I have Gender Dysphoria, How do I tell my Wife I can not change who I am?

I'm asking all those who have been through this.

What is the best, most Loving way to tell my Wife of over 31 years I can not change who I am? My Wife knows that I have Gender Dysphoria, but she thinks I have overcome the desire to dress up as a Woman, live as a Woman, and most likely have hormone replacement therapy and sexual reassignment surgery to become a complete Woman. I'm thinking of talking to her to see if she will just let me Cross Dress, and go out dressed as a Woman occasionally, which I have been and am currently doing, but it really hurts to lie to my Wife whom I Love so much.

Thank you,
Mary

Mary,
I had to attend gender counselling before I could answer that question, I do have GD but I don't feel it's an issue, I'm bi-gender and very close to the TS line but now I know this I can accept it and work with it. I always knew my CDing went deeper than just wearing the clothes but I've come to terms with it and more importantly my family have. I don't think they fully understand but at least they haven't lost me as a husband and father and grandfather. Yes we did nearly separate but after 42 years of marriage it was too much to walk away from, but I knew I would have to live a compromised life style, I would like to dress far more and be open about it. The important point is I fully accept myself so I'm not too concerned who knows, whatever they do or say isn't going to change what's inside me, admittedly my wife doesn't share this view fully which I try to understand but sometimes she does really hurt me intentionally when she can't deal with it.

I believe your wife should happily accept that you only want to dress, my wife doesn't want to see me but she now accepts I go out to meet others socially, after several months of doing that I feel it's helped us both to accept my CDing situation.

Oh yeah I was there once - thinking if she would let me crossdress once in a while and go out sometimes Id be alright. Came here to learn how to enjoy crossdressing.

Did not work out like I was thinking at the time.
At first I did try to negotiate to crossdress, and then to see a therapist, and then hormones and before long her husband was gone.

How to tell her? no easy way .be honest, let the cards fall. Don't try to make deals you may not be able to keep and keep dragging her through the pain each time.

Thank you very much Teresa,
Your understanding and support means allot.
Mary

You really have to decide to yourself how much you want to stay married to her. If there's a strong chance that she will divorce you once you tell all, perhaps you might want to consider staying in the closet forever. I'm sure plenty of men have done that in the past, and some are still doing it today. Before I get blasted from all the 'always tell the truth' people, remember that no one tells their partner everything, and women are no different. Plenty of them don't tell their mates about all their life before they get married either. Despite the stories here about everything working out wonderfully when husband tells wife about his crossdressing, there are plenty of disaster stories as well, my own being one of them. We simply cannot know whether she will accept it or reject you. You'll only know when you tell her, and then you're committed to whatever life she then will determine for you. Evaluate very carefully how you think she will feel, and try hard not to assume the best just because you want so much for it to turn out that way; that was my mistake. We know that being crossdressers and/or having gender dysphoria doesn't make us bad people. We shouldn't be punished by society and our mate just because we're not their perfect prince that they've always dreamed of, because they're not perfect, either (which is something they all conveniently forget when we become the target of their wrath; it's only what THEY don't like which is suddenly the single thing that's important).

The worst is, that there simply aren't enough women out there that feel crossdressing is acceptable in their husband, to go around. Most of us will remain single for the rest of our lives. And no one should have to be alone for that reason. Yet, we simply cannot dictate what another will experience as a sexual turn off. So the choice becomes, whether we tell them, or not, knowing the odds are very much against us.

So choose your path carefully. Good luck.

Hi Arbon,

It's a great comfort to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through.

Thank you,
Mary

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Hi Lexi,

Thank you, that's what I'm doing now is cross dressing and telling my Wife I'm OK, and telling a lie to anyone really bothers me, especially telling a lie to my Wife.

I really want to totally truthful and honest with her, but I think it's going to take some time before I can.

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

Sincerely,
Mary

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Thank you Lexi

Mary, you know your wife better than we do so you are going to have to think about how she thinks! Know that this never goes away!! I do not know but if plan to go all the way to surgery you need to let your wife know that as later on it will be worse!! Eventually she needs to know!! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

It's cruel not to give your wife any choice in the matter. You are the one making the decisions. Best of luck.

Your choice of words shows you care very deeply about her. Write it all out, everything you want to say to her; your fears, your pain, your worries; then edit it down to the facts and either give her that to read (together) or use it to draft what you're going to say. That way you get plenty of time to make sure you cover everything you need to say and you can adjust it to be as gentle as possible.

After 31 years you probably have a pretty good idea how she's going to respond, but she may surprise you- I'm sure she'd prefer to make it work with you rather than go through divorce, but you are still taking a big risk. Living the life you want, the life you think you want: it's still a gamble, you can't be completely sure it will be worth it. Be very sure that you can face divorce if that's the way the dice land.

