in my life). To cut a long story short, this was done in a letter that I read out to her, telling her exactly what I did, what I wear, how I have been out with others and answering some of the obvious questions - no I'm not gay, no I don't want a sex change, etc etc.

The initial conversation went well (in fact a little too well) and we even laughed and joked about a few things. However, after sleeping on it and in the cold light of day my wife is obviously not happy with the situation and doesn't want to talk about it (although she knows the option is always there to discuss if she likes). Thankfully it hasn't had an effect on our marriage and it's something that's just 'not talked about'. She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk about it still (four months on) and in fact she has indicated she probably would have been happy not knowing as she thought we had a 'normal' relationship. I do get to go out when personal commitments allow but I change away from the house and change before I get back. I don't do half measures. If I dress, I dress fully, makeup, the lot!

So the reason for this tread. Two fold really.
Firstly my wife said had she known about this when we met we probably wouldn't have ended up staying together. This although quite hurtful to hear at the time was completely understandable. Thankfully we are a solid couple and hope that anything that came in our way as a couple and family could be sorted out. It also means I made the right decision for my relationship by not mentioning it and anyone saying you've been misleading to her, it's been unfair etc etc, does NOT understand my relationship. You can't, your aren't me or my wife which leads me on to my second point.

Point two. There is no right and wrong in when or even if you tell your SO. Anyone who is demonised for not being straight up front is just wrong. Having someone to talk to on a forum is all very well and good and we all have our own views. However, someone who is sat behind a computer on the other side of the world can't possibly know you, or your SO, or your relationship, so how can they possibly provide advice on how to do things? No two couples in a relationship are the same!

Lastly, I owe a lot to the friends I've met on here as we now chat on a regular basis and meet up when we can. They aren't judgemental and are a great support in what ever decision I make!

I found your points most interesting as I had just posted (on another thread) that I was no longer convinced it was always wise to let your wife know your secret.

As you say, there is no right and wrong way, and, I suspect for most of us who do finally tell our SO, the result is a definite feeling of unease in the relationship.

Yes Stephanie, I read your reply. Interestingly at the time the only thing she was really upset about was the fact I didn't tell her, not that I'd been doing it behind her back as she could understand the reasons why.

Nice one AnnaMarie! :)

(Glad to hear you're still married and still going out even if the dread DADT appears again...)

Those who know me know I haven't revealed and know I never will... My own peak of activity over 2014/15 seems to have subsided and now I find myself wondering if that feeling will rekindle - hard to say right now (I might be tempted for an autumnal outing - let's wait and see... :)) as right now there's just no sign of the feeling returning. Imagine if you have a bad reveal, SO kicks you to the kerb and then the feeling goes away...?

You're right that everyone has to make their own decision - but thank you for posting another non-reveal positive to help support those who decide not to come out... I'm sure it helps those of us who remain secretive feel much less demonic than usual... :devil:

Katey x

Thanks Katie, I do think there are two sides to everything and what is right for some isn't for others. Interesting that your peak of activity seems to have gone away. I'm up and down with my dressing all the time. I can go for weeks without wanting to dress then all of a sudden wake up one morning and bang, the feeling is back. No explanation for it. Saying that, this year has seen more dressing activity than ever. Of course when I don't want to dress I do wonder if the want and need will return. It always does!

As a person who took the risk and told, after years of guilt and lying and hiding and all that, all I can say is damn right!

I've witnessed (and been the recipient of) too may "tell tell tell" pile-ons on this forum. Telling is a double edged sword. It can be the best thing you ever did, or it can be the mistake that blows up your life for no good reason. To presume that some well meaning stranger on the internet can know enough about your life and circumstances to really tell you what the right thing to do is ... well ... it aint a good idea.

All any of us can do here is share from the perspective of our own experiences.

Speaking for myself ... there have for sure been ups and downs since telling. On balance the highs well outweigh the lows, and in a lot of ways it was the best thing I ever did. But on the other hand, it has complicated my life in ways that are pretty tough to deal with and sometimes it feels like a living hell ... still, living in the closet was also living in a different sort of hell.

By the time I told, I was darn sure that regardless of the outcome, this was the only decision I could live with. Nobody else can get to that point for you, and nobody else has to live with the results but you and your family.

If closet haters be hatin' pay them bitches no nevermind.
They don't gotta walk in your heels, girl! :-)

Hi AnnaMarie,

Firstly, well done for a really well written post on a subject that will forever be debated. My story is very very similar to yours except that I currently haven't ventured beyond the front (or hotel) door en femme but I can very much relate to the guilt / shame & feeling that my stash was at some point going to be unmanageable if trying to keep it hidden from my wife. When I got married, I hadn't dressed or even thought about it for over 20 years but then the urge returned a year after marriage like a runaway train that just couldn't be stopped. Rather like Amy has posted, I am relieved that I told my wife but it hasn't made life all that much easier although at least I was able to release the pressure that was building up inside of me. However, in no way would I say this is necessarily the right or indeed proper thing to do for everyone because we are all different. I took a chance because I felt we were strong enough as a couple to cope with it based upon how much we love each other - our love is still very very strong but I now feel very guilty that my wife has a secret she probably feels she cannot talk to anyone about except me & she doesn't want to talk to me about it because she hates the thought of me dressing & simply cannot understand why I would want to (I wish I could explain it to myself!). So, what works for one isn't always going to work for others & I'd hope that those who choose to bottle up their dressing are left to make their own decisions based upon their own unique circumstances rather than be demonised or directed by others.

