Vent...this is not how I thought things would go

I didn't ask for this. I truly believe that other personality in me is a huge contributor in how I have gotten to this point in life but....
With one child away at college and essentially independent and another ready to leave I pictured a whole different me (us). I was not prepared for the life stresses that ultimately lead to me having to come out to my wife.
While she is sympathetic of my situation she will be the first to say she'll never understand.
This is the first spring I can remember where I could not set myself aside to address the husband tasks at hand. I think there are many other issues contributing to this but it's very frustrating.
Please forgive me for the useless post but I'm hoping putting this out there that I can find a little solace.

Emi

In my case, my feminine side is extroverted so I'm able to ask help from my neighbors.
It helps that I contribute to the neighborhood by providing a gorgeous flower garden!

I try to keep on top of things by doing at least one chore a day. Today I had my driver's license renewal taken care of!

Marion

Sometimes the most value in a post is in writing it. I write a lot that I delete. Just writing it was enough.

You've got a lot of life changes going on. This too shall pass. Really.

I agree with Rhonda Jean, This too shall pass is correct. Go slow break things down as you go forward.
Of course your wife does not understand, none of our wives do either nor do we.

Marion, Of course you did did a gorgeous community flower garden, that is the way you are.

Emi,

While I can certainly empathize with the feeling that this isn’t what I thought things would be, and my wife is still VERY concerned about what the future us will be (regarding escalation and family/friends, public discovering anything, though even her worst fears are situations that are normal for many in here). I have to say that I am not sure I completely follow your point or what you are apologizing for.

Granted, I myself, have probably not explained myself very well in this or other posts or conveyed the ideas that I was trying to. In our own minds our posts are perfectly clear, but I realize everyone isn’t in my head and may not be connecting the dots that I am trying to lay out. Again, I believe I am likely very empathetic to your situation and may be very similar, but I wasn’t quite sure of your points.

I post this only to maybe get some clarification and consequently even more solace for you.

Emi, I read your vent header and post. It made me curious. How DID u think things would go?:straightface:

Emi,

I wouldn't fret it too much. With the kids moving on even without your coming out to your wife, the dynamic of the household is changing.

I've always been Mr. Fixit. I'd tackle any job around the home large or small. Retirement had the same effect on me as you're experiencing. The motivation fell away but I learned to manage it. Now instead of going full bore, perhaps getting a job done in day, it now takes me three.

We change as we age, go with the flow.

I am sorry you are experiencing some distress. Have you considered seeking some counseling?

It appears that you are at the point where major changes occur in most people's lives and they can be challenging. It was a long time ago for me, but it is hard to forget when the chicks left the nest. It got pretty crazy at times. The best solution is to take it one day at a time, step by step - the same as the advice of others.

It can be very difficult for our mates to try and understand what is going on with us. Perhaps explore what is the minimum that you require to keep the dysphoria demons at bay. Share those thoughts with her but don't pressure her. Conversations that focus on feelings is much better than focusing on what appear to be facts. In time you may find a combination that works for most all of the time leaving only the times when dysphoria and needs rise to a higher level. It is not an either/or situation for most gender variant people even though at times it seems that way. You, far more likely than not, are a blend of thoughts and actions that are more typical male mixed with a lot of thoughts and actions that are more typical of females.

It was very confusing for my wife at first, but now she has seen it has a lot of advantages. She has a husband she can share womanly feelings with to some degree but also has the man she married - just don't focus on one or the other as being the norm and expecting that to prevail. We are not configured that way. It has turned out to be a higher level of understanding each other. But that did not come overnight.

Emi, my take on your wife not understanding, that is understandable. The vast majority of wives don't understand. Also, consider if your last child is getting ready to leave, your wife is dealing with impending empty nest issues.

Thank you all for the support, I will try and clarify what my thoughts and feelings on this are when I get home. For some reason my phone keeps deleting my text.

Emi

Emi,
As for your "phone deleting your texts":
Make sure you check the "Remember me" box when you log in.
Also, for me at least, if I edit posts on my phone I often see the entire post being deleted for some reason.

