Told my wife today

My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

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Originally Posted by Mark

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

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Thank you.

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

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Originally Posted by Sarah Louise

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

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Thank you. Appreciate everyone's feedback and support.

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

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Thank you! East Texas. My mom lives there.

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

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Originally Posted by Username

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

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Thank you.

Oh Kimberly,

I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation. There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats). My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.]

The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST. OK, admit it (you did). You hid something and successfully deceived your partner for many years ..... in her mind. It isn't cheating. I recommend that you attempt to make her realize WHY and HOW DIFFICULT it would have been to openly share your secret. It could have meant loss of your family that you love, your career, job, local reputation, etc. You were almost required to conceal it.

Good luck. You will find great advice for getting together with your wife on this and not letting it damage your relationship too badly. You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was. I instead to think of it as an opportunity for growth.

Yes it takes patience at first, good communication and honesty worked well for me.

Hope you have a great relationship with her.

Thank you for the support. I knew I could come here and get it. Thank you!

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

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Originally Posted by phili

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

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Great advice. I woke my wife up this morning and she's like... I want to see the pictures. So I take her to my super secret file of 40 pictures. Let her see all of them. She's like you look fat. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we can sort through it. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife.

Hi Kimberly. You are very brave for coming out to your wife, I can still remember the anxiety I went through before finally coming out. My wife was also very upset at the time, and it took a few years for me to fully regain the trust she had lost in me. I'm glad to hear that today is better for the two of you, but don't expect this to be the end of the story. They may be many ups and downs for quite a while still. Be sure to listen to your wife and make sure that you take care of her needs. Now, is also a good time to start being more open about your feelings. Try to explain to her the fear you have had of being exposed, and any negative experiences that might have convinced you that you could never tell anyone.

Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day... My wife is pretty much %100 supportive, but she still has her days where she can do without me dressing. She has told me on occasion that as long as my dressing doesn't become more important than her, she's good with it.
Good luck Kimberly. Let us know how it goes

i have been in your shoes Kimberly and i know these can be dark days, with you and your family's future in the balance.
after 27 yrs of marriage(7 years ago) i was late picking up my wife from work( i had gone to a Mac store in Toronto for a makeover)
when my wife was so upset i was late i just blurted out i like to wear women's clothes, the you know what hit the fan and for 6 months
to a year our marriage was hanging by a thread. eventually my wife researched the topic and sought counselling and now is somewhere
between tolerant and supportive. so i wish th.at in time your wife we come around as mine did

Good luck. She needs time to realise that the 'real' you is a better person when you are not constraining your true identity, that's all.

I really appreciate all the replies and support. Thank you.

Hi Kimberly,
Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.

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She's like you look fat. lol. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we're cool. Whew. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife

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Just an observation from the outside: "You look fat" is not an uncommon reaction outburst when the wife first sees pictures. It might mean "You are not prettier than me, don't even try!".
Be very careful as this is a common mistake to make. You want to show her how good you can look, but to her, "Kimberly" is "the other woman" and she is fat and ugly!

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I'm pretty sure we are cool.

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No! That is very unlikely at this stage. Be very careful and go very slow. Keep talking with her, but give her time to react to this. For most wives, this it a gamechanger and she need to find out what it means. Let her set the pace.

- Suzie

I second Suzie's comment, strongly. My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it. I can't stress enough how careful you need to be during the initial stages. Do NOT under any circumstances show up dressed in front of her, even if she asks to see you. Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life. There is a distinction in our minds between fake and real, like what we see on the screen when we are watching a movie. Make your life, and more importantly hers, easier and be extremely open to discussions but refrain from a catwalk show. She will not be ready to see it for quite some time. Play it as safe as you can and best of luck.

Hi Kimberly, I'm watching this thread with great interest as I may be in the same situation as you in the not too distant future. Hope things work out for you.

Diane.

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Originally Posted by confused_cathreen

.... as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" ..... Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life.

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I wholeheartedly concur with Cathreen's wisdom. I know because I made all the mistakes. I came out involuntarily. Got caught. I had a error in personal security where a couple photos got out and let another family member know. It understandably surprised and embarrassed my wife who was already reeling from my recent outing.

