Aspects I Don't Understand

[Mary Morgan]

Sobe, I'd love to give you the answers you seek, but I too am confused by all of this. I find my need to express my feminine self to be irrational and impossible to explain to others. I can only grope with possibilities and then I am admittedly inconsistant about it. I can only tell you with certainty the following: I need, no I must express this part of me; it is not just the clothes, I love the time I am "em femme" as we say; I hate putting my drab back on; I am defensive and therefore inconsistant about all of it; I sometimes feel persecuted about it; I don't think there is anything unnatural about it; I do wish that I could move in society without scorn; I love who I am and I want others to love me too, I hate that my needs are a detriment to that for some. We live in a society of judges, too fat, too tall, too much money, too little money, too butch, too feminine, too much judgement!

[WyomingDiva]

I find my need to express my feminine self to be irrational and impossible to explain to others...I need, no I must express this part of me...

Wow...now you sound like my SO. Insightful.

And if this is how he feels, is it any wonder that I (and sounds like many other GGs here) am so scared and confused??? Afterall, I know my SO and I mirror each other's emotions and mental states QUITE often.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

For example, he wants breasts and takes herbs to help with that and also talks about having surgery to have implants. I don't know what to think...

Many TGs have a deep desire to have breasts. That's why all these quack herbal concoctions exist - to exploit desperate and vulnerable people. None of this is of itself diagnostic of transsexualism. Transgendism is not a simple either/or thing. It's a complex patchwork of traits of desires.

[Melanie R]

Sobe,

Have you read the books of Dr. Peggy Rudd and/or Helen Boyd? If not please do so as most of the answers to your questions and concerns are addressed in those books written by the wives of transgendered persons. In reality there are no simple answers to all your questions and concerns.

[Dita_B]

Well it took me the better part of the Sunday, but I just wanted you to know that I was finally able to get it in there.

I rewrote the post in MS Word and copied and pasted it into my original post using the edit feature. A little bit of editing and VoilÃ*...

I wish to thank all those who sent me personal messages with good advise. You are all very kind and compassionate as could be expected from you bunch of girls!

...and KandisTX, you can now read my post if you are still interested...

Thank you all again, you are all sweethearts...

Dita.

[sobe1ove GG]

Now this reaches to the core of the crossdressing issue. IMHO there is NO COMPROMISE in the cross dressing issue. The crossdressing is not going away, no matter what the consequences. Most crossdressers, me included, have done the dressing for most of their lives, regardless of circumstances or danger of discovery… And we all keep doing it despite what consequences are at stake. It is an evolution process as well because we live and learn. We get better at all aspect of it including better covering our tracks and improving our female appearance… Finally there comes a time when we all conquer our guilt and wish to claim our unalienated right to express ourselves for what we really are. This is a life time process and it is not reversible nor negotiable. Any OTHER issue may be negotiable EXCEPT cross dressing. I am sorry to say this, but in my world this is the way I am and how it stands. I risk a 38 year marriage with my cross dressing and when I recently introduced Dita to my unaccepting SO, she had huge issues with it. She asked me to compare the impact seeing me dressed as Dita with her introducing herself in army fatigues, well knowing that I like to see her dressed as feminine as possible and as often as possible and also that I hate everything army with a passion… (No offense meant to those who wear the uniform out of free choice).
Well, I gave her some sheepish answer, because I couldn’t answer properly… Here it is where we are at loggerheads and I am not going to budge, because budging would mean lying and the lying and deceiving is over and behind me, I had it with lying. So the crossdressing is not going away and the lying is not an option… Not a good start for a negotiation, isn’t it? So I sincerely hope that she can find it in her love for me to accept the crossdresser in me and I in turn will try not to rub her face into it. Every time when Dita now returns from one of her outings, I consider myself in army fatigues in her eyes and although I am ecstatic to see myself in the mirror dressed as Dita and despite I hate it with a passion to take Dita off, I’ll do it for her in an effort to minimize the impact… I noticed for instance that she doesn’t look at Dita when she enters the house. She purposely avoids the sight of her…

.......


