Suffering from FIG?

[Hell on Heels]

Forum Induced Guilt is what I'm talking about here.
Before joining the forum I was perfectly content with my life, and that certainly included my CD'ing. Shortly after joining I read a thread on "lying to your SO"
No infection yet! As I continue to explore my CD'ing, reading, learning, and realizing I am fully vested in it, more threads keep popping up covering the same topic.
This is where the infection started. Yesterday I read 2 different threads which sent me in opposite directions on weather or not to make the big reveal. I thought I should stay away from reading any more of these threads and try to figure it out on my own. Well, the forum is usually such a great resource, and I found myself looking for more info on the topic, The infection is spreading even faster now!
My question here is for those of you that made the reveal to your SO's AFTER joining the forum. Do any of you feel you were pressured into the reveal?
and also are there any other members who feel they may be suffering from FIG?
Much Love,
Kristyn

I'd really like to just hear from those that came to the forum with a preexisting relationship, but were closeted, and made the reveal to the same SO, otherwise the thread will get filled with too many unrelated posts. Thanks.

[Alice B]

Told my wife as soon as I realized it was something I wanted to explore. Then learned about this site from a friend.

[Caden Lane]

I've been a member of various chat rooms and msg boards over the years. During that time, I've seen a lot of new members and even older members who seemed inundated by the wonderful positive coming out stories, and felt compelled to come out on their own. Or the positive posts only reinforced those cds desire to come out. There are various ways to look at it.

I don't see it as forum induced guilt. Just desire to be accepted and understood. Its easy to to read the positive stories and yearn for the same.

[Caden Lane]

If it helps HoH, my GF knew only of my fondness of lingerie when I first came to the forum. Shortly after coming here, I told her of my desire to go out dressed. I'm not entirely clear if it was from being here, I'm thinking more or less it was based on my desire to have everything out in the open.

[mykell]

i know the threads, here was my response in one.

Morally, ethically, philosophically, judgmentally, shoes and dresses this group should know one size does not fit all,

i had the pleasure to post after katey888's eloquent reply, thought it would end it,

i felt your emotions in that thread, in a similar thread in December i felt riddled with guilt from some of the posts, it was the first and only time i didnt feel comfortable here. ”post quick reply” good thing I didn’t, they were filled with anger and I probably would’ve been banned.
why would we judge someone for their personal decision, some who were up front with they’re SO’s who new nothing of our tortured mental aguish with this decision.

I don’t know why its so cut and dry for some. This is not a planned deceit.

Sometimes I think of it like alcoholism,
Did I tell her before we wed, no, I was in denial, I thought I had it under control, and it causes more turmoil in relationships.

Or maybe gambling, im sorry we lost the house and were living at the Y, im sorry I didn’t tell before we married, I never wanted to put you through this.

So, for me it was a combination of things FIG , maybe a little, but forum induced pink euphoria, a certain expectance that all will work out the way I wish,look at all these positive posts, the other, my pop passed away everyone going through his stuff. What would you like, were going to take this.

No, my passing and my mrs. Finding my s**t and im not there to assure her I never cheated, she does not have to worry about any STDs, was I out hanging around rest stops on the highways, hell no, that’s not how I want her to find out, so I decided to tell, waited to do it on my terms.

Again this was the hardest thing ive ever done !!!!!
Their is no guarantee of a favorable outcome and once the words cross your lips there is no reset or delete button. Those that choose to have family, financial as well as the matrimonial risks associated with their decision and its very personal and life changing.

So I hope this is the answer you were looking for, if anyone would like tips about telling just PM me and I will support you in any way I can. Sorry for the verbose reply…..

its personal, you have to do whats best for you.....

[Tracii G]

I see that happen a lot and only you will know when the time is right.
Just another form of peer pressure.

[Jaylyn]

All though my wife knew before we were married that I was attracted to certain women's apparel, I feel that you can pick up some great advice here on the great forum but also use your common sense about it. Every outing is different to a different person. Each receptor of that information does not fit the same mold. Only you will have to feel if it is right to let them in on your secret or not. I can say though that truthfulness is mandatory when you choose the time. It has to be from the heart with love and don't just lay it out there in a stress related time. Slip into it when the time is right be observant and gradually enter into the conversation. Do it in love and not a mandatory commanding attitude. I suggest and asked this question on here once put yourself in their heels. " How would you feel if she came to you and said she wanted to start looking like a guy all the time?" What if she wanted to tarns to one? Do every thing in love after all they are and should be a part of your soul as in soulmate.

[Donna Joanne]

HoH,

I'm not sure if it's so much Forum Induced Guilt as it is Forum Encouraged Hope. We all read stories of how someone told their wife/girlfriend/significant other and they were accepting and loving and embraced the TS/CD with loving open arms and "they lived happily ever after".