One key mistake I made was calculating how difficult it would be for my loved ones to (as Cathreen says) process what the hell is going on, and what it all means especially to an existing long term relationship. I knew there was risk is opening my entire CD/TG box. Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong. I had no idea of how deep and the kinds of effects it would have on my marriage and life. Processing the radical change is easy for us because we adore our changed selves. Not so easy for our loved ones who see us in their mind's eye much differently. For people who never have these kind of "gender issues" swirling in their heads and don't understand, the idea of a man wanting to be a woman freaks them out.

Case in point. Even after months of knowing about my crossdressing, after showing her all my clothes, and my wife seeing photos of me dressed, a day came where I dressed in full. Dress, makeup, wig , forms.... the works. When she saw me she literally fled the room sobbing. It was powerful. Apparently it wasn't the clothes. It was the body shaping image that knocked her over. I crossed the threshold past dressing into Being A Woman. I came to learn there's a bit of "resentment' about assuming that womanly shape; as though I had not properly earned my Boobs. They were fake boobs (and hips) and it all was fake, and to presume I could sport breasts simply by inserting falsies was taken as a personal affront to her womanhood.

So.... be very, very careful when it comes to the self-esteem and sense of womanhood your wife has. Respect it.

It's been a 3 yr battle for me, but thankfully with the help and advice of this forum and a little research and education, my wife and I are still together (41 yrs); still in love and working it out. My gender issues haven't been fully resolved but I believe we've come to a basic acceptance and understanding as we BOTH proceed.

To your wife:

If he didn't love and trust you, if he didn't wish above all else to be honest with you, he never would have told you.

Please forgive him for taking so long to build up the confidence to do so. It's no small thing.

Hugs to you both.

Your wife, any wife, is entitled to change her mind. She is new to your desires to wear women's clothing. No one needs to tell you these sorts of revelations are shockers for a woman. Obviously, you are not the man she married. Or at least there is more to you than had been presented for a long time.

My wife's discovery was not so dramatic. I never told her during our short courtship because I had not worn women's clothing for a very long time. I did reflect upon that distant time in my past which had always left me confused. Back in the 1960's men who wore women's clothing were thought to be homosexuals. That was society's take on men who wore women's clothing. That confused me. Was I a closeted homosexual? Why did I do that? I just ignored it. Was I deceitful? I did not think so. Sometimes there are things you may have done which for one reason or another a person does not talk about. Especially, if those things are not reoccurring. Other secrets I harbored form her and others were unintentionally revealed during a medical crises. Those secrets were more significant than my desire to wear women's clothing, but, for reasons that were obvious were alright to conceal. Societal acceptance can be strange sometimes.

Anyway, we had incorporated into our 'bedroom play' a stirring desire to wear nylon nightgowns. Then we added some hosiery. It was a fondness for all things feminine made of nylon. It graduated to slips. However, when she unexpectedly found a vivid red Vanity Fair bra her take on all this changed. We had "The Talk."

One mistake I made trying to explain something I knew nothing about was to use a BS line related to my "inner woman." She shot back, "When you can have a baby, then you can tell me about your inner woman." I should have told her the truth which I ended up doing. That is "I do not know why I do what I do!" I can tell her how I feel. I can tell her it brings me comfort. It may be an escape mechanism. I still do not know why I need to wear women's clothing.

All I can add from my personal experience is to remember your wife did not marry a woman. She does not need her husband to be her girlfriend. Don't short change her by pushing your femme side onto her. If you need to explore your inner self and needs find some other outlet rather than compelling her to endure some thing you want to do.

My wife told me it was alright with her if I wanted to find a support group. I looked. There were none in my area in the early 1980's. We're into DADT. Would I love it to be able to cook dinner all dolled up and get an approving pat on my butt? Sure. However, that is her choice to make. Not mine.

I think that you are well on the way to some acceptance from your wife. You have stepped up and told her the truth and she has started the adjustment period by asking to see your images. The road is long and the way to follow it it with open honesty and on going conversation. It takes time and there are expected bumps in the road. I wsh you both a long and happy relationship, which I think will hapen

Hi Kimberly

A bold and honest move, which must have taken some courage. I wish you both well.