- Suzie

It's a bug in the forum engine. I signaled it in the technical help forum. Since a few weeks, if you edit a post in Mobile mode (I'm using an iPhone), and there's a Delete button appearing (sometimes it does not, not sure why), the moment you touch the text to start editing it, the site registers it wrongly as a touch of the Delete button and your post is gone. You need to switch to Full mode to edit your posts.

Mod note:

I realize the OP was asking for phone help. However, please stick to the CD topic and if there are any other phone tips, please PM the OP

First, I doubt there is any woman/wife who can truly understand what we, ourselves, cannot understand. I told my wife I do not know why I do what I do. That was the summation of our "Talk" back in the early 1980's. Since then it has been the ultimate "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Truly, DADT; no snide comments, no hunting for my femme wardrobe. That in itself, the suppression, the lack of freedom to be oneself can drive one crazy.

Then throw in some of the requirements of being a spouse; doing what is necessary. Of course, there is the "get up and go to work routine," plus pay for college education. The list is endless. The pressure builds. How does a guy seek relief? Hit the bar every night? No, for me relief is to transform into Stephanie and live a day as a "June Cleaver."

There is a long list of "manly" or "husbandly" chores I must do. They'll eventually get done, but would get done sooner if there was more time to "relax."

Hi Emi :hugs:, We just take life one day at a time,

We just play the cards that we were Dealt,

>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

Emi, this is very familiar to me. I went through it when we became empty nesters, when I retired and again when I lost my wife. I couldn't wait to retire, yet found myself back working a part time job within six weeks of doing so. When we became empty nesters I was impatient about expressing my feminine side more, and then, when my wife passed away early I went through the whole process again.

I think it's something that all men around our age go though, it just expresses itself differently in those of us in the trans spectrum. The key, I think is to understand the difference between brooding and self absorption, and clear headed self examination.

Bring your wife in on the process; let her know about your struggle to adjust to new circumstances, but DO NOT make it solely about the cross dressing. I wouldn't even make it the main thing; positioning it as an examination of the larger picture of your mental health, your long relationship, and your future together will help you get through this without tripping yourself up and will reassure her about your good sense and the strength of your bond.

I am having the same issue with the man tasks around the yard this season. As that inner princess wants to come out the less I want to do it. Grass cutting is so ewww!

I get it, there are soooooo many factors at play here. My wife has been working overtime a lot and several of the tasks at hand we do together. Mowing the lawn, stacking wood etc. I have always enjoyed these things but for some reason doing them myself now is insurmountable mentally. Couple this with the realization of knowing that soon I will be more able to express Emi when its only my wife that may come home and it weighs exponentially. Basically it scares the crap out of me. Emi can not mow the lawn, cut wood etc. but she will want her time which will take away from that.

Counseling was mentioned but I have done enough research to realize that if I were to attend counseling it would be for the sole purpose of suppressing this side of me and I realize that this is unattainable. I'm not sure I want to. I am preaching to the choir when I say that no one besides those like us can ever understand the feeling of letting our feminine side free.

When I say I didn't think this is how things would go I refer to endless fishing, hunting, tree cutting wood work and anything else I could think of. I don't know if it is a product of my wife now knowing and the realization that while she does not want to be a part of it I don't have to worry about a surprise stop home or at our cabin when I had my nails painted. The time when I was going on about the pants I was wearing and would like to find another pair and she grabbed the back to look at the tag revealing my panties.

So my point is, Emi doesn't want to do those things because Emi can't be outside for the world to see.

Thanks all for listening and the kind words

Emi

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Originally Posted by Emi

Counseling was mentioned but I have done enough research to realize that if I were to attend counseling it would be for the sole purpose of suppressing this side of me and I realize that this is unattainable. I'm not sure I want to. I am preaching to the choir when I say that no one besides those like us can ever understand the feeling of letting our feminine side free.


So my point is, Emi doesn't want to do those things because Emi can't be outside for the world to see.

Thanks all for listening and the kind words

Emi

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What THE What? …. counselors would be to suppress that side?
Where do you get that from ..the opposite is true!
It would be to help you see it’s not that big a deal , common AND find a balance and can include your wife in that.


