Detransition

[phylis anne]

Hi katya,
yes what we might lose is very important especially at my age at 66 , fear of losing a job or fear on how you will be accepted are very real and affect us all differently , with me I think my daughter knows more than she is saying LOL and may be open minded to it my son on the other hand is quite phobic but I do not feel he knowledge other than what social media provides .i recently after a 10 year battle lost both mom and wife mom to heart failure at 99.5 4 months later my wife to alzheimer"s I kept her home all those years in respect to her wishes , this has left me in a strange vacum over the last year and now find myself more than ever wanting to reach out but also be accepted for who I am there again is that fear ,in my favor I am gender fluid if you will as a tomboy so easy to dress and present unisex but also lean heavier in the girl dept, if that makes any sense I am almost retired time to head back to alaska and reunite my inner peace

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love what you wrote on your chalk board sadly human wise we cannot always practice what we feel with ourselves , as to your students kids seem to me more accepting as a rule and the only backlash you might see would be a narrow minded parent acting like a karen if you will to the admin youve made it 3 years well the only reply there is youv'e got this girl!!

[NicoleRenee]

Thank you for that Robin. I am going to start that part of the transition next month. For someone with a lot of questions about not being sure if they want to start, they have an idea of what might happen if you stop. Same thing for ones that have started and are in the same situation as you or maybe for different reasons. This is the kind of information I look for on this site. I know everyone is different but it gives good information. Again, thank you.

[Katya@]

Hi phylis anne,
I'm sorry to hear about all the family loses you had. The fear is real, regardless of age and circumstances. It is always tempting to justify why it was easy for someone else to come out vs. your own circumstances. The truth is, it's hard for everyone, and the truth is it was harder yet for those who came out when the world was a less accepting place than today. But there is a lot of reward that comes with it, like the freedom to be who you are, and there is a satisfaction that you are helping to make the world a more accepting place by your own example and may just help and give a courage to do the same to someone else, who is in a similar situations. Good luck!

[LeaP]

... I hate being the focus of attention ...

I can barely begin to tell you how much this statement resonates. It's a very prominent theme in my life, both personal and public. It, plus social anxiety, are even behind some suicide ideation. I regard it as a manifestation of growing up trans.

This theme runs through and through the OP. I sympathize and empathize. Nonetheless, some focused counseling is in order, IMO. It might have been better earlier, but better late than never.

[Katya@]

Hi Lea,

For what it's worth - based on my personal experience, I got zero attention or focus after coming out to friends and colleagues, to the point that it bothered me. I personally don't mind to be the center of attention but it felt like everyone just moved on and didn't care, at least in front of me. I was hoping to educate people, etc, but only few reached out with any questions. Was I subject of discussions by others behind my back? Yes, I was. I found out number of those offline discussions among family members, but even those are short lived. If this is the only reason that holds you back - I wouldn't stress out about it.

[Teresa]

Katya,
It's the expectation of thinking we will be the centre of attention , I now turn it round and see it as total acceptance , I do also think we have educated people because I don't get a response . We must remember that some people have never come across a TG person before , how are they expected to react ? The fact I've gained so many new friends says it all to me .

[Robin-in-TX]

I can barely begin to tell you how much this statement resonates. It's a very prominent theme in my life, both personal and public. It, plus social anxiety, are even behind some suicide ideation. I regard it as a manifestation of growing up trans.

This theme runs through and through the OP. I sympathize and empathize. Nonetheless, some focused counseling is in order, IMO. It might have been better earlier, but better late than never.

Hi LeaP and everyone who responded,

First, let me say that the focus of my post is more on the physical effects of putting your transition on pause months after beginning HRT. I was just trying to be helpful as I did not see a lot on it out there. Most of the de-trans postings on the web focus on delegitimizing being a trans person and not giving information on the effects of having to or deciding to halt transition. There are plenty of medical reasons that would interrupt a woman's ability to take feminizing hormones. My post might be helpful to either group of people, those who medically must stop transition and those like me who choose to.

Next, I have always known that my parents gave me XY chromosomes for an XX soul. I'm just as trans today as I was when I was 5 or 10 or 35 or 55. At least for now though, I am not prepared to continue transition under the current circumstances. I admire all of you that see your way through the challenges, I'm just not personally wired to do that. Holding the position that I do in the organization I am in, it would draw attention. I was ready to slowly transition in the workplace but the pandemic has kept me out of the workplace for the foreseeable future. Once we are back, if I'm ready, I'll start again.