In resume it is a complicated issue and I have limited myself to answering your questions only and I tried to stay away from going on a tangent. However, I would want to stress to you that your relationship is at stake…in your position in regards to your boyfriend’s cross dressing. If he is anything like me, he will not abandon his cross dressing urge, no matter what. He may promise, but in the end the urge will show being stronger than himself. And if you are unaccepting the crossdressing will move back into the closet and/or the lying and secret phase will start all over again. It is up to you what you chose. I wouldn’t be able to live with a partner that dresses in army fatigues out of passion, much less making love to her, so I can understand that a compromise for his crossdressing may not be in your dictionary. However, if you would compromise, he would still be the guy you fell in love with and perhaps you may realize that one of the reasons you fell in love with him may well have been the fact that he acted towards you more from the female side of things…

Dita... Thanks for the thoughtful response. I really need to talk about the points I quoted, though.

You think there can be no compromise on the CD side. Well, to clear things up, I am not, and would never, ask him to stop CDing. That's not the issue.

Things that would need compromise are maybe how often he does it, who we tell, how often he goes out, and so on. I feel that if you, or he, can't compromise on those things and expect us, the GGs to do all of the bending, then maybe you don't love us enough.

[Lora Olivia]

Very interesting thread hon...for me at this stage I consider myself to be bi gendered, a term that I believe fits me. I AM a male and female personality in a genetic male body although there is some ambiguity there as well since I have nice B cup very femme breasts with prominent sensitive nipples. I only came out of my own denial in the last few years and at the point of me driving (him) crazy I came out to my wife. Of course there was all the usual questions, are you gay, do you want a sex change or are you just playing a game and trying to drive me crazy. Now she has learned that many of the traits that she liked in (him) were me. She has told me things about her past that she hadn't told him in 25 years or anyone else for that matter. Now how much better can it get that she can have (him) and a very bestest friend. The 1 other thing in your posts that I wanted to comment on was the need for us kind of people to go out and why for alot of us just the acceptance of an SO is not enough. When I do get out I feel so alive, to have a hostess at a restaurant say "Good Evening ladies, can I get you a table or a booth" or the server "What can I get you girls to drink" Now that is true validation. In the times I have been out I have gotten a couple looks but were they truly a "hey is that a man" look? Not sure but I do know that they were few out of hundreds of people. Anyway Sobe hon kudo's to you for trying to understand.

Oh and Dita hon...if you sit there thinking and typing for a fe minutes like I just did and then have it tell you you dont have permission just log in on that page and it posts right up

[Holly]

...then maybe you don't love us enough.

So then, do I understand you to be saying that your mates ability to display his love for you is contingent upon how much he will bend to your will? Using your logic, then perhaps you don't love him enough to accept him as he is.

[sobe1ove GG]

So then, do I understand you to be saying that your mates ability to display his love for you is contingent upon how much he will bend to your will? Using your logic, then perhaps you don't love him enough to accept him as he is.

I'm in a weird place right now. It seems that we are most likely breaking up. Mostly because he is not willing to compromise at all. Not even a little. So... I think that's disrespectful. It's like me expecting him to give up CDing altogether. It's not nice on either side.

[Lora Olivia]

oh no hon...i feel for you i really do more

[WyomingDiva]

there is NO COMPROMISE in the cross dressing issue. The crossdressing is not going away, no matter what the consequences.

What's confusing about this for me, is DH has told me this. I can see that. I believe it.

But in the next conversation, he says he'd give it up if that's what it took to keep our relationship intact.

I guess he and I are going to have to talk about THIS issue soon. Ack.

[Rachel Morley]

I gotta be honest .... it must be so hard for a woman who likes her man to be a "man" discover that he's a crossdresser. That is if he's the sort of cder who hides it well and then springs it on her.

No matter how loving an accepting a person is, if it grates with the very core of what it is you want in your life you can't really ... not truly ...not fully .... accept it.