Seriously no one but you all can understand???
I beg to differ all he GGs that are here and have passed through here?..with their CDs and those than transitioned.
The CDs that want to remain in the closet ( their choice) the partners are in the closet as well.

I see it as you are coming to this part of your life without preparing or being honest with yourself or your wife…..I might not be too late.
The negative way you look at it ( IMO) you will need counseling first then your wife.

Good Luck

Emi,

I disagree with you about counseling. I came out to my therapist and she was completely accepting and supportive. I have read numerous stories about other CD/trans ladies who had good experiences which helped them and/or their SO's greatly. The key is finding someone experienced in gender therapy.

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Originally Posted by Di

What THE What? …. counselors would be to suppress that side?
Where do you get that from ..the opposite is true!
It would be to help you see it’s not that big a deal , common AND find a balance and can include your wife in that.


Seriously no one but you all can understand???
I beg to differ all he GGs that are here and have passed through here?..with their CDs and those than transitioned.
The CDs that want to remain in the closet ( their choice) the partners are in the closet as well.

I see it as you coming to this part of your life without preparing or being honest with yourself or your wife…..I might not be too late.
The negative way you look at it ( IMO) you will need counseling first then your wife.

Good Luck

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I know, maybe I am looking at this all wrong. When you live in a small community it is tough to accept who you are when you know most won't.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by Fiona_44

Emi,

I disagree with you about counseling. I came out to my therapist and she was completely accepting and supportive. I have read numerous stories about other CD/trans ladies who had good experiences which helped them and/or their SO's greatly. The key is finding someone experienced in gender therapy.

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I guess that is why I am here, and venting. Just trying to find the path forward. Another thought on counseling, I am an extremely guarded person that finds it tough to trust anyone.

I have not had counseling as I fully accept I enjoy CDing. However, I do have it noted with the VA that I CD. Coincidentally, I am required to visit regularly with a psychiatrist because one of my medications is a controlled substance. She always asks if everything is okay with me in regards to cross dressing and my home life. I tell her it is and she tells me if I ever need to talk about it to let her know. I suspect these professionals are truly there to help people and not to judge them. You may have to accept the premise that to get help you may have to trust someone enough to open up to them. Good luck whatever it is you choose to do.

Please explain what you envision the ideal Emi as "doing"?

I don't know you or your wife. Every individual CDer wants something different. Maybe it would be helpful to explain to your wife what you expect out of your life. Where does she fit into your plans?

Also, as others have said, a good therapist won't try to change you. They may help you get your thoughts and priorities in order. Please reconsider that option.

FWIW - I think I get what Emi's trying to say.

Emi, please correct me if I'm wrong.

(S)he isn't saying that the counsellor would try to suppress the CD activities. It's that the purpose of going at all would be to try to suppress them.
I think Emi realizes that this isn't what counsellors do, so it wouldn't work - at least not for that.

I also understand how "being Emi" could get in the way of "guy" things.
Not "out" to the world? Can't venture outside in anything that's too feminine.
Dirty job? Don't want to mess up your nice things.
"Masculine?" Who wants to do that? Ugh.
etc. etc. etc.

It sounds to me like the OP is worried that the urge to "be Emi" (however much or how often) might get too strong and mess up the way things were "expected" to go.

Pink fog anyone?

Emi - I don't have any good advice for you, but I do suggest that you be sure to keep your wife in the loop as to what you're thinking and feeling.
It's something that two of you need to work out - together.


Good luck.

You already have what I consider excellent advice, especially from the GGs. Just thought I would add something. When we went to a counselor, it was my wife?s opinion that the goal was to find out what was wrong with me. She could not have been more wrong. The counselor gave my wife a homework assignment to look up crossdressing. Granted it backfired in my case because my wife refused to go back. But there you have an example of how the counselor tries to not take sides against the CD.

As for the manly activities. I look at it like this. I mow the lawn with a push mower in hot weather as it helps me lose weight which improves my figure and legs. So it is not a negative thing. The main thing I try to avoid is working on engines as that can mess up my nails.