Rachel

Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.

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Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams

Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.

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Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well.

Hi Kim :hugs:, Well the ball is in her court now, Just be careful not to

overwhelm her with Kim, Baby Steps. >Orchid..+:daydreaming:+..

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Originally Posted by Karen's Secret

Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well.

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That's excellent and certainly true, though your comment alone may be worth her reading to help understand there is such diversity in crossdressing.

I say yes. You have already told her about the site and unless you have made posts that you do not wish her to see It would be good for her to see what others have said. Honesty is the best policy

She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

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Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams

She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

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I'm pleased to hear that things are a little better with your wife. I know you are currently treading on eggshells around her but taking your expensive make-up and letting you keep the cheap does not sound fair to me.

I'm glad that your wife seems to be coming around. Though I find the taking of your makeup somewhat passive aggressive.

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Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

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I see no problem whatsoever with her taking what she wanted. Just as much as I see no problem with you replacing it, now that she knows.

Hi Kimberly,

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My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

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I think that reaction fits well with what I said earlier. Your wife is seeing you having "nicer" makeup than her as you having an unfair advantage in the competition for the spot as the female of the relationship!
This may not make sense to you right now, but try and put yourself in her position. Kimberly is "another woman" entering the relationship and "she" cannot be allowed to have a better chance.
It sounds like it might be too late but you should be careful with when and how soon you show her glamour pictures, nice clothing, pretty shoes etc so you dont overwhelm her. The typical CD will go for the very feminine and very young styles and many adult women have passed through that phase as teenagers. This means that while they are now more comfortable with clothes and styles that is more suitable for their lifestyle and age, now there is suddenly a teenage girl competing for their position in the relationship.

As for your wife reading this thread then yes i think that would be good for her, but you have to realize that not everything she will read here will be in your favor. She will benefit because she will have the opportunity to get input from other GG's, both some who have accepted this in their husbonds and also some who have not.
It is important for you to tell her that this is not about trying to convince her to just accept you, it is about helping her to find a way to deal with this new situation and for both of you to come out the other side as a strong and happy couple.

I see you have changed your original post to say that you think you can work through this, rather than say that you think you and your wife are "cool" with this. I am glad to see that as I think that is a much more realistic status for now and a much better mindset to work from.

Cathreen said something you should definitely listen to, and keep in mind that she is in a similar situation as your wife having just found out about this side of her BF. This ties into what I said about not reading too much into your wifes immediate reaction:

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Cathreen: My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it.

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I know I and other have said that your wife might change her mind, but Cathreen says it much better. It is not a matter of changing her mind! What happens is that the initial reaction is based on a natural instinct to be positive and accommodating of what goes on with ones spouse, but then when it sinks in what this new situation means, the real reaction comes in and you have that "wtf" moment and the second reaction. Try and prepare yourself for that!

- Suzie

Kimberly, I started a reply then deleted it because I cant imagine what you are going through because I have not experienced it myself.

I came back and do want to reply. I feel it is very important that your situation is acknowledged.

I want to tell you I am concerned for your situation and hope it works out and all goes well.


Sara

Hi Kimberly,

As good as this forum is, it is not the best place to start for someone who thinks crossdresser=gay. I don't think pointing to this forum wishfully thinking it is all there, just read it, was a good strategy. There is an entire section on coming out to SO. There are excellent resources on the web and YouTube that are well suited for family and spouses to learn about the transgender folks. Why they do, why they didn't come out from before, etc. I don't want to be jerk about it but unless you caught on the spot, you should put more thoughts and effort into coming out if you don't want to gamble on your relationship. In any case, I do hope and wish for everything to work out but go do some work and help you wife to learn and understand you.

Best of luck Kimberley, thanks for sharing your story, and it seems that its so far so good. many others have found its often two steps forward three steps backwards so stay very cautious. I would not show her this thread.

