Standing up for myself.

Saturday evening My roommate asked me if I would go get him a sub sandwich form a national chain. It had been a nice day so I was wearing a jean skirt, blouse, Wedge sandals and a hoodie. Make-up was minimal, with red lip stain. (I don’t have a beard). I had even told my roommate maybe I should change to jeans because it’s getting a little colder, but decided to would be ok because you park by the door at that location. I walk in, there is a girl behind the counter busy doing something. There is no one else in the store. I eat at this chain a lot. The way she greeted me and took my order was a little off. I had her toast the sandwich. A couple came in so she is helping them. A different girl comes out of the back,takes my sandwich from the oven and asks what veg’s I want on it. I tell her,she wraps it up and steps to the cash register. I pay for it, she hands me my change, looks me in the eye and says loudly “THANK YOU SIR “. I wanted to slam the sandwich down on the counter and walk out. But it wasn’t for me and with other things that have been happening I would have taken it out on her. Instead when I got home, I sent an email to the main office. I got a call from the local owner today. We talked for a while, he said he thinks we have met. He apologizes and is going to talk with all the employees not just the one. I told him that I had praised one of his other employees at different location a little over a year ago on their web site. He has four stores in this town. I also told him I usually frequent the one that’s closer to me. So why did I go to that location, my roommate thinks the employees there are better. I’m not an activist. I have never stood up for myself like this. Here’s the thing, I’m out and this is my town, I’m just not going to put up with this. The owner agreed and said I handled it the right way. Oh and I have a free sandwich if I want. I knew that this was just one person that needs an attitude adjustment. I’ll let her boss take care of that.

I applaud your courage Jean! Not just for standing up for yourself, but for maintaining the dignity of yourself, as well as your roommates sandwich!

Good thing that employee is getting a talking to as well. what she did was rude, regardless of who she was speaking to.

Good for you Jean! Sounds like you handled that little passive-aggressive idiot with a level head. :)

Sounds kind of like you threw a hissy fit Jean, because drab folks failed to live up to your expectations. I get that your feelings were hurt, but I think your reaction was a little extreme- it's always possible the employees took a dislike to you for reasons other than the way you chose to dress. We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.

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How is it acceptable to be viewed as "some type of fruitcake?" Customers deserve respect, if nothing else.

I think you handled yourself well Jean. You could've told the employee who misgendered you that you would prefer she used female pronouns - "she / her / hers". When I started transition, I had stuff like that happen to me. It sucks. And the loud "SIR" when you are presenting as female is pretty typical for someone who's being disrespectful.

Niki might seem a little off in her criticism.
Maybe she has misunderstood the situation.

Jean,You handled it well and complained in the correct manner.
I have always been civil and truthful with my complaints and have always received polite service in return.
You do have to point out others mistakes in a fair manner.

You are an activist. You took action to address a wrong.

Rather than escalate a bad situation with no witnesses around if things went sour, you did the thing that resulted in the most education for the most people. Now do the experiment and go get your free sandwich from the person who needed some customer skills training.

hi jean,

i think you handled the situation pretty spot on, you did not make a scene or slam the sandwich down....made the purchase and alerted the owner of the situation....he is educating all of his employees not just that one and you may feel more comfort with the local location you frequent ?

im not an activist but i find it bothersome that the community frequently complains that folks in the wild do not accept us, im a realist, some like this girl are ignorant and think they have a right to slight someone who they perceive to have a quirk.....she was taught that from someone so i find the "hissy fit" comment unwarranted.

we as a whole have to stick up for each other no one else is gonna and if not that at the very least ourselves, otherwise their will be just one variety of fruitcake.

now go get that free sandwich....

I'm on Nikki's side on this one.

Let it roll off your shoulders and keep on living life as you want to.

I'm miss-gendered when going out and I just smile to myself and keep on truck'n.

I pretty much agree with Nikki, but since I wasn't there, I'm only hearing one side of a story.

1) Having expectations of others will always let you down. 2) you should expect to be misgendered once in a while without getting hurt and angry about it. 3) people often imagine that others are being offensive when they really aren't.

If things went down exactly as you perceived, maybe you did the right thing. But here's what I'm getting from your story. The first person that was "a little off" somehow became "someone that's against me" in your mind. Top that off with being sir'd and it looks like you felt the entire staff was against crossdressers (you).

Last time I was at subway (in Drab), I wasn't addressed with a cheery employee either. 4) it doesn't sound like you were really trying to pass.