Molly.

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

...she thought we had a 'normal' relationship.

...someone on the other side of the world can't possibly know you, or your SO, or your relationship, so how can they possibly provide advice on how to do things? No two couples in a relationship are the same!

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What she thought of as normal, ie the relationship as she experienced it, hasn't changed. Only her perspective has changed. Everything you've experienced together - it's all fact, history, the past. Nothing can ever undo any of those experiences, any more than her suddenly telling you she has a twin. It's a new event, but it doesn't mean your history is somehow different, or less valid. If she told you she's started gambling and your kids' college fund is all gone, that would be a betrayal, but it still wouldn't invalidate all your years together.

You're here to seek answers, as well as to hang out with like-minded folks, and surely it goes without saying that you're not going to agree automatically with everything you read? Like many, I believe in getting ahead of potential disaster, and with over 50 years of experience I'm inclined to be truthful, and so I made the decision to tell my wife about my crossdressing. We're still together, in a gentle kind of DADT way. I'd advise you in principle to be honest with your SO, but of course every case is different. My opinions are entirely valid, as are those of somebody advising you not to tell. But the decision is yours. I don't think anybody here would really pretend otherwise.

If a young CDer would ask my opinion on telling, I would always say yes. We better serve ourselves from telling. I mean, in the end, typically you get to dress MORE often than before, as now there is not the dreaded sneaking around. BUT- someone who has been married for decades, and they are not at some crossroads, feel they need to do more, be more, transition etc etc. At that point, I am not going to give the auto tell answer. Not that it is ever wrong to tell the truth, but, after that much time and life has gone on, does someone need to fix something that is essentially not really broken? The only thing is that the person who hasn't told after so long will still be under the same risks as they have always been. That is a choice they have been making for many many years.

I agree, there isn't any specific right or wrong ways, although there are better or worse ways depending on the individual the CDer is with and what the CDer is looking for.

Annamarie, congratulations, as you have found yourself in what I believe is the most common situation of a CDer who reveals after the relationship evolves into a lifetime commitment. A semi DADT. The wife loves us enough not to leave, but doesn't "like it" feel in any way comfortable with it most or all of the time. May likely have some insecurities about its direction in the future. She doesn't like to see her man in woman's clothing, or with make up and any other forms of feminine expression. They do tolerate it as they love us. May even do things for us. One day, she may feel a bit more comfortable, but not ever truly choose it. Or maybe not.

Ask a certain question on here, (ever kissed a man) and you will get a lot of replies in the yes column. Enough to make you think you are in a serious minority if you haven't. Or of wives who participate, and you get enough replies that makes you think your wife is a non accepting immovable rock with it all. But then ask the reverse questions, (which you rarely see) and you will probably get even more replies in the yes column. So congrats on finding the most common situation we CDers find ourselves in. It is far better than before, even if it isn't exactly what we dream of, but we need to remember what it was like before the reveal.

Some excellent points have been raised here, and not only is AnnaMarie's cri de coeur one that strikes close to home for many of us, I was particularly impressed by the responses and additional insights offered here so far by Amy, Molly, Nikki, and gendermutt.

Those of you here who occasionally follow my posts already know that my wife and I have been in an uneasy DADT relationship over my crossdressing for 40 of our 45 years of married life so far. While her stance has softened somewhat over the last 10 years or so, it still continues to be a major elephant in the room which casts a continuous pall over our relationship, and there is no doubt that despite the fundamental love that we still feel for each other, part of the collateral damage has been a permanent loss of intimacy in certain respects. That, and the underlying resentment on both our parts that we are each living a lie in our own particular way because there are some things that we simply cannot discuss freely with each other because of all the negative feelings that evokes...something that other couples don't ever have to deal with as they can be totally open and honest with each other at all times.

But there are also two other issues related to this subject that I haven't seen adequately addressed here yet, namely:

(1) The age bracket (demographics) of the couples involved and the cultural/historical context surrounding the initial reveal;

and

(2) Not just the reveal, but also how it was presented and managed

I'll provide my own spin (and experience) surrounding this aspect, and will let others chime in as they see fit. But first...full disclosure:

I just turned 68 and will have been married for 45 years this coming autumn. We have 2 married adult children who know (but it is never discussed), along with 3 grandchildren. This makes my wife and I card-carrying "Boomers" who came of age during the "Mad Men" era along with all the baggage that entails - very rigidly defined gender roles and expectations, a societally-ingrained belief that homosexuality was a disgusting perversion, and as for crossdressers (or "transvestites" as we were called back then, with all of the negative, fetishistic connotations that label entails), well, the world saw us as being an even lower form of life than the aforesaid homosexuals. No wonder that we were so deep inside the closet that we probably wouldn't have confessed to our deep, dark secret even under torture, and why we would have withheld that information from our intended for fear of irrevocably blowing up our burgeoning relationships.

Besides, like many of our era who were bumbling along without the benefit of today's internet and all the information to be found there now, we thought that we were the only ones in the world with these strange desires, that as a result we were disgusting people, but more importantly - many of us also thought that this was just a passing fancy and that marriage and a regular sex life would "cure" us - NOT! What I am driving a here is that I - and especially my wife - were products of our time in how we initially viewed this whole "crossdressing thing".

I am happy to say that over the intervening years I have finally come to fully accept this part of myself, knowing now that it will never go away. More importantly, I have also come to embrace it as something that makes me highly unique in a good way (at least to me, anyway), and gives me a broader, more balanced perspective on the gender divide than is typical, and one that is beyond most "vanilla" peoples' comprehension.

