How the TG Literature Made Things Worse

The past three months have been agonizing for me. My 30+ year marriage is on the rocks, and my wife wants me to move out. She, of course, blames it all on me, on my transgender issues, and on my efforts to come out of the closet. The reason I felt I needed to "come out" was to relieve what I believed was "Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder" (a term coined by Anne Vitale, Ph.D.), which was causing severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and frequent chest pains. In view of the fact that I recently had a heart attack and was found to have an aneurysm of the ascending aorta, I honestly feared that the stress of GEDAD (or GID or whatever you want to call it) might literally kill me.

Being Maggie was the only thing that totally relieved my symptoms. Therefore, based on the TG literature I read, together with my past history, I came to believe that I must be transgendered. I also had been seeing a clinical social worker and a psychologist who specialized in gender identity issues. But I really wanted to be a husband for my wife and a father for my children. So I was also looking for a way to free myself from the CDing without killing myself.

Therefore, I read whatever I could find on the Internet to help me figure this out. Unfortunately, because the available literature was deeply divided along ideological lines which did not address my specific needs, it ultimately made my situation worse.

I found the TG literature to fall into roughly three categories:

1. Articles by people who are themselves transsexual (such as Anne Vitale), who contend that gender identity is permanently fixed at birth, and that we should accept our transgenderism and transition if we can. (This position seems to have become the conventional wisdom expressed in TG forums and support groups and by TG counselors. It helps to relieve the guilt and stigma associated with CDing, and it provides a rationale for anti-discrimination legislation to protect TGs.)

2. Articles by people (such as Jerry Leach) who condemn transgenderism on religious grounds and who therefore advocate Scripture-based "reparative therapy" to deliver TGs from their sinful ways. (This position is espoused by religious and political conservatives who oppose anti-discrimination legislation to protect TGs. However, the evidence indicates that "reparative therapy" has a poor success rate, and that it often does more harm than good.)

3. Articles based on arcane psychoanalytic theories (which I didn't find helpful after many years of unproductive psychoanalysis myself).

Having already exhausted Option 3 in the past, I found myself forced to choose between the extremes of Options 1 and 2. Option 1 didn't fit me, because it required that I ignore my masculine essence. When I read the literature based on Option 2, I could identify with many of the case histories. However, the more I dwelled upon this literature (with its underlying judgmentalism) the worse my depression and chest pains became.

After much reflection, I now believe that my situation does not fit entirely within any of the paradigms offered by the literature. Right now I am able to feel much better by nurturing my masculine essence. This involves regaining my feeling of freedom, autonomy, and sense of purpose. I had lost these qualities, for various reasons, back in 2002, shortly before I resumed CDing after 30 years of abstinence.

My message is simply that we are each unique, and our uniqueness isn't adequately addressed by the literature on the Internet. We should be aware that an article's objectivity may be obscured by the author's personal perspective or promotion of an ideological agenda - either one way or the other.

Maggie

well said Maggie i really agree, while labels are usefull to extent , not everyone fits in one. I consider myself TS but put me in a room full of TS' and i feel very alone.

Option 2 is scary. There is no cure.

Maggie,

People have been trying to pigeon hole Crossdressers for ever. There just aren't enough pigeon holes for the myriad of different personalities and reasons why we crossdress.

Your number 1 people consider themselves "experts". Number 2's believe they are also experts but they are only giving justification to their ideas. Those in the number 3 category want to be the first to figure it all out with a single theory.

I am sorry to hear that your health and marriage are being hurt by your inner feelings being suppressed by yourself and by society. A little bit of "I don't give a damn," attitude can go a long way here. It may not keep the wife from kicking you out but you will live a lot longer. And once you're able to show her that your transgenderism is healthy for you, she might begin to understand the importance of it to your life.

I wish you health and happiness,
Susie

Maggie,
I am very nearly in the same place as you are. My wife and I have been more divided over my TG issues than any other in our 20+ year marriage. We have come to some sort of "truce" for the moment and I pray that it will last. I have examined these issues for most of my waking hours for about 5 years. I have not found a therapist that understands these issues so I too have relied on the Internet. Sure it is risky. One has to examine the ideas presented critically.