How did you determine that you have Gender Dysphoria? Is there a test? And while we're at it, define Gender Dysphoria.

I suspect your wife married what she though was a man. Now you are telling her that you want to become a woman. That's going to be tough for her to accept. Tough for her to explain to her family and friends. Tough to explain to the children.

My guess is that this is most likely going to lead to a divorce at some point.

Hmmm... I know at least a half a dozen couples where one partner has transitioned, mine included. Our marriage changed completely, and not nessasarily for the better. Others have gotten thru it just fine, perhaps now have a better marriage.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

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My guess is that this is most likely going to lead to a divorce at some point.

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It may well do, but as Paula has said, not all. Sandra has stayed with me throughout my transition, we celebrate 29 years of marriage at the end of this month. We were even able to get an amended marriage certificate to show a same sex couples marriage.

This is not an easy road and it requires a lot of hard work on both sides to make it work, but it can :hugs:

The most loving way is to tell her the truth of what you desire. You can then discuss what compromise of actions you both are willing to live with. From your post, it sounds like you can compromise to crossdress and go out occasionally. You do not say with her or without her, but that will be a point to discuss. You also believe she is unaware you still dress and go out, but that may not be true. You did tell her about your "Gender Dysphoria" (we hate labels) but not what her response was - divorce or stop it forever or "Don't ask, don't tell" or "whatever".
So tell her you love her and want to stay with her for the rest of your life, but need her to understand what is on your mind and that you want to work something out you both can be happy with.
Hugs, Elllen

Sorry OP, but why should she UNDERSTAND what is going on with you? You are lying by omission. and you fear the reasults of honesty, I think. I understand that. ClosetED is pretty close to the mark. Is it more loving to continue to hide - or to be honest with the woman you love, and risk serious problems.

It is a moral dilemma, and morals being personal, this isue is so far away from ethical and legal decisions. Only you can decide, and for me, I wish you the best outcome in whatever you do.

Thank you Amanda

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Thank you Ellen

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Thank you Nigella

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Thank you Paula

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Hi Krisi,

I was diagnosed by my Psychologist that I have Gender Dysphoria.

Gender Dysphoria is believing that you're a woman trapped inside a mans body, which I have believed my entire life.

My Wife already knows I have Gender Dysphoria, but she thinks I can overcome it like giving up smoking or giving up doing drugs etc.

I don't judge her. I Love my Wife very.......much. I wish that I could stop my desires to dress and live as a woman, but I can not because I believe I am a woman trapped inside a mans body.

Thank you for your concern.

Mary

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Thank you Lana

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Hi Char,

I will definitely have to tell my Wife, because I Love her very.....much. I just praying for the best time.

Thank you Mary

Mary, depending on the severity of your gender dysphoria, there is a chance you WON'T be able to stop it without destroying yourself. I would ask you to look at the severity of any negative feelings you have when you are not dressing, and if these are really severe, maybe even life threateningly severe, you are probably going to need to transition in some form. As for your wife "letting" you CD - I think you need to tell her what you need. Work with her, but if she can't deal with what you need, what kind of a marriage do you really have? And I say that without any criticism - these things are hard for many to accept, especially spouses. But look - lots of married people grow apart. If the worst happens, it's not really any different than the other things that go wrong with marriages and end them.

BTW, with counseling and support, it's totally possible for marriages to stay together through transition. The group I am part of is, in part, devoted to this very premise.

Don't let people beat you up too much for lying. Everyone lies. In fact, telling the unfiltered, unvarnished truth constantly pretty well insures you WON'T have a very reasonable time in society. We're taught not to talk about the things others don't want to hear, and self-preservation plays a part in this. That said, she does deserve to know the truth about how you feel and what you need. YOU deserve to be able to tell the truth too.

@Mary

It may well end up being a choice between your desires and your wife. Has your wife talked to your psychiatrist? Can he/she show test results confirming the diagnosis? How about a second opinion?

We all have to make choices in life and sometimes these are not easy choices. I suggest thinking long term here, not just today, next month or next year. Also, realize that you can never be a true woman, the best you can do is be a transwoman. I suggest reading the transsexual sections and considering the problems many of the members talk about.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

The lady friend i have been corresponding with, I have told about my dressing, and she does not accept it. She says i can overcome and rise above it and quit, just like quitting smoking. So, i can relate with you here. Krisi is right about really considering long term about transitioning. You would have to totally committed to that, and no turning back. I hope, as Krisi said, she can look at the doctors' reports on GD, and your wife will have an open mind, and be willing to compromise. If she is adamant and will not budge at all, maybe divorce is the last option. I am not sure i could marry the lady i have been emailing, because she says i must rise above dressing as a woman, may not compromise.

Krisi this is in response to your horrible statement about the best you can be is a trans woman and not a real woman.