As for my wife, well, she is still stuck in a 1960's time warp, and has been so irretrievably socialized in terms of what she considers to be "normal" (and acceptable) male and female gender roles that no amount of exposure to the current media love affair with all things transgender-related including Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and all of the awards and accolades that they have had bestowed upon them lately will make even the lightest dent in her perception of this whole crossdressing/transgender thing. That, and notwithstanding the growing trend to not only normalize but actually embrace it as part of the overall "celebrating diversity" umbrella that is all the rage these days. And so, DADT it is, and DADT it will stay albeit with a less acrimonious flavor attached to it nowadays.

As for Item (2), well, in my case I put out some feelers to my wife early on in our marriage (and before the children came along) about maybe trying on a few of her clothes some time "just for the fun of it". Needless to say, that idea immediately fell with a dull thud. Then some time later, she accidentally came across a pair of heels in my size that I foolishly thought were well-hidden, and the excrement duly hit the ventilator.

But the BIG reveal - when it finally did happen was both unexpected and traumatic, and occurred while our first-born was still a toddler. I was in our basement trying out a new pair of heels that I had just purchased when out of the blue my wife appeared at the foot of the stairs, only to promptly faint and collapse on the floor when she saw me. And at that moment - as if I needed any further convincing - it became crystal clear to me that having an accepting wife with regards to my crossdressing was simply not in the cards for me...not now, not ever.

I and others in my age bracket can only envy the younger gurls here who - along with their spouses and/or SO's - came of age in more enlightened, internet-enabled, and LGBT-friendly times where rigid gender roles were becoming increasingly blurry. At least you have a fighting chance that your better halves will not be as totally grossed out by a crossdressing partner as the women of our generation tend to be, even if other aspects of a planned reveal are still fraught with a degree of uncertainty as to the ultimate outcome.

Leslie: All I can say is, "Here, here" (as in the toast).

You've saved me from writing a very long post. BTW, I'm 63 and my wife is 67. I also got caught, but I managed to hide it a lot longer than you did.

I made a decision to live my life and accept the consequences. I go out fully dressed a couple time a month and I have way more T friends than cis friends.

well said...circumstance does get in the way...I am a proponent of telling but we all have a different path

Anna Marie, you're not alone. In my case my wife found my clothes, but when we first got together it was at a point where the need to CD was as strong.When we first talked she said the hardest part was that I kept it a secret, but as time went on she expressed she wish she had need mentioned finding the clothes. Our marriage is still strong, but it does bother her so we never bring it up. One sign of progress, during a recent argument she started to bring up that it bothers her, and cut herself off saying "I don't want to make this about that." It showed me she wouldn't blame everything on cross dressing.

While the marriage is still strong, I'm guessing had she known this about me before she probably would not have wanted to be involved in the relationship. While I am the same person, I can see it as completely valid that this changes her perception of who I am. I'm in my early fifties and she's in her mid forties. I hope younger generations don't have the same problem as CD/TG/TS etc., is a lot more out in the open now and less of a taboo subject.

Thank you for this thread.

The only person I've ever told about who I really am is my current SO.
She has been and still is totally accepting so I'm a lucky girl .....ain't I?
What she has said which has made me think very deeply about many things related to my dressing, is that she finds my femme alter-ego, christina, a far nicer person to be with than my male everyday self.
I suspect this may have to do with the reality of having to hide my femme side from the world makes me a more frustrated and therefore angrier person to deal with.
Does telling alleviate the frustration, guilt and anger?...does dancing out of the closet trip the light fantastic in the brain and wave a magic wand to put all to rights?
I doubt it , but in my case, I love Jax more each and every day for accepting for who I truly am, for encouraging me to dress whenever I want,
( whether chilling in a sloppy Joe top and jeans or 5" heels, makeup, hair and heels tart)....did I do the right thing in telling her...?
"hell YES!"
But hey I'm not you and you ain't me....chacun a son gout.
One does what feels right....I just got lucky xx

Hi Anna, you and those who have responded make a lot of good points.

I have a genuine question for you. Do you regret telling her? For me, what really triggered my need to come clean with my wife was the thought of living a lie for the rest of my life. Before my big reveal, I would have accepted the situation you are in as better then continuing to live the lie. Do you feel the same? Is DADT better then hiding?

Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.

I came out to my wife while we were dating. Fortunately, she accepted and supported my activity for the 40 years that we were married. Sadly. she passed two years ago. It had been a secret between the two of us, but since her death I've become more open to others about crossdressing. I've started to do a little dating again and have made it a point of letting my lady friends know after four or five dates about my crossdressing. It didn't hurt the relationship.

I didn't tell her of my desire to crossdress when we were first married. Maybe I should have owned up to it before we were wed. I feared the worst since she was very religiously conservative. When she discovered my need to dress, the reaction was one of disgust. After many discussions about my needs, she finally relented to allow me free time to dress in private, as long as she didn't see me dressed. I have been careful to honor her wishes for the past 40 some years.

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Originally Posted by sarah7391

Hi Anna, you and those who have responded make a lot of good points.

I have a genuine question for you. Do you regret telling her? For me, what really triggered my need to come clean with my wife was the thought of living a lie for the rest of my life. Before my big reveal, I would have accepted the situation you are in as better then continuing to live the lie. Do you feel the same? Is DADT better then hiding?

Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.