Anything that the religious community presents has no credibility no matter where they push it, Internet or not. I was deep into church but was rejected when I had money problems. They are a bunch of hypocrites. I am sick of their hurtful ways. Shame on them and their propaganda.

On Category 3, CD/TG issues being called a sex addition nor are they "autogynephelia". I am suspect of these diagnoses as they come from persons who themselves are suspect by their recent expose's. They seem to not really want to get to the heart of the matter but want to use TG issues for their own purposes.

With the internet as the best source of information available, good and bad, we have to do what we can. After all, we are using the Internet now to discuss the articles published on it.

I am stuck then searching for the reason or the way to live without feeling that suicide or at best depression are my future. I desperately long to be able to respect myself but when I look at myself, just who or what am I? Overall, I feel that I will get an answer and that my long search is yielding some results. I now feel that my identity is a mix of genders with the female side dominant. What I have yet to handle is my aversion to physical being and how to present myself so that I am comfortable but not upsetting those close to me. Nurturing my masculine essence seems to be just about impossible. For me it presents some pretty fearful concepts. Yet, for those close to me, it sure would be welcomed. Right now, I am a guy dressed in drab looking womens' clothes. This has been my compromise. Will it last? Will I need to graduate to full dress and makeup? I really don't know. However, as I feel that I am capable of examining the ideas on the Internet for my own mind, I have to continue to search here.

I really appreciate your post it has been the most insightful one I have read on the struggles we face. Thank you and I hope the best for you.

Kay

I wish to ditto what QZ2 said.
I also agree that if you were to take all of our male situations and start to disect them, as we do our female selves so often, you would be able to come up with a multitude of different reasons for guilt, depression, stress, etc.. Examples are drugs, alcoholic's, and such. Are they ever really cured?
I just wanted to look at things within the big picture and not just having to do with being cd or ts.
Sara

I have just reciently come through exactly what you are going through. Chest pains and all. My wife of 20+ years told me that if I went all the way she would assist me but that she would never sleep with me again.

My pdoc had cleared me to begin hormone therapy and all so I began a low dose and after about thirty days and feeling very suicidal I had to stop. My pdoc said that proved to me that I had a crossdressing fetish and that emotionaly that is where I wanted to be. Jim is now regaining the priviously healthy sharing of mindspace with Tiffany without letting her control all the situations.

May you find the peace within you as you are on target with the catagories.
My trip into a 1/10th dosage of estrogen was a bad trip, I can not fathom what a full dose would do to my head.

It was a very valuable lesson inded and with the wifes help things are retuning to normalcy. A big hug Tiffany

Hi Maggie

I very much understand what your trying to say here, and I totally understand what you mean by stress and it relationship to crossdressing (in a TV/CDer of course, and not all stress. My partner (Raksha) and I have both been on the recieving end of my frustration, drepression, and basically torment of not dressing for one reason or another.

We now thankfully (but it taken years) can see some light at the end of the tunnel, as although she has always been able to cope with my need to crossdress, (yet she has only seen me dressed about three times) I found it impossable to ask for space, or even to consult her about issues or even down to things I wanted to buy. thankfully now, I don't have the fears I used to, but i still find it difficult to ask, but now ensure I do.

Sadly I think the problem is that most hetrosexual tv's struggle to accept there wife might actually accept them being a crossdresser, and then when they actually pluck up the courage to actually tell them, for ever one we hear it wonderful and all a bed of roses between them, there are many others that just either never mention the subject again, or it rips a marriage or a relationship apart, for fear and misunderstanding.

Sadly, if any body types TV, CD, Crossdresser, Transvestite, etc, in to any web browser the first thing that appears is SEX. yep okay i'm the first to admit crossdressing is in a way a sexual thing, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that it means more to than just having sex. but sadly thats the view that anyone first searching for information on this subject is presented with, even her on this site we are presented with it in numerous threads, i'm not moaning about it, but to any GG, lady, woman, SO, partner searching for information as to what crossdressing is about, this is the first images and detials there presented with, dispite the fact that many TV/CD are Hetrosexual married men, with families, that have to hide there secret for fear of that label. even on this site, I still think it would be an improvement to have a non sexual forum where the subject is not mentions, lets hope huh!

