The 3 Most Often Asked Questions by SOs

[Deborah2B]

Jacypods I love your response. My wife has some of those insecurities. It does not help that my father cheated repeatedly on my mother. My wife knows his history but also knows that I will NOT follow him in those footsteps. The only "other woman" in our relationship she worries about is me. She does not like my crossdressing or understand why I do it. Decades later I am still trying to figure out why I do it and why it is so enjoyable. I do wish she could grow to at least tolerate my crossdressing. I would be fantastic to get to the point that we could share in it.

[jacypods]

Any possible hints or advice as to what the average CD (as if there was such a thing!) might do to build the acceptance and sharing that so many of us desire? I'm considering suggesting a bit of a bargain; asking for some time alone as well as possible participation in return for whatever she wants, even if that includes antiquing or craft shows or even a night at a Kathy Griffin show (another joke, "Hall Pass" reference), reasonable ask?

Hi, Jamie!

I do have some advice that works in my mind. The first thing is honesty, and I don't mean just telling your SO that you crossdress, but some emotional honesty. How do you feel? What scares you? Sometimes the most freeing thing is really saying the things you feel deeply and are afraid to share. I know I always feel closer when my SO tells me something that is emotionally difficult for him to say, because it lets me know he trusts me and really wants to share that emotional intimacy.

The second thing is to be clear about where things fit. I tend to like to control situations and know things. Uncertainty makes me nervous. For me, making plans is great. I try to let him know that he can choose times to do whatever he wants. And if it's a time he wants to share together, I'd like to know in advance, because I kind of have to switch to another mindset. I can have fun with Ava and do lots of things with her, but I have to be in that groove. Just as sometimes crossdressers either feel the need to be dressed or aren't really feeling it, GGs have that too. So having a system or just being cognizant of when your SO needs something else can go a long way to making things more relaxed. If your SO doesn't really want to participate, accept that. It's a journey and she may become more comfortable when it feels less threatening. (And I think that's often a key -- even if we know it's important to you, it can still seem very threatening to us, because we are afraid of losing what we have.)

Don't be so into it that you lose track of other things. I know there is a phrase "pink fog" and, boy, am I familiar with it. Because I am accepting, sometimes I get inundated with the girlie stuff. And I'm not girlie, so it's hard. I don't like shopping, I wear whatever is comfortable, don't do makeup....I think I might own some mascara somewhere in a drawer somewhere. I feel very feminine, but I don't do a lot of typical feminine things.

I'm a big believer in bargains, because every relationship is built on bargains. Maybe come up with something that's really important to you and tell your SO what that is and how it makes you feel. Then ask her what something is that's really important to her and how that makes her feel. Then see where you can support each other in that one thing or event and be present in that moment for the other person. With my guy it's hockey. Gosh, I make him watch so much hockey and when I get talking about it.....well, it's a lot of hockey. That's my thing, the one thing in my life that I feel is a part of me that isn't my SO or my kids. It's my PASSION. And I let him know that I appreciate his participation. And when he wants to spend an evening with me painting his toenails and watching him endlessly try on shoes and strut up and down the room....I participate with some joy because I remember that he participates with joy when he knows it's something important to me.

Most of all, just remember to do the things we all should do with the people in our lives -- let them know they are cherished, valued, and appreciated, and share with them emotionally, because that's the greatest gift you can give someone: letting them see the heart of you and trusting them with it.

[NjJamie]

Jacy, thanks for the quick response and much of what you describe is in my history. The bargaining is already in full progress though I haven't proposed it as such, just building up points as I went along on a shopping trip to TWO craft stores just in the past 2 hours and already ordered Billy Joel tickets for a Christmas present. So many times in the past few months I was literally seconds from starting that conversation, the only hold back was that I was going to have difficulty and disappointment with a negative answer. I'm hoping the "Piano Man" will buy me a few hours of feeling like a woman, sorry for the puns but I'm keeping things positive!

I did have an awesome gift of being left home for 5 days in August but can see that asking for that much time alone could be insulting to the rest of my family, they might get the wrong impression!

[Maria 60]

Yep same questions in the same order. Didn't think it was going to go well but ended up going shopping because she didn't want me to stretch her stuff.

[DianeT]

Are you gay?
CD: No. Clothing doesn't affect sexual orientation

Still, presenting as a woman MAY have some relation with your sexual orientation, especially if you publish photos or go out and seek male interest. Of course you may explain this by wanting to live the part, but, honestly, there is definitely a gray zone here.

Do you want to be a woman?
CD: No. I'm happy being a man. It's just clothing
SO: Then why do you have breast forms, butt/hip padding, false lashes/nails, wigs, makeup and shapewear?

Yes, why? It seems even if you don't want to be a woman permanently, you at least want to live the experience for a while. Then it all depends on what you call living the experience. Is it just the looks? Is it something deeper?

Are you going to transition?
CD: No. This is all there is to it
SO: It started with panties. Then more lingerie. Then dresses, heels, wigs, and makeup. Then you wanted to start going out while dressed. It doesn't seem like there's an end. How does it end?