If nothing else, it sounds like it would help you to talk about it to someone. I think a counselor might help you. You will not know unless you give it a try and you can quit if it is not working for you.


Sandi

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with.

My wife got up and went into work, which stinks.

So I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..

When she left I asked when she'd be home and she said hopefully by noon. I said hopefully I feel like doing something by noon to which she responded that there's nothing wrong with that.

Emi

I was very resistant to going to counseling. For the record, I did not and do not agree with the therapist's opinion that I'm TS. I actually agreed to go because I wanted the therapist to tell my wife this was something I could control or even stop. The opposite occurred.

Very unexpectedly though, when I started going (twice a week in the beginning) and started talking, I couldn't stop. I talked about things that I'd never told ANYBODY. Even at twice a week it seemed like an eternity between appointments. The more I talked, the more I thought of that I needed to talk about. There was not much discussion. Mostly she just let me talk, or maybe she couldn't get a word in edgewise. I had no idea I had so much to say, and so much that needed to get out. The therapeutic aspect wasn't in the feedback or diagnosis I got, it was in the unloading, the talking.

I didn't put it on my insurance because I didn't want anybody to find out and I didn't want there to be a traceable record. It was worth every penny. You're probably a logical person, and the idea that you need to unload a bunch of stuff just by talking to a stranger kind of flies in the face of logic. I think that most of us don't get to the point where you are or where I was without some significant baggage. You've probably never had anybody you can fully open up to about it. I was shocked at how much was I had been carrying around, and equally shocked at how much relief I felt when I simply talked about it.

You can get some of that effect from participating on this forum. I certainly have and continue to. But, there are things I don't talk about even on the forum. I've gone much deeper in PMs. Some of this stuff is too personal to reveal even on a forum of mostly like-minded people. I'm often uncomfortable on the public sections of the forum. Don't discount the value of opening up. It's powerful medicine.

When I first came here many years ago, I was LOADED with guilt and shame, Emi!:doh:

The girls here explained how nothing I was doing was wrong or hurting anyone. And, I took their words to heart. However, it still took me years to get rid of those crippling feelings!:sad:

But, I finally have! So, u can, too!:)

However, I still feel some guilt when I dress up instead of cleaning the garage.:straightface:

But, since I live alone now I seem to get past that!:devil:

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Originally Posted by Emi

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with. ... I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..
Emi

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Emi, I am curious how much you have ever been able to dress this way. If you have recently been able to do more than ever before, I have to wonder whether the pendulum may be taking a hard swing from one side to the other, having been held back for so long. If so, I would suggest you might want to give yourself permission to indulge this for a while (within some sense of reason, however). If this side of you has been starved most of her life, let her feel some freedom. I can't promise it, and I can't say how long it will take, but after some time, this need may start to settle down. You can then give her a more balanced place in your life.

I too recommend finding a counselor - even if you have to go a ways from your small community to feel safer. As so many here have indicated, don't go in with an expectation of what it will be. If that's your thinking, I would guess you have the old-school idea that counseling is for the weak. I have gone to counseling a few times in my life, the two main ones being as I went through my divorce and when one of my children talked about suicide in their teens. It was a big help when I did need it, but after a time, it had served its purpose. At the time, though, it provided a way to keep things in balance.

Additionally, let me second what Jamie (alwayshave) said - as you're going through some major life changes at this time, keep in mind that your wife is as well. Facing the "empty nest" time brings a lot of concerns - which we tend to give great attention to - but a new set of opportunities, also. I certainly hope your marriage is a strong one, but no matter what, this is a time when you need each other for strength. You talk here about your issues with Emi time - appropriate for this forum - but I would bet that you have other concerns also. And can you name what issues your wife has weighing on her? Now is when you need to be the husband she can turn to. And I don't mean just for mowing the lawn and chopping wood. I think it is possible that you can integrate aspects of Emi with "Joe" (or whoever) in ways that help her get through what's coming. You each have your own lists of what you need help with. By working as a team, you can better achieve (what's the word I keep coming back to?) - balance.