I'm glad the discussion has expanded beyond the scope of my original post. Transition is multilevel chess and the lines are very blurred. It does not exist on only a physical or emotional or psychological level.

Thank you all again for contributing.

Robin

[Teresa]

Robin,
I'm so glad you've posted this thread , we all know transition isn't a bed of roses and taking a step back isn't always the wrong move to make . I guess one aspect of going on hormones after telling everyone is the fear that you may have to reject the idea and people saying " I told you so !" I'm thinking more about close family and possibly work colleagues with that comment .

I hope you can resolve your dilemma , my gut feeling is your work colleagues will be more supportive than not if you cahnge your mind in the future .

[JeanTG]

I guess one aspect of going on hormones after telling everyone is the fear that you may have to reject the idea and people saying " I told you so !" I'm thinking more about close family and possibly work colleagues with that comment .

In my experience it's a lot harder to put the toothpaste back into the tube than squeezing it out (coming out).

[JohannaH]

Robin, I have been on estradiol valerate for 9 years and still have not socially transition from being male with my masculine name and never will. I have developed DD sized breasts and I as a man was never been made uncomfortable by anyone with my figure. With a bra cup size of DD it's not possible to hide my breasts. With my experience I say it is possible to take estrogen and remain a man.

I don't miss the.sharp male.scent.I used to have and enjoy my.more youthful appearance. Also I don't have to shave my face every day anymore as the growth has slowed down. I'm calmer.and I no longer have the urge to drink to excess.

John

[IamWren]

I've been wanting to add my experience to this thread but have had a hard time trying to concisely craft my comment because, as Robin said in #32, "Transition is multilevel chess..." and "It does not exist on only a physical or emotional or psychological level."

I'll do my best to keep it short though.

About five weeks ago I decided I had to stop my medical transition.

The changes I experienced I'm sure won't be the same for everyone. This is primarily because the antiandrogen I was taking, my dosage of estrogen and its delivery method might be different from yours. And of course because not everyone reacts the same to hormone therapy even if all that were identical.

First week: no perceptible changes whatsoever.
Second week: no perceptible changes until the fourth day of the week. There were a few slight, almost imperceptible changes. For example, I began to notice slight changes that indicated my skin was reverting back. My mental and emotional state seemed to be changing back a little as well.

I feel like I should add here (and perhaps I've buried the lede but) I knew that this pause in my medical transition would be temporary. Whether that was going to be 2 to 3 weeks, a month or six months. I knew it would only be temporary. With that in mind, I felt ok mentally and emotionally going into this pause certain I would start again.

Third week: by this time I could tell my emotional and mental state was changing back quite a bit. There was an underlying anger, irritability, resentment, aggressiveness and quick temper that my wife had complained about in the past that was slight but coming back. By the end of this third week, my wife and I were arguing a little bit every day. Also in this third week, I began noticing a few more physical changes. About the third or fourth day of this week I had my first night erection. That had not happened since about my 10th day of taking my hormone therapy meds. My skin was no longer as soft as it had been before. My "boy smell" came back a little. And it seemed as though the shape of my face began to revert back, even if it was just the slightest bit that it changed in the few months I had been taking my medicine. The pores on my face were more visible as well. I also noticed the tiny bit of fat deposit I had gotten in my thighs and rear end had started to revert back. The tiny bit of breast development I had, was becoming soft and squishy, more like man boobs and didn't really have the firm feel they had before.

Fourth week: the changes were most noticeable at this time. My skin was no longer soft. The pores in my face were clearly visible. The whiskers on my face we're growing like they had before. The slight curve and feminine shape I had been seeing was now gone, my nipples no longer ached and were no longer as easy to hurt as they were before and I couldn't "feel" them. What I mean by that is I couldn't feel them against my bicep or my forearm when I put my hand up to my neck or face. Emotionally I was back to my old, mean, irritated and frustrated self. It would take very little to make me irritable and have me lash out at my wife.