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Make-up was minimal

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Niki I may have over reacted if you believe in turning the other cheek when someone stabs you with a knife. I am pretty much full time. I can tell the difference between a slip and someone is insulting me. She is an employee and represents that store. She made a choice to behave that way. If this is acceptable behavior than she has nothing to fear. At work I still represent as a guy. I put my hair up under my hat, tee shirt and jeans. I’m a service tech and drive a white service truck with a utility bed and rack. Friday I stopped for lunch. I’m in one of these large shopping center parking lots, at a stop sign. This gang banger with some girl riding shot gun pulls alongside from behind, in the wrong lane. He just goes off yelling at me, not to ever cut him off again and a bunch of other stuff. I wanted to get out of the truck and beat this fool to an inch of his life. But I can’t do or say anything because I’m representing the company. I drive that truck all over meeting new people every day. I did not cut him off. Some people have all this hate and anger inside, it doesn’t take much to set them off. Is this the kind a person you want working for you, representing your business. I didn’t do anything wrong in both cases.

I think you handled it perfectly. As you say, you're out, it's your town and there's no reason for you to put up with purposeful disrespect. As I read the OP this wasn't a case of unintentional misgendering, which I agree you should just take gracefully (I tell people I'll accept any pronoun used with respect.) But someone purposely misgendering you is trying to force you into conformance with their world view -- they're telling you you have no right to exist -- and that should not be tolerated.

Stuff happens, when I'm miss gendered while in full femme and with a loud response I reply "your welcome-have a nice day" in as basso a voice I can muster so all can hear and do not get flustered any more. You can't change minds that do not want to, notifying the owner(corporation) was the correct procedure, we can educate but can only hope for more civil reactions from those that do not "walk in our shoes". I too am out in my town and am known for who I am in both means of expression, a long row to hoe but well worth it. There are always pit falls on our road to self expression and yes we must stand up for ourselves, good going on your choice of doing that.

As I read the OP, the employee deliberately tried to embarrass Jean who is a customer. Jean was quite right to complain to the owner and she did it in the right way. No hissy fit here!

Reading some of the replies reminds me of why our CD community continues to get little respect. The gay community and many other minorities gained respect by demanding respect, even over the small things. Look at the history of many minority communities in this country and elsewhere and you see that it is attention to the many small insults that eventually causes the unthinking majority to change its attitude. Our common response seems to be to scuttle embarrassed back into the shadows.

Jean stood up for more than herself. She made a small but important stand for our community. We should thank her.

Hear! Hear! Well said, Consuelo :thumbup:

Ineke

I think you did the right thing by contacting the boss and not throwing an SJW fit in the store.
People are really getting tired of having social justice stuff shoved thrown down their throat so to speak.
You won the battle by using your brain to which I say kudos.

I'm with you Jean. It wasn't so much the misgendering, it was the attitude, and contempt in which it was done. It seemed to be done deliberately, in a manner to draw attention to, and embarrass the individual. This is not acceptable behavior at any time, for anyone.

Congratulations, and I commend you for the very mature and responsible way you chose to deal with an ugly incident. Getting into an altercation with an ignorant server might have felt good at the time, but ultimately wouldn't have solved anything. It sounds like the manager will take the opportunity to turn this into something positive.

Jean, I think you did the right thing from reading your story! This person was trying to make a scene! You handled it well! Hugs Lana Mae

Jean I think you handled it properly and while we are out in the wild as it were these things will happen, many folks in the
service industry really don't know how to address trans folks but for the most part I've found they usually won't use any gender if their just not sure. I've been ma'md many times and unless I missed it don't think anyone ever said sir, but I'm
glad you kept your cool and contacted the manager and hopefully that young lady will think better next time

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Originally Posted by CONSUELO

you see that it is attention to the many small insults that eventually causes the unthinking majority to change its attitude.

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Sort of, Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves.

I had a similar experience when paying for petrol. I was the only one in the shop at the time and having paid the SA said "Thanks (very slight but pointed pause) Mate". We're trained to listen and interpret people's speech. You instinctively know when someone is putting even the slightest inflection to a word or phrase.

Jean, you did absolutely the right thing. Businesses realise that if a paying customer feels so strongly as to make a complaint then it's a threat to their income. Also the owner may be someone who is utterly on our side and dislikes any form of discrimination let alone from someone representing their business. Good for you!!

