Wishing you were a woman vs gender dysphoria

[Teresa]

JulesLynne ,
I wonder if we can wish to be a woman without GD ? Maybe it is a personal point of view but knowing GD is my driving force it's not so much wishing to be a woman as being compelled by GD .

Perhaps we should drop the labels so the confusion over where we do pose the question isn't a problem .

I feel part of your question is from a CDer's perspective but you do admit that yourself , talking of the perfect woman in cute outfits isn't the RW , very few of us do reside on pedestals but that's where many CDers place women living a perfect lifestyle .

Being and admitting you're TG is wonderful for me now but you have to be free to discover it , there's nothing scary about it but if you genuinely live your life 90% as a guy you may never discover what lies beyond days of pink fog and wearing heels and cute clothes . I will add the clothes are part of the equation as they are for most GGs , it's a matter of learning what is appropriate tempered with what style you choose to appear as . Clothes do make a statement about people , they can say so much about status , feelings , emotions , I'm sure there are other descriptives , women have the benefit of being able to say more about themselves in their choices .

Dysphoria to some is emotionally destructive , nothing will solve that until they have fully transitioned but as Gretchen points out there are levels of it , it's just a case of finding what provides that balance in your life , if that's possible even in a DADT situation .

My female trait gives me dysphoria , I prefer to be seen and accepted as a woman , my body is my body but I don't hate it , I guess I just ignore the maleness but it's shape does work well as a female , I've found my balance by being out full time as Teresa , Marcelle called it social transition . I don't see hormones or surgery will change my life sufficiently now, OK daily tucking is a nuisance at times and perhaps more than 50% in my bra would be lovely but being out everyday those thoughts aren't there , I'm living my life as I prefer to be and the great thing is I'm accepted as such .

[Alice Torn]

Teresa, i respectfully disagree on transition being the only way to solving the emotional conflict. of Dysphoria. I admit the conflict is terrible, but some of us have just had to accept our difficulties, and be part timer dressers. Life is tough for many who transition, too, and some have ended it all. I know i can never be a full real 100% woman. We each are a bit different and in different life situations. My life would be far worse, if i did transition/

[NancyJ]

I will add to those who have suggested that crossdressing and some level of gender dysphoria or what I often think of as “gender envy” is part of the transgender continuum. Although I wish I was a woman (physically and socially) every day, I will never transition, and I manage my life and my roles as a male. Acknowledging to myself that I am transgender has helped me understand myself. Underdressing daily and dressing more fully on occasion helps me stay balanced. To me, wishing to be a woman and gender dysphoria are synonymous. The only reason labels are important, though, is if they help you understand and accept yourself. Nancy

[April Rose]

I would like to be a woman, but I don't need to be a woman.

[Star01]

I have been reading this thread how many started as crossdressers and realized later on that they are tg along with the thread asking what do closet cd's do for fun. As a closet cd that got me to thinking, did being out and free to dress when and as they pleased hasten the realization that they were tg? It appears to me from what some of you said about your own experiences that for many of us closeted cd's more freedom might send us on that unexpected path. Forgive me if I'm off base but I recently started paying serious attention to this group and am still gathering information and trying to find some direction. I guess for lack of a better description I'm at a "now where do I take this" crossroads.

[AmandaSophy]

You described me, too. i totally relate. I wish i could turn a switch to go back and forth sometimes.

This is me too. i consider myself an average Joe. But sometimes want the attention an average Jane would get.

Jules,
I am still new to allowing myself to explore these feelings and urges. At the same time, I agree with those who council you to talk to someone who can help you sort these things out.

[Teresa]

Alice,
I'm taking care not to say ALL only SOME , as I remarked on Gretchen's comment . I know some don't agree to levels of dysphoria but our brains all funtion in slightly different ways, the chemical balance or inbalance is different in each of us .

[Aunt Kelly]

Star,
It's probably more complicated in many cases. Speaking only for myself, I had plenty of opportunity to explore my gender identity, 20+years, but it was not until I entered therapy that finally came to grips with it. I had sought therapy for symptoms that I would eventually learn were a manifestation of my GD. Up that point I readily identified as CD or gender fluid. You'd think it would be a short leap from there to TS, right? Not so much, it turns out.