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Do I regret telling her?
Yes and no I guess. Yes, because the first several weeks were hard not just for my wife but for me also (and yes I know that's selfish). Yes because when I get a dressing 'low' I always think why did I need to say anything (the lows are few and far between though). Yes because I know her perception of me has probably changed and I don't like that. No because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to go out, I'd feel guilty every time I dressed and no because she's my wife, I love her without question and she has a right to know.

I guess also that you are partly (if indirectly) to thank for me feeling pressured in to telling her. When you mentioned you had told your wife I did feel a huge amount of pressure to do the same.

Overall though, yes, I'm glad I've told her!

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

...because she's my wife, I love her without question and she has a right to know...

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So much commentary on how everyone's situation is different but AnnaMarie, you seem to have distilled the essence of commonality.

Anna Marie,


I agree 100%. I see so much in my own situation in your post, right down to the reply your wife and mine have said. I will say that it had been 10 years now since I told my wife, and things have gotten better, not totally allowing jenny time all the time..but better.

I wish the best for you and your wife, I am sure like us, with love in your relationship you will be fine!

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

So much commentary on how everyone's situation is different but AnnaMarie, you seem to have distilled the essence of commonality.

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True Jennifer. I think we all agree our SO's have the right to know, that's what marriage is about. Still there are many varied reasons why we don't tell and the essence of my original post still holds just as true, that although they may have the rights to know, it may not be the right thing to do for many reasons and each individual situation and relationship is unique.

At least your wife knows, and should something horrible happen to you while you are out and your wife finds herself collecting you from a hospital emergency room, she won’t be catching you outright in a lie and she won’t be taken completely by surprise. I’m not debating the merits/pitfalls of a DADT situation, just saying that at least DADT is not outright lying. Still, I have a few thoughts on your post:

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk about it still (four months on) and in fact she has indicated she probably would have been happy not knowing as she thought we had a 'normal' relationship.

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Although I fully respect any understanding established between you and your wife, I do find the above a bit troubling.

All types of issues, problems, and differences of opinion crop up during the course of any marriage and it seems to me that each partner deserves to be respected enough to be heard if the issue is important to the partner. This doesn’t mean that the other partner will automatically agree or be involved in something against their will, but if a dissenting partner knows that something is troubling or important to the other partner, to just say "I don’t want to hear about it or talk about it" seems rather one-sided. If your wife wanted to do something that you disapprove of, would you bury your head in the sand too and just leave her on her own to sort it out, or would you attempt to learn where this was coming from and why your wife felt that way. Would you try to ascertain how important or necessary this was to your wife and if you discovered that it was (and she wasn’t breaking the law), would you take some time to discuss the matter with her, try to understand and learn, spend some time ascertaining why you were against the idea, weigh the issue, and finally let her know what you were able to live with and what was a deal breaker.

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

Firstly my wife said had she known about this when we met we probably wouldn't have ended up staying together. This although quite hurtful to hear at the time was completely understandable.

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Well, hindsight does not always accurately reflect the actual decisions we would have made, given the circumstances at the time. Right now, your wife feels lied to (assuming that you’ve been married for a number of years). But, a GG who is head over heels in new love and about to be married, is often times more open-minded than a wife who discovers after many years that her husband willingly withheld information from her and he is not who she thought he was.

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

I do get to go out when personal commitments allow but I change away from the house and change before I get back. I don't do half measures. If I dress, I dress fully, makeup, the lot!

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Maybe just dressing occasionally is enough for you and this is why you are satisfied with the current status quo. If so, the arrangement you have with your wife is fine. She knows and nothing you do will come as a complete surprise. She will never find out something that you were completely unwilling to tell her about.

Still, would you be happy dressing fully to go out when circumstances permit without having told her, wondering how she would react should she find out by mistake. How would this act on your conscience. She knows now and so it’s easy to say that telling her wasn’t well advised.

Also, how would you feel if your need to crossdress was more advanced than it is now and you actually needed to dress a few times or more per week. Would you be able to not tell. Would you be happy with telling your wife you were working (several times per week … not once in a blue moon), if you were instead sneaking out to go shopping, dine in restaurants, seeing shows, spending time with your CD friends, going to clubs or support groups, etc. Would you be able to construct fake business trips in order to attend TG conventions. How would you hide shaved legs, trimmed eyebrows, a growing wardrobe, makeup, jewelry, etc. How would you hide all these purchases from your shared finances.

The people who do end up telling their wives, do so because it bothers them to keep this a complete secret and because it becomes necessary to tell.

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie

I guess also that you are partly (if indirectly) to thank for me feeling pressured in to telling her. When you mentioned you had told your wife I did feel a huge amount of pressure to do the same.

Overall though, yes, I'm glad I've told her!

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Well that's a relief then! I would hate to have influenced you (albeit indirectly) to tell, for you then to regret it. This is why I always caveat my comments when I respond to a 'should I tell or not thread'.

Yours and my experiences and the different reaction of of our wives, just go to show that no two situations are the same. In many ways we were so similar except perhaps in one. While we were both scared rigid at telling, there was one major difference. When we first discussed this, you said you thought your wife couldn't accept your dressing whereas I thought that it was most likely that my wife would ultimately accept this part of me. Maybe those who are struggling whether or not to tell should trust there gut feel rather than looking for the answer on this forum.

(Usual caveat to those thinking of telling: Only you know what's best for you. Once told, you can't undo it - unless you're married to the girl in 50 First Dates.)