A legitimate concern. You can calm this angst by being totally honest and not hide anything to your wife, your plans, your feelings, your drivers, your needs. By agreeing on boundaries and respecting them adamantly. It will take a while obviously, but your SO should feel gradually more secure as time passes and you don't give her (he?) any reasons to doubt. Now there are also members who will move the boundaries every other week, and I don't see their SO ever getting there.

Of course there will be exceptions to any rule, but it appears that the 3 questions will likely be asked time and time again.

Being patient and gently responding to these questions no matter how many times they are asked is part of the deal.

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The gay issue I would never believe anymore. No matter how much any cd'er would say no, most ( not all but most ) are at least bi sexual . I see it here in the forums all the time - "Should I let him kiss me","he touched my legs and I loved it" , "we made out and had to get a room" , "I slow danced and made out with XXXX in front of my wife !" You know.... and that's just what I see written here. I dont care what anyone sexuality is but to protest so much about ( or claiming a wife hasn't done her research etc etc ) being totally straight isnt the 100% truth either .

I second that. I was quite surprised each time by the success of these threads. There is clearly a disconnect with the repeated claim that dressers are mostly heterosexual and the excitement about being desired and touched by men. When we point this disconnect there is generally a rationalization provided, a theory that living these experiences while dressed as a woman and acting the part makes it not a gay experience. Like I said many times I get the logic of that reasoning. But dressing as a woman and pretending you are one doesn't make you one. So I don't believe this hypothesis to be 100% true. But it's an interesting debate. However, if you are not a crossdresser, a GG for example, I believe that it's impossible to buy it. If I was a GG and my husband was looking for male attention I would keep asking the question.

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Coming back to the "dressing as a woman" equals being gay, it's interesting to note that some gay persons dress in feminine attire (wigs, dresses) once in a while and interact sexually with partners. We had friends doing this. Other gay friends were not into it at all. What I find interesting is that an unbiased observer watching this could conclude that the first group had heterosexual tendencies. Is it so, really? I think it depends on the mindset of the person dressing feminine. Is he feeling as a woman? Or dressing like this to attract his partner (or males in general) with bisexual tendencies?
And would his SO keep asking: are you heterosexual?

Now, apply the same to a crossdresser dressing as a female to catch male attention and interact sexually with them. An unbiased observer would simply make the same observation that the dresser has heterosexual tendencies. Because the person plays the part, feels like she is a female. And the dresser's original gender and sexual orientation doesn't change that. Technically it will be gay sex, but in spirit, it can be different, it really depends on the mindset, the intention, the purpose of it (and I am not even touching the subject of the other party, the one engaging in sex with the dresser, that would sure be interesting too).
So I think that these kinds of experiences are more on a varying heterosexual-gay scale, not 100% heterosexual, and not 100% gay. I suspect that the heterosexual claims of persons having these experiences may be explained by their complexity. It is definitely a gray zone, and different for every person.
Those trying to explain these impulses to a SO who never experienced gender troubles and doesn't get the vibe of crossdressing (who does?) and the subtle drivers for wanting to impersonate a feminine self are going to face a tough challenge, presumably as difficult as explaining the dressing itself (in addition to the fact that a SO may not be thrilled by the prospect of her/his companion wanting to be desired and have sex with people outside the couple).

[Teri Ray]

Jacypods,

I agree with your thoughts here. Your logic is sound and you SO is lucky to have you. Best wishes to you both. Welcome to this forum.

[Bianca Fay]

QUOTE=Dutchess;4554928]The gay issue I would never believe anymore. No matter how much any cd'er would say no, most ( not all but most ) are at least bi sexual

Dutchess, I realize that you are speaking from your own experience and you definitely have the right to your own opinion based on your personal encounters.
Having said that, your reply is a further testament to my original post.
In my opinion you couldn't be more wrong. Your statement is subjective and judgmental. I appreciate your input and I would encourage you to PM me if you would like to discuss this in greater detail.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi - so um yeah, I'm not a CD, but I thought I was "just a cd" at some point in this journey. And at some point my wife did ask me these questions. I had good responses at the time:

Are you gay? - no
Do you want to be a woman? - no
Are you going to transition? - no

Those were my answers and I stuck with them for as long as I possibly could. Then something happened, well lots of somethings happened, and I realized that I had been lying to myself. And that can be a real problem, lol. Thus in figuring out how to actually be totally honest with myself, I figured out how to be totally honest with my wife.

