One of the prices you pay for crossdressing
:sad:Hi everyone! I haven't been around here for several days. My wife stumbled across some of my Lisa clothing last week while trying to hide Christmas presents in the attic. She knew that I had my things stored up there in 3 or 4 very hard to reach places but she ventured into one of those, saw bags she had never seen and curiosity killed the cat once again. Now, she's seen some of my clothes before but this one bag had my breast forms and a couple of wigs in there. She'd only seen the clothing and this was more than she could stand......the straw that broke the camel's back! We had seen a great therapist last year over this and the clothing and my dressing need had been discussed openly with the therapist. The forms and wigs had been talked about as well but she didn't remember that and SEEING them was the final blow......the last and final realization that I can't extract Lisa from my persona no matter what and she definitely will never go away! I now know she only grudgingly tolerated that I dressed and underdressed and as long as it was not discussed or she didn't accidentally come across something I may have forgotten to put up or across a collection of items such as this particular one it was "out of sight, out of mind" for her. She never truly accepted that Lisa was a part of me and the therapist only provided a band aid over what was obviously a gaping wound that will never heal. She also would never discuss any of this with just me when we were alone.
There are other issues in this mix so it was not this one single thing that will end the relationship but I'm now contemplating a split-up and probable divorce somewhere in my future......after 30 years together! There's been a lot of unhappy, ugly water under the bridge since her first "discovery" many years ago and two other subsequent therapist sessions where I was ordered to "Get it fixed or else" and told this was my problem and she didn't have any problems and would not be talking with either of those therapists because I needed to be fixed, not her, and she would never accept any alternative. Looking back, I missed the sign way back then that she wanted absolutely no part of me physically or "mentally" dressed in her eyes or mind by her complete unwillingness to discuss it with me or the therapist and try to look for compromises or set up house rules. I realize she had rejected me for who I was then but for whatever reason either chose to refuse to believe it and push it out of her mind or not seek separation in "hopes" that it was a passing ugly "phase" or experimentation that would play itself out. That I never told her before we married and she "found out" later left her feeling cheated out of a better life and a relationship with a "real" man as she has put it to me several times.
The "cheated out of" part I fully accept responsibility for and have nothing but deep sorrow and shame if I've truly done that to her. I kept this part of me from her so I lied and betrayed her and fully accept the blame for that. Believe me, any future relationship attempt, if any, will include a full, up-front disclosure of my imperfections so there will be no misunderstandings of who I am and the person they will be getting!!!!!!!!!
Sorry my friends.......I know this is not the most pleasant of posts and a real downer but if I couldn't share this experience with y'all, I would literally explode. Thank you all for listening and supporting. Your friendship means the world to me.
Love
I love these whose fault is it posts!!!!
Ok. Put me up for a stoning now will you. I know there are a lot of us in similar positions but on this part I am really strong on.
Lisa, you said that this has been a problem for years and you keep sweeping it under the carpet at your SO's request? You both keep seeing therapists until you find one who agrees with her? YOU agreed to keep your "stuff" hidden and out of sight, never to be mentioned? She wants you "fixed"?
Why, oh why, do we keep blaming ourselves when we TRY to do whats right? Even when it goes pear shaped, it's always OUR fault and we always appologise for it? You have acknowledged you are not doing this to get at her - it's something inside you that drives you? SHE cannot understand or even tolerate what is going on.
The stoning part!!!!! It is a crying shame that you both took 30 years to come to the same conclusion that could have taken place years ago. What a waste........
I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if she can't understand or love you as you are - warts and all, then you shouldn't be together. If your relationship is built on lies and deceit, then you should not be together. Ouch.
The problem here is that you tried to please her and hide your real self. The other problem is that you were successful for so long. I am not blaming her for her reaction - everybody has their limits on what they can live with. I am not blaming you - you were just trying to please her at your own expense. The real problem is that you both tried to deny a part of you that have found you could not live without and she can't live with.
I am a great advocate of openness and honesty. Even if it hurts. If you AGREE to keep this part of your personality hidden from your SO and she understands that this is a part of you and a need that she cannot satisfy, then that is being open and honest. It is not deception when you BOTH agree to keep it under wraps. She does not have to take part, but the relationship will suffer if she does not consent. If you are sneaking around and seeking personal satisfaction WITHOUT you partners willing consent - then you might as well be having an affair, "raping babies", murdering people>>>>>
Well, I for one, hope that there can be a happy ending to this dilemma. I can't see it though, but my heart and thoughts are with you both.
At the very worst, I hope you can both remain friends.
Why do I feel so strongly on this - been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it. Our marriage wasn't wasted, but it could have been so much better. I was in denial and she was happy for me to be there.
And Stephanie - it's not fair to say that you would give up Stephanie in a heartbeat if your wife asked you to and we should all follow that action - there is a very good reason why she gave you the bra and panties my friend. We are not all so lucky.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Portia
Both of you should be more honest...
In the HBO series, "Six Feet Under" David's ex-fiancee confronts him about his not being honest with her, all along, about his homosexuality. She is very bitter about this and he ducks her abuse several times - while feeling horrible about having been dishonest. Finally, however, he has his moment where he tells her, "I'm sorry I lied to you. But, the fact is, I was lying to myself too." Bingo.
As many comment in these forums, it's important to get over feeling awful about what you do in life and beating yourself up for (perhaps odd) things you just clearly like to do. You are not raping babies or driving drunk; you are pursing a quiet interest and exploring several gentle paths as you discover more and more about yourself. It's hard, at first, to share these things, because it seems like something that can't be shared. But, the other side of that is that the time you spend on your pursuits is time taken away from other things. That quiet theft of time and eroding of trust, (Where were you?) is what does the most harm.
The most hurtful thing about all this is not that you're doing "odd things," - everyone does something odd. No, the most hurtful thing is you're doing odd things and spending so much time and energy trying to keep them secret. Why? Do the "cost benefit" analysis and chose, if you want to put it this way, "the lesser of two evils." Better to be a crossdresser than a liar. As for what David said, "Lying to myself..." learn more, not less, about yourself and your pursuits so that you can work this aspect of your life into your entire life with others. You have the right to be a bit odd, you rarely have the right to be deceptive.
I think you wrote that she knew about the dressing and maybe the breast forms too. But, that you kept hiding things. That really makes no sense - it just sets someone (everyone) up for some upset down the road, as it did when she came across your things. Duh. If it is, then it is... Around here, if I get an idea to do something, I mention it first and then I go do it. My SO can respond anyway she likes when I tell her - and sometimes she comes up with an even better idea! But, having stated my goal, I then, barring a better idea, go ahead and do what I said I was going to do. We've talked about "me" many times and I am honest and deliberate in ALL the things that I do. If, for example, I say, "Let's go see your Dad on Monday" - my idea - I am at the door with my keys in hand on Monday.
Be consistent in providing for a happy relationship, as you both define it, and I think anyone can get better results. Keeping things to yourself, not communicating, not keeping each person's interests in mind while tending to "our" relationship, just leads to disappointment, misunderstanding, "surprises," and unhappiness. Who needs that?
And, bottom line, if you need a pickup truck instead of a sedan, or just anything with four wheels that runs better than what you have, then change vehicles if you must.
Chose better, not bitter.
Good luck.
One of the prices you pay for crossdressing
Many of us have gone through the same crisis. If its to the point that she needs a divorse then there were other problems in the marriage. If both of you were truely in love, then this would be just another little bump in the marriage. Unless ofcourse you wanted complete acceptance with allowing her to show her feelings.
