Please Help. I need some advice from a CD point of view...

I don't quite know where to begin, and I know if I put too little there will be more questions than advice, but I'll do my best.

My bf came out to me a few months ago and has been slowly introducing me into his/her other world, interests and alter ego. I have been trying to be as open, supportive, caring and understanding as I can be so far, and he in turn has tried to do the same with me, being very new to all of this and not trying to overwhelm me at the same time. He has a lot of interests and is worried I'll still run if he shares too much and it scares me (more from past experiences, nothing I, specifically, have made him feel).

Today, I did a search on his female name and was overwhelmingly shocked with what came up. He had told me some of it, but I am thinking it is the tip of the Titanic sinking iceberg and while I have asked him questions (up till now) and I can only assume that he is being completely honest with me, I am also wondering how many more indirect/direct questions I am going to have to ask him or how many more things I am going to discover on my own before I find out everything there is to know. Today's surprise: He was (or is?) an escort. Geared toward females but males as well, which he has told me on numerous occasions he is not into. He did all of this while he was single about a year ago giving himself the freedom to fully discover his female side. I have already told him that we need to talk, which he says he is open to do, he's also asked me to stay open to an explanation (not knowing specifically what I discovered) and that he doesn't want to lose me. I know he loves me very much, and I him, all of him that I know of so far, but I am starting to worry about how much more I can take. I told him that I need to get it all out on the table, no more trickling of information. We agreed to no secrets, no lies, and I need to know now what I am fully getting into.

I am sure his need for secrecy, or whatever it is, comes from years of hiding and embarrassment, and while we will talk, I just really don't know what to do about this. Any advice for a situation like this would be very greatly appreciated. And please, I am not looking for the "Run fast. Run far." type of responses, I just feel uncertain and a bit scared and don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading,
g

G,

From what you've written it does seem you're basically comfortable with the idea of him dressing. It's how this integrates into his activities that seems to be the issue.

Having read your post my first instinct is to say that you set a time for "The talk" and tell him to spill the beans, everything. Firstly the not knowing can for you be worse than finding out things little by little. If there's something there that's just too much for you, something you can't reconcile, it'll save you wasting time prolonging the relationship when ultimately it's doomed.

By asking for all cards on the table, should he fail to disclose what you already know then you rightly can doubt whether or not the truth will ever be revealed.

Your observation about "his need for secrecy, or whatever it is, comes from years of hiding and embarrassment," is an astute one. Overcoming years of social conditioning is hugely difficult.

One other thought. What went on in the past is perhaps of less importance of what will now happen moving forward. Things he may have done, things you find unpalatable, are history. If you can gain an assurance that these are thing that won't be repeated then I see that as being a positive and a basis for taking the relationship onward.

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Originally Posted by Littleg2

I don't quite know where to begin, ....................... I know he loves me very much, and I him, all of him that I know of so far, but I am starting to worry about how much more I can take. I told him that I need to get it all out on the table, no more trickling of information. We agreed to no secrets, no lies, and I need to know now what I am fully getting into.

I am sure his need for secrecy, or whatever it is, comes from years of hiding and embarrassment, and while we will talk, I just really don't know what to do about this. Any advice for a situation like this would be very greatly appreciated. And please, I am not looking for the "Run fast. Run far." type of responses, I just feel uncertain and a bit scared and don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading,
g

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hi g,

you seem to know exactly where to start, from the beginning, the whole truth nothing but the truth, as mentioned the escorting was in the past but make sure no little details were left out in a conquest to feel the total female experience....so for me its proceed with extreme caution....keep communicating and dont forget that if you have concerns or conditions they need to be part of the equation....also i would recommend that you join your peers here in the FAB section....sometimes were not as objective as we think we are. here is a link...https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...f#faq_gg_forum

also remember what is true for some you read about here it is not true of all....were as varied as a box of chocolates....

I have to agree with Helen. If he tells you about his past and if he agrees that he wants you. Then the relationship can move forward. The past should not be that important in a new relationship.

They are all right and you know it. The past is the past, as long as it doesn't come back to bite you. Now is now. The future is up to you. If he truly loves you, then you hold all the cards. Now is when you need to know what you want.