Good on you Jean
On so many levels that was a hostile experience. Regardless of the employees lack of understanding they are representing the company and their attitude towards you was unforgivable. ALL people involved in dealing with others should be made aware that their actions whilst being EMPLOYED in a business that is not their own could have consequences to their continued employment, not just because you are part of this community but part of THE community. Acceptness of all regardless of race religion colour gender age is what we should all strive for.
Your following post says it all really, thank you for standing up for a better humanity
gina

Hi Jean:hugs:, It's great that you stood up for yourself...:daydreaming:...

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

Sounds kind of like you threw a hissy fit Jean, because drab folks failed to live up to your expectations. I get that your feelings were hurt, but I think your reaction was a little extreme- it's always possible the employees took a dislike to you for reasons other than the way you chose to dress. We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.

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Nikkilovesdresses is way off base. Anytime for any reason there is a perception of intolerance it needs to be brought to the forefront. Everyone knows voice inflection is a good indicator of how a person feels. Haven't you found that on this site? A person writes something, but, without voice inflection it is difficult to discern the true intent. If the employee did raise or accentuate the phrase she was trying to make a point. I've been in many places over my seven decades where the service person ignores people of color. Avoids serving them in the order the person entered the store. Nothing is said. No voice inflection. You do not have to say a word to espouse disapproval. I'm sure there are many transwomen on this site and cross dressers who have been totally ignored when in a store. Or given a lesser degree of service. Got the hint, now get out!

Stephanie47 Nikki made a few good points so not off base really IMO.
Voice inflection and tone do make a difference but you don't have to fall to their level in retaliation or dare I say be a prick back to the store person.
That alone will put you in a bad light but going to the boss via email or make a phone call is the more appropriate way to handle the situation and actually get something done at the store level.
Nobody likes an activist all up in their face demanding things, we all know that doesn't work because its being intolerant in a way even worse than the intolerant sales person.
Thick skin and a I could care less attitude is the way I deal with things but that is just me your mileage may vary.

Hi Jean, I think you handled it perfectly, the main point was that she made a point of saying SIR, that is not misgendering you thats being deliberately nasty. If she was unfriendly or even a bit negative towards you then maybe let sleeping dogs lie, but she called you SIR. That is simple discrimination, what if you were Asian or Black or Jewish, its no different. The SA does not have to approve of you but she has to be professional.

I own a business and if one of my staff did that, they would be looking for a new job and as the owner i would hope that a customer would inform me of such events. I think your approach was perfect.

Jean, my hats off to you.. Standing up for yourself that way gets stuff done. She did her best to disrespect you and you had every right to get the store manager to call you.

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

Sounds kind of like you threw a hissy fit Jean, because drab folks failed to live up to your expectations. I get that your feelings were hurt, but I think your reaction was a little extreme- it's always possible the employees took a dislike to you for reasons other than the way you chose to dress. We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.

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No, Nikki is completely off base.

My read into the OP makes me believe that the sandwich chef wanted to make a point by saying SIR. It made me think of being out presenting 100+% as female and being SIR'ed and thinking "what part of my presentation makes you think SIR?!?!"

Don't answer that.

Nikki fails to see that when we go out into the real world, no one really knows what species of TG we are. Is this a CD'er? TS? Somewhere in between? I'd prefer that people show a little empathy and err on the side of caution because while the CD'er (or part-timer in general) can retreat back into guy mode should the going get tough, our TS sisters do not have that luxury.

But Nikki doesn't see it that way. He just thinks we are a bunch of fruitcakes to the outside world.

I agree with you Sara, but even if we are a bunch of fruitcakes we still don't deserve to be insulted or belittled. If anything we should be treated batter if we were nuts.

To be or not to be is not a question at all but a statement that you made to be was infact something you stood up for. Think about it. Your dressed and going out as a woman. You went and got a sandwich and you were served as a man.
Now if you did not care to take it any further you would have left it alone and maybe not bothered again. Since you did stand up it shows that your not just doing this dress up but that you are caring and standing up for not just you but for others as well.

I agree what the sandwich person did was mean and wrong I'm not arguing that point.
What the OP did was the right way to handle it.
Its never going to an acceptable thing to be TG or a CD or whatever to the general public any time soon and to think it will be in is naive.
Miss gendering by people is just something we will have to deal with from time to time.

Tracii, ok at first I was mad, sent the email. Two days later when I return his call was calm. At first I didn't know I was talking to the owner. I wasn't even sure I had the right number because he had given me his privet cell phone number. Any way he is a very nice man. He believes we have met and I’m sure we have. This town is only two miles across in both directions and I live near the center. I am all over the place and somewhat know around town. This kid did not know who I am. See I’m not just known for me being me but my two roommates are also well known so I’m also known as being their TG roommate. Sorry my point is that I am living and being accepted by the public. I have been thinking of starting another thread “why some people love or hate me” to further demonstrate this point.