I know in my heart of hearts that if my wife were to want to dress in manly plaid shirts, boots and jeans, with false facial hair etc .. and want to do it regularly, I wouldn't love her any less, because she's still is the woman inside I married (she does actually sometimes dress like this at home for fun. Click HERE if you don't believe me ....yes this pic really is Marla GG) but I sure would miss seeing her in feminine floaty skirts and heels

[MJ]

I'm in a weird place right now. It seems that we are most likely breaking up. Mostly because he is not willing to compromise at all. Not even a little. So... I think that's disrespectful. It's like me expecting him to give up CDing altogether. It's not nice on either side.

sobe i am sorry to hear this , as much as we are hard wired from birth to be this way i also understand gg are also hard wired at birth to want only a man thats the hardest thing we just don't get ... some girls like girls and then the boys who love boys and everything in between some of us here are lucky some of us are not it's finding that balance thats keeps us together and respect on both sides

[kittypw GG]

.

"It would be easier".
I think this is a crucial statement.
IMO, yes it would be easier from a certain point of view, even for the SOs, because it is a clear and simple statement that doesn't really violate the gender norms and social settings and hence it is more easy to "understand".

"Just have SRS, and everything is according to the norms again"
"Just pass as a woman and everything is according to the norms again".

Most likely there are some CDs that are actually transsexuals in denial, but I am convinced that there are by far more CDs that desperately that try to present themselves as a woman are actually men in denial.

Meaning the constant pressure of justification, self-justification, explanations , the lack of a normal development of male femininity, the usually temporal restricted chance to dress, the "urge driven" expression of feminity etc. will lead in quite a few cases to the at least temporary denial of the male part of the personality.

I am convinced that most of the problems and questions for the CDs and SOs, impulsive behaviors etc. would vanish into thin air, if a "normal development of male feminity" would be (would have been) possible.

Marla,
Your position is very compelling and I have pondered this even before meeting and getting married to my CD husband.

I tried to raise my son in a way that allowed him to express his "true" self. I tried to stay away from all the gender trappings of our society. He developed great creativity but was somewhat confused about where he fit in with everyone else. I don't mean genderwise but just thinking wise. If all parents would adapt this way of thinking it would be easier for our little girls and boys to accept themselves and develope a true sense of who they are IMO. One of the guys that I work with has a son. He tells his son that he can't cry when he is hurt but he has to rub it and shake it off. I think this is in part what you are talking about. The supression of what is perceived as feminine in our little males. It is a great shame that we do this. It makes it hard for the non gender effeminate males to fit in an feel a sense of acceptance.

I could go on about this subject, I feel quite strongly about it, but I won't. Thanks for your comments and the food for thought. Kitty


PS Sobe I hope that you and Leah B can find some common ground. It would be a shame to loose a love over lack of comprimise. I know it is hard but try to keep the emotion out of things. Maybe step back away from the topic for a while to gain some perspective? Kitty

[crunchysoda]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sobe1ove GG
For me, it would be easier to know because then I wouldn't have to constantly worry. Right now, my Leah B is confused about whether he is TS or not. And, I don't want to be with him if he is and plans to live full time as a woman.


Quote:
Frankly, I would like to know as soon as possible so that I don't waste all this time for a futile end. Know what I mean?

Originally Posted by MJ
why say that !!! you do know there are toys .. and you have a best friend and she is already house broken

What? I am confused, are you saying the answer is just to go get a vibrator? Really you jest.

[Marla S]

For me, it would be easier to know because then I wouldn't have to constantly worry. Right now, my Leah B is confused about whether he is TS or not. And, I don't want to be with him if he is and plans to live full time as a woman.

Frankly, I would like to know as soon as possible so that I don't waste all this time for a futile end. Know what I mean?

I think I know what you mean and I think there is nothing wrong with your point of view.

Things that would need compromise are maybe how often he does it, who we tell, how often he goes out, and so on. I feel that if you, or he, can't compromise on those things and expect us, the GGs to do all of the bending, then maybe you don't love us enough.

I think it is not a question of love or something that can be measured in degrees of love.
IMO love provides time for the difficult task to get a grip on CDing within a relationship; nothing more and nothing less. This time should be wisely used.