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

If a young CDer would ask my opinion on telling, I would always say yes. We better serve ourselves from telling. I mean, in the end, typically you get to dress MORE often than before, as now there is not the dreaded sneaking around.

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Well, that part is generally true. I certainly did get to dress a whole lot more after the divorce!
But again, it came down to telling all about it, or hoping for some semblence of a normal life. It's pretty clear that there are not a whole lot of women out there hoping to find a crossdresser for a husband.

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Originally Posted by sarah7391

Maybe those who are struggling whether or not to tell should trust there gut feel rather than looking for the answer on this forum.

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The problem is that our gut can be just as stuck in the pink fog as the rest of us. I, too, was so sure that everything would work out fine, that the crossdressing was way overcome by all the good things that I was. But I couldn't have been more wrong. So much for a gut feeling.

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Originally Posted by sarah7391

Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.

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It has been said that hindsight is 20/20 vision. That said, it's impossible to predict the future; there are so many variables. While she perhaps wouldn't give up the children and life that she already has, there are plenty of other women who didn't wind up with those assets who would look back and gladly change how their life might have gone without a crossdressing husband.

Great replies and the OP is on point for sure.
Before I got married I was in denial of the dressing and really didn't do it much while we dated for nearly 3 years. I did not have any understanding about it, no internet to search for info...I was in love.
Since I have figured a lot out about my need to dress through many hours of therapy to get a grasp but not to be cured.
So over the years she has found several clear hints of something going on, a stray clip earring in my car, some left over remnant of eyeliner,many years ago this forum in my computer history repeatedly...Through these discoveries she has asked no questions, just shown me her discoveries. I feel that if she wanted details she would ask. My want to no longer hide needs to be tempered by the possible or likely outcome of taking that path. We have children which need to be considered...Once it is said there is no turning back!
In Psychology Today mag years ago there was an article about spouses finding out secrets their mates had and the burden of them sharing these had on them. 2 were used, a husband being gay and a husband who had embezzled money. The wives said the worse part was the feeling that they now needed to keep and carry those secret too by no choice of their own.
I have never spoke of this to anyone who knows me and I would think my wife would feel the same about not being able to even run this by others for how she should deal with this. If i essentially make this her problem too she has to decide, be a party to it, look the other way but now clearly knowing of it or walk away. Not many good choices there.
My choice is to keep the burden to where it may be at and carry on. This is my tale from my view, put out for others to gain what they may. I have no need for a reply.

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Originally Posted by christinafrance

The only person I've ever told about who I really am is my current SO.
She has been and still is totally accepting so I'm a lucky girl .....ain't I?
What she has said which has made me think very deeply about many things related to my dressing, is that she finds my femme alter-ego, christina, a far nicer person to be with than my male everyday self.
I suspect this may have to do with the reality of having to hide my femme side from the world makes me a more frustrated and therefore angrier person to deal with.
Does telling alleviate the frustration, guilt and anger?...does dancing out of the closet trip the light fantastic in the brain and wave a magic wand to put all to rights?
I doubt it , but in my case, I love Jax more each and every day for accepting for who I truly am, for encouraging me to dress whenever I want,
( whether chilling in a sloppy Joe top and jeans or 5" heels, makeup, hair and heels tart)....did I do the right thing in telling her...?
"hell YES!"
But hey I'm not you and you ain't me....chacun a son gout.
One does what feels right....I just got lucky xx

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Welcome to the forum you VERY lucky girl!! La vie en rose!

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Originally Posted by Amy Fakley

I've witnessed (and been the recipient of) too may "tell tell tell" pile-ons on this forum. Telling is a double edged sword. It can be the best thing you ever did, or it can be the mistake that blows up your life for no good reason.

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It can be a double edged sword, but I have believed for many years, that it is the best overall solution...in the long term. Yes, it can cause blowing up...but it also can prevent future issues.

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To presume that some well meaning stranger on the internet can know enough about your life and circumstances to really tell you what the right thing to do is ... well ... it aint a good idea.

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I would disagree.... to a certain extent. The facets of this very topic have been discussed before, many many times, and for many many years. "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds" isn't something new that just popped out of nowhere. People have been writing about it for decades. In fact I read a book that discusses the various issues around "telling your SO" that was published in 1989. Note that was 27 years ago. Transfolk have been discussing "Our Thing" on the internet and the pre-internet computer networks like Compuserve, Quantumlink, The Sierra boards, Fidonet echoes, USENET, and whatnot since the mid 80's.

And there are "Patterns of Behavior" of "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds". In fact, you could define members here by various archetypes which have long existed on online forums (both pre and post internet) and in physical real world support groups.

As I have said on other occasions: There is very little here that hasn't been discussed before...telling the SO...telling the kids....finding support groups.....whatever. Its been done. And through these discussions we know what solutions have the highest probability of positive outcomes, and can recommend them.

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On balance the highs well outweigh the lows, and in a lot of ways it was the best thing I ever did. But on the other hand, it has complicated my life in ways that are pretty tough to deal with and sometimes it feels like a living hell ... still, living in the closet was also living in a different sort of hell.
By the time I told, I was darn sure that regardless of the outcome, this was the only decision I could live with.

