Setting the stage for my SO?

[BeckiB]

CHANGE, that one little word can strike fear into many. Many SOs fear that they are about to lose the one they love or that our sexual preference will change or our sexual persona will change. Just like most of the world they believe in the misguided stereotypes like we are gay, or we all want to become a woman. For some these are truly facts, but, we are a very diverse group and trying to lump us together in anything is pretty hard. Tell her what it is you feel and where you would like things to go. LISTEN to her concerns and don't feel like you have to answer them there on the spot nor does she have to answer you. I would share this site with her. There are a lot of very bright and articulate GG's on this site that may help her answer some questions that concern her.

I wouldn't shave my body (which you said you weren't) until after you have the talk, Doing something for shock value at this point might not be a good idea. I would also not tell her until the semester break.

Good luck and I hope it turns out well as it seems from you post that you two care for each other a great deal.

[Di]

Very glad you are wanting to tell her as you both deserve to have a life with someone they trust and share all of them self with. I would also not tell her until the semester break, but please no games or hints ect just say the truth. I would tell her you never shared this with anyone EVER and feel you can share this part of you. Stress to her you are the same person she has always loved NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Stress to her it is a common thing and you can get material for her to read AND do not make promises you will not be able to keep.
She may need time to process it and there might be a few ups and downs but you both will get through it My wish for you is that you two can explore this together

[TerriM]

I also think you are right about telling your SO before you marry. I am married 37yrs. I told my wife when we were married about 10yrs. Prior to our marriage I really didnt know how strong this part of me was. I know if I had known I would have told her before. But i think if I had, she wouldnt have married me. The world has changed a lot since I got married. I have changed. We work things out. She will never have anything to do with my fem side. That is very hurtful to me at times, but I have accepted that.

[Christina Horton]

Do you want to go dressed out side? How much time out do you want to do it. How far do you want to go with it E.T.C. lazer hair removle , breast implants, vioce altered, adams apple removel, hormones, all that will be in the back of her mind. If she asks you (WHY) do you CD and you can't say why ( like most of us can't explaine why) a girl from here told me a great way to respond to is is to ask them," Are you left handed or right handed" when they say right or left handed you say " why" they will not be able to say why just that they were born that way and you say " RIGHT same here." I think you must tell her now not later. It's not that you wear Women's "stuff" , It's the LIE they will hate more. You will have to explaine to her that you did not think you needed to dress untill just a little while ago. Then tell her you need ,want to do this and it is part of who you are, when she frist meet you that was part of you ,and even you did not know the full you then. Tell her how much better you feel now that you LOVE YOURSELF fully now then you did before. And of course tell her how much she means to you . Tell her if she does not want you to do this that that whould be repressing a very big part of you sole or (HEART) by doing that. If you think you need to tell her after the semster then do it. This could also be the best news she has ever gotten, It could be a big stress releaf vlave. Some GG's love CDs but don't know it untill they find out while in the relationship. I have told most of my girl friends and all of them loved it and wanted to dress me up right then. I told them that I was not ready for that yet. Y N K . I hope you will have a + chat with her ,Well I hope this helped. HUGGS.

[Toni_Lynn]

Hi

Having gone through the same agony myself, and then finally getting the courage to act, allow me to offer some ideas.

My first suggestion would be to assess her general attitude to what I'll broadly call 'gender stuff'. It sounds like you have done that and have received largely positive feedbac. This is good.

Having done that, what I did when I prepared to tell my the woman who became my wife was to lay a groundwork that assures her that your love for her knows no bounds and you would never ever hurt her. Reassure her that you will never lie to her. Let her know that you want to be hers forever. Let her know that you something tell her, and that you pray that she will not be hurt.

I should pause now and say that one thing that I will tell you is that you should she not accept, you must be prepared for the end. I told my wife that if my CDing hurt her, I would rather leave her than ever not be fully open with her. Let her know that you want to all of your being to her. You want to love her always and all ways.

Then, you must tell her. Let her know that you will never embarrass her with your CDing or cause her shame. Assure her that you will always be her defender and protector ... that the fact that you have lace on your underwear doesn't mean that you would not go to battle for her or die for her. For evil to get to her, it will have to get past you first. Finally, and this is my oft repeated advise, let her know that you will never love the girl within more than you love her.