Sadly most people don't understand the volumes of difference there can be in a group of crossdressers, there are many themes, and variations of crossdressing which sadly most people just don't understand or even have knowleadge of, ie most will say dresses in womans clothes? wierd, or another impresssion of, crossdressing which probably is actually totally wrong for the person in question. Yes there are gay TV's, bisexual, and streight, but the divide goes much deeper than just sexuality, but sadly most will judge us, on a very limited knowledge of the subject. because sadly from the top shelf to the internet, the art of crossdressing is related to Sex.

As for the religous ones out there that start quoting deuteronomy, this is my stance on this, and to be honest, I still don't know if I'm religous or not, but I try to live by christian values, and treat others as I wish and hope to be treated myself. (a very message the bible gives us!)

So if God is our creator, and he made all things, then clearly he made me, he made my person, my mind, my desires, my streights, and my weeknessess my likes and my dislike, therefore he also made me a crossdresser. if he made me what I am, he also gave me this drive and desire to at times look act, and be taken as a female at times in my life. WHY?

the Normal anwswer is well it a test, to see if you weeken, well if thats the case why did he give me a test I clearly will only fail at. He made me what I am, he gave me my desires and my dreams, so why after making me a good person, who tries to most of the time, speak good of most, and do well unto others, why give me such a cross to bear, and one he knows I could not carry!

So most of all, this thing we do, is I believe down to us, ie it's the way we are programmed, and it's up to us to carry our dressing to a level we are happy with. however no matter how ever happy we are with it, others will always judge us in one way, and that down to the knowledge of what is, and not sadly, who is.

just my :2c:

Never take internet lit as gospel!

That said, I was impressed by the conclusion drawn by Crossdressing With Dignity by Peggy Ed.D Rudd, (however poorly written and edited) which advocates a level of gender integration / blurring, enough to calm both 'psyches' - and spouses.

In my opinion, this approach is superior to those all-or-nothing, either-or, fire-and-brimstone philosophies which, for most people, went out with Nikita Khrushchev.

I agree Maggie. One should never let others, especially those advocating one extreme or another, to influence who they are or how they self identify, because this take the "self" out of the equation.

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Originally Posted by Maggie

The past three months have been agonizing for me. My 30+ year marriage is on the rocks, and my wife wants me to move out.

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Sorry to hear that Maggie. Just remember, I never advocate moving out voluntarily.

Hi Maggie, I hate to sound rough, but I've been there and done that. Tell her, What do you mean "me" move out. If you don't want to be around me, start packing and hit the bricks. Then get yourself a good lawyer.

Jodi

After reading many posts on telling SOs , and the aftermaths, I'm totally happy I stayed hidden for the thirty years I was married. Even hough I didn't dress in front of her, or tell her, or leave any clues so she never found out, I still had an extremely happy marriage, or maybe that was one of the reasons. It worked out well regardless as I was more feminine and submissive, while she was more masculine and in charge, and that was in ALL aspects of our lives. I have to say that I have absolutely no regrets that I didn't tell her. Did that cause personal problems for me? Oh yeah, but I got through them, and now that she has passed, I have the freedom to be Lily, as she was always the predominate personality. This is not meant to be taken as advice to anyone to stay hidden. This is just what my experience was, and that, for me, it worked out for the best as I knew from the start that she would never really understand from some of the conversations we had early on. Just my:2c: Love and xxxx, Lily

The literature you speak of is an example of the hideous nature our societies are in, in this: a new century. Ideals, Ideas and people themselves are stale, commercial, consuming and are utterly trivialised.

It depresses me every day, the state we're in - and we need something or someone to kick start a wave of alternative thinking that can bring about some if not significant social change in the views of gender, sex, identity and personality.

*Note to self: It won't come about by typing thoughts onto a forum of like-minded people*

What made it worse was not the writings, but your take on them. Day Tripper is right, everything is not true by virtue of it being printed or on the net. I hate to say it, but sometimes a professional who has lots of training in the area can be of some help. DIY psychological evaluation and diagnoses is about as effective as DIY open heart surgery. Tends to have the same result too.

To do this kind of counseling takes about a decade of hard-core work, both in theory and in clinical training to begin to get it right. Why people think they can DIY is beyond me.

Let me be very clear on this, least others make the same mistake.

