Sexual Perception

[Katrina]

...Could a GG really think that a CD was a threat to her femininity and if she does what are her fears. Can any one shed any light on this because I have heard some of you say this quite a few times and I really am at a loss as to How a CD can threaten a GGs femininity...

On the same token, one of the things I've heard about guys' reactions to CDers is that it threatens their masculinity somehow. I don't get that either! Somehow, the way I present myself to the world affects how someone else views themselves??? I don't get it.

[karezza]

This is a very interesting thread. One thing that hasn't been discussed is a GG's perception of masculinity in her male partner and how his CDing might threaten her perception of him as a man.

In my case, when I met my wife she was actively bisexual. She was attracted to women and enjoyed the special sexual experience she could only have with a woman. She was also attracted to the masculinity of men. She wanted her girls to be girls and her men to be men. In fact, gender-bending had been a factor in the breaking up with her former lover. His CDing turned her off. Guys in drag just looked stupid and did nothing for her sexually.

Fast forward six years. We are now married and deeply bonded. She is now actively lesbian. I am now an active CD. She still thinks guys in drag look stupid. After all, she knows how wonderful a real woman is, and it is clear I am a poor imitation. She accepts my CDing and has grown to understand what it means to me. She has even been actively helping me transition my sexuality to be more female.

But I think she harbors a subtle fear of losing her connection to my masculinity; that part of me that makes her feel safe and protected; the competent guy who can fix anything and handle stress with nerves of steel; the counterbalance to her femininity.

When I am dressed she is usually very playful and accepting. I can even be her make-believe girlfriend. But at times there is a subtle disappointment, as if she were thinking, "I don't need you to be my girlfriend. I already have one of those. I need you to be my man."

Karezza

[trax1225]

I think I might know why a GG may feel less feminine when with a CD. In my case (and, I know, not all Cders do this) my husband eventually told me that he switched bodies during sex with me – you know – him as a woman and me as a man. He kept trying to get me to masculinize my body (grow hair and wear his briefs, etc). Where, exactly did that leave me? As a woman who wanted to be desired for herself? He could not get turned on without these fantasies. Eventually, I felt so – I don’t know – not there, that I didn’t want anything to do with sex. I didn’t feel feminine anymore. I felt used.

Trace

[Sandra Dunn]

The question of Are you gay? Is one of the top questions asked by wives. According to the surveys 80% of us are not gay. In fact we have tried in many different ways to prove to ourselves and others that we are "Macho Men", phooey. All this does is make the situation worse for us and everyone around us because we are lying to them and ourselves.
The next and for some wives it is a trust issue that has been broken. The questions of What else are you keeping from ME? Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me sooner or before we got married? These are issue which need to be delt with with very seriously and for some with counseling.
Most of the women in the surveys and those I have visited with know that they are not into other women. The thought that their husbands might someday express a desire to have SRS realy scares them. This issue is one that could end a marriage, and I know of some that it did. For the GGs involved or might find themselves involved with a TG person need to be very aware that, at least part of the time, they will be sharing their life with another girl.

[curse within]

If Married I would hope that any other attractions are just purely innocent and never acted upon. If I saw an attractive lady I would just admire from a far if I was to have found out later she was a TG then I would have still just admired from a far and never admit there was an attraction (not nor will ever be gay). Some ladies do a great job looking fem and if you without you knowing the true gender find that attractive you would have to ask yourself why and what made it attractive to you a straight male? The answer would be all the Fem features ,that is the attraction so does that make someone gay to be attracted to fem features not knowing the true gender? Depends on how far you take it.
I understand the wifes point of view I would not like to be engaged in a heated sexual act with my wife wearing a full beard glued to her face and an oversize pair of boxers add a stained wife beater and leggs all hairy don't forget the beer breath. Just as I am attracted to fem features she is attracted to male features . To go for a walk on the wild side isn't never good for a marriage when the partner has negitive feelings for how it might make he or she feel .

[vivianann]

I think I might know why a GG may feel less feminine when with a CD. In my case (and, I know, not all Cders do this) my husband eventually told me that he switched bodies during sex with me – you know – him as a woman and me as a man. He kept trying to get me to masculinize my body (grow hair and wear his briefs, etc). Where, exactly did that leave me? As a woman who wanted to be desired for herself? He could not get turned on without these fantasies. Eventually, I felt so – I don’t know – not there, that I didn’t want anything to do with sex. I didn’t feel feminine anymore. I felt used.