Only you know your circumstances and your partner. And sometimes no one can tell how someone will react to a revelation like that. But please consider not only what you are doing, but why as well. In my experience, guilt is usually not a very good reason to do things, especially something as big and life changing as coming out.

I personally would love to be able to "come out of the storage shed" but I know the damage it would do to my wife and family at this time far outweigh any benefits I would personally gain. I still love her and them more than I love me.

Just my two cents worth. Praying for wisdom for you as you continue your journey.

[Jenniferathome]

Kristyn, I came out after joining. I didn't feel pressure, I felt release. The conclusion I reached is that it was possible to tell one's wife and have a happy marriage.

I adamantly disagree with those that say a marriage can or will end because of cross dressing. Any healthy marriage or relationship can survive this. However, if cross dressing is just one more thing in an already weak relationship, it could be the ender. Cross dressing alone is not a killer, it's just a thing that needs discussion and boundaries.

[Maggie O'neal]

I too came out after joining. I agree with Jennifer. No pressure , it just helped me gain the confidence to do it . Now I wish I had years before !

[Dani0948]

When I first joined the forum, I had never thought of telling my wife. I did feel some encouragement to tell, but have resisted because my wife just doesn't need to know at this point in her life. I know some will say it's a cop-out, but I have to consider her first. I still hope to tell/reveal in the fall (after our daughter's wedding), but will still have to make a last minute decision based on her health.
If you've been in the closet for a long time and feel pressure to reveal stop and remember what many members say "each situation is unique". Once you;ve had a chance to weigh all the possible outcomes, you can make the decision that is best for you and your wife.

[Katey888]

Kristyn, I came out after joining. I didn't feel pressure, I felt release. The conclusion I reached is that it was possible to tell one's wife and have a happy marriage.

Jennifer - the conclusion I reach from your experience is either:
- it was possible to tell your wife and have a happy marriage. OR
- it may be possible to tell one's wife and have a happy marriage.
While I appreciate your perspective I don't believe you can generalise based on your own unique experience... and

However, if crossed resign is just one more thing in an already weak relationship, it could be the ender.

I'll confess to not having the strongest marriage in the world - I suspect that many others have weaknesses in their relationships too... personally I would rather sustain a relationship with some issues than reveal another that might be an 'ender' - I'd hope that you're not suggesting everyone with a weak marriage and an embarrassing secret should press the self-destruct button willingly just to improve the average quality of surviving marriages? Relationships, in my experience, are full of compromises - this is just one, albeit a big one, but I'll bet there are bigger...

And to answer the OPs second question - do I feel that I suffer FIG?
Yes – I have felt a degree of FIG. It’s probably more accurate to acknowledge that while external factors (like the forum) may influence it, the pressure and the feeling (whether that be guilt or anything else) is always self-generated.

It is easy to be carried along by the euphoria felt by and communicated by others who have been successful with their SO; to think – the way humans do – that you will be the lucky one in ten in the ‘Reveal All Lottery’! And not the unlucky remainder – whatever the proportion may actually be…

But I’ve never been much of a gambler – not with odds like that, anyway – and the craving that we all so have to be accepted has to be curbed and kept under control for a bit longer; maybe a lot longer. And Prudence again brings her beautiful demeanour back into normal life.

And I tip my hat to Mikell's earlier eloquence here, and also Tracii’s succinctness – “Just another form of peer pressure.” is spot on.

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

I find that I reflect on some of my shortcomings after reading what goes into the forums each day.

[Jorja]

Actually, I suffer from LFIGN = Lack of Fig Newtons

[Wildaboutheels]

"and also are there any other members who feel they may be suffering from FIG?"

No, not at all. But there have been many newbies here who have arrived at the Forum and quickly succumbed to FIC. Forum Induced Courage.

And spilled the beans to their SO.

With disastrous results. Undoubtedly, thanks to some of the silly Forum Dinos who insist that ALL CDers are the same, and that ALL CDers must dress in a certain way. And that ALL CDers must ACT in a certain way. And that ALL CDers should/must...

I find this line of thought baffling. I have to wonder if some people think ALL men are the same. Or ALL women?

Both? Neither? Or ONLY CDers?

It's really not complicated for anyone who can do basic math.

ALL CDers are Human.

ALL Humans are unique.

Therefor, a One Size Fits All Attitude is both illogical and incorrect.

[Jenniferathome]

...I'd hope that you're not suggesting everyone with a weak marriage and an embarrassing secret should press the self-destruct button willingly just to improve the average quality of surviving marriages? ...

No Katey, I made no such suggestion. In fact, it should be read as a warning. Work on the marriage first. Any healthy marriage can survive this revelation.

[BeckyRiven]

New forum. New terms. Never heard of that before.

[PaulaQ]

Any healthy marriage can survive this revelation.

Unfortunately, this just isn't true. It presumes that all women are equally able to be flexible in their views of gender, gender roles, and even sometimes sexuality. This is simply not the case. And some of the marriages that do "survive" this process - I'm looking at you "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", strike me as distinctly UNHEALTHY.