Therapy can be shortcut to understanding our gender identity, but you have do the work, no matter where you end up.

[Alice Torn]

Teresa, So true.

[Felicia M]

Lovely and interesting thread.

I can definitely relate.

Lately I have had many internal discussions on this and the best metaphor I could come up with are tides of the ocean. At absolute ebb tide (low) I seem fine being my male self and don't have any real inclination to present as female. I am not perfectly fine with everything. Deep down I hear the whirring but I also love being a father and husband and try to stay in the moment. Then the flood begins. It is slow at first. I think about presenting but it is only a small voice. Then the flood tide gets higher and higher. It becomes overwhelming in the later stages and at high tide I want to dress all the time. I have also noticed that as I mature in this and keep testing my boundaries that flood and high tides seem to last longer and longer. At flood tide I definitely have thoughts that I am completely out of balance with my birth sex. I would love to be a woman. The dysphoria is strong.

Another good reason to equate with water and the tides is that every time I think I have a good sense of where I am at in the journey something changes. As the tide goes out the sand at the bottom has shifted and has exposed new things and covered up others. At least for me it is really important not to be rigid in my thinking. I have to remain flexible as so much is in flux. This really helps me keep from being in conflict internally and be open to evolving.

Even gender dysphoria, although easy to define, is hard to diagnose as its expression varies all over the map.

This quote from Gretchen really hit home to me. From the responses to this thread it would seem many flow into and out of the feeling of dysphoria and wanting to be a woman and struggle with understanding and dealing with it.

[CourtneyJamieson]

Just my 2 cents......I think about what it would be like to be a girl alot. I LUV to dress and be Fem and go out. I love to be a girl. I would LOVE to be a girl 24/7 right now. But I tend to think long-term as well. Just to be honest....I dress now because I can plausibly pass as a woman and I get attention. I go out ALOT now because of that. But when I am 75-years-old I dont know if I could do the same. So I think I would LOVE to be a woman RIGHT NOW....but not so sure I want to be a woman when I am 75.

[Mariabella]

I have read and reread this post as it really spurred thought. And I think for myself I have always been a woman so it is not that I want to be one I am one. But years of coping skills have rendered most of my dysphoria into acceptance of the joke which put me into a truck instead of a minivan💁🏽*♀️ (Yuk it up karma&#128527 so at this point I am just happily scheming to segue into that minivan and finish my ride in it if the metaphor makes sense.

[sometimes_miss]

but not so sure I want to be a woman when I am 75.

Most 75 y/o women don't want to be 75 y/o women! Getting old is rough for both sexes. We'd all rather be young. Just different. Example: Many older women deal with incontinence. Many older men have enlarged prostates, so they CAN'T always pee when they want to (or, some also have the issue of having to urinate, and then only a little comes out). Equal opportunity frustration.
Which brings up my thoughts. Would I have preferred to have been a girl, and lived my life without the constant GID? Sure. But that was never an option. I was born with the DNA I have, and would have been a huge woman had I ever transitioned. I wear a size 16 shoe. Even as a woman, that would have been a huge foot. My own sister is six feet tall, and has hated it all her life; she wears a 12 or 13 woman's shoe. I grew out of 'borrowing' her shoes when I was in junior high school. In short, I could never have been what I expected to be.
Even if I could, I'd just be trading one problem (the always present GID), for a boatload of others. Too tall. Too big. Feet and hands huge. Birthmark scar on my face.
Life isn't easy for either sex; it's just different, with different sets of problems. I remember my sister complaining that she wasn't allowed to play sports in high school. I asked her if she would have, if she knew that they would lose every game? Or if she would have to play every game against a player who was much better than she was? Because that's what I faced whenever I played. Which she, of course, blamed on me, forgetting that they were team games, and I was only a second string player. She conveniently just assumed that she would always win. Figures.
Being a girl brings with it a whole lot of issues that boys don't have to deal with. Would we lose certain problems by not being boys? Sure. But those would be replaced by girl problems.
In the end, most of us learn to accept what we can't fix, and just live it out that way. Though I do feel quite sorry for those with crippling GID that makes just daily life miserable for them.