Are you gay - yes (being as I am a woman and I am only attracted to women, yes that does indeed make me gay, though most of us prefer the term lesbian.)
Do you want to be a woman - yes (maybe no was correct in that I don't want to be, I just am a woman.)
Are you going to transition - yes (changed hormones 6/2017, legally changed everything 6/2018, will have GCS 6/2022)

I will say that I initially answered my wife with what I thought was 100% honesty. Did I lie to her, yes, but not knowingly. I really thought I was being honest. Part of the thing was that lying to myself had become so common place that I didn't even know I was doing it. My wife and I now often look back on my life and our life together (we have known each other since we were 8 and we are now 50,) and we laugh at our own ignorance. Seriously when we look back we can both see the obviousness of what was going on and we both feel a little bit ridiculous for not just accepting my obvious reality long, long, long ago.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know how a poll could be taken as to whether any certifiable percentage of men who wear women's clothing are gay or bisexual. One would be destined to fail Logic 101 if a person proclaims from personal experience of one that all are this or that; My man/husband cheated on me with a guy thus all are gay or bisexual. Given the active posters on this forum one could never come up with any percentage. You really do not even know if anything read here really happened. It's may be akin to Monday morning in the boys' high school locker room; "I screwed my girl friend all weekend!", as everybody else slaps him on his back for his conquests. Anyway, fantasies are fantasies until they are acted upon.

My wife had lunch with a female friend who married and then divorced her husband after even having a child, and married another woman. Works both ways. Tried to deny herself because of social norms and expectations? That friend told my wife of her minister who has been married for over thirty years, came out as gay and is divorcing his wife. You never know, do you? Take your assessments on an individual basis and do not paint everyone with the same broad brush.

[oh to be rachel]

Are you gay?
Do you want to be a woman?
Are you going to transition?

Really, who knows what the answers to these questions would have been 5 years ago, 10 years ago, to what they might be 10 years from now.
We all change and grow older as life experiences come at us. I might have said no to all 5 years ago, yes a year ago, to no 10 years from now.
If we all only had that birds eye view of our lives.

[char GG]

Cecily,
The opinions given here are just that: opinions. What Dutchess is saying is her opinion as she views it from her world experience. It may not be your opinion but she is entitled to have her own thoughts without asking her to PM you for further debate.

From what I?ve seen here, people are all over the place on this topic. Some have a different answer now than they would have 10 years ago.

[Sometimes Steffi]

The gay issue I would never believe anymore. No matter how much any cd'er would say no, most ( not all but most ) are at least bi sexual. I see it here in the forums all the time - "Should I let him kiss me","he touched my legs and I loved it" , "we made out and had to get a room" , "I slow danced and made out with XXXX in front of my wife !" You know.... and that's just what I see written here. I don't care what anyone sexuality is but to protest so much about ( or claiming a wife hasn't done her research etc etc ) being totally straight isn't the 100% truth either.

I'd like to speak up for the 5% (or 95%) of those CDers who are not-bisexual. I'm not bisexual. Yes, I may has kissed a man, but it was a cute man dressed as a woman. I had a counselor who told me (after our first visit, not less) that I was gay. I didn't believe her, but as someone with a scientific / engineering mindset, I decided to run an experiment. The next week when I went to the gym to work out, I made a point to check out the other guys as to their sexual and romantic attraction. I got not a tingle of interest in them. Mostly, I was just grossed out. I performed this experiment for a week or so with the same response. My scientific conclusion was that I was not in the slightest be gay.

So count me in among the heterosexual CDs.

This does not invalidate your experience, Dutchess, it just means that your assessment is based on your experience and mine is based on mine.

I do have a lot of "CD" friends who crossed the line to "TS", and most, but not all of them, are interested in men but not women.

[ellbee]

And it's not because of him, but because of me and my insecurities in my own attractiveness/desirability as a woman. I think if you really get down to it, a lot of wives equate their partner's desire to crossdress with some inadequacy in themselves, i.e. -- why am I not enough for you? Even when wives lash out, I think it often comes from a place of insecurity. And we may feel left out or left behind sometimes, despite your best efforts to show us that's not that case. Most heterosexual women really want to be desired and thought attractive by the man in their life, so when men begin to concentrate on their outward feminity it makes use feel uncertain of the dynamic.

Here's the thing, though...

Most of the time? CD'ers were CD'ing *long* before they ever met their GG-SO's!


And if he hadn't? Well, maybe he actually had -- or at the very least, thought about it... Just maybe felt never the right opportunity to try it.

Again, all long before they ever met the GG.



Anyway, I will say this...


A couple should probably be aware of a potentially-escalating negative feedback loop. When the GG-SO first learns of the CD'ing? Probably best not to totally freak out, outwardly nor inwardly.

Because the CD'er will see/hear/sense this, then *he* begins to freak out because he knows that she is.

Of course, she, then in turn, freaks out even more, in response!


So, maybe try not to do that.



Also, one way to look at it...?


This is whole new dynamic, with so many awesome possibilities -- should both choose.

It's a further world to explore together... A chance to do something that probably not a whole lot of couples get to experience!


So, try to make it a special thing?

[sometimes_miss]

I hope this helps.

Speaking solely for myself -- that's the thought that always gives me pause...why am I not enough?

I can't answer for everyone; but my wife asked the very same question. And our therapist responded to her, 'Because it's not all about you. It's about who he is'.

My feeling the need to crossdress didn't revolve around anything she did, or who she was. It's due to something not in synch with our own gender self identification. The 'wires' in our minds get crossed up at some point, and for some as yet unknown reason, we start feeling the need to be as pretty and feminine as we can. Who and what we are attracted to, is unaffected. So it's not anything to do with whether our SO's are 'enough' or not.