Should she be accepting then tell her about all the fun you'll have together!

My prayers are with you my sister.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Laura Evans]

There has been so much good advice given to you that I won't bother repeating them. I have been married once and in one long term and one very short term relationship. I never told any of them and the stress was on me and I always felt guilty about keeping a secret. In my current relationship I decided I would no longer keep this a secret so after several months had gone by enough for me to decide this was a good relationship I decided to tell her. It was not easy and I prepared myself for a breakup if that was what she wanted ( she deserved that consideration ), that was also what I prefaced my talk with her. I felt she needed to know early on so as to avoid any feelings of deception in the ralationship. She surprised me and took the revelation as "ok, so what" and the usual questions as has been pointed out several times. She said she knew I was different that other men she has known and liked what she saw. We have been together now for three years and states she likes both sides of me and really does not see any difference in my personallity when I am en femme or male. PS we were co-workers for years prior when she was married and I was in one of my relationships and neither of us thought of ever being together but we got to know each other in a working relationship. Take the advise think about it and do it before it is too late remember there will always be something getting in the way of telling her, to me it sounds like the xmas break would be a good time. Just do it. Good luck.

[Crystal Galadriel]

WOW! I never expected so many responses so quick! I figured it'd take a day or two before I got a bunch! Thank you all SOOOO much for sharing, I don't have time to read and respond to everyone right now, but I definitely will at least read them all tonight. Hopefully I can respond to everyone too, but if it keeps going at this pace it'll take me all night! But that's not a bad thing, I'm glad to be getting so much input! Thank you so much, everyone!

EDIT: Later that night....

Yeah, too many and too much to respond to personally...I'd be at this until tomorrow, I'd have so much to say! Nevertheless, thank you all for your comments and thoughts and opinions and everything. I've still got a lot of thinking to do to make sure I'm prepared for what's going to happen when I tell her. I'll definitely hold off on the hint-dropping, etc, until it's time to really tell her, and then just do it. I can't describe how wonderful it would be if she was accepting of my CDing, but if she wasn't, I honestly think I'd rather suppress it than lose her. I'd still be able to feel the same way I have been, just not dress the part. I've been mentally in girl-mode around her several times, even during alone time, and I think I could carry on like that without too much difficulty, at least for the time being. On the other hand, I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I lost her. Either way, I do think that she needs to know about it.

I think my best bet will just be to stay ready and tell her when things seem to be going on the easier side, whether that be during Christmas break or sometime after the next semester starts. I know there will never be a perfect time to tell her, but I don't want to pick a bad time, like when she's especially stressed or something.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Note to self -- List of things to stress:

I love her.
I'm still the same guy I was before.
I'm not gay.
I don't want to be a woman.
She's the only one I've ever shared this with.
I don't want to keep any secrets or lies from her.

I'm so glad that so many of you have found accepting SOs. I can only hope that I can be as lucky with the woman I love.

Thank you all soo much again. Anyone who wants to add anything, repeat anything, tell their own story, anything at all, everyone is very welcome to post more here, I started this but it doesn't have to be all about me (though I'd still be very accepting of absolutely any advice or recommendations that I can get). You're all great.

[Crystal Galadriel]

Feel free to respond to this or not, I just really had to get some of this out somewhere....



God, this is driving me insane...

Every time I talk to her, I find my need to tell her doubling or more. It's the the point that I'm practically struggling not to just come out and do it right this minute, but I know that she's very stressed right now, and telling her over the internet wouldn't exactly be a good idea. Damn, I really want to at least set it up for her, tell her there's something going on, but that'd only make her worry more....I feel like my head's going to explode if I don't get it out of me soon.

She's getting bored, she doesn't get to see me very often (about every other weekend) and when she does, it's always the same, partly because I haven't had any money to do anything with for a while and partly because I'm not that creative or spontaneous. A few minutes ago, I was seconds away from telling her that I could promise that there'd be something coming up that'd bring some excitement, but again, I'd only make her worry more.

