Hello Sobe...
Now first off, I really wanted to answer your questions because IMHO they touch the core of the crossdressing issue and a bit of soul searching never hurts. But the opinions I will express hereunder are my opinions only and although coming straight from my heart, I do not pretend to represent the opinions of the cross dress community at large. Many cross dressers may have opinions that differ from mine and may even be appalled by them…
You are absolutely right about this. It is unfair in my opinion to say this and in the process belittle or even bagatalize the impact the dressing has on the SO… Because it just isn’t only the clothes and every CD knows that. The underlying reason for the dressing is the desire to express as a woman. If it were the clothes only that desire would not be present. For instance when one wishes to dress like a witch at Halloween, does that mean that one wishes to express oneself as a witch or is it just a harmless disguise taken on only for the one time occasion?- Some people say that they don't get where an SO is coming from when they are upset since it's just clothes? Then these same people turn around and say how much they need these clothes in order to express who they are inside. If the clothes weren't a big deal, like you'd like to tell an SO, then you, in theory, wouldn't need them in order to express yourself. Just be a guy then. So I think that theory is wrong and that people believe certain things only when it is convenient for them. Don't say it's only clothes when you feel you need those clothes in order to express who you are on the inside. If they were just clothes, you wouldn't need them.
So it sits deeper than the clothing alone. I remember the first time I donned woman’s clothing and it brought such intense feelings to the surface that I was overwhelmed and hooked for the rest of my life. I still don’t know where those feelings came from and I can’t answer that question, but I can assure you that they are there ever since and they have only intensified over the years…So I cannot agree with you more on this…
Yes I understand this one, because I feel the same thing and do the same thing… Going out in the world as a man dressed as a woman is the ultimate challenge for every cross dresser… Read the forums about the subject… Passing as a woman in public means the ultimate confirmation for the successful expression as a woman for every crossdresser and is therefore (almost) every crossdresser's goal. You, as the SO, who loves him, and knows him are biased because of your relationship with him and are therefore disqualified as to judge his success in passing. The outside world however, who doesn’t know him/her from a hole in the wall and knows absolutely no scruples, will cruelly humiliate him in case they read him and they chose to do so. Groups of young teenage kids of both sexes are notorious for that. So the conditioning, stigma and stereotyping that goes with a male expressing as a female comes with a tremendous risk for the crossdresser who ventures out in public. It is therefore the ultimate crossdresser ‘s frontier and a challenge once over won that brings with it a feeling of euphoria, or even ecstasy, if you will. It comes straight from the soul and it is tremendously addicting, almost like if coming from using a drug…- My boyfriend said that he needs to go out as a woman because he needs to be treated as a woman. He needs to be treated this way, and then he will feel complete. Now, I don't understand this at all. How does what strangers think have anything to do with who you are inside? You are still TG or CD, whether or not people see you. If you see you, then that's what you are. I also feel saddened that what strangers think is more important than what I, his girlfriend, thinks on the matter. Curious.
So if you feel neglected in that respect please consider the circumstances around it. You are not neglected but your opinion as a biased person, is not the ultimate challenge and as such not the end of the line, but just a step on the way towards it…
Now this reaches to the core of the crossdressing issue. IMHO there is NO COMPROMISE in the cross dressing issue. The crossdressing is not going away, no matter what the consequences. Most crossdressers, me included, have done the dressing for most of their lives, regardless of circumstances or danger of discovery… And we all keep doing it despite what consequences are at stake. It is an evolution process as well because we live and learn. We get better at all aspect of it including better covering our tracks and improving our female appearance… Finally there comes a time when we all conquer our guilt and wish to claim our unalienated right to express ourselves for what we really are. This is a life time process and it is not reversible nor negotiable. Any OTHER issue may be negotiable EXCEPT cross dressing. I am sorry to say this, but in my world this is the way I am and how it stands. I risk a 38 year marriage with my cross dressing and when I recently introduced Dita to my unaccepting SO, she had huge issues with it. She asked me to compare the impact seeing me dressed as Dita with her introducing herself in army fatigues, well knowing that I like to see her dressed as feminine as possible and as often as possible and also that I hate everything army with a passion… (No offense meant to those who wear the uniform out of free choice).- What is up with the whole 'if you don't like it, leave' attitude when it comes to MTF and their girlfriends/wives? If this was any other issue, we would certainly be able to voice our opinions and have compromises. But, since it is about your inner turmoil over who you are 'on the inside', we GGs sometimes lose our rights as people and partners. You even see it on the boards.
"Oh, well, this is who we are, so deal with it."
Let's say my boyfriend wanted to make a huge change that would affect our relationship in a large way forever. And let's say that it had nothing to do with his gender identity. I suppose only THEN would I, and other GGs have a say. I don't understand how that can be okay. Don't forget that it's a partnership. And I'm not saying that you should have to give up CDing. I will never say that is a good thing. Just COMPROMISE.