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Originally Posted by Jean 103

I wanted to get out of the truck and beat this fool to an inch of his life. But I can’t do or say anything because I’m representing the company. Some people have all this hate and anger inside, it doesn’t take much to set them off.

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Jean, I think you've explained where you were coming from that day in the burger store.

Sometimes we invest in others' opinions or actions beyond what's appropriate. I think it's possible that you over reacted- others think your response was entirely justified, but I note that I'm not the only one who thinks as I do.

I see my use of the word fruitcake struck a chord with some members. Hey, we're men in dresses, pretending with varying degrees of success to pass as a woman, and NEWSFLASH some people find that amusing. Haven't you ever looked at some guy jogging by in bright red Reeboks and spandex and thought fruitcake?

Get over yourselves people, we're all going to end up in the crematorium soon enough- life's too short to put so much effort into wishing the world would change instead of us adapting to it.

Nikki,

I don't try to present as a woman. I'm being myself.. a person with a very significant male AND female side. I don't consider myself to be just a man in a dress, and honestly, most people.. including strangers.. see more than that.

I don't personally mind being misgendered, it happens. I worked in retail long enough to know that saying "maam" and "sir" becomes so routine that you do it without thinking. It could be a mistake, it could be a dig at me, but I don't really care.

That said.. I know a lot of people who DO really care. For a lot of fully transgender folks - especially those who have recently transitioned - this is devastating. As such, I always remind anyone who calls me "sir" that it would be polite to either acknowledge my presentation or don't gender me at all. I say it politely and give them the benefit of the doubt.. because honestly many of them don't even know or realize it. And I take my visibility seriously.. each one of us acts as ambassadors for our community.

And as such, I applaud Jean for what she did. That was the mature way to handle it, and she may have made the experience more pleasant for those going after her.

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Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

I see my use of the word fruitcake struck a chord with some members. Hey, we're men in dresses, pretending with varying degrees of success to pass as a woman, and NEWSFLASH some people find that amusing. Haven't you ever looked at some guy jogging by in bright red Reeboks and spandex and thought fruitcake?

Get over yourselves people, we're all going to end up in the crematorium soon enough- life's too short to put so much effort into wishing the world would change instead of us adapting to it.

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Wait until a group of your neighbors attacks you and beats you for being "a fruitcake." I know plenty of people who've been victimized. And lest you whip out your manly-man Kung-fu skills, last friend of mine who was attacked was attacked from behind by three men. My friend ended up in the hospital. They used another word that started with an "F"...

You did absolutely the right thing Jean, IMO.

Thank you for standing up for us. Many people see us as freaks, like my wife, but we still deserve the same public respect as anybody else. It's very embarrassing to try to pass in a crowd and someone misgenders you on purpose. I feel like a spotlight has been turned on me. Even if I don't pass very well, I know there are many who haven't noticed me as they're busy and so I feel comfortable knowing that I'm trying my best and at least partially blending. When someone makes a public statement addressing my male gender, it just hurts a little.

It must be what an African American felt in the old South when at an all white establishment. Now, there are many who are still prejudice, but respect the customer in conversation. At least that provides a modicum of civility and avoids anger and frustration.

I find it amazing how many of the members here seem to think that the OP was wrong and that we should let these things go and that the people in the "real" world just see us as weird, freeks, or fruitcakes. If this type of thing is done unintentionally and without malice, fine let it go. However from the way the post was written that was not the case this time.

We have to stand up for ourselves and not give passes on this type of hatred or it will never stop. It's fine to say let it pass, but until you've experienced this or something worse you don't realize what it can do to you. I've been threatened with physical abuse multiple times while at work so I know how something like this can make you feel. To make it even worse when I've had the treats made I've been in full uniform including my duty belt which gives me the same defensive capabilities as the local police. That shows the level of hate that we sometimes face.

If we don't stand up for ourselves no one is going to do it for us. We just need to make sure we do it in the safest way possible, which is exactly what was done.

Good for you Jean!

Me being me I prefer not to get someone jammed up on a job unless they really are willing to go out of their way to be a jerk. If it's worth their while I am willing to go full nuclear.
My usual response to a "purposeful" SIR in a loud voice is a polite statement that I am not a medieval knight, Clint Eastwood, or my grandfather, and I prefer Hun, or Maam, usually the cashier will back down, hopefully it's a learning experience for them, if not I will ask if they are paid extra to insult customers, and leave to send a letter to management.