I used to think about my earlier CDing when we first got together and how I didn't think I needed to tell her about it because it was in my past and it was embarrassing. I always figured I'd end up telling her sometime, but never worried about it. If I had told her back then, it wouldn't be as big of a deal now. And now I'm stuck here, really wanting to tell her and knowing that I really should tell her and that she really needs to know....but not yet. The anticipation is going to keep me distracted until I finally do tell her, I just know it. It consumes half of my thoughts whenever I'm with her and whenever I talk to her.

[Toni_Lynn]

telling her over the internet wouldn't exactly be a good idea.

Hey Crystal

Telling her power the internet is NOT a good idea at all - it is too impersonal and this is far too important, deep and personal to do in that way.

You have to do it in person so that you can hold her hand -- and she can hug you!

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[kathtx]

Hi Crystal,

It sounds like you're obsessing about this, and letting it distract you from everything else going on in you life. When you're with your girlfriend you're spinning your wheels on how to have "the talk" rather than enjoying the time with her. You do need to talk with her, but probably not during her final exams, and until then you've got to figure out how to get on with the rest of life. Obsession isn't healthy, for you or your relationships (or your semester grades).

Have you considered talking with a counselor? Your college health center probably has free counseling for students. If you're at one of the big universities in Kansas you can pretty much be guaranteed that the counselors have worked with transgendered students before and know the issues involved.

For encouragement, let me add that you're about the same age as I was when I came out to my SO. It's 23 years later and we're still happily married. There are lots of relationship horror stories out there, but sometimes it does work out.

Best wishes,

Kath

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks girls,

I've calmed down quite a bit since that post. Moderately stressful relationship occurrences right now, though nothing compared to some of the stuff we've been through already. I think it's just got me stressed out and worried about telling her. Talking to her and being around her has been reminding me that I need to tell her, I think you're right, I need to relax and get my mind off of it for a while. Obsession definitely isn't healthy.

Thank you very much for the encouragement, Kath, it helped put my mind at ease a little more. I'll be fine, just need to chill out and relax, nothing I can do about the timing, just gotta wait until it's good. Thanks girls.

[AmandaM]

Good advice here about her comfort level. There's a huge difference for many women if you want to occassionally dress, or if you want to dress everyday. First get a feel for her general reaction, if she accepts it, then don't push her away later by letting it become all-consuming. If it's all consuming now, let her know now. Or be prepared for a potentially bad reaction later. To sum it up, let her know the extent of your desires.

[ReineD]

I'm pulling for you, Crystal! Hang tight, just a few weeks more!

[Satrana]

When you do tell her, my best advice is not to blurt out that you are a CD or you want to wear women's clothes etc because that might immediately raise the wrong stereotypes in her mind which may make her close up.

Instead introduce the subject by talking about yourself and your feelings. Talk about what aspects of masculinity you feel uncomfortable with and what aspects of femininity you are attracted to. Talk about your need to integrate these aspects together and to stop pretending to just be a regular guy. But you must also talk about the aspects of being a guy that you love such as being her lover.

Ask her about her feelings in response to these revelations. Ask her how she feels about exploring a relationship where her man enjoys expressing the feminine side of himself alongside your masculine side.

Try to talk about your feelings at length without bringing up the subject of clothes or the term crossdresser. Leave that to the end by saying the consequence of your feelings is your desire to crossdress. Good luck!

Doing it this way will help her see this as an integral part of your personality and not just a fetish or passing phase.

[Genifer Teal]

When you tell her, I would try not to make a big deal of it. I know this is easier said than done. Part of her reaction will be based you how comfortable she perceives you are with it. I would be matter of fact about it. I might say things like " some people are like this. I happen to be one of them." Talk in a VERY POSITIVE way. "I have a greaterr appreciation for women." "not being the typical guy has benefits"

I'd probably not over explain it at first. Briefly tell her what it is and what it means to you. Then reassure her as you feel necessary - only love her, never want to fully transition, not gay ect. After that, back of and let her know you are open to any and all questions. Give her time & space to digest everything you have said. The rest is up to her. Hope it goes well.