Given CDing is an expression of a basic need (I believe it is), than it is somehow comparable to other basic needs.
One of which would be eating (I know it sounds silly, but on my long time search of something that has some parallels to Cding, I think it has quite a few).

Hard to imagine that someone is able to follow an advise like:
If you love me you eat once a week only.
If you love me you eat fish only.

Probably it will work for a short time (because of love), but not in the long run.
Is this a sign for a lack of love ?
No, it is a sign that basic needs will pave their way on any risk. If there is a huge deficiency of a basic need your subconscious will switch off your ratio just to supply the want ; you act like in trance or like standing beside yourself.
This is usually called the urge and might experienced by the SO as selfishness of the CD.

To stress the eating analogy a bit further:
If one tries to force the eating behavior into a certain pattern which doesn't suit the own needs (conscious, subconscious, physical) this can lead to eating disorders.
I think it is similar for CDing.
IMO most CDs will at least start with some kind of "dressing disorder" that have parallels with some eating disorders (too much, too sweet, too often, overeating due to frustration, bulimia (dress and purge), etc.), because we are forced and force ourselves into patterns we don't really fit in.

I think what is needed is to get rid of the disordered part.
This doesn't mean to get rid of CDing, it does mean to get rid of some inner and outer restrictions.
Only then I think it is possible unwrap the "real degree of transness" and to become able to make compromises.

How to achieve this ... I DON'T KNOW ! (Probably there isn't a universal answer anyway)

My approach to get there was and is:
What ever I do, I have to find a level that I am able to live and maintain 24/7 everywhere and in front of everyone.
So far I ended up as feminine man or effeminate man (however you want to call it), being able to dress more drabish for certain, rare occasions, but also to have my more girlish days.

[MJ]

What? I am confused, are you saying the answer is just to go get a vibrator? Really you jest.

no i am not saying that at all if you read my post here you would understand that ... we go out look for our "perfect mate" we find qualities we love and fall in love and over time that love grows deeper and one day we find out something we just don't understand .. my god my night in shining Armour wears womans cloths , but what about the love and respect built up over years ... is it worth losing everything and starting over with someone you don't know what if he is a woman beater or a drunk did you trade up ...
just for the record we "guys " here love you girls so much we would do and try anything to make it work we don't ever want to lose you
i would think it makes sense to try to live with the other woman after all most gg have been doing that all along you just did not know it ..
i also understand sometimes that can't happen
it is so gross to be with a cd'r ?should a soul have a gender

[Mary Morgan]

I don't mean to frighten you or confront you, but I am trying to say that like so many other parts of me, this is who I am and I must exercise it. I could no more deny my transgender nature than my left-handedness, my artistic nature, my love of family and so on. It goes to the essence of who we are, what makes us unique, special, and valuable.

[Angie G]

Sobe this is a good post and the points you make are good ones nothing in if offends me and I'm inagreement with a lot of it I do compromise with the wife she gives and I give and it work for us I would never take us some were without her input on it
Angie

[Carin]

What's confusing about this for me, is DH has told me this. I can see that. I believe it.

But in the next conversation, he says he'd give it up if that's what it took to keep our relationship intact.

I guess he and I are going to have to talk about THIS issue soon. Ack.

I've said that too. The gut-wrenching grief of the thought of loosing your life-partner is overwhelming. I would take a bullet for my SO. But in some respects, that would be the easy way out. For some - me included - to deny all expression of being transgendered would be to kill of a part of myself, and the part of me left over would be a miserable lump.

So compromise. For some it is easy, for some it is not. "You can only be yourself on Thursdays"! If that is close to meeting my needs, that works. If my core being needs more expression that that then what I hear is "I reject you on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

We can compromise on what to eat for dinner, what tv show to watch. We can compromise on buying a car or saving our money. It is not possible to compromise your core chemistry. You can surrender some of the expression. But it does feel like compromising your own self.

For the SO it feels like compromising her self to unequivocally accept and support that which she is not comfortable with some or much of the time.

That is the ultimate dilemma in a relationship. How do you compromise your sense of self, for your partner.