Having an HO model train set does not qualify you to run a railroad.
Racing go-carts as a kid does not make you ready for the Grand Prix.
Digging a hole does not make you a mining engineer.
Building a bookcase and setting up your home stereo does not qualify you to set up a Rolling Stones concert.
Crossdressing and then reading a couple of articles on it does not make you a gender therapist.

Maggie:

My Sister. I have only a few words to say to you directly. "Right up front". Do what you can to take what ever stress out of your life right away! Been there, Got the T shirt Hun. Your dear to us all on here, and we would like to know your well and doing fine. So, that said, take time as you need it for you!! Everything else has been said on the thred that I could possible say, or would say. Books, God and whatever won't fix me in this CDing thing. God made me like this for starters. LOLOL:)

You take care!

Your Sister!!
Haley

While there is alot of 1, 2, & 3 on the net I have to say that opinions and theorys are just as diverse as the CD/TG community is. I have found much information and websites that like this forum, agree that there are many levels of transgenderism and it's not all black and white. While there are some true T/S, most of us are somewhere short of that. Some need the full transition. Others can be helped with just hormones or some cosmetic surgury. Others, like myself can be satisfied with a little electrolysis and mini fem vacations away from family and job responsibilities. Still others are satisfied with wearing a piece or two of fem clothing. It's all relative to what your mind requires.

It's a shame that people expect to "find it all" on the Internet. It's convenient, fast, and usually free, but it's not a substitute for real research. Try reading some books! "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan is a good start. Although a T/S story, it's a cautionary tale for anyone like you that has spent decades avoiding or denying that which is you. I suspect the "30 years of abstinence" is as much a part of the problem as the CDing itself.

I hope you find your way thru all these problems to a place where you can be comfortable and happy. I for one find this forum a godsend when you need to talk, or just vent. Keep us in mind and don't be bashfull.

Take Care

Sally

I find it intertesting to that the releigous folks all quote Deut. which on the surface does seem condeming. But the issue I think was more a caution of temple worship and not attempting to thwart duties by scurrying off to the woman's area. With that said though most religous writers don't consider any of the dynamics of life that go into this. I have no problem with a church not allowing this as a norm because it is hard to have an organization that meets certain standards for it's own survival as a church.
Some time I wonder if may be I'm just selfish because of this desire and my unwillingness to budge. I guess I'll keep listening and learning to see what future enlightenment comes my way.
Huggss
Danielle

Hi,

I read your post with concern.

I don't have answers, but I can relate to some of what you said and I sympathise.

I love books, but just like people (even professional ones), books can contradict each other or give bad advice. Deep breath.

On the subject of books, I have a personal favorite (sort of) that I would be grateful for a critique of : I tend to like it so I want to hear other opinions : _My Husband Betty_ . It's by Helen Boyd, a wife of a cd who is stressed out despite being extremely supportive of her husband's cd-ing. She's a talented writer, and she seems to have thought of everything-oops, there I go again. +?

princessm

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Originally Posted by Tiffany 1953

My pdoc had cleared me to begin hormone therapy and all so I began a low dose and after about thirty days and feeling very suicidal I had to stop. My pdoc said that proved to me that I had a crossdressing fetish and that emotionaly that is where I wanted to be.

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This is really scary - if I loved it, is the opposite true? Namely that I really do need to go the whole way?

WOW, Maggie.

Well your post has shown me a couple things...I'm glad I never read any literature on TG issues and I'm glad I never sought professional psychological help...

I do get tired of everyone trying to figure us out, and most having some sort of hidden agenda.


All I know is that Karren is a part of me that isn't going away, again!! And for me it's the best of both genders when and where I want or need them. Plus it's family first, Karren is low on the food chain around the house but still active and flourishing!!

As far as health I'm not so sure that your male side couldn't help out a bit. Yeah stress is a terrible thing but 3 years ago I weighed 220 and had high blood presure and couldn't walk up a flight of steeps with out my heart going wackey!! Now 175, low blood pressure, colestrole under control and feel like a million bucks!! Kind of a joint effort though (Warren and Karren). Lol

Well hope you can work your way out of this death spiral you appear to be in!! After all its 95% attitude.