Gem

[ReineD]

... and do we grab the opportunity with both hands to explain ourselves? (It's all up there, Crystal, "no, I don't really, though the ability to switch back and forth would be nice. I don't think I'd choose to be a girl over a guy, I'm happy the way I am. And before you ask, I'm definitely not gay...") Do we say that? No, we dive back into macho-land and answer with a monosyllable.

And then we ask other CDs how we can raise the subject and come out of our closets!

[Crystal Galadriel]

Good point, lol. I was just leaving her house at the time, and a thousand different things ran through my head, but I'm not very good at talking about stuff that I'm thinking about, especially not spur of the moment.

In my defense, my "no" was more like a "...No..."

What that means, I don't know.

She does know that I think about the gender-switching stuff a decent amount, but I think that I think about it a lot more than she thinks I think about it. (that was a complicated sentence)

Thank you all for the continued support and advice. I'll be trying and hoping for the best here in just a couple of weeks, I think.

[Samantha Kelsey]

The easiest way to handle the time between now and then is to make that time short. Tell her today. Every day you leave it is another day in which she may find out herself. If she does then imagine how she will feel. There are many threads on this forum which show the hurt and bad feeling suffered by many people due to the secrecy and cheating.

You are in a perfect position to prevent so much heartache and bad feeling for you both in the rest of your relationship with this girl.

DO IT NOW!! Please.

If you lose her because you told her then so be it, at least you will have allowed you both to live more happily in the long run. They always say its easier to see things with hind sight, well, there are enough of us on this forum who now have the benifit of painfully earned hindsight.

Please do it now.

[Crystal Galadriel]

First, I hope you all had good holidays and new year. I haven't been on the computer much, let alone this forum, over the past few weeks.

I've been enjoying my time with my SO more lately, been generally more relaxed and happier since I've been home for so long over winter break. I'm almost positive that she knows that SOMETHING is up, though I don't think she really knows what. She has a tendency to ask me "Is something wrong?" a lot, but half the time nothing's even going on. I think it's mostly because I sigh a decent little bit, but it's usually a contented sigh, I just enjoy being around her.

She's going to the same college as me this next semester, so she's transferring jobs up there. Her last day of work here is on Wednesday, so I've picked Thursday as the day to tell her. I'll be prepping myself over the next couple of nights. I don't know exactly how I'm going to tell her yet, but I'll work it out. I'm planning to take her out to dinner, and I'm not sure what else. I'm very confident that everything will be fine with it. I don't expect her to be excited about it or anything, especially right off the bat, but I do think that she'll at least be ok with it, and hopefully somewhat accepting, given a couple of days to absorb it.

By telling her Thursday, we'll have plenty of opportunity to spend time together to talk over the rest of Thursday, Friday, and the weekend, and it's not immediately before she goes to school. Move-in day is next Tuesday, so hopefully it should give her a little bit of time between work and school where she can try to absorb it a little bit.

I'll be reading all kinds of things about telling SO's on here over the next couple of days. Please wish me luck, I'll update with what happens once I've told her.

[Christina Horton]

You are in a perfect position to prevent so much heartache and bad feeling for you both in the rest of your relationship with this girl.

DO IT NOW!! Please.

If you lose her because you told her then so be it, at least you will have allowed you both to live more happily in the long run. They always say its easier to see things with hind sight, well, there are enough of us on this forum who now have the benifit of painfully earned hindsight.

Please do it now.

Whats the easy way to tell her let see, yor start with,( I have something I realy need to tell you , It's not bad news but it weaird and very hard for me to bring up.) then you tell her the beat way you can. All ways letting her know how much you love her etc. Some women only can deal wit the frist thing you say liie I a a crossdresser And have been for years. Sometimes they need time to think about it . This is not all ways a bad sing. Over load for them . SO give her only what she can take , don't start telling her what dresses painties you like etc. Wait untill she is better with it. If she says ( oh thats wonderfull I allways wanted to have a boyfriend who dresses like a girl.) If you get that we will all HATE YOU BITCH) lol we would all be very happy for you. Just walk softly and you hopfully will be fine . Good luck HUN

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I guess if you have been reading this website, then you now know that crossdressing is not just a "phase" that will go away - most of us thought that it would go away after we were married - WRONG - it NEVER goes away - so if I were you, I would try talking about this with your SO - I would not shave any body hair or do anything to your body - this is a real good way to piss her off forever.
Had experience,
JoAnne Wheeler

[Bootsiegalore]

She jokingly suggested that I shave it all off

My wife took great erotic pleasure in shaving me for the first time! She even wanted to see stockings on my legs and put them on me! She was pissed when my legs looked better than hers!