[AmberTG]

Very few people can compromise on their core personality, they can hide it, but they cannot change it. To compromise past a certain point will cause resentment, and that resentment, from either side will eat away at a relationship, like rust on steel. Eventually, the relationship becomes too corroded and falls apart.

[Chantelle CD]

May i have a shot at this one <lol>

- Some people say that they don't get where an SO is coming from when they are upset since it's just clothes? Then these same people turn around and say how much they need these clothes in order to express who they are inside. If the clothes weren't a big deal, like you'd like to tell an SO, then you, in theory, wouldn't need them in order to express yourself. Just be a guy then. So I think that theory is wrong and that people believe certain things only when it is convenient for them. Don't say it's only clothes when you feel you need those clothes in order to express who you are on the inside. If they were just clothes, you wouldn't need them.

First off, i do get when an SO says she is upset, this is not an easy thing to get, and i think a lot of Cd's get carried away with this gender thing, and i say this knowing that i will get flak from peops here, know that ill never get replys from those that judge my views, and thats ok i dont care, im gona give it anyways
To say its just cloths, is a attempt to get the SO to just accept it, the cloths are important, they help or make us transform!!! damn right there important, so is the make up, the wig, the forms, the padding. And your totally right, if they are just cloths, you wouldn't need them, they are more than that. Is it who i am truly inside??? For me, to call what i am when dressed all i am inside, is so limiting, fact is, we all are all that can be felt, not just the female feelings and emotions, all the male ones, all the joy, fear, absolutely everything we can feel and take inside 100%, is us. People take these feelings in, and totally enjoy them, run with them, and some to the max!! Really how hard is it to believe, we are what we feel at any given moment??? i can totally feel femme and pretty in any clothing i have on, and in an instant i can feel macho, masculine, handsome, just like that!!!! Can go from feeling anger, to happiness, just like that!! don't believe me, try it yourself, we all can. god gave us all free will, and its peoples free will that labels what they feel inside, and call it what it is they truly are. Be all you can be!!

- My boyfriend said that he needs to go out as a woman because he needs to be treated as a woman. He needs to be treated this way, and then he will feel complete. Now, I don't understand this at all. How does what strangers think have anything to do with who you are inside? You are still TG or CD, whether or not people see you. If you see you, then that's what you are. I also feel saddened that what strangers think is more important than what I, his girlfriend, thinks on the matter. Curious.

<sigh> <deep breath>

This one may seem different for others, but i think there is still some truth in regards to this one. For me i don't want to be treated as a woman really, i want people to see me and accept what it is i am feeling as real, the more i see this the more i am happy in knowing what i am feeling feels right, BUT believe me, i really LOVE feeling like a man, and having that accepted, feels just as good!!! I guess it is a feeling of completeness, its not so much what strangers think so much, as feeling acceptance, and the freedome to express outwardly, not just in the confinds of your home, these feelings that we can feel. Going out does, let us do this, It is so liberating to feel this side of the coin, she becomes alive, after being dormant for so so long, I DONT understand tossing the male side at all!!! That feels so good too!!! And it is how we were born. I said to my sister the other day when we were out dressed.... " I dont know what i would prefer more..being a GG and really being this i feel, or what i am, a man feeling what i can, and feeling this side i do when dressed so much as i do''. And honestly, i think if i was a GG, it would feel as normal as being a guy does, and the total joy of feeling what i do when dressed would not be there. To feel femme outside in the world, let these feelings and movements be natural, outside of just the home, is so so liberating for lac of a better word, imagine, being able to feel these feelings, for as long as you can remember, and never being able to express them outside of private, and by yourself, and then you go out, and you can!! its a feeling i cant even begin to describe. We are what we feel at any given moment, and to choose to feel these things, and be out, i cant describe Imagine going back in time, and all woman, had to be girly girls, dresses and skirts only, walk like a lady, be feminine all the time, no more pants, no more T shirts, no more just walking normal. I love a feminine woman, i would very much like that, in school all girls wore jeans, all high waisted jeans, i loved them on them too, but now, girls jeans are all low rise, going even closer to mens jeans, Hmmm what is womans styles heading towards? FTM CDing???? seems that way to me. Why, cause it makes them feel more than they can, so really why is it tabo for ment to have this???? if people really cant understand this, then i think every one should go back to girly girls, and ware dresses only. Its all about expression, isnt it?