Love Karren

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maggie

I found the TG literature to fall into roughly three categories:

1. Articles by people who are themselves transsexual (such as Anne Vitale), who contend that gender identity is permanently fixed at birth, and that we should accept our transgenderism and transition if we can. (This position seems to have become the conventional wisdom expressed in TG forums and support groups and by TG counselors. It helps to relieve the guilt and stigma associated with CDing, and it provides a rationale for anti-discrimination legislation to protect TGs.)

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Many transsexuals seem to subscribe to the theory that there is only one category of trangenderism and that we all fall somewhere along a spectrum from the mild shoe or lingerie fetishists at one end, through the part-time & full-time crossdressers, to the transsexuals who may just end up cross-dressing full-time, through to the full-on transsexuals who are firmly committed to the path of SRS. This theory has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. :)

Most crossdressers are simply crossdressers. We may fantasize about transitioning, but we don't really desire the reality. We generally have different attitudes & feelings to our gender & sexuality than transsexuals do. We like to play near the gender boundary, we don't want to cross it permanently. Of course, when we don't have access to good information about this material, it's easy to get confused by all the propaganda.

I have read a lot of biographical material of both crossdressers & transsexuals, including some full-length books. I have sympathy for the transsexuals, but I don't really identify with them, whereas I find it quite easy to identify with other crossdressers, even if their background & life experience is quite different to mine. FWIW, I actually find myself more in-tune with FTM transsexuals than with MTF transsexuals.

A crossdresser who doesn't want to transition is not a transsexual without enough courage. TSs that spread this BS just like to feel superior. Don't believe a word of it!

Robin

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Originally Posted by livy_m_b

This is really scary - if I loved it, is the opposite true? Namely that I really do need to go the whole way?

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If you enjoyed being on female hormones for a month that is a major sign that you are transsexual. However, nobody is forcing you to do anything. You do not have to go the whole way. When a "garden-variety" crossdresser takes female hormones we tend to get very unhappy because we lose our sex drive. When a true transsexual takes female hormones they get to experience how their body & brain run on estrogen, which is like a homecoming for them, apparently. So the hormone test is usually a good way to sort the true TSs from the CDs on a fantasy trip.

Now, some CDs have gone through transition & SRS. This generally turns out disastrous.:sad:

OTOH, there are many TSs that never transition fully, although most of these do end up living as women as much as possible, and may be taking hormones as part of their therapy.

What you do livy ultimately depends on you & your circumstances.

Robin

(liable to amuse and/or offend everyone)

T-person: I just want to be happy!
Religious conservatives: God says no.
Other conservatives: Don't disrupt the status quo.
"Traditional" transsexuals: Unlike the others, we have gender dysphoria, a Legitimate Medical Condition! Cure us!
Medical community: Ok...
Blanchard and Bailey: You all either get off on seeing yourself as women, or you're gay.
Conservatives: Sexuality is bad. Treatment based on accomodating sexuality would be harmful.
Medical community: Do no harm. We hear and obey.
"Traditional" transsexuals: Hey, it's not about sex! Quit threatening our treatment!
"Autogynephilic" transsexuals: Hey, getting off is normal and healthy! Transition is good for us too!
Tri-Ess: Hey, we're straight! We just like the clothes!
Genderqueers: Hey, I thought we were an anarcho-syndicalist commune?!

Add on any groups I've failed to represent...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Robin Leigh

Many transsexuals seem to subscribe to the theory that there is only one category of trangenderism and that we all fall somewhere along a spectrum from the mild shoe or lingerie fetishists at one end, through the part-time & full-time crossdressers, to the transsexuals who may just end up cross-dressing full-time, through to the full-on transsexuals who are firmly committed to the path of SRS. This theory has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. :)

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There's a lot of people in the trans communities who can't seem to understand that their experience isn't necessarily everyone else's experiences. For example, I know one well-known CD who thinks TS are merely buckling to society's pressures to conform to the gender binary, rather than the "right" way (i.e. her way) of accepting that they've got both masculine and feminine qualities. Which is just as short-sighted as TS folks who are dismissive of folks who are "just" crossdressers.

Anyway, as others have said, just because someone is a "professional" and/or puts in writing doesn't mean they necessarily know what they're talking about.

Personally, I've found some of the literature (more so books than internet) to be quite insightful, and some of it BS. Ultimately, you have to decide whether it's relevant to you and your circumstances.

