I don't know where to go from here.

[Elizabethcdt]

Hi all - thanks for reading. I'm new here, so I really appreciate it. I would love some thoughts/advice about my current situation.

Apologies if this sort of thing has been asked/talked about before. I'm a long time crossdresser. Since about the age of 12. I grew up in a very conservative area and went through so many of things that others have...getting caught, dealing with shame, purging, coming back to it, purging again, etc. I'm also bisexual as well, so there's aspect too. I've been beating myself up about this other side of me for about 30 years now. Absolutely hating myself. Due to that I've dealt with a lot of depression and melancholy through my life, but been able to hide it pretty well...especially from my wife of 5 years.

About a year ago I started seeing a therapist due to some other issues in my life, and things have definitely improved overall because of it. However, about 2 months ago I was having a really hard time and just opened up and told her all about my sexual and gender identity issues. With her guidance I was finally able to sit down and tell my wife about it. She was shocked, and her first reaction was that she was worried that I was actually gay and wanted to be a woman. I assured her that was not the case, and after talking it out, she was very supportive. We talked about everything, and she said perhaps we could even dress up together. I was over the moon. I felt even more in love with her.

Fast forward a little bit and I expressed I was interested in shaving my legs. I have super hairy legs and it has always bothered me. Arms too, but I just wanted to take things slow so as not to freak out my wife. She was supportive for the most part and even suggested some techniques to shave and remove my hair. So one night I finally did it. It felt awesome. It kinda felt like I had freed myself of some sort of shackles.

Then my wife saw my legs. I could instantly tell by the look on her face she was not pleased. We talked about it and she said it would just take her time to get used to it. Then days later she told me she doesn't like it and she's not attracted to that. She told me she's attracted to the typical signs of being male...and that includes hair on my body. We both agreed that our differing desires are conceptually silly because we're both reacting to norms that society sets up, but regardless we can't help the way we each feel. Since then we've had numerous other conversations about it and she is now extremely upset. She feels like she lost something in all of this because she thought we had a rock solid relationship with no secrets, and she's realized she's not attracted to that side of me. She has told me over and over again that she wants me to do what makes me happy, but that I need to understand that she may not be able continue this journey with me if that happens.

So now I'm kinda feeling like I'm back where I started. I regret telling her because all it has done has brought pain into the equation. That over-the-moon feeling has been replaced with regret and frustration because my wife is not interested in this other side of me at all. I am extremely open-minded and know that there's nothing wrong with any of this, but I can't get around the fact that it hurts my wife and makes her less attracted to me. I understand that she can't help the way she feels about it all. So I've been sadly watching my leg hair grow back and trying to just push forward. I don't want to dress all the time, but I can't help when that desire hits...which has definitely been more lately. I was just really excited to be able explore openly and not hate myself. I've tried to ignore this side of me for so long and I know that will never work. It always comes back. I see my therapist again soon, so hopefully I can make a little more headway, but I'd also love to hear from others who have dealt with these sorts of things. Any thoughts or advice for me? Thank you.

[Chelsea B]

You need to take it very slow with your wife, as do most of us. It has nothing to do with how much she loves you. You need to put yourself in her mindset and understand how she probably feels about the man she married, that she didn't know about this aspect of you before she married you (the deceit is something never to discount. It often makes it very difficult to maintain trust young forward). The more you take large unilateral steps, the more she will recoil. Find a balance.

[marshalynn]

Elizabeth, You have had thirty plus years to try to figure this out and you are still working on the answer. She has had her world turned up side down, you are a different person in her eyes now. You want her to understand you in a few months, can't happen. I know the crossdressing will never go away, it is you in your brain and it will always be there. Let the hair grow back for awhile, take it very slow with your wife, let her know you are the person she has always loved, the male and female you, her husband. She loves you, or you would be out the door now. Take the time and let your lives settle down with her new knowledge, see where it goes. After some time, work out some dressing time for yourself with her or in private you will need it. How would you like her to show up all hairy and dressed as a man, it would take time to get use to. Marshalynn

[Micki_Finn]

I would disagree with Tracii. Just because she's less physically attracted to you the more feminine you make youself doesn't necessarily mean she's transphobic.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My own wife has made it clear that she's not really sexually attracted to me when I'm en femme, which I can live with and respect, but I think the feelings of loss of attraction scared her a bit too. She was finally able to reconcile her own emotions that she was able to understand that even though she wasn't attracted to me at times, she still loved me the same.

We also compromise. For example she hates me clean shaven and prefers stubble, so I'll shave on days I get dressed and go out, and the rest of the week I'll let the stubble grow back. Just like everything else in marriage you have to find a balance between your needs. You do need to take things slow. I sense a lot of uncertainty from you about your own identity. This is normal, but if you're not even sure how these aspects of yourself fit into your life, imagine how tenuous the situation must feel for your wife. You're going through a journey right now and she doesn't even know if you'll be the same person she fell in love with at the end of that journey.