Thank you for being willing to discuss - many would not.
I see two ways to take this on - tell him you learned several things attached to his femme name (maybe another CDer used the same one) and while some things concerned you, you are open to hear from him and not run away. He will be scared, but your staying and being open will help. Then list off the things you found and wait for explanation. This is more open and helps see how things gets explained/rationalized.
Or, you mention there are things you learned and see what bits he acknowledges to gauge how truthful and open he can be.
Do you want to focus on truthfulness or on why?
Good luck, may this bring you both closer.
Hugs, Ellen

Ok, so this might be a bit of a hot take, and I haven't read anyone else's response here but RED FLAG! RED FLAG! He worked as an escort but still hasn't told you about that? Now on the one hand it's possible he was a "legitimate" escort, meaning he'd give clients his time but no sex involved. This is the best case scenario, and also IMHO pretty unlikely.

He should have told you that he worked as an escort early on, even if he doesn't still do that kind of work. There are very real health and relationship implications from him escorting. You say that he was doing this as of about a year ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. How sure are you that he's not escorting anymore, or that he won't go back to it?

I'm probably giving a bit TMI here, but I dated a sexworker for a while. Before we ever got serious she made sure that I knew what I was getting into. The fact that he hasn't said anything about that would honestly be a deal breaker for me. Maybe I'm too much of a negative Nancy, but considering his utter failure to inform you of a major life issue, I'd be wary of any "explanation" he gave.

Thank you all for your responses, even though I am a gg you all have made me feel very welcome and able to talk and share about my experiences so far, and I really do appreciate that.

mykell - I am in the FAB group, and while I might post there as well, this was done for me to try and gain more understanding of where he might be coming from.

Ellen - There was no question it was her profile and such, there were pictures attached.

Micki - The points you raised are part of what scares me. How can I be assured that this will stay in the past, that it won't be something needed in the future? I had already raised the question/concern before this point to him of will I be enough? It is also very concerning about what he might have been exposed to, and therefore exposed me to, and while initial conversations were had about 'exposure and safety' (I'll call it, for the sake of being polite.), He should have told me. Might it have been a deal breaker then, when there was way less emotional investment on either part, maybe. Now? I just don't know.

Thank you all again for your views and advice.

-g

If its past, let it stay in the past and move forward. At least that's what I want to believe, but it would be nearly impossible for the knowledge not to creep in the back of my mind.

If its still going on it would be over. IMO

You two need to watch this video together. It is the definition of a healthy cd marriage
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BGM_zXBG8og
It's a bit long, but the end bit on honesty is the most important part. If you cannot trust him when he leaves the house, you're marriage is going to have big problems.

g --

I have read all of the responses and most are quite good and to the point. My suggestion, echoes some of what others have said, which comes down to "communication". As long as you talk to each other then you can each evaluate the information, the feelings and positions of the other person, and the options. You both have to decide where your tolerance levels are as respects the other's positions. If you can tolerate the positions of your boyfriend then the relationship can move on; if not, then that is alright too because only you know what you can accept.

Frankly, you are already past what the vast majority in the Forum have in their lives. Most spouses do not know or do not want to talk about it if they do know. It can be a very isolating existence which is part of the reason why we seek out in other in Forums like this. We are certainly all very different even though we share this one aspect of our personalities. I hope you find peace and happiness.

Good luck!!!

Just to play devil's advocate here, there are a few things he hasn't told you (and all of us here agree that it's because of years of social conditioning), but you found out about him being an escort and you have not shared with him the fact that you know about it.
No, I'm not trying to pick on you, I'm just pointing out how difficult complete honesty can be.

ll2, u need to ask him your questions. Not some of them, ALL of them! Why? Because he has all the answers while all we can do here is guess. I don't think u want guesses at this point?

We mite be able to answer specific questions, tho. If he dodges yours or gives u answers that require addition explanation? We mite be of help! I hope u 2 can work thru this. CDing CAN be a casual hobby or a lifestyle! We r mostly straight but can be gay or bi! Just depends on the person.:straightface:

One thing no one (surprisingly) has brought up is counseling. Perhaps he needs to see someone, but I would most think you need someone to sit down and professionally digest what's going on. I know that could be expensive. Failing that there has got to be someone you trust to talk with. Even with people we've been with for many years, there's always that iceberg comparison. Get help. You are worth it!