[Stephanie47]

Courtney (#37), you may not want to be a 75 year old guy too! I'm 72+ and still enjoy being en femme and have plenty of nice age appropriate clothes. I am in decent health and probably in better health that a lot of guys I see in their twenties and thirties and forties with obese beer bellies and all the medical issues that come with it. Yes, there are some more lines on my face. And, I do need a wig. When you hit seventy-five you'll still have the same drive to be womanly. It does not go away with age. You'll just have to adjust your life accordingly. Sometimes I get comments from younger people commenting in somewhat of a negative way about getting old(er). All I have to say about that is "I made it this far. No guarantee you're going to get there!"

I know plenty of men and women who have no qualms about aging. It's acceptance of the life cycle. It's also reflecting upon what you accomplished in life and the legacy you are leaving.

[Joanne86]

So I figured this would be a good topic for me to comment on because I have had a wide range of mental fluctuation in regards to topics like this. I have been crossdressing for a long time, since my teens (I am in my early 30s now) though I don?t do it too often now. Part of that is I don?t own much and don?t really have to funds to splurge on those kinds of things. Of course that doesn?t stop me from browsing online and hopefully I can start to add a little more piece by piece.

Anyways, I have definitely had thoughts that this was more than just enjoying wearing women?s clothing. There are times I really think I might be transgender, like serious thoughts and what may be labeled as gender dysphoria. Definite times where I look at my body and wish it was feminine with mentally visualizing what that would look like. But as far as seeing a therapist and transitioning that is likely to never happen. I mean I should never say never and I do enjoy aspects of being a male. Maybe my thoughts and feelings align more with the notion of being non-binary and I could definitely understand why others might see my thoughts it that light. So in the end, would I want to be a woman? The answer is a complicated yes and no. But I can definitely say that my interest in crossdressing definitely crosses lines past just simple crossdressing. The war in my brain, so to speak, will continue to wage on.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss, I appreciate your gut honesty. I wear size 16 womens shoes, too, huge hands,sis foot six 260, but have nice legs. i have struggled as an old bachelor. Never had a chance with women, really. Too low income. I have to accept my lot in life, and toxic family too. My siblings are all lost loners, too with big problems they are in denial of. At least i see my problems. A stranger most of my life , i have moved 50 times. Need to stay a male. Stephanie47, Joanne, i relate to being senior, and aging much better than most seniors.

[jacques]

hello JulesLynne,
When I look at this forum I see that your topic (or very similar ones) is posted quite often; that implies that many of us have similar thoughts.
When I look at my own cross-dressing history I notice that it has changed through the years. It has never been a binary thing - CD or not CD; CD or TS, TS or not TS....
Perhaps the phrase "gender fluid" would be appropriate and mine gender is so fluid that it changes quite often!
In some ways my advice is not to over analyse it but just enjoy it!
luv J

[Star01]

Star,
It's probably more complicated in many cases. Speaking only for myself, I had plenty of opportunity to explore my gender identity, 20+years, but it was not until I entered therapy that finally came to grips with it. I had sought therapy for symptoms that I would eventually learn were a manifestation of my GD. Up that point I readily identified as CD or gender fluid. You'd think it would be a short leap from there to TS, right? Not so much, it turns out.

Therapy can be shortcut to understanding our gender identity, but you have do the work, no matter where you end up.

Thanks, what you're saying makes sense but I suspect that just like every other topic on this board there are surely exceptions ranging from "I have always known" up to and including the help of a therapist. In my case I have cruised through life with an unidentifiable angst punctuated by outbreaks of dressing that started at around 12 or 13. It seems that whatever has been lurking in the shadows for about 55 years has stepped up it's game and is demanding answers and changes but I'm not sure what they are. My DADT situation throws a monkey wrench into the whole mix as that type of status hinders discovery and growth.

[Vickie_CDTV]

[QUOTE=Alice Torn;4406998Never had a chance with women, really. Too low income. [/QUOTE]

I don't know, you can be successful with some women when low income. I know plenty of women who hook with with freeloading losers who smack them around and abuse them. Guess that is the key... Unfortunately, those of us who treat women with respect and as equals have a tougher time of it. What a world we live in...