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Which was to be expected, we have seen it all before, and it is why I do recommend telling sooner rather than later as the best overall long term solution with the highest probability of positive future outcomes even with the complications it can bring.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

But there are also two other issues related to this subject that I haven't seen adequately addressed here yet, namely:

(1) The age bracket (demographics) of the couples involved and the cultural/historical context surrounding the initial reveal;

I and others in my age bracket can only envy the younger gurls here who - along with their spouses and/or SO's - came of age in more enlightened, internet-enabled, and LGBT-friendly times where rigid gender roles were becoming increasingly blurry. At least you have a fighting chance that your better halves will not be as totally grossed out by a crossdressing partner as the women of our generation tend to be, even if other aspects of a planned reveal are still fraught with a degree of uncertainty as to the ultimate outcome.

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I'm glad you brought that up. It's why I believe that many of the issues we "currently" see here will become less common in the future. There's just so much information out there now.

For example I was born in 1967 and my dad (born in 1927) said to me when I was in my early 20's I think that he believed that gay and transgendered folk were born that way, it was just common sense. And that they shouldn't be mistreated. I wished he had told me that earlier when I was young...I might have come out to my family sooner. I didn't come out to my family as transgender till I was 26. (and that was more due to my own lack of self acceptance and not trusting my family's love) And when I did tell him, his response was a matter of fact: "So that's why you've been growing your hair."

So even compared to folks like you, my experiences were somewhat better. Heck by the time I was in my 20's, check out clerks became more "matter of fact" when I bought "girl stuff". And by the time I was in my 30's. things were even better...though still not perfect.

Like you, I have a lot of hope for the future.

Veronica

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

But again, it came down to telling all about it, or hoping for some semblence of a normal life. It's pretty clear that there are not a whole lot of women out there hoping to find a crossdresser for a husband.


The problem is that our gut can be just as stuck in the pink fog as the rest of us. I, too, was so sure that everything would work out fine, that the crossdressing was way overcome by all the good things that I was. But I couldn't have been more wrong. So much for a gut feeling.

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However, as a young person, you know nothing about how life or where it will go. Consider 50% of all marriages end in divorce. You, as a younger person, of course feel this is forever, and yet, it isn't. So in reality, you lose some of your life trying to save something that isn't salvageable. Being a crossdresser and hiding it, basically wastes your partner's life too as they think the marriage is something it isn't (really no different than having an affair, you hide something you KNOW your partner may not approve of and you in essence acre making a decision for them instead of letting them make their own. Manipulative and arrogant IMO). So now, after let's say 20 years, they find out. You have wasted that many years of their lives and that many years of yours when they could have been happier with the info in either case. You know you can't get those years back. Life is short too. No one knows when you will eave. So why be miserable? Why, when you suspect they wouldn't like it, would you risk making them miserable and angry when they find out? I know we are self centered. But the hurt of losing trust and faith is a lot worse and lasts a lot longer than having someone come out and tell you the truth early

"So now, after let's say 20 years, they find out. You have wasted that many years of their lives and that many years of yours when they could have been happier with the info in either case."

If those previous 20 years were happy and prosperous as a couple and family, they were definitely not wasted, unless the secret keeper may have been living an uncomfortable life with that secret. I agree about that 50% divorce number in the USA. 20 years can be considered a long term marriage now a days, so that, in general, it must have been good and livable for a large part of that time.

If the truth came out after marriage and the other half could not tolerate it and the marriage failed, would that now free unhappy partner necessarily go right out and find a better partner and be really able to live a better and happier life during those remaining years up to the 20 years in the original case? I think this "set them free" concept is OK, but being free does not necessarily mean better off and happier. It could turn out worse, much worse. Some SO's have stated here that they would have preferred not to know and to go on with that workable good life they had before knowing. How does that figure in here?

Your opinion is that it is manipulative and arrogant. You leave out caring and trying to make the best decision based on what that person knew before and during keeping the secret. Yes, in today's world with so much more news on the trans people, it is improving and getting easier to tell with maybe better chances of staying together after the big reveal. But before, it was definitely different and less successful. I agree that it is better to tell. But based on the OP, the decision is up to the individual, who truly does understand their own situation better than third party others. And, even if we think that we as an individual are pretty knowledgeable about what we see, hear and feel about our own relationship, we never truly know for sure, as can be seen in many of the threads here about the ballistic reactions when the SO found out. Ballistic reactions that here on this site seemed to be accepted and justified by many, which they should not be. If the secret keeper has to tell, then the offended recipient has to act as a mature adult and listen, question, seek out more information, and get third party support if necessary before making the decision to separate.

If there are issues in the relationship caused by the trans side being kept a secret, then I also agree that there is a very strong need to come out to avoid the unnecessary suffering on the secret keeper and those loved ones around them.

So, the recommendations are to tell before entering a long term relationship and to try to tell during one. But that decision can only be made by that person keeping that secret, and prior to that decision they should seriously consider and weigh the true possibility of a worst case scenario after they tell as it may affect them personally, their family, friends and income producing work.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

So in reality, you lose some of your life trying to save something that isn't salvageable. Being a crossdresser and hiding it, basically wastes your partner's life too as they think the marriage is something it isn't (really no different than having an affair, you hide something you KNOW your partner may not approve of and you in essence acre making a decision for them instead of letting them make their own. Manipulative and arrogant IMO). So now, after let's say 20 years, they find out. You have wasted that many years of their lives and that many years of yours when they could have been happier with the info in either case. You know you can't get those years back. Life is short too. No one knows when you will eave. So why be miserable? Why, when you suspect they wouldn't like it, would you risk making them miserable and angry when they find out? I know we are self centered. But the hurt of losing trust and faith is a lot worse and lasts a lot longer than having someone come out and tell you the truth early