I don't really think it's what strangers think that is more important than what you do, that is the key, its that he wants to express at the moments he wishes to.

- What is up with the whole 'if you don't like it, leave' attitude when it comes to MTF and their girlfriends/wives? If this was any other issue, we would certainly be able to voice our opinions and have compromises. But, since it is about your inner turmoil over who you are 'on the inside', we GGs sometimes lose our rights as people and partners. You even see it on the boards

That altitude is not healthy, especially for a relationship, Again this thing about how you are on the inside is CRAP!! Again, its what we can feel at a moment we can!! its not all anyone is!!! Ya we can feel and grow a female persona, and it can become very real and alive, but damn it, take it all off, and we are men again, and ummmmmm yaaaa this is totally real as well, They need to come up with a name for people that can feel both sides of the coin!! completely. Or is that what TG really means, honestly i hate the term CD, im a man that can feel so much inside, so much more than most men can, that buy into men are to be macho he men, limiting perspective completely. CD makes me feel freakish!!! like its not normal, how about...... ''Emotionally literate'' I like that one better!!!!

You shouldn't lose your rights to be partners, but how hard is it to accept allowing your man to be free to express all he can, its when they run with it, let it consume them, and they forget what a man feels like, that becomes a problem, this will destroy a relationship faster than you can shake a stick!! Again i think saying .... If you don't like it leave, is an attempt to get you to just accept what it is he is doing. Maybe he is being obsessive and losing his male self in the possess, and your not accepting this is because you hate to see him go???

"Oh, well, this is who we are, so deal with it."

Be a man more, that is what you were born, please your wife, let her feel like a woman in a mans arms, deny her that, and she will leave!!! Another TRUTH. He can make any excuse in the book, there is a million of em, reality is....he is more than just that.

Let's say my boyfriend wanted to make a huge change that would affect our relationship in a large way forever. And let's say that it had nothing to do with his gender identity. I suppose only THEN would I, and other GGs have a say. I don't understand how that can be okay. Don't forget that it's a partnership. And I'm not saying that you should have to give up CDing. I will never say that is a good thing. Just COMPROMISE.

First thin about this, is the term gender identity, you are what you were born!! how can it be any different???? you can just feel what you can feel, express what you can express. Thats it. Hate being a man, hey i can feel like a woman, im a woman in a mans body!!! OMFG gime a break!! God made you a man, or call it the luck of the gene draw, what ever.....thats what you are, live your life as one!!! Express what you will!!!!! You are 100% right it is a partnership!!! and one is all about COMPROMISE!!! Just how obsessive is he??? How much of the blinders has he over his eyes??? Me saying this may make you want to defend him, you love him, but reality is reality, right, from your post, i sense a bit of a battle in your relationship, i don't know whats its all about, i just get what i have read from you, and have to decipher it as best i can, ill talk to you here in this reply in truth as i see it, thats it, take it if you will.....or not, i hope that what i say gives you some comfort, or understanding.

- Sometimes it seems like CDers aren't emulating real women, but their idealized and generalized view of a woman. It's very 1950's. They wear panty hose, which most women don't wear unless they absolutely have to. They wear clothes that are too young for them and skirts that are too short. When I first heard from my guy about what crossdressers were like, I assumed they were trying to be real women. Boy was I wrong! I don't mean to offend anyone with this one, so I'm sorry if I did.