The best you can do is simply include her in your journey as much as she is comfortable with, take it SLOW, and respect her wishes when she says slow down or stop. It sounds like she's trying her best and I'll bet that she won't make those requests lightly. Your marriage and your identity are two different balls that you're juggling right now, and it's going to take a lot of work to keep both balls in the air. It's hard work and can take a toll emotionally and mentally, but when you can get it to work it's totally worth it.

[Rachael Leigh]

Elizabeth, our wives can be difficult on this subject without question. So many of us deal with this alone, and so does your
wife. It's not like she can confide in a girlfriend about this so she has to hold her feelings before she then finally takes it out
on you. She's fighting wither or not if she was attracted to this is she somehow bi also because you look feminine.
My advice get her to come with you to your counselor. You need to work through this together if you both want this
relationship to work
Blessings Rachael

[Teresa]

Elizabeth,
First question is your wife prepared to have joint visits to your therapist ? Assuming your therapist is also dealing with your CDing/gender issues.

Some say you are rushing the situation, maybe you are but most of us have been in the situation of taking one step forward and two steps back . Our wives/partners are all different some will accept certain aspects while others won't so it's hard to give exact advice on that , my wife didn't even notice my shaved legs until she nagged me to put some shorts on then i had to point out my hair had been shaved off. She wasn't happy ut never asked me to stop, now she doesn't take any notice , my family and grandchildren have all seen them and there hasn't been a problem . The odd thing is neither of my brother in laws have hairy legs but no one questions their manhood, if you had little or no hair naturally would you wife have refused to marry you ?

The regrets about coming out is a difficult one, not to say anything means you continue to lie and deceive her until the day she finds out so which situation is the worse one to live with ? It's a no win situation apart from you are on the road to understanding and accepting yourself , some can comfortably live in the closet but to me it was like solitary confinement eventually the cork had to burst to relieve the suppression . I fully understand your comment about the feeling of closeness . One question on that point is do you or did you share your wife's clothes ? To me it was a very intimate feeling , my wife thought I only wanted her for her clothes but the sharing brought a closeness . I've since found that that it is all to do with AGP, (Autogynephilia, which means to love oneself as a woman ) , unlike you I'm not bisexual , I'm OK with normal relationships with women but the dressing brings my female side into it with a heightened attraction, I describe as feeling like a male lesbian , it's not an accepted term but that's how it feels inside.

You must try and be open and honest with your therapist as possible, they can only guide you through this by knowing all the aspects even your dreams can play a part , I recounted my long term dreams from childhood when my CDing first started and it did help with my gender counsellors suggestions .

It is unfortunate in my case but after 43 years of marriage we are going to separate , after my counselling we realised the gap between my needs and my wife's acceptance level is too great , we tried to work with a compromise but since going out socially we both concluded I need to dress more than she is prepared to accept.

Many wives can come round given time , I'm surprised how many accompany their CDing partners to my social meetings, so please don't give up and never say never ! I never believed I would ever be out to the World but it has happened and I do feel comfortable with it and does feel good . My wife and children know and are OK about it but it has meant living apart but amicably so .

[Elizabethcdt]

I would disagree with Tracii. Just because she's less physically attracted to you the more feminine you make youself doesn't necessarily mean she's transphobic.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My own wife has made it clear that she's not really sexually attracted to me when I'm en femme, which I can live with and respect, but I think the feelings of loss of attraction scared her a bit too. She was finally able to reconcile her own emotions that she was able to understand that even though she wasn't attracted to me at times, she still loved me the same.

We also compromise. For example she hates me clean shaven and prefers stubble, so I'll shave on days I get dressed and go out, and the rest of the week I'll let the stubble grow back. Just like everything else in marriage you have to find a balance between your needs. You do need to take things slow. I sense a lot of uncertainty from you about your own identity. This is normal, but if you're not even sure how these aspects of yourself fit into your life, imagine how tenuous the situation must feel for your wife. You're going through a journey right now and she doesn't even know if you'll be the same person she fell in love with at the end of that journey.

The best you can do is simply include her in your journey as much as she is comfortable with, take it SLOW, and respect her wishes when she says slow down or stop. It sounds like she's trying her best and I'll bet that she won't make those requests lightly. Your marriage and your identity are two different balls that you're juggling right now, and it's going to take a lot of work to keep both balls in the air. It's hard work and can take a toll emotionally and mentally, but when you can get it to work it's totally worth it.

If I could hug you right now I would. I really appreciate your post. I agree with your assessment - I don't think my wife is transphobic either. I think it's more along the lines of how yours feels. I also agree that I need to stop feeling so dire about it in the moment and realize it's a process and to take it slow. It's hard sometimes to realize that it's not something that can be solved in a day, week, or even a month. You're right - I've always been uncertain about my identity. I'm hoping that with some work I'll get there. Thank you. ❤️

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Elizabeth,
First question is your wife prepared to have joint visits to your therapist ? Assuming your therapist is also dealing with your CDing/gender issues.

Some say you are rushing the situation, maybe you are but most of us have been in the situation of taking one step forward and two steps back . Our wives/partners are all different some will accept certain aspects while others won't so it's hard to give exact advice on that , my wife didn't even notice my shaved legs until she nagged me to put some shorts on then i had to point out my hair had been shaved off. She wasn't happy ut never asked me to stop, now she doesn't take any notice , my family and grandchildren have all seen them and there hasn't been a problem . The odd thing is neither of my brother in laws have hairy legs but no one questions their manhood, if you had little or no hair naturally would you wife have refused to marry you ?