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I am not arguing against telling, nor arguing any of your post here. I am basically a believer in telling, now. I was a secret holder of this as is or was many on this site. For me, holding the secret was not done due to arrogance and manipulation. It was done because I was fighting myself to be normal. Why tell someone something they are likely not going to like, if you think you have a chance to beat it, and be normal. I did try to beat it. It was a secret I was planning on taking to my grave. I was planning on continuing to not act on my feelings and desires, for the most part. Yes, I had dressed on about a total of 10-12 occasions prior to telling my wife. And half of those were in the last couple of years before telling, before accepting myself. It was when I realized this really is who I am, and the desires and feelings could not be beaten, purged, cured what have you. I felt more and more a sense of guilt, and that an eventuality it would be discovered. I was also getting tired of the enormous restrictions faced by the secret. I have now come to realize that I am more than just a thrill seeking type of dresser, for sexual reasons or just some escape. I am transgender. A real part of me is gender variant.

For many, where they are on the spectrum is not always so much of their inner core. It is something they could live without. Frustrating at times perhaps, but it is a minor part of their lives. So, for these people, the auto tell answer is not one I would give. Although I never think telling is a wrong choice. If a marriage has been solid and life overall is good, the gender variance is minor.... Is telling really something that would be of benefit? I am not convinced that for every single person it would be. Even Helen Boyd thinks in some cases, it might be better for some wives to not know. Of course, it is for those who are not feeling the need to make any real alterations to their lives.

I do agree though, that in many ways, there is an arrogance and manipulation to our secret keeping. I rarely have long talks about gender with my wife these days, but we have definitely had some. And she too like most wives, feel cheated from making a choice based on full knowledge of the person she was choosing to marry. That emotion for my wife is as strong if not stronger than the discomfort of my gender variance. And, most likely, had our relationship grown with that knowledge, the discomfort would be less than what it is now. Maybe not completely gone, but I am convinced it would be less than what it is because that is who she chose. In reality, for most who are in the situations that end up in the big elephant in the room, the DADT arrangements, those would have been mostly avoided by an early disclosure, not one that was made years if not decades after commitment. There are of course marriages that withstand the later reveal, and some that even end up ok through transition. Others too that start off ok with the knowledge, but later on it goes south for whatever reasons.

When we hear from people like Sometimes Miss, we need to remember that there are many out there who have not had lady luck shine down on them in the way of acceptance. There are still more people who do not agree with gender variant anything. More women than not who will say thanks but no thanks. Some are even quite vile about it all. Overall, acceptance of gender variance is improving, but the needle is still quite a bit into the non accepting zone still. My marriage has survived up to this point, but it has been somewhat strained. The area in which I live, is a hole in the earth when it comes to acceptance of gender variance and sexual orientation. The north east may be overall a more liberal accepting area, but there are little black holes where it all disappears into some other wherever area. I have traveled enough in my life to see that not all areas are as accepting or non accepting as other areas. Living within an area that is high on the non accepting does make the decision to tell harder. It should still be done yes, but sooo many people we who live in these areas know who are quite typically proud of their lack of accepting and variance of any kind.

I have related my experience here several times but it's been awhile.

I was in a relationship for 15 years. Great woman, we got along better than most people I know. She died suddenly. (she knew about my dressing, she loved it, I let her know before the first date...OK so my dressing or being TG wasn't an issue). Sounds awesome huh? A woman who likes doing whayt you do, who accepts you as you are, who is your best friend. Then you lose that.

Here's the kicker: She kept HUGE secrets from me for 15 years. Things that I thought we had discussed. I asked early why she had never been married (she claimed she never had). She said the right person never came along. When she died I found out she had been married TWICE. My bad assumption was she never had children...My bad but if she wasn't married...:thinking: Guess what she had TWO children. Now to make things even worse she gave up the first child when the second husband told her he would not have another man's child in the house. There is a lot more to that story which involved abuse and control). This was not the woman I knew.

How does this relate. She didn't think it was important for me to know this stuff. That it would somehow ruin what we had together. That I would treat her differently. That I would not want to see her again. I can say, in my heart none of that was true. But she didn't give me a chance to show that. Yes it still hurts. It violated TRUST. Of course the knowledge would have changed some dynamics (like not having her sneak around to talk to her daughter. Like not seeing her daughter and grandchild because she didn't want me to find out...I can't imagine how much this hurt HER). So let's relate this to marriage. OK, you don't think it's important to tell when you get married. You think it will go away. You're ashamed of dressing, you're ashamed of the feelings you get from it. I get that. And if you can put it away for 20 years and your kids grow and you have a nice life, yay!. Until that day you get it out again. Then you start sneaking and you lie and go places where you shouldn't (experience speaking, trust me). Now your wife finds out....not from you but from a piece of clothing...or a video....or your browser...or that neighbor who hangs at the Drag Bar. She finds out. Now she wonders what else you didn't tell her. Are you having unsafe sex with someone? And you had sex with her last week...OMG maybe she has "something" now. Or she wonders, what else you keep from her. Drinking? Smoking? Illicit drugs? Two wives in another state who have children who will come to your door and ask for their fair share? She confronts you, you deny (most here will). She now has taht in her mind and you say "Honey, I have a business trip in May" She thinks "Does he?" She can't sleep, she gets angry with you, she withholds "affection" (read 10% of the threads here). So you start blaming her....and the cycle starts. Trust is GONE. It's easy to build trust in the beginning. It is REAL hard to get it back when you destroy it. Yeah, you were happy for thoise years (it was based on incomplete information). And it is REAL hard to get a new relationship like you had when you are 50.