First, these are my opinions, based on both personal experience (and watching my marriage go down the drain) and four decades of reading every thing I could find about crossdressing and relationships. I cannot provide references, because I did none of this to write a report for others. I read it all to learn about myself,and how it affected my own life. So take it for what it is, and I hope it helps you understand what's going on in your life now.

Okay, now it's time for damage control. You've done something which may destroy any sexual attraction that your wife had for you. And if you lose that, you're done. Your romantic relationship will be over. And if that's gone, the marriage usually is pretty much over. Why? Because romantic love, for women, is attached to sex. If you've destroyed the sexual attraction, the love always follows for a woman. And once that's gone, she will want to regain it, and it WON'T be with you. It will be with another man, either in reality or her fantasies. And then if that happens, you're done.

Let me explain.
We don't fall in love with what the other person is. We fall in love with what we BELIEVE that other person is. As we get to know them, we accumulate information, and in our mind, we gradually add information to that image which becomes what we believe that person to be. Your wife fell in love, and had sexual desire, for a masculine man. Now she finds out that, that's not what you are (at least in her mind). This can either instantly turn her off, or sometimes gradually just eliminate the sexual desire for you, as she no longer sees you as the masculine person she was turned on by. Let me give you an example. You turn the corner, and see a hot babe walking in front of you, you love her subtle curves, the slight wiggle, the way her long, sexy hair gently swings back and forth. Pique your interest? Feel a little turned on? Enjoy looking at her? Then she turns into a shop to look in the window, and you see that it's a guy; bulge in the crotch of his jeans and all. Still turned on? Nope. Attracted? Nope. You might even feel he's repulsive. That's what usually happens when a wife finds out her husband is a crossdresser. It changes the sexual dynamic. Instead of picturing you in her mind as the masculine man she always has, now she might see you in a dress and heels. And not only doesn't that turn her on at all, it most likely specifically turns her OFF.

So don't dress up for her, and I wouldn't show her any pictures, either. Because while she might imagine it, seeing it in real life will be an image burned into her mind that she will NEVER forget.

So. Remain the man she has known as best you can. Don't dress up in front of her. Don't discuss make up, clothes, DON'T try to become her best girlfriend, unless that's all you want to be. Because once you're her girlfriend, you're not her husband anymore.
Continue to have sex the way you always have. BE THE MAN IN HER LIFE. This is important. Why? Because if she loses the man she has, she will start looking for a replacement strong male figure; women often want their mate to be solid, reliable, someone that they can always depend on, someone they know will protect them; that is part of what a man is in our society. If she starts seeing you as feminine, this may make her feel unsafe and unprotected. And it makes you seem unreliable, because you suddenly have become something she never thought you were.

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Originally Posted by Samm

Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day

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^this is what I went through. Her initial confusion, then investigating the world of crossdressers, we went to a crossdressing 'friendly' therapist, and then my ex discovered the support groups for wives of crossdressers; then the bad stuff happened. She started hearing all the horror stories by other wives about how their husbands were liars, continued to lie, about the crossdressers who were actually gay or transsexual, about how those men secretely fooled around outside of marriage with men, basically painting all of us as lying feminine gay cheating scum who would eventually progress to transitioning and getting sexual reassignment surgery. THis is a tale that at some point your wife will definitely be exposed to, by MANY women out there. Why? Because most crossdressers don't know why the do it. If you cannot explain to your wife why you crossdress, she will assign a reason to you, and you won't like the one that she picks, because it will be based on her worst fears.

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Originally Posted by Sarah Louise

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level.

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That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.

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Originally Posted by Mark

She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

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Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.

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Originally Posted by IleneD

I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.

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This was my situation as well.

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Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation.

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And separate from sexual attraction.

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There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats).

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About 80% of us are straight. There are some of that 80 who occasionally have had some fantasy of being fem in some way sexually, but that isn't their usual feeling or behavior. At least, not from what I've read about us over the past 40 years.

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My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.