The regrets about coming out is a difficult one, not to say anything means you continue to lie and deceive her until the day she finds out so which situation is the worse one to live with ? It's a no win situation apart from you are on the road to understanding and accepting yourself , some can comfortably live in the closet but to me it was like solitary confinement eventually the cork had to burst to relieve the suppression . I fully understand your comment about the feeling of closeness . One question on that point is do you or did you share your wife's clothes ? To me it was a very intimate feeling , my wife thought I only wanted her for her clothes but the sharing brought a closeness . I've since found that that it is all to do with AGP, (Autogynephilia, which means to love oneself as a woman ) , unlike you I'm not bisexual , I'm OK with normal relationships with women but the dressing brings my female side into it with a heightened attraction, I describe as feeling like a male lesbian , it's not an accepted term but that's how it feels inside.

You must try and be open and honest with your therapist as possible, they can only guide you through this by knowing all the aspects even your dreams can play a part , I recounted my long term dreams from childhood when my CDing first started and it did help with my gender counsellors suggestions .

It is unfortunate in my case but after 43 years of marriage we are going to separate , after my counselling we realised the gap between my needs and my wife's acceptance level is too great , we tried to work with a compromise but since going out socially we both concluded I need to dress more than she is prepared to accept.

Many wives can come round given time , I'm surprised how many accompany their CDing partners to my social meetings, so please don't give up and never say never ! I never believed I would ever be out to the World but it has happened and I do feel comfortable with it and does feel good . My wife and children know and are OK about it but it has meant living apart but amicably so .

So sorry to hear that you two are separating, but also happy that you’re in a place of happiness and acceptance. No matter what happens, that’s where I’d like to get as well. No, I haven’t shared clothing with her. She’s a bit smaller than me, so size-wise it wouldn’t work, and I wouldn’t want to cross those boundaries. I’ll keep addressing the situation slowly and try to stop rushing things. Thank you so much.

[Rogina B]

I am coming at this from a "full time TG" point of view. I am a good provider,a good parent,just not a great husband.. Two out of three isn't bad.. You can spend all your spare change on Dr Costalot,or you can accept the situation and make the best of it.

[raeleen]

Hi Elizabeth, I just came across your post on another site and commented there, but thought I'd chime in here too.

I think micki's advice is totally solid. take it slow. move with your wife on this journey and try to be really open and communicative with her. I am in a similar space with my wife around body hair, and she's expressed that she's just not attracted to my being smooth. It's been tough and we haven't figured out what we're going to do.

It really ultimately might mean compromise on some things and not on others. the hair is really just one small example of the bigger challenge. Your changing relationship. If it's not the hair on your legs, it might be a style of clothing, or the desire to be out meeting friends. Your own needs might change too as you become more comfortable, and that will bring up new challenges. You're both growing and moving along a path, and the path might diverge. However if you're patient with each other, hopefully the path comes back together, or at least moves in parallel.

You've got lots of support here though. We might not have the answers or agree on the best solution, but we are here to help.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hello Elizabeth

Having the initial conversation is the hardest part and it's nice to see that you are talking. You have to keep in mind that you have had 30 years to fret,ponder and think about it with the help of a therapist and your wife has had less then a year. Expect a lot of question and back and forth feeling on her part. You may want to consider inviting her here to join the FAB section and to get some additional information. My wife, then gf lurked on here for over a year reading and asking me questions.

You wrote that:

"We both agreed that our differing desires are conceptually silly because we're both reacting to norms that society sets up, but regardless we can't help the way we each feel. Since then we've had numerous other conversations about it and she is now extremely upset."

It sounds like something has changed with your conversations. Are you forcing the subject ? Not giving her the space to process ? Sometimes a spouse just needs time to process, work through the emotions.

Put your self in her shoes, How would you feel if she came home one day and said to you, I like to wear cowboy boots, jeans, jockey underwear,flannel shirts and will be growing a beard?

Some people may not have a problem with it, but if you really think about it, it may change your outlook.

[jennifer0918]

I would follow her advice, and do what makes me happy. I can not force this on her and she can not force me to change, because with all the purge I'm sure I was born this way.

[faltenrock]

Your story sounds so familiar to most of us, who are married or in a longtime relationship with a woman.
I'm married as well and my wife has the same problems dealing with it. In our case, that doesn't disappear through time. <My wife tolerates my needs when I go away for a day or two to dress up and go public, but she does NOT like it and she does not accept - only tolerates with difficulties.
However that's our agreement, never dressing around her or around our home town.

While going out on a regular basis, I've met quite a number or women who I talked to or they started talking to me. The dressing has been an issue almost with every woman. All of them expressed their respect for me and my presentation - however almost all of them told me, they would not be able to deal with crossdressing in their own relationship with a man.
No matter how tolerant a woman or person might be, when it comes to the personal life and gets close to one person, things get more difficult and complicated.

I wish you and your wife good luck and take much time....