Well, I gave her some sheepish answer, because I couldn’t answer properly… Here it is where we are at loggerheads and I am not going to budge, because budging would mean lying and the lying and deceiving is over and behind me, I had it with lying. So the crossdressing is not going away and the lying is not an option… Not a good start for a negotiation, isn’t it? So I sincerely hope that she can find it in her love for me to accept the crossdresser in me and I in turn will try not to rub her face into it. Every time when Dita now returns from one of her outings, I consider myself in army fatigues in her eyes and although I am ecstatic to see myself in the mirror dressed as Dita and despite I hate it with a passion to take Dita off, I’ll do it for her in an effort to minimize the impact… I noticed for instance that she doesn’t look at Dita when she enters the house. She purposely avoids the sight of her…
You are right again…I have noticed this as well and if you read the posts you will observe that most crossdressers have a tendency sooner or later to express themselves as a ****. I have analyzed this for myself as an attempt to express as the woman we never had and wanted so badly, whether in our fantasies or (temporarily) in reality. Now when a crossdresser has found a way to look like a real woman in the mirror it is a logical next step to express and dress in the way his “good girl” wife never wanted to express. We all seek a woman that will be the mother of our children, but somewhere we are excited about the bad girl… So when the bad girl doesn’t manifest whether in role playing or in reality, it finds a way to enter through the door of crossdressing. I have bought some ****ty outfits and I treasure them. I am not planning to go to the Mall in them, but I must admit that once when my SO was away from home for the night , that I dressed like a hooker and went down to the part of the City where they do their business and walked among them. It was a tremendous exciting experience and I tell you I could have made some serious money that night, but I felt no urge. What I got out of it though was an ultimate confirmation of my female expression… I was able to generate interest, how questionable it may be, from those John’s who were out there looking for a “date”…- Sometimes it seems like CDers aren't emulating real women, but their idealized and generalized view of a woman. It's very 1950's. They wear panty hose, which most women don't wear unless they absolutely have to. They wear clothes that are too young for them and skirts that are too short. When I first heard from my guy about what crossdressers were like, I assumed they were trying to be real women. Boy was I wrong! I don't mean to offend anyone with this one, so I'm sorry if I did.
Now, the idea of having sex with a male appalls me. So I am still sure to be 100% heterosexual… If a female I would be lesbian I guess, because I am still interested in females only from my sexual perspective…
So to summarize, it is only logic that every crossdresser will go through all facets of female expression that has ever generated his (sexual) interest. But only those expressions that resonate with him will remain. And that is different for each one of us…
From my point of view, you are absolutely right. Expressing androgynous as a male to female expression and having to be much more “girly” at it, is to my taste a contradiction. Or, as you say it… changing one mask to the other, it doesn’t make sense to me, but hey it may make sense to him…- Speaking of what some CDers wear, I was talking with my guy and he said that he would, in reality, prefer to be on the androgynous side of the female identity. I said, "well, why now" and he said that since it was harder to pull off, he needs to be a whole lot more girly in his appearance. Umm, what? I thought this was about expressing who you truly are! This instead sounds like you are substituting one mask for another and still hiding from yourself. Do other people have this problem?
And again, I have to agree with you. Having a preference for the things girls do and play with is for me not a sign of being a girl inside….but at most a support for the man who wants to express himself as a woman. IMHO on its own it means nothing. For instance, would it make me a woman when I pick up a woman’s fashion magazine while waiting at the doctor’s office? Or going through the racks with women’s fashion when I accompany my wife shopping for a new outfit? I don’t think so. This example may not touch the heart of the matter, but you get the point….Man can do many things that are typically seen as women’s jobs and women can do many things that are typically seen as reserved for men, like building a house, or as was said, driving a Harley Davidson bike. Does that make them wanting to express in the opposite sex? I don’t think so.I've read people posting about how they knew they had gender issues when they: liked pink, preferred to avoid sports, liked cooking instead of sports cars, and etcetera. Umm... what decade are you living in? And honestly, so you liking things that go a bit against the norm all of a sudden makes you a girl on the inside? What message is that for young men? So if you see that your son would rather play with a Barbie, are you going to sit him down and tell him he's transgendered? He, and you, can like that stuff while still being a man. I think that hinders the progress of men everywhere to think that they can't like those things and still be manly. Preferring cooking over sports is NO indication of gender identity issues in my humble opinion.
In resume it is a complicated issue and I have limited myself to answering your questions only and I tried to stay away from going on a tangent. However, I would want to stress to you that your relationship is at stake…in your position in regards to your boyfriend’s cross dressing. If he is anything like me, he will not abandon his cross dressing urge, no matter what. He may promise, but in the end the urge will show being stronger than himself. And if you are unaccepting the crossdressing will move back into the closet and/or the lying and secret phase will start all over again. It is up to you what you chose. I wouldn’t be able to live with a partner that dresses in army fatigues out of passion, much less making love to her, so I can understand that a compromise for his crossdressing may not be in your dictionary. However, if you would compromise, he would still be the guy you fell in love with and perhaps you may realize that one of the reasons you fell in love with him may well have been the fact that he acted towards you more from the female side of things…
I am sorry it has become such a long post, and I have written it 3 times now. But I just HAD to do it, because it is an issue many female partners have to deal with. If it has helped you, of anyone else in this forum, my time spent on it was well worth it…
I wish you all the best and I wish you wisdom in the choices you are going to make…
With lots of LOVE and COMPASSION, from Dita.