[char GG]

I don't know, you can be successful with some women when low income. I know plenty of women who hook with with freeloading losers who smack them around and abuse them. Guess that is the key... Unfortunately, those of us who treat women with respect and as equals have a tougher time of it. What a world we live in...

I?ve seen this comment about men having too low of an income ...mentioned a few times in the last few days. Also, the bit about women attracted to ?freeloading losers......bla bla bla?. The thought process contradicts itself.

You are free to believe whatever you like, however, it?s unfair to paint a false picture of men who don?t crossdress as Neanderthals or men with no money as unwanted. When I met my husband, he didn?t have $100 to his name. My opinion, but no one is superior because of income level. My hubby wasn?t a freeloading loser/abuser. Many women are not that shallow. Those who believe this may want to dig deeper for reasons why they haven?t had ?luck? with the ladies.

[Julie Slowinski]

I would like to be a woman, but I don't need to be a woman.

April, After quite a bit of soul searching, this is the exact conclusion I have come to about my personal journey. After additional research, the conventional wisdom is that I am not a good candidate for transition. In essence, CW says that the hardships of transition should be undertaken only if the dysphoria allows for no other path. Personally, I think this is good advice. But, I think you already know that.

However, there is a more general issue. There are many trans women who take this notion beyond advice to individuals and use this notion as measure of trans validity - dysphoria is required to be trans or trans is only about identity and expression is meaningless - the so called trans medicalists (there is a more derogatory name for these folks, but I won?t repeat it here). As it turns out, there is a large community of trans folk who experience very little dysphoria and are motivated by the euphoria - the more vocal group is non-binary folks, but there is also a quieter group of trans women. They are less vocal, because it?s not a popular opinion with many trans women. It seems that this notion of ?I had no choice other than transition? is core to their identity and to acknowledge that others have transitioned (or even call themselves trans) without being motivated by grave consequences is an indirect attack on their existence. But, I think these folks miss the point of statement of ?being born the way we are and we have no choice about who we are.? Certainly, we are all born with the need and/or desire to transition. The second question is how great is that desire? Is it great enough to become a need - so intense that whatever hardships are on the other side must be faced. But, maybe there is an in between type person - not so much of an intense need, but also not quite the same hardships on the other side. (For those that know chemistry, a chemical reaction is more about the energy difference between the two sides of the reaction and less about absolute energy of either side.)

In either case, that?s a fairly long introduction to this article, which many on Facebook were finding quite a bit of connection to. Please enjoy and I promise it has no chemistry.
https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender...y-a334cb4eeec5

[Micki_Finn]

Never had a chance with women, really. Too low income.

Really? Too low income? Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with your misogyny?

[Kendra Sue]

I think about being a woman every day.I wish I wasa woman. I am so envious of all the things a woman can do. As the song goes Man I feel like a woman

[April Rose]

Julie, thanks for the link. It's an interesting article, and one I am in substantial agreement with. I have friends in the trans community who are at different levels of self Identity. I think it is important that we recognize those levels without allowing that recognition to divide us. We are all in some way in the same struggle.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't know, you can be successful with some women when low income. I know plenty of women who hook with with freeloading losers who smack them around and abuse them. Guess that is the key... Unfortunately, those of us who treat women with respect and as equals have a tougher time of it. What a world we live in...

Being an abusive guy isn't the key to attraction, even though it might seem to be. It's the displaying of alpha male characteristics and behavior that is.
Leadership; displayed by telling other people what to do, and being able to convey to them that they should do it because it's the right thing to do (a frequent bad boy behavior). Confidence (again, not caring about other people's opinions is a big one; not even asking, but just going ahead with what you want do do). Not EVER appearing to be needy is another big one, that one apparently is a real turn off for most women (other than the occasional nurturing instinct that kicks in when her man is injured or severely ill). Being in control of your own life.
Women generally prefer men taller than themselves; some of us are tall and can take advantage of that. It's a harder road to travel if you're short, but one way to make life easier is to simply go after women who are shorter than you are; OR.... keep putting yourself in situations where you're the only male there, with lots of women around. Simple 'supply and demand' scenario. Lots more but you get the idea.