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^this is a big problem. As her instant assumption is that you are gay, it means that this has been her belief for a long time, that crossdresser=gay. So you're fighting to change her belief system, and every time she sees something that reinforces what she already believes, the harder it will be to change her mind. So avoid ANY mention, EVER, of you thinking of a male either romantically or sexually, or of you behaving as a woman sexually, i.e., submissive or dressed as a woman during sex. If you DO feel that way, leave it to the future when and if she suggests that you do that. Because if SHE doesn't ask to do it, she doesn't want it. Your marriage may depend on this. Avoid screwing it up any further.

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The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST.

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Unless you've been routinely deceiving her in some way with little things (doing things with your friends that you didn't tell her about, not being where you said you were, not telling her about being friends with other women and being caught at that, hiding money from her, buying stuff and not telling her) this will be new to her, and the sudden realization that you would deceive her about something this big may make her suspicious of you not telling her the truth in the future. The big one? Since you hid this, she may always wonder if you are actually TS. And this is not something that you can dismiss, especially since there is so much suggestive information out there that supports the generally held belief that lots of crossdressers are just TS who are in denial.

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It isn't cheating.

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Women will almost always consider any deceit as cheating of a form. They reserve the right of deceit, for themselves. Examples being how many previous lovers they had, not to mention all the ways they change their appearance.

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You were almost required to conceal it.

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No one will accept this excuse. Women expect complete honesty from their mate; it's even more important to women because their life can be ruined by marrying the wrong man and having his kids. To women, the relationships with others are the most important things in her life. Men, not so much. We define ourselves by what we do (and, of course, we don't include crossdressing in that, because we know it's unacceptable to over 99% of the population). Women define themselves by their relationships. Never forget that.

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You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was.

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No, but there is a potential to make it work. I just hope your wife is very, very smart. Because those have been the only women I've known who are able to accept a guy who crossdresses. There's a whole lot of psychology involved, and very simply, most of the population doesn't have a comprehensive knowledge of psychology to draw upon when faced with a very sudden change in who they believe their mate, to be.

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Originally Posted by Suzie Petersen

Hi Kimberly, Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.

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&

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Originally Posted by IleneD

Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong.

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Yep, the pink fog screws with our minds. To US, crossdressing is no big thing. After all, all the good things about us MUST be more important to her, they should easily outweigh the 'little, unimportant crossdressing thing', right? NOPE. Changing how they see us from mascuine, to feminine, is perhaps the biggest change in their lives to ever occur. It's a BIG problem.

My ex wife initially hated it. I provided literature to help her learn about crossdressers, and we went to a therapist. None of that made a difference. I would forever to her be 'not the man I thought I had married'. At the therapists office, she finally admitted that had she known before we got married, she never would have married me. She continued to believe that I was just a transsexual in denial, despite everything both I and the therapist told her. She eventually divorced me with that being the main reason, she simply couldn't accept a husband that she didn't see as masculine.
Let's remember, that many women accept all kinds of things. Laziness, infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of ambition, lying, women even stay with murderers, criminals, assassins, wife beaters, etc.. But what do all those men still have in common? They're masculine, and they retain the masculine sexual appeal that women look for in men. Crossdressing often destroys that. And once it's gone, it's gone.

Good luck. You're going to need it.
And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.

Some men come home to find all their belongings tossed out on the lawn, the locks changed, some even have restraining orders against them created by their wives making up some sort of story involving abuse or endangering children. Sure, you can fight it, but it will take time. Others had vindictive wives cancel all their credit cards, report their cars as stolen, empty the bank accounts, and sending pictures of him in a dress to his friends, family and place of work. And many of these women never gave any warning that they were going to do this.
You could easily wind up living in your car without a job, listed as a sexual predator, and broke, minus your friends, family, everything. This is a real possibility. So plan for it. Keep at least some money hidden somewhere, and some clothes (man clothes). A simple duffelbag with locking tabs at a trusted relative's house will do. Start asking around those who you know (that don't know your wife, because that WOULD get back to her, so maybe coworkers) who were divorced, which lawyers they used. Better to be prepared and not need the information, than need it and not have it.

Feel free to PM me with any questions, as I don't always come back to threads after I post something, and this forum doesn't have reliable notification system for that.

I really hope I'm wrong. But that won't change how she feels.