Perhaps I'm naive. Is his "female name" so unique that you can be sure that any of the things that come up are in any way associated with him?

I googled my name on this site, and was surprised to find that I wasn't the only person using my name....not on this site, of course, but on a number of totally unrelated sites. Nothing malicious so far as I looked, which wasn't far, but also, clearly notihing to do with my life in either dimension.

Before you talke with him about this...do a little research to determine if it is a real or coincidental finding.

Littleg - You didn't mention it however I'd think an STD check for both of you should be part of the "communication."

Ineke

I would have a number of questions to ask, but not really about the CD stuff. Escorting is a High Risk business, I would want to be 100% sure STD test is as clean as a whistle, the past is the past is great unless it affects your future medically. You do have a right to expect 100% honesty, to the extent that he understands himself we can only be as honest with our S/O as we are with ourselves. For instance when I told my spouse, I didn't quite fully understand it myself, and truthfully I still don't honestly understand it (see my own personal thread a few below this). I can say I can never give up the fem side of me, but I dearly tried to suppress it for years out of respect for my S/O after I finally hit my breaking point before kids I was going to leave her. I can say for sure that I love her with all of my heart but half of me was missing. The problem is I am still discovering which part of me is the stronger half.

Now your S/o may not be able to explain fully about her/himself. But if there was a drug problem (often times there is related to escorting), or if there is significant baggage that may come along you have a right to know. I applaud you for loving her for who she is, but you need to make sure you are safe, not going to be stolen from, or put in harms way. One thing I can assure you is that my other half wearing a skirt is NOT going to bring home an STD to my other half, OR my SO is not going to be worried about an illegal drug raid on our home.

I am not saying that these are true but these are the first things that I think of, because if escorting and not just looking for a hookup, then there was a reason behind it driven by money.

Lg2,

Sorry to hear about your "little surprise." :(


I suppose it would have been better to learn of it directly from your BF, and perhaps you would have in due time. But, that is neither here nor there, at this point.


No, I don't believe this is common among CD'ers. Perhaps a passing fantasy of it -- but to actually act on it? Probably not.


I do have some questions that *I* would ask, if I were in your shoes. Things like...

- Is your BF still doing this?
- Did anything actually ever happen? What? When? With whom (male/female)? How many times? Still in contact with them? Etc., etc.
- Why? And what did your BF make of it at the time? And how about now?
- Will there be more of this in the future?

Things of that nature. And I'm sure you already have many questions needing an honest answer.


Hey, maybe nothing ever happened, that it was just an online profile (or whatever) that no one took up your BF on? :strugglin

Or, perhaps there was no sort of sexual activity, that instead your BF was just providing some sort of innocent-enough "CD GF experience"?


Anyway, if it was in the past, and stays in the past, and your BF didn't pick up any STD's from it, etc., ... Well, heck. I think many people "experiment" in their lives, with all kinds of different things. But who are they *today*? And where will they perhaps be tomorrow, next week, next year?

Please keep in mind that past events & experiences can shape someone... You know, things that made them who they are today -- and that someone is now someone who you subsequently fell in love with.


I wish I could be of more help. But we wish you good luck, and we will be here for you! :)

I was just skim-reading your prior post from mid-June. Based on what you wrote then, it sounds like your bf disclosed a lot, but apparently not everything.

I think all of us have secrets that we want to keep buried in the past. Some things perhaps deserve to be kept private. Do we disclose all of our prior lovers to our current partners?

Or perhaps do you have your own secrets (like a kink) that you have not disclosed to your bf? Are you perhaps guilty of that too?

Now, I have to believe that you were suspecting something, otherwise you would not have done a search on his femme name. And when you turned over the rocks, you found something you didn't want to know--and it's hard to unlearn it. That is perhaps why your bf chose not to disclose the info.

How do you intend to confront him about your new knowledge? By admitting your search, and the reasons that led to the search? Is he going to be hurt by your invasion of his privacy? If he searched your past, is there anything that he would find that would make you uncomfortable?