How can anyone on this site say such a thing? So, that is the best I can hope for? If you have read any of our posts on the trans forum you must not have been able to empathize with us. Or you are so jealous that we don't hide any more that you have to say things just to belittle us. Yes I am trans but my life says I am a woman and I was ready to pay a price for it. I know the people I touch every day don't need tho do that horrible calculus that you engage in. They merely love a woman named Suzanne. I cannot believe that any of my cross dressing friends would silently let this kind of thing be said on here!
Suzanne

I simply have to agree with Suzanne. It's the mind, soul, spirit and heart of a person that determines one's gender identity - not one's physical appearance. Transgender woman are woman whose physical anatomy doesn't align with their inner womanly being. You cannot question what someone states is their gender any more than you can question how someone feels. If someone says they're angry, you cannot tell the person that they are wrong and they're not angry. Angry is Angry...Woman is Woman. You cannot step into someone else's shoes and tell them who they are. The same logic and reality applies to transgender men. They aren't women. They are men born with a physically female body.

Char, I have to wonder whether you and I read the same original post. The one I read was talking about someone who loves their wife, has already told her about the medical condition from which they suffer and wants help finding a way to ask their wife's permission to do something that might alleviate the symptoms of the condition on the odd occasion.

The fact is that Gender Dysphoria is a chronic condition that never gets better without treatment. Currently the original poster is desperately torn by the feeling that they are lying to their wife by letting her believe that they have overcome the medical condition and wants to find a way to tell her that it is not working without causing her too much distress.

I'm not sure what part of that original post talks about not giving the wife any choice.

Krisi, I'm not sure why you have these feelings of antipathy towards anyone suffering from the chronic medical condition that the original poster has or why you feel it necessary to post negative things against someone who is already tormenting themself about the fact that they are unable to overcome a medical condition and is worried because they love their wife so much. This is not the place to discuss what caused you to feel like that towards someone you have never met, but I would like to understand.

It's never easy. It may be a good idea to consult a therapist first to bounce some thoughts off of them on how to tell your SO. :)

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Originally Posted by Mary ElizabethJordan

What is the best, most Loving way to tell my Wife of over 31 years I can not change who I am?

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I doubt that your voice alone will be enough to sway her opinion. My best advice is try and encourage her to become better educated on the topic. There are a variety of ways one could go about this. For example these boards here have educated me tremendously. But how about going to therapy together with a therapist? If she is willing to be educated it will be easy to find the resources. If she is determined to be against it, then you may be involved in a loosing battle.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

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Originally Posted by Krisi

Also, realize that you can never be a true woman, the best you can do is be a transwoman.

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Krisi - the things you write sometimes shock me. You obviously have some serious self loathing issues. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to deal with your own self hatred.

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Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit

........... Krisi - the things you write sometimes shock me. You obviously have some serious self loathing issues. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to deal with your own self hatred.

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You don't know me so it's ridiculous for you to attempt to pretend you do. And I don't need your amateur psychological advice.

The facts are, you can have breast implants, you can get a vagina, get your body hair removed and several other things done, but your internal organs will still be male and your DNA will still be male. You will still have a male build and size. These are facts, they cannot be changed. You can live as a woman and you can dream you are a woman but you are sill male medically and biologically.

Again, facts.

This thread is not about you, it's not about other people who disagree with me and it's not about me. The OP is facing the most important decision in her entire life. I think it was a mistake to ask strangers on the Internet for an answer but she did. In the end, she, not any of us, has to make the decision and live with the consequences.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

You don't know me so it's ridiculous for you to attempt to pretend you do. And I don't need your amateur psychological advice.

The facts are, you can have breast implants, you can get a vagina, get your body hair removed and several other things done, but your internal organs will still be male and your DNA will still be male. You will still have a male build and size. These are facts, they cannot be changed. You can live as a woman and you can dream you are a woman but you are sill male medically and biologically.

Again, facts.

This thread is not about you, it's not about other people who disagree with me and it's not about me. The OP is facing the most important decision in her entire life. I think it was a mistake to ask strangers on the Internet for an answer but she did. In the end, she, not any of us, has to make the decision and live with the consequences.

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Irrelevant facts colored by ignorance, spite, jealousy and mysogyny....

Its certainly a mistake to ask this question in a place where you can answer it

I'm going to repost something one of the administrators posted on a different thread:

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............................. That's called freedom of speech, which is not against the law, nor does it break any rules of this board. If a member cannot have their own opinion and thoughts just because you don't agree with them, then that's a very sad day for everyone isn't it.. she isn't a sheep, she follows her own life and doesn't have to conform to the way you think or believe.

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Now I think many of the comments directed at me are over the line as far as the forum rules go but I'll leave that up to the moderators. In any event, you cannot change the facts and you're not going to change my mind with insults.

Free speech goes both ways. And the words you choose can have consequences, just as in "real life."

:) Lallie