<another deep breat>

Ok...I don't emulate a woman, i feel female feelings and emotions, femininity, and express it. Thats it. Its not hard to understand, i do it because i can, and it feels good. Plane and simple. panty hose don't do a lot for me, but cover up my work scared legs, <but i have learned about a product that covers these scares for your legs YAAAA> You didn't offend me at all, but i think you don't really realize the truth about what this really is, i don't think a lot do, The feelings are real, not emulating, not trying to be a woman, But expressing what you feel, and hey....its what a woman does, cause the energy is real. I don't have to watch woman and copy them, i see there movements and grace, and recognize it, its what i feel too!!! How about that huh....<chuckles> A lot of what most dress like, is how they wish to feel, how they like to express what the do feel, no biggie, to go out and express femininity and be a man doing it, its better to dress to blend in.

- Speaking of what some CDers wear, I was talking with my guy and he said that he would, in reality, prefer to be on the androgynous side of the female identity. I said, "well, why now" and he said that since it was harder to pull off, he needs to be a whole lot more girly in his appearance. Umm, what? I thought this was about expressing who you truly are! This instead sounds like you are substituting one mask for another and still hiding from yourself. Do other people have this problem?

This may show you what im saying is true, you can feel what ever you wish to feel, it has nothing to do with what you truly are!!! you are all you can feel!!! Hiding from yourself is....not allowing yourself to express what it is you want to express, if one is a man and wants to totally express femme, then so be it, do SRS too if you want, be ready to deal with reality of doing this though. Heard so much about this, have meet a few peops that are going threw this now, and they have counselors, fight depression, cause they basically are turning there backs on the side of the coin that they were born, and in reality, its the way they will get 100% acceptance from the outside world, how can that not be depressing??? again all this what i truely am stuff, is simply because people do not understand energy, and reality, feeling what ever you chose, is simply free will. There is a saying i believe in, and that is "fake it untill you make it" in other words, if you are sad and depressed, you will attract even more of this energy to you, you can however, force feeling good and happy, and hold onto it, and you will start to change what comes back to you, this is powerful, and works, why???? because what you feel at any moment, is real, and will draw to you more of the same, because energy is magnetic!! Truth again.

What he wishes to feel can and will change, as his desires change to express what he wishes to differently.

- I've read people posting about how they knew they had gender issues when they: liked pink, preferred to avoid sports, liked cooking instead of sports cars, and etcetera. Umm... what decade are you living in? And honestly, so you liking things that go a bit against the norm all of a sudden makes you a girl on the inside? What message is that for young men? So if you see that your son would rather play with a Barbie, are you going to sit him down and tell him he's transgendered? He, and you, can like that stuff while still being a man. I think that hinders the progress of men everywhere to think that they can't like those things and still be manly. Preferring cooking over sports is NO indication of gender identity issues in my humble opinion.

Your totaly right!!! this will hinder the progress of men!!! Some men like to cook, dont like sports, and dont drink beer!! so what!!! linking this to gender, is a cop out!! because of what i said above!!

Now i know what i have said im going to get some that will judge me for what i believe in, not reply to my posts, i was going to reply to you in a message, but changed my mind, there is a reason i have what i do as a signature, judgment is the crime in life, i may be baned for saying what i believe, like others have, if i do i wont come back, because i will know that this place is riddled with it, and not working to help others communicate about this they are fighting with, the reason we are here maybe?? Any ways, you asked i replied how i understand what this is to me, and that is simply we are what we feel at any given time, chose what you feel to be that fits for you, its not all that you are, nor is it what you truly are, thats to limiting!!! When others see and feel what you are putting out, they will recognize it, and believe it, cause what you feel is real, this is how you pass!!! no matter how well you make yourself up, if you forget for one second what your putting out, and feel male energy, you will get had fast!!! My sister told me when we were at the mall, she watched one person look at me, and not know what i really was, i was going threw fear, focusing on female energy, and going back to trying to protectmyself, my male side, the persone didnt know what i was, and she knew i was a CD when my male side was to convincing for her, and she shook her head knowingly, my sister seen it, and told me later, i told my sis, i was fighting then going back and forth, because i was having a hard time focusing on what i needed to because of fear of being read, first time in a mall dressed. once i get a handel on this fear, im gona have so much fun with this....what a w00t.