And here's MY feelings and point. She didn't TRUST me enough to be honest. She assumed (as you all do) that I was too immature, stupid, naive, macho (choose one or all) and that she would lose me. But she didn't GIVE me the chance to decide. She made up my mind for me. You really want a woman to not like you? Treat her like she can't think and reason on her own. Even if you do stay together, she will never trust you again. It hurts. It hurts worse than losing someone to natural death because with that you can vent your anger at the universe. 5 years later, it still hurts. It hurts because she didn't let me into her life and let me show how much I loved her. Luckily I am in contact with her daughter now. At least I have that.

So now, go ahead and say that "gee it was fun as long as she didn't know" but you'll never know how much and how deep you hurt her by not letting her make up her own mind. I would hold a grudge against most people here too if you treated me like my opinion as your spouse didn't matter in our marriage

I am hesitant to say how I feel but I want to be part of this community!
My wife knew I dressed up in my teens with friends and thought nothing of it. A few friends told her I liked to dress up and she just laughed.

Well I get married and have kids and between work and taking care of the kids there's no time to cross-dress and children are so much fun, who thinks about cross-dressing?

Then twenty years later the children have grown, moved out or off to school.

Well now I have some alone time I remember how much fun cross-dressing is.

So I start again, I try to tell the wife but, she freaks out so I back off.

If she was curious or asked any questions I would have answered them, she said "don't tell anybody about the dressing up"

Since I don't have a desire to go out dressed and I'm content with a few hours now and then, then why should I push the issue?

Why do women get so freaked out? It's just for FUN! Right?

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Originally Posted by ReineD

All types of issues, problems, and differences of opinion crop up during the course of any marriage and it seems to me that each partner deserves to be respected enough to be heard if the issue is important to the partner. This doesn’t mean that the other partner will automatically agree or be involved in something against their will, but if a dissenting partner knows that something is troubling or important to the other partner, to just say "I don’t want to hear about it or talk about it" seems rather one-sided.

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Yes it does seem unfair Reine but my wife doesn't want to hear about it or talk about it, and add "nor see any sign of it". For the first 6 months after my initial reveal and her threat of suicide, it did hurt and it did feel that my wife didn't love me unconditionally.

Now 4 years on, I realise that it was the best outcome that I could have achieved from someone who grew up in the Mad Men era (I liked that reference). It is how she copes with a TG husband. Sure my life is complex and compartmentalised but we have a great DADT solution. I have a terrific femme life based out of a storage facility. Sometimes I yearn to change in the comfort of my own home (it is winter now) and I wish my best friend from my male life was a part of my femme life. But I don't have to choose between my wife and dressing. It may seem unfair to those outside the relationship, but we do what we need to cope.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Still, would you be happy dressing fully to go out when circumstances permit without having told her, wondering how she would react should she find out by mistake ....

Also, how would you feel if your need to crossdress was more advanced than it is now and you actually needed to dress a few times or more per week. Would you be able to not tell. Would you be happy with telling your wife you were working (several times per week … not once in a blue moon), if you were instead sneaking out to go shopping, dine in restaurants, seeing shows, spending time with your CD friends, going to clubs or support groups, etc. Would you be able to construct fake business trips in order to attend TG conventions. How would you hide shaved legs, trimmed eyebrows, a growing wardrobe, makeup, jewelry, etc. How would you hide all these purchases from your shared finances.

The people who do end up telling their wives, do so because it bothers them to keep this a complete secret and because it becomes necessary to tell.

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Our arrangement is DADT therefore I don't tell her that I'm out femme 4 or 5 days a week. In fact Michelle is now a part time working girl. The signs are pretty obvious though (eyebrows, legs, wardrobe ...) but she chooses not to notice. The fact that she knows that I dress but doesn't want to know the specifics, makes me very comfortable in our arrangement and unconditionally in love.

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Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing

Why do women get so freaked out? It's just for FUN! Right?

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Is it? Put yourself in her position. You know the questions she will ask. If it were reversed, would you think "it's just for fun?" Or would you worry you are losing your best friend maybe to another person or physically.

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Originally Posted by Michelle (Oz)

Our arrangement is DADT therefore I don't tell her that I'm out femme 4 or 5 days a week. In fact Michelle is now a part time working girl. The signs are pretty obvious though (eyebrows, legs, wardrobe ...) but she chooses not to notice.

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But, she does know, even if it isn't talked about. This is vastly different than if you actually lied and said you were out teaching a class, or volunteering, or working, or whatever. So should something ever happen and you found yourself in an emergency room, your wife would not feel as if she was in the Twilight Zone.

I believe it's like a roll of a dice, it could go either way. Women change with a flick of an eye, what's good today isn't good tomorrow. I told my wife early in our marriage because I wasn't going to spent the rest of my life as a fugitive. That was thirty years ago and my wife tells me now that when I told her she did try to keep an opened mind and wanted to see to see where I was going with it. When she seen it was pretty harmless and there were worse things in life I could be doing she was ok with it. I guess my wife gave it a chance and some women don't even want to know about it. Before joining here I just thought that every women would be OK with it, and it was so surprising when I started reading about people divorcing and fights over it. Don't get me wrong it wasn't always roses, but if a relationship has good communication and both parties care about the other persons needs it could be a win win situation. Hope it all works out and keep us updated