All I am trying to say is that privacy is a two-way street. Perhaps what he did in the past is not relevant to who he is today.

I'm not sure what a bigger disclosure is; disclosing that you are a CD or that you are an escort. Perhaps the latter was a bridge too far for him.

My questions would be why he chose to be an escort. Was the motivation financial, or because he wanted to be treated as a woman by a man for non-financial reasons (and the money was just a bonus). I think any number of CD's on this board would entertain the idea of being taken on a date by a male and treated as a female; I know I would. That wouldn't necessarily mean there was sexual activity. Or there could have been sexual activity because he was curious, or because he was paid. The only way to know is to ask him, and trust he answers truthfully. Would knowing the answers change how you deal with him going forward? Do you really WANT to know?

Because another choice is to leave the past in the past and move forward. Let him have his past undisturbed, and judge him for what he is today, not what he did yesterday before he met you.

Because based on your posts, you seem like a very supportive person and he is lucky to have you. Perhaps it's time to just accept he had a past--just like all of us do--and he doesn't need to explain that past to you.

We all have pasts, including some things we'd rather hadn't happened, and that we DEFINITELY don't want our loved ones to know about. Some are the type of experience that changes our lives and we need NEVER go back there again.

What's most important is who you, and he, are now and who you are to each other. If what he did in the past stays there and doesn't spill over into your present relationship, it shouldn't be an issue. The same goes for you and your past. It's different if things persist into the present, like children or a disease like AIDS. Then complete disclosure is a must.

You should find out from him what is relegated to his past and which things are part of his life now. Don't be concerned about whatever is ancient history and don't pursue them. He's not the same person he was back then and neither are you. By the same token, you have the right to keep your past to yourself, including old affairs.

Ah, I don't necessarily subscribe to the whole "leave the past in the past" & "don't talk about it" thing.

I mean, if we can't even share things with the closest & most important person in our life, then who can we do that with? :strugglin


Part of the purpose of a healthy intimate adult relationship is to help facilitate healing & personal growth for both parties. There are obviously reasons (deep, not simply superficial) why someone like the BF would do what he had, whatever exactly it was. This is the opportunity for him to finally get it off his chest, get it out there, to learn more about himself in the process, and hopefully transform into a better human being from it all.

Will he recognize this & step up to the plate?


From Lg2's posts about him & their relationship, anyway, it does sound like there is potential & that he can be fairly mature about it all. But I do think that it's okay & even understandable that he's not dumping it all on her all at once, which wouldn't exactly be fair to her or to them as a couple.

And yes, finally, it can be challenging at times, getting to know more about a person. Emotions like anxiety & fear can pop up, doubt can start to creep in, etc. Whatever, comes with the territory... Just gotta punch through it if you want to make it out to the other side, where other good things potentially await. :)

This seems to be more an issue of trust than an issue of crossdressing.

If he can't or won't accept that - and your willingness to accommodate his crossdressing means he damn well should accept it - then it's hard to see how your relationship has long term potential.

Super video, Julie. Thanks for sharing.

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Originally Posted by Julie Slowinski

You two need to watch this video together. It is the definition of a healthy cd marriage
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BGM_zXBG8og
It's a bit long, but the end bit on honesty is the most important part. If you cannot trust him when he leaves the house, you're marriage is going to have big problems.

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I know this is a little off topic, but I love this video. Love that channel actually!

On topic: It seems to me that you are both pretty level headed people willing to discuss things over. If he has come out to you then I think it shows a level of trust and affection that's pretty high. So much so that he wants to share everything about himself with you. That must be worth something, would do in my book anyway.

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Originally Posted by TheHiddenMe

How do you intend to confront him about your new knowledge? By admitting your search, and the reasons that led to the search? Is he going to be hurt by your invasion of his privacy? If he searched your past, is there anything that he would find that would make you uncomfortable?