Sorry this was long, your post was a long one hehehe

Basicly he is saying this is what i am, and showing you differently, because he changes, and it confuses you. He wants to go out, and your afraid it will be out of the bag, and life is over as you know it. Am i right about this ???? He wants to take his femme feeling to the max, we all do, call it what i am, and yer heading for SRS!! See it for what it is.... i can feel and become anything i chose, at any moment, and its is real!!!

[Carin's Wife GG]

I've said that too. The gut-wrenching grief of the thought of loosing your life-partner is overwhelming. I would take a bullet for my SO. But in some respects, that would be the easy way out. For some - me included - to deny all expression of being transgendered would be to kill of a part of myself, and the part of me left over would be a miserable lump.

So compromise. For some it is easy, for some it is not. "You can only be yourself on Thursdays"! If that is close to meeting my needs, that works. If my core being needs more expression that that then what I hear is "I reject you on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

We can compromise on what to eat for dinner, what tv show to watch. We can compromise on buying a car or saving our money. It is not possible to compromise your core chemistry. You can surrender some of the expression. But it does feel like compromising your own self.

For the SO it feels like compromising her self to unequivocally accept and support that which she is not comfortable with some or much of the time.

That is the ultimate dilemma in a relationship. How do you compromise your sense of self, for your partner.

it breaks my heart knowing you feel you have to ever compromise who YOU are.


Louise.

[LilSissyStevie]

Sobe said: “Yes, I already know that everyone is different and that each person has a different experience.�

You answered your own questions but still had to ask them anyway. And, not surprisingly, you got different answers from each person based on their different experiences. So here's mine.

I don't appear to be a whole lot like your boyfriend in the sense that I will readily admit that I'm a fetish crossdresser. I don't want to be a real girl and I have no desire to go out in public dressed. I also love the fashions of the '40s and '50s. And yes, I dress to emulate my own idealized fantasy version of womanhood. So what? Shoot me! Perhaps it's because I got my first woody while looking through the Sears catalog when I was 3yo. Who knows? I don't care. I like those clothes so much I want to wear them myself. I also have other kinks and quirks for which I have no satisfactory explanation. I don't want to try to either. “Girls (even fake ones) just want to have fun.�

The bottom line is this: Human behavior and motivations are complex. By that I don't mean that they are merely complicated in the sense that you can figure it all out if you just put enough effort into it. No, I mean that they are complex in the same sense that stock prices and the weather are complex. No amount of information or analyzing will allow you to explain or predict them to any satisfaction. There are just too many variables in constant flux.

All you can do to make sense out of the world is draw “lines in the sand.� You set up your condition and make decisions beforehand about what to do if the condition is or is not met. You might decide to sell a stock when it falls below a certain price. When it happens, you carry out your decision—no regrets, no compromise, no looking back. Then you move on. You may decide that if your crossdresser decides to get breast implants then he has crossed your line in the sand and you're leaving. If that's the case, then do it. But please don't try to understand, predict or change their behavior or motivations. It's pointless and hopeless. In other words, “if you don't like it, leave.� Believe me I know how much that can hurt, but that's it in a nutshell.

[Satrana]

I'm in a weird place right now. It seems that we are most likely breaking up. Mostly because he is not willing to compromise at all. Not even a little. So... I think that's disrespectful. It's like me expecting him to give up CDing altogether. It's not nice on either side.

Maybe because there are some things which cannot be compromised. Would you ask a black person to be less black? Would you ask a Jew to behave like a Jew only part time etc......Your partner is TG, this is who he is, he cannot compromise. It is not a hobby nor is it a preference.

Maybe the issue would be clearer if CDs in general did not compromise. Many do, sometimes because they are not really transgendered, perhaps more a sexual fetish, so compromising is OK with them. Others compromise because they are desperate for acceptance so agree to conditions which they can't stick to and will break later.

Maybe if the CD community did not bend over so much and routinely compromise on crossdressing that causes them so much grief, guilt and shame then there would not be an expectation on your side that he should compromise on who he is. This indicates to me that you are dealing with crossdressing as a problem issue and not dealing with your SO as a person. What other group of people are expected to compromise on who they are?