Trace

Trace, sorry you had to experience that weirdo behavior. I would never ask a woman to act masculine, I liked my wife (when I was married) to act very feminine, that is what I am attracted to. My ex was very feminine and I loved it, and I was masculine in bed. my crossdressing had nothing to do with sex for me. I can now understand why you did not feel feminine anymore after your experiences with your husband. again sorry you had to experience that. Viv.
I

[onowic]

I understand the wifes point of view I would not like to be engaged in a heated sexual act with my wife wearing a full beard glued to her face and an oversize pair of boxers add a stained wife beater and leggs all hairy don't forget the beer breath. Just as I am attracted to fem features she is attracted to male features . To go for a walk on the wild side isn't never good for a marriage when the partner has negitive feelings for how it might make he or she feel .

I whole heartedly agree. My SO has brought up the subject that she's worried I might want her to have sex with me as a woman. While I do like a little "for him" play in our fore play and for her to take the initiative now and then it has more to do with her not just laying there and me doing all the work then me wanting to feel like a woman. And if she came to bed with hairy legs and a beard... well now I guess I'd tolerate it since we have two little ones and I take it when I can get it! But I certainlly wouldn't be thrilled about it.

Now, having said that, there have been plenty of times I've pulled her out of jeans or overalls and sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt, her being far from girly in appearance, and it hasn't phased me a bit or slowed me down in the least. But I understand that men in general are not as sensitive to certain visual/mental images or moods as women are and totally respect the "no sex while dressed" rule, it's her romp in the hay too afterall.

Before I read this thread, I really had no interest in sex while dressed, but then the word "lesbian" entered the conversation and, well, that word gets any guys attention! I can not explain why the thought of two women making out is a turn on for some (ok most) guys, but I can attest to it's veracity. Before my thought process was "ok my wife is having sex with me in a dress, big whoop", now that it's turned to "it's a lesbian make-out session, and OMG I'm one of the lesbians!" it sits a little differently in my mind!

And that may be the difference! Straight women do not like to think about gay sex, it's a major turn off for them. Straight men do not like to think about MALE gay sex, but feel the exact opposite about two women getting it on.

[CaptLex]

Trace, sorry you had to experience that weirdo behavior. I would never ask a woman to act masculine

I agree that no one should be used that way, but just because that scenario doesn't do it for you, doesn't make that attraction "weirdo behavior". To each his/her own.

but then the word "lesbian" entered the conversation and, well, that word gets any guys attention!

Nope . . . not any guy.

Straight women do not like to think about gay sex, it's a major turn off for them. Straight men do not like to think about MALE gay sex, but feel the exact opposite about two women getting it on.

And some straight women are turned on by gay male sex . . . again I say, to each his/her own.

[PaulaMea]

My wife was in a relationship with a woman before we met and married. She identifies as bisexual but as others have already posted, straight / gay is not a black / white thing. It's a continuum with a lot more grey than black or white. That said, it still was after many years of marriage when I finally confessed to my wife my desire to dress and transform. I'm not sure why it took so long for me to do so, that's another posting altogether.

My wife finds that being sexual with me transformed into Paula satisfies much of her desires to be with women. She often calls Paula her lesbian girlfriend. Sometimes she modifies that with the word "sl*t" between lesbian and girlfriend. We have both talked about how different our sex / lovemaking is when I am dressed. I know I am more attentive. Also, I want it to last longer. She tends to be the aggressor which is wonderful for me adding to the fantasy of it all.

So, question is does a GG need to have a shade of bisexual grey in her in order to full appreciate her crossdressing husband / SO ?

[karezza]

So, question is does a GG need to have a shade of bisexual grey in her in order to full appreciate her crossdressing husband / SO ?

Paula, I think this may be true. It certainly has been a fctor in my wife's understanding of my CDing. The more she has been drawn to women, the more she accepts me as her surrogate girlfriend. Now that she is actively lesbian, she is totally supportive and even encouraging. Last night I went out dressed wearing leggings she had loaned me for the occasion

[Amy Hepker]

My SO says she feels Gay when I dress around her.

[