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I can appreciate your point. I was searching him/her because I am/was curious and wanting to understand. He had told me that he had a blog and that was initially what I was looking for, which he even told me he expected me to do that. I have looked up lots of things he has suggested from other conversations, and when i told him what I found even he was surprised that it was still out there. No, I didn't tell him right away exactly what I found, because there was actually a lot (pictures - some of which I had seen, a video - nothing bad, the blog I mentioned and the escort info). I don't see it as an invasion of privacy if it is out there on the internet for anyone that knows him to see, though. I didn't go through his personal things, I wasn't looking at his laptop or call phone, just the net, and thankfully he didn't see it that way either. It might make me sound bland and boring, perhaps even by comparison, but he knows all the sordid details, albeit different, of my past and if he did a search of me there is nothing to find. I am pretty straight laced and vanilla, as it were.

To all, thank you for all the replies, I was honestly surprised when I came on here and saw them all, it really means a lot. We did talk about this last night. I opened the floor to him and asked him if he would be open, honest and tell me everything he thought I should know. As I said, he was giving me this information slowly, initially saying he was trying to protect me. He admitted yesterday that in doing that, he was also trying to protect himself. He has never told anyone all of this, he has never been with anyone he could, and he admitted he didn't know how. Yes, it probably would have been better if he had told me before I found it, yes it probably would have been better if I had continued to just let him tell me at his own pace rather than doing the search I did and discovering what I did, but what's done is done and probably for the better.

He told me basically about the last 10 years of his life, what led him to certain things and how this all came to be. It was all very sad, listening to him and watching him break down telling me about the some of the darkest years of his life and what he has been through. Thankfully, he kind of emphatically admitted that he didn't make it as an escort because he couldn't get past the hurdle of meeting and payment. He texted with people, but nothing more. All I can do is take him at his word, as I am of the belief that I trust people until they give me a reason not to, and so far and from what he has told me and opened up to me about, I have no reason not to take him at his word. He also admitted other things that left me to believe that this was indeed true. It wasn't for drugs, but purely a monetary motivation of a desperate man who was quickly losing everything and trying desperate measures not only to escape reality (by becoming his feminine counterpart), but potentially using that to make money, which is a direction some others had told him to try.

I certainly don't think he is the person he was a year ago, certainly not in the same position in his life, and I also agree and believe that our pasts shape and define the people who we are today. Both of us (as I am sure many, if not all, of you) have had pretty rough lives in one way or another, we have both had our struggles and are just trying to do the best we can to get through life and do the best we can for those that we love.

He told me that he wished there were certain things he had never done and how sometimes all of "this" (meaning crossdressing and his/her other associated interests) would just go away, but he knows they can't, so I told him that I am doing my best accept that part of him/her, but I need him to accept that in himself. We are doing the best we can to support one anther on this journey of ours, and I am very thankful for how open he has been with me and willing to talk about these things and my concerns and questions as they come up, that to me is a very big thing as I haven't had a lot of that in my life with others.

Anyway, that was longer than I intended, I apologize, but again I want to thank you all for reading my post and offering your support and thoughts.
Oh, and he has been in counselling as well.

-g (and I will watch the video, thank you :) )

I guess I'm going to be the Debbie Downer of the group. People involved in "escort" services are almost always engaging in prostitution. The reality of the world of prostitution is often one of drug and alcohol addiction. You don't mention if he, or you, uses drugs now or in the past. He clearly is at least bisexual so that is one issue you know about and need to decide whether that matters or not. I don't believe the rationale that he didn't really do any escort stuff because he never got past the texting/payment stage. That sounds like he's telling you just enough truth to cover what you found out on your own but keeps him from going any further. Have you considered paying to have a criminal history check done on him? I think that would be a reasonable step to take. Frankly I think there are too many warning signs for you to ignore.

I cannot fathom a GG paying for an "escort", trans or otherwise, as a legitimate "escort" or for sex. That just isn't how life works. If he told you that, he is really really really stretching the truth.

As others have mentioned, you really need to have an STD check, and insist he does as well.

Needless to say, do not move in/mix finances/have children/marry this person until ALL of your questions have been answered satisfactorily.