A person would do well to understand their situation with their spouse, and their marriage to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, no benchmark really exists for "healthy marriage," so even if your assertion is true, Jennifer, there's no real way for a person to tell whether or not their marriage is "healthy enough."

I think the ethics of this situation are pretty blurry - people often don't react with great fairness to the revelation of cross dressing. It's getting better - but we aren't there yet. Being punished harshly for being honest about something that's more often than not relatively minor doesn't really encourage much honesty, now does it.

Of course if you don't tell, and you get caught, your marriage can end on the spot.

What an awesome and fun moral dilemma, huh?

But don't worry HellOnHeels - if you do tell your wife, and she leaves you, there are puh-lenty of folks here who'll tell you how much your marriage sucked, and that this is all your fault in any case. That's certainly been my experience here. It's really funny - my marriage of 17 years, a marriage that had weathered many storms and was the one our friends were CERTAIN would never end, ended in about 4 months after I came out to my wife as transgender. But I had plenty of folks who know neither me, my wife, nor our marriage tell me how awful it was anyway, and that we were just doomed.

Oh - and to answer the question you originally asked in your OP, HellOnHeels, I did not feel pressured by anyone on this forum to come out to my wife. I felt pressure because I was so miserable, and so suicidal that I feared I'd do something rash, and my poor wife would find me dead. She had to know - there was no ethical alternative in my mind, it was just too serious of a situation to not tell her. So I did, understanding that there was a great chance my marriage might end, and rather rapidly too, not because it was a bad marriage - it wasn't - but because my wife really hates weak men, and sister, you just don't get weaker in her eyes than a man in a dress. (She also doesn't like most women - so I knew the feminine parts of my personality were likely the parts she never liked. She confirmed that as the truth, too.)

[trisha kobichenko]

Well, running the risk of filling the thread with unrelated posts--I came out to my SO when she observed a lot of my online research on crossdressing and thought I was having some sort of affair. I found this site after that, searching for some help in understanding urges and desires that had 'plagued' me since childhood. Bottom line for me--guilt was my constant companion from age 8. I felt a great relief after revealing my real self to my SO, but it has also 'revealed' issues that need to be dealt with.
If after joining the site you were feeling pressure to come out to your SO, it might be that guilt (culturally imposed, granted) rather than being induced by the forum, was just rising to the surface.
Hugs,
Trisha

[KristyE]

Strong happy marriage, 34 years. I came out to my wife last year before I found you gals. I thought my wife would have my back but all sorts of hell broke loose. You just never know. My marriage was good and still is but our thing has put a strain on it I never saw coming. Such is life.
Love KristyE

[Marcelle]

Hey Krystin,

You are certainly not alone in this. I came out to my wife before I joined (took 24 years though) but I have seen many gals post and seek advice about telling their wives to receive all sorts of "sunshine, lollipops and unicorn advice" about how things are so much nicer in Narnia . . . "Step through the wardrobe, tell her and all will be right and well". For some it went well, others disappeared from the forum . . . so we can assume things did not go well.

I think the problem lies in how posts are interpreted. There is a marked difference when a gal comes out and tells about her supportive SO or about telling her wife and things go great. Those are feel good moments which I am sure they want to share not to be facetious or judgemental but to garner a show of support in a very happy and life changing moment. However, I have seen an undertone in some posts of "Shame, Shame . . . Liar, Liar pants on fire" for not telling your wife immediately. Heck I didn't even understand it until it came crashing down on my head last August . . . so how was I going to tell my wife. I started a thread early in my time here "I get it, we like to our SOs . . . but please http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ase&highlight= which addressed my thoughts on this.

IMHO, this is not a "cookie cutter, one size fits all" decision. What works for one gal may not for others and once that bell is rung, you cannot go back and say . . . Hah . . . just kidding, psyche!" We all have to weigh many variables (what we can stand to loose, gain, timing) and each of our circumstances are different.

All this to say sweetie, don't get dragged into FIG. I think for the most part the post are what they are . . . feel good moments with not other intention but to share a great moment, no different from "hey check out my new outfit". As for the posts which attempt to induce FIG, I ignore them because they can do more harm than good.

My two cents . . . sorry for the ramble.

Hugs

Isha

[Caden Lane]

I couldn't help but chuckle at "our thing." Made me think of the La Cosa Nostra, or "this thing of ours" or also translated to "our thing." Maybe it should be La Cosa Crossdressing Nostra... Meh, back on topic.

I still tend to think that newbs come here and are bolstered emotionally by the support and stories they read and feel that they can accomplish what others have. I'm not certain where the forum Dino's argument comes into play. As nobody here ever suggested that all CDs are the same. In fact quite the opposite, especially considering the thread where someone posited the question of how some TS persons could treat CDs so shabbily.