Kimberley,
We have all misread our situation with our wives at some time.
The two previous posts are important for you to read carefully, and you should probably try not to show your wife this thread, you just need to take the advice in it.

Just answer all questions truthfully and without getting too emotional.

It's been a few weeks since I came out to my wife. We have a lot going on and by comparison the crossdressing has turned out to be not a big deal. My wife asked to see my pictures again tonight and she thinks I'm a mess but she seems to be into it. Said I totally look like a girl. She wants to meet Kimberly. Told me it's ok to do it occasionally. We're planning a girls night out soon - overnight at a hotel and will go to a CD friendly club to hang out. Will have someone come do our makeup - she wants her makeup done too. After reading some of the horror stories I think I'm not doing so bad. She said as long as I don't cheat she's ok with it. :)

Kimberly,
It sounds like you have the right idea. Many wives (that I know) say there is nothing CDing for them. Having makeup done, a night in a hotel, some clubbing means there is something in it for the couple, not just one person. Good job and best wishes for your outing.

I can't say my wife has been that understanding but not that far from it. Sounds like a wonderful and understanding woman.

Thanks for the update, sounds like it is going great :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.


And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.

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You're basing this on a view of a therapist or therapists who by their very nature usually see couples who are struggling with their relationship. They won't see many who are quite capable of working things out on their own. Therefore their experiences can't be taken as the norm.

How do you know most marriages probably fail as a result of dressing? That's quite a statement based on limited knowledge of the outcomes. The therapist doesn't know this and nor do you.

You're right that this is a feel-good forum, but your assumption must then mean that the vast majority who you say have a poor experience must then stop posting on here. This seems highly unlikely.

As for Kimberley, it seems to be going quite well so far which I'm really pleased about......

Hi Kimberley,
I'm pleased for you, simply bc your wife is approaching rather than fleeing. We can't see what the quality of the conversations are, but you are feeling better- that's important!


I wanted to suggest that she seems to have an idea of what crossdressing for you is all about- appearance- and wanting to get her own makeup done seems like a clue that she can see that as a shared goal- just how girly can we look!

Being able to say she is ready to be with you in public and at CD sites may mean she has looked into it, and decided this isn't so bad= other people who are normal are doing it.

Lexi's cautions are all still valid-and may surface when sexual interaction comes up. Your wife may be TG or bi and just now uncovering it, but it is more likely she will want you to behave intimately in the familiar ways, and simply not be able to relate to a woman in bed.

Or she may think this is an interesting way to find out. Then the question will be what she finds out about herself and you. If you don't know how you feel or what you might want after you are allowed to dress up and be sharp looking girls together, hopefully you can tell her that. Sounds like the conversations are continuing- she is thinking about it all and asking to see the pics to check her reactions.

Setting an exploration frame around it all may make it safe. "let's see what comes up for both of us and then talk about it" Her willingness is a blessing, and she undoubtedly expects to see willingness on your part to extend yourself for her needs too!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams

My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

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I was super lucky that my wife was about 90% accepting right of the gate when I told her. Even with that acceptance it isn't always the easiest thing for her and she put some conditions on it that I've tried my best to honor. My best advice is to keep talking to her about it and reassuring her that she is still the priority regardless of the "hobby" or whatever you both decide to label it. It obviously varies from person to person when they find out and moderation may be the key until she comes to terms with it. I hid it from most people throughout the years fearing the reactions. I was again lucky that when I finally made the decision to tell almost all of the people that I wanted to know. I braced myself for lost friendships and hurt feelings and almost everyone started out with the are you gay question (which I'm not) but surprising everyone was just like Oh...OK, I didn't expect this from you but whatever.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.

Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.

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Utter buncome. Where is your data for these statements? I'm with Sara Louise on this one, only failing marraiges end up in therapy. It certainly transformed me and my wifes' relationship in a hugely positive manner. We all know your personal experiences of crossdressing and female relationships have been a total disaster but you don't need to constantly project your own misery on the rest of the membership.

I am amazed at how quickly your wife has accepted and adaped, She sounds special and she really seems to love you. Keep the dialogue open and expect some bumps in the road. Make sure you thank her for her support. Look forward to hearing how things go.