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Originally Posted by Littleg2

I can appreciate your point. I was searching him/her because I am/was curious and wanting to understand. He had told me that he had a blog and that was initially what I was looking for, which he even told me he expected me to do that. I have looked up lots of things he has suggested from other conversations, and when i told him what I found even he was surprised that it was still out there. No, I didn't tell him right away exactly what I found, because there was actually a lot (pictures - some of which I had seen, a video - nothing bad, the blog I mentioned and the escort info). I don't see it as an invasion of privacy if it is out there on the internet for anyone that knows him to see, though. I didn't go through his personal things, I wasn't looking at his laptop or call phone, just the net, and thankfully he didn't see it that way either. It might make me sound bland and boring, perhaps even by comparison, but he knows all the sordid details, albeit different, of my past and if he did a search of me there is nothing to find. I am pretty straight laced and vanilla, as it were.

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Thanks for clarifying. There is a big difference between searching for information and being suspicious about someone's past, and I was assuming the motivation was the latter and not your reason, so that is my bad.

Also, if he/she told you it was out there, and go have a look, then he did want you to know about everything, and I think that is a good sign on his/her part.

There is a saying, "desperate men do desperate things." Sounds like he/she had some desperate times and made some choices that with 20/20 hindsight he/she wouldn't do again and didn't wish to discuss.

But what all of this tells me is that you have a great deal of tolerance, acceptance, and a wish to understand him better. Sounds like to me 1) he's lucky to have you, and 2) you see a number of positive qualities in him/her that you wish to better understand him/her so that your relationship can move forward. Perhaps the best approach would be to focus on the positives that you see in him/her and forgive/forget any past transgressions, with the idea that he is no longer the person that chose those actions.

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Originally Posted by Littleg2

Anyway, that was longer than I intended, I apologize, but again I want to thank you all for reading my post and offering your support and thoughts.

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You have nothing to apologize for, honey. Nothing at all. You are a remarkable person, truly one in a million, in taking the patient and open-minded approach you have. You boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life. You can tell him that I said so and that he had better treat you like the treasure you are. :)

Thank you for sharing your story with us. That must have been difficult and scary. Fortunately, you have found a community of people who understand, intimately, what you and your boyfriend are going through.
I can add little to the excellent advice my sisters have shared already, so I will wish good luck in this new and very different chapter in your lives. I sincerely hope that it works out well for the two of you.

Hugs,


Kelly

Little G. When my wife caught me I was extremely nervous. That was in the mid 80's.
At times (as the song goes) love hurts. You are in love and you deserve all of the answers. I hope that everything works out for you.

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Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly

You are a remarkable person, truly one in a million.

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I second that!!! He should never forget how lucky he is to have you in his life. Please tell him that for me.

I realize at this rate I am starting to sound like a bit of a broken record, or at the least quite redundant, but I just wanted to say thank you again for the replies, concerns and kind words.

We had the STD talk months ago before we were ever intimate, and while this did raise my concerns, we have talked about it again. I believe that he wasn't involved with anyone else sexually, I do believe he was troubled, confused, desperate and at a very low point in his life and was given some terrible advise by his so-called "friends". I will be careful though, thank you.

TheHiddenMe, I think there is a possibility he wanted me to find it because it was easier than him trying to find the words and the way to tell me about something so deeply embarrassing and shameful for him/her. And being that he was so willing to talk and clarify and answer any and all of my questions, I have to give him credit for that. How would one tell these things? It was heart-wrenching to hear his story and know how low life took him before I ever met him.

Kelly and Julie, you are both so sweet to offer me such compliments (not sure if I quite that deserving, it made me blush). I will do my best to be continue to be as I have been and continue to show my love and support for this absolutely wonderful person I have in my life. I truly have never felt more loved or adored by anyone, and that to me is worth everything. :)

xo - g

He said he never went out as an escort (particularly as a female). Maybe this thought might help to affirm his statement. Is he 'pretty enough to pass as a female escort"? Why? If not pretty, and he knows it, too, men would generally NOT want such as a female escort. Make sense to you?

My wife knew I dressed now and then before we got married but felt it was fooling around, which it was but it was something I did since about five.
The after she was only comfortable with it only during Halloween! So I kept it hidden and stayed in the closet.
I would say I'm not a crazy person, it's just fun. It's not going away so I'm back in the closet!