Tara

[MissConstrued]

I would not shave any body hair or do anything to your body - this is a real good way to piss her off forever.
Had experience,
JoAnne Wheeler

I've had experience, too... of a different sort. I kept my body hairless long before I ever met my first steady girlfriend. That changes the whole dynamic. It's not something I'm springing on them well into a relationship -- it's just me, take it or leave it.

Never had one leave it. There's no explanation necessary, and there's no prolonged discussion of "why are your legs shaved?" in the heat of that first intimate moment. Biological imperative rules over social mores, every time. It's an arched eyebrow, a shrug of the shoulders, and on about it. There's a neurological programming element, too. If you're smooth, and she enjoys herself, the two will subconsciously merge in her mind.

Naturally, when she discovers how smooth I am, she gets ideas... "I bet you'd look good in this" kind of ideas. Ow, ow, stop twisting my arm!

You young, single CDers out there, take heed. If nothing else, make sure that what you want from her in the future is what you want, right now. You are taken for who you are at the beginning, and surprising her later on with a sudden change in grooming habits or sartorial choices is almost certain to result in friction, and not the good kind.

You've got to be yourself before you ever ask the girl on the first date. If you're not, then you are practicing deception.

[Crystal Galadriel]

The body hair thing really isn't a big deal at this point. I don't plan on shaving myself any time soon, if ever. Hell, I even keep a beard.

Like most people here, at first I thought that the desire to crossdress would go away after a while. I assumed that it was just curiosity or whatever and that it wouldn't be a big deal later on in my life. As of late, I've realized that it's not going away, simple as that. As a result, I know I need to tell my SO about it, and I'm going to. Was just looking for some advice on what to do leading up to that point.

But, that point is today. Happy Thursday, January 8th, 2009 everybody. I've been battling a cold for the past day or two, and am still feeling fairly stuffy-headed, but I'm hoping to be better by this evening. I've planned to take my SO out to dinner, then back to my families house for board games. My younger siblings have to go to bed fairly early since they have school tomorrow, so after games we're going back to her house, where I plan to have "the talk" with her.

I'm not bringing any girly stuff with me, no clothes or anything at all. I don't have any physical material for her to read, but I've done a little bit of research on the internet, and besides this site, have found another "SO's of CD's" only support group as well as two recommended books on the subject. I'll be spending the rest of the day trying to plan how I'm going to start, and I'm sure I'll be nervous all through dinner and games.

Few last minute questions that all of you here might be able to give me advice on:

I've read several examples where the CD wrote a letter of some kind to his SO and then talked about it afterwards, rather than telling her. I think this would probably be easier, as you could make sure that you didn't forget to say anything, etc. What do you think, is this a decent option?

I'm planning on telling her at the start of the evening that I have something I want to talk to her about tonight once we get back to her house, so that she's not surprised when I want to have a serious conversation instead of something more "enjoyable". Do you think this is a good idea, or do you think it'll make her worry all night and be really tense instead?

Any advice at all would still be very much appreciated.

[BlUeDrAgOn]

I revealed my secret to my wife last november, by reuniting a few documents that I found on the net and that I thought showed my case in a serious way. Let's be honest: the vast majority of what one finds on the net about this subject is total trash.

I gave her the texts and I let her read them in private, so that she could digest this a litte bit before we could talk about it (I think I wouldn't have the courage to tell her in person anyway).

I don't know about your SO, but in most cases, they need some time to digest it (some women never accept it, some try to forget it exists and others support it in full). In my case, at first we even talked about divorce, but now things are a little better (she doesn't want to see me en femme, but she lets me do it as long as she doens't find out).

There's one thing you must not forget: there's always the possibility that she breaks up with you, but I think that if she really loves you she'll try to understand it.