Dear all. I have been a member here since I think, last summer. I am 49 yrs.
By then, I was married, a marriage that was in trouble, but not to the point we were about to break up. I was depressed. I thought that my wife was so mean to me since a couple of years back. Especially every time we had had sex. For me that is the moment when I am the least mean. Meaning, I had such problems understanding why she was.
I have been a cross dresser since childhood. I told my wife this when we met. She didn't like it so I have tried to quit, but obviously failed so many times and hated myself for it. This I beleive have made me very vulnerable to criticism from her side. I think my low self asteam combined with here being so tough on me led me to my state of depression.
Anyway, I pushed her after being encouraged by my psychiatrist to start accepting this side of me, but that just made the conflict between us bigger. Finally in december we agreed to split up. I found a house and bought it. I moved out in february, but I still had hope that my wife would miss me when i was gone, as I missed her (and the kids) so very much. In march, I begged her to take me back. I was willing to do anything, stop crossdressing and much more. Just to get back in her life. I didn't get a straight answer then, so I kept on hoping. I hated being alone I truly hate it still. I still love her for some reason.
So the date came when we had a meeting with a family therapist. I had hoped that going there and talking about our problems could show us a way to get back together. But the day before, my wife finally gave me notice that we were never going to get back together. Ok, that was a tought one, but in a way, I felt releived. Why? Well I have always considered marriage being for life. For better or for worse was no joke to me. This was worse, I am sick with depression. We have had many years of better. Now she is the one ending it, not me. Sort of made me feel I was anyway not the one to break the promise we gave to each other back in 1992.
Now, if you have stayed with me this far, I am getting closer to the point.
Last friday, I came to the old house to pick up my daughter. She had a problem with her iphone. So i started working on it. I had to receive a mail to get instructions how to go about it. So, I opened the old laptop from my past. Opened hotmail. Didn't think so much about that I got in to it without entering email address or password. I was a bit stressed just by being there.
Then I saw a mail I hadn't noticed before. It was from a man named Kenneth. Ok, I have missed that one I thought and opened it to see what it was before I started working on the iphone.
Can you imagine my surprise when it was a mail to my wife (yes it was her mailbox I opened, she also have hotmail) where this man described the time they have had togehter since 2011. How it all started with him kissing her on her neck etc. and how many times they have made love. Ok so now I understand what she had been doing to friday evening she said she would go to see a movie with friends. AW, trips to their office in another town.
Now I was in a state of chock. So many emotions hit me. Everyting was blurry. I don't remember how I managed to get my daughter to school. I probalby shouldn't have taken the car but I was just mind blown. I confronted her in a SMS and told her I never wanted to see her or be in contact with her again.
The incredible thing is, after I understood she would never let me back in her life again, I started to see women in a way I had not done since 1989 (when we met). I never during the time we were together been interested in any other woman. Almost in desperation, I asked a woman out to dinner, a woman I liked but barely knew. We had decided to meet that very same friday when I found out my wifes unfaithfullness.
It turned out that we had a wonderful time. I liked her alot, and strangely enough, she liked me too. So we met again sunday for lunch. We met again wednesday for dinner and then yesterday and I am really in love. I can say that she is in love with me even though no one should trust my judgement after being decieved for such a long time.
So my emoutions are so mixed now. I don't love my wife after what se did to me (well ok, I do, but I understand I must stop that), but I am so sad over the fact that I got so humiliated, so deceived, by the one person in this world that wasn't supposed to treat me that way.
On the other hand, I am quite in love with this new woman and I can't wait to see her again. I am really scarred that the emotions I have now and the emotions she is showing won't last. In a way, she has brought self asteam baack to me and I do believe that someone can love me, but I hope she is the real deal.
She was at my house this saturday. She came to me around 2PM. I had been away mountainbiking with friends before that. She stayed till around 10PM when I drove her home. We went for walk in the beautiful surroundings where I live. We had dinner at a nice restaruant by the sea. I had hoped she would spend the night, but she thinks it is to soon. Which I guess it is. Anyway, we had a wonderful day together. Both of us had serious troubles calling it a day.
So why am I posting this? Well I need to just get it off my chest. Even though I have discussed this part with other freinds. But now the big question. Should I tell her about my crossdressing? Before she came to my house, I put away all my femaled clothes, shoes and wigs. And I have a lot now. I just can't stand the idea that she would't want to see me again. But on the other hand, I am totally incapable of deceiving someone I care so much about. God damn it how difficult this is.