There are a few other things but this is getting very long so I'll end it here.
I will add this last bit though. I have started taking my meds again. Today in fact ends one week. I can say with utmost certainty (and my wife can confirm), estrogen helps me to be a nicer person. I am amazed at how quickly I responded physically and emotionally once I started again. Only two days and my boobs had that firm sort of feeling to them and that weird little ache. Also I didn't feel like being mean anymore as well. A full week and things are even better.

[JohannaH]

The benefits of estrogen medication have been so.great I don't want.to.stop. My wife.notices that I.am.a lot calmer and not so irritable. She even says, *John, take your hormone" when I'm crabby.

[Teresa]

Iamwren,
Many thanks for taking the trouble to tell us your experiences .

As you say at the start and echoed Robin's words there are layers to this and each person has a different experience , partially perhaps from the mental situation .

OK I admit I'm not on hormones but still experience the changes in my attitude , by that I mean on the odd occasions I have to do male mode I'm a different person , the aggressive side surfaces , I'm less tolerant when driving . I finally persuaded my mother to see me as Teresa because of that reason , I had to admit to her being the man was too painful .

As for taking hormones I'm more on the fence than ever , my TS friend advises against it simply because I'm where I want to be now , my TG friends keep wondering what's holding me back . How do I feel ? Well I would like to have the changes you describe .

[Katya@]

Hi Wren. Thanks for sharing your experience. After 3 years into transitions, imagining the reversal to my old self, is nothing short of a traumatic experience. On the upside, it is just as useful to understand that I am on the right track.

[JeanTG]

IamWren,

Almost exactly describes my experience and timelines coming off HRT.

[Helen_Highwater]

Robin,

As someone who falls into the CD'ing camp I was left pondering how your situation is that different from those who decide to "Come out" and go full time without transitioning. Theirs is an instant transformation, drab to fab overnight. Their work colleagues are faced with the situation you describe as having to face and from what's written here most report only positive outcomes.

So pardon me but I have to ask, is this a case of those little gremlins sitting on your shoulder whispering about how it's all going to turn out horribly wrong when in reality that's far from the truth.

Having started your transition months before the virus hit I'm assuming your colleagues knew of your situation and while you may find yourself the focus of attention my guess is that'll be short lived as the novelty will wear off quite quickly, much like when someone gives birth and returns to the office with lots of pictures, this is the way of things.

[Robin-in-TX]

Robin,

As someone who falls into the CD'ing camp I was left pondering how your situation is that different from those who decide to "Come out" and go full time without transitioning. Theirs is an instant transformation, drab to fab overnight. Their work colleagues are faced with the situation you describe as having to face and from what's written here most report only positive outcomes.

So pardon me but I have to ask, is this a case of those little gremlins sitting on your shoulder whispering about how it's all going to turn out horribly wrong when in reality that's far from the truth.

Having started your transition months before the virus hit I'm assuming your colleagues knew of your situation and while you may find yourself the focus of attention my guess is that'll be short lived as the novelty will wear off quite quickly, much like when someone gives birth and returns to the office with lots of pictures, this is the way of things.

Helen,

Your assumption was off. Those at work did not know that I had begun transition. I was transitioning medically before transitioning socially. While physical changes were occurring, people see what they expect to see until the dissonance between their eyes and their brains requires them to reevaluate what they expect. When you change right in front of someone, they just adjust as you go. There was real change between starting HRT in October and December but not so radical that anyone that saw me everyday would notice. I started spiro at the end of December and that with the increase in E gave me good results but I was only on the job until March 6th. Once I increased both again in April, things really took off. When I stopped I was approaching the next appointment with another increase in dosages. Had I continued, I would have had increases in October and perhaps this month.

Are the "gremlins" on my shoulders whispering in my ears? Well, I think that is what I said. I don't fear for my job. I don't fear that I will lose my income or health insurance or face the issues that many of our sisters do who have the strength to see it through. It takes a lot of courage to transition and become who you really are. I don't have that kind of courage. Going to war, I've done that. It is scary but, no problem. Put on a skirt and makeup and go to work? I'm not that brave, even though it represents who I am.

Robin

[Katya@]

It takes a lot of courage to transition and become who you really are. I don't have that kind of courage. Going to war, I've done that. It is scary but, no problem. Put on a skirt and makeup and go to work? I'm not that brave, even though it represents who I am

Perhaps a paradox for cis folks but so real for trans folks!