Hi Maggie, I read and re-read your post and my heart goes out to you. To put it mildly you are in a bad situation to say the least. I can't offer anything that hasn't been said or will I try to, the only thing that I can say is to "follow your heart". We are all unique in our desires and in our needs for femininity and we all do not fit into any type of catagory.
I went to your site and was amazed at the volume of material that was there.
I also looked at your pics and found them to be of a beautiful woman.
I wish for you health and happiness along with peace within yourself.

Love; BonnieAnne
:GE:

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Originally Posted by Marlena Dahlstrom

There's a lot of people in the trans communities who can't seem to understand that their experience isn't necessarily everyone else's experiences. For example, I know one well-known CD who thinks TS are merely buckling to society's pressures to conform to the gender binary, rather than the "right" way (i.e. her way) of accepting that they've got both masculine and feminine qualities. Which is just as short-sighted as TS folks who are dismissive of folks who are "just" crossdressers.

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Yes, that description fits one prominent personality on the Usenet trans groups rather well... The ensuing feuds have made those groups rather unpleasant.

Quote:

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Anyway, as others have said, just because someone is a "professional" and/or puts in writing doesn't mean they necessarily know what they're talking about..

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I wouldn't trust any professional writing about transgender issues unless they were trans or very strongly involved with a trans person. Just like I don't trust celibate priests when they talk about sex.:heehee:

Quote:

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Personally, I've found some of the literature (more so books than internet) to be quite insightful, and some of it BS. Ultimately, you have to decide whether it's relevant to you and your circumstances.

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We even have some good TG books in our local library. It's fun seeing the reactions of the librarians when borrowing these books, especially since there are a couple of fairly obvious gay & lesbian librarians. Getting sneered at by an effeminate gay librarian when you're borrowing a TG book is priceless. :)

Robin

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Originally Posted by older not wiser

I went to your site and was amazed at the volume of material that was there. I also looked at your pics and found them to be of a beautiful woman.

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Thanks, BonnieAnne, for the compliment. Although I don't consider myself "beautiful," I have been told many times by other TG's that I make a "good presentation" - which includes not only my looks, but also my voice, mannerisms, and movement. I now consider this to be both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, I was astonished to discover how good I looked as a woman (when I began experimenting 3 1/2 years ago, after abstaining for 30 years). As an amateur actor, I was pleased and proud of my ability to create a convincing female character. I was eager for opportunities to display my skill. However, I was able to perform in drag in only one show per year during the past three years. Therefore, I had to find other occasions to be Maggie - including going out in public and attending TG support group meetings every month. I loved these experiences. Being Maggie relieved the stress, depression, and chest pains that were bothering me at the time. I began to identify strongly with other TGs. On various TG forums, I was urged to embrace the fact that I was transgender and to stop being in "denial." After a while, I began to believe I really was TG.

Central to my enjoyment of crossdressing was the fact that I liked my appearance as a woman and that I was able to "pass" in public. I get no pleasure from simply being a "man in a dress." If my success at female impersonation had not facilitated my fantasies, I don't think I would have continued. I would not have grasped at crossdressing as an escape from the frustrations of my male existence. Instead, I might have found more constructive ways to confront and deal with my frustrations. Perhaps I would not now be going through a separation from my wife. (Or perhaps I would, but for different reasons.)

Because of my experience, I will be more cautious about encouraging other M2F crossdressers to "accept" themselves as being transgendered. While I have no doubt that this may be good advice for many CDers, it might not be appropriate for others, such as myself.

Although I may have had some predisposition toward transgenderism, I now believe that my immediate problem was that the expression of my true masculine essence had become blocked on many levels. Consequently, I had come to experience manhood as simply a phony macho facade. Compared to this, expressing myself as Maggie felt far more genuine and satisfying.

Now that I am working to unblock my masculine side, I am starting to feel the same kind of authenticity and satisfaction as a man that I enjoyed as Maggie. This development has also relieved my depression and chest pains. I am now glad that I did not decide to transition or go any further with crossdressing than I already had.

Remember, I am speaking only for myself. I am not advocating anything for anybody else. I am only sharing this personal perspective in case someone might find it appropriate to their own situation.

Thanks again for all your support and good wishes.

Maggie