Oh, and one recommendation ... When you get to the cabin, mow the lawn and do some other outside chores right away. Then you can reward yourself with a nice leisurely, scented bath or shower before getting all dolled up.
FWIW

Please keep up the suggestions everyone. I feel this funk I am in is multi-faceted. Emi is hanging around I feel mostly due to the stressors I am experiencing which also include work.

Couple this with my wife now knowing about me it has taken the fear of being caught away. While she doesn't want to see or be apart of it there is a ton more freedom in knowing that if I am pushing the time limits and the door opens there's no wondering why I dashed into a room and changed (this hasn't happened). I guess what I'm saying is that I can be Emi with more freedom than ever.

This may speak to your point Colleen and I hadn't considered it.

We talked a little last night about where I'm at. She suggested finding a new activity to take my mind off of things. I explained that the only activity my mind defaults to is my "other" personality.

I know things will find an equilibrium at some point and I do appreciate you all talking this through with me.

Emi

Emi, Warm hugs to both you ladies.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Emi

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with.

My wife got up and went into work, which stinks.

So I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..

When she left I asked when she'd be home and she said hopefully by noon. I said hopefully I feel like doing something by noon to which she responded that there's nothing wrong with that.

Emi

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Your issues are only about you and have nothing to do with CD or mowing a lawn.
Had to read in and figure out what the issue was. Your disclosure to your wife actually fell into the acceptance categorie so by all means,
celebrate that you didn't get the full divorce and get out of my house routine.

"I know things will find an equilibrium at some point and I do appreciate you all talking this through with me."

Things do find their proper perspective after their star appearance. As DADT is the comfort zone here, my life with wife never even entertains the invite of double entendre.
It simply doesn't exist in our world together because, although Carla and all the fun is a big part of me, there's no place for it with us.
A nice challenging mind exercise is avoid using the word "I" when writing. Plus it sounds less desperate.
Have some flowers and dinner when she gets home from work. Listen to how her day went.

I can sympathize, but it's not solely a crossdressing issue. Our only daughter graduated from university in 2018, and I foolishly believed we would get to go traveling, but Life had other plans. Instead of becoming world travelers, my wife and I have worked on our relationship, helping each other out through the pandemic, loss of a parent, dealing with the ravages of dementia on another parent, etc. While I dearly want to go exploring, I'm not sure I would trade the experience of having each other's back for more travel.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

First, I doubt there is any woman/wife who can truly understand what we, ourselves, cannot understand. <snip>

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Perhaps the biggest hurdle, is overcoming the reluctance to accept the 'awful, horrible, most terrible thing ever', that a man isn't the 'all male, all masculine all the time, he-man, the guy who virtually all of us grew up believing that we had to be, because being 'girly' in any way was the worst thing a boy could ever be, because that's what we were told when we were growing up. Even today, boys and men are ridiculed for any feminine behavior; athletic coaches, drill sergeants, and even many parents (both mothers and fathers), friends and siblings, will use female pronouns or fem adjectives (sissy, or worse, p***y or other snide words) as insults in order to coerce boys to 'man up' and do what they want him to do, and 'be a man', like they feel we should be.
We even see it here, when people seemingly desperately try to remove themselves from anything that might define them as 'less than all man', by referring to themselves in third person, as if it's 'not the real me'; even THEY can't accept that they aren't what they think they must be.
So it's no surprise that the women in our lives don't want to accept that we're 'not the man she married', but a man with more feminine personality bits than she wants to tolerate. It goes deep; our sexual attraction is based on most often subconscious clues as to what the target of our affections, is, gender wise. Destroy the image of the 'manly man' and replace that with a cute guy in a dress, and the attraction can easily be gone; and once the sexual attraction is gone so can the feelings of romantic love, and that's potentially the end of the relationship as they knew it. Having a spouse who has lost the romantic desire, and only leaving 'but I still love him, but now it's like a brother instead of a mate'. So it's no small wonder, why so few can, or even want to, understand... because it destroys a lot of how our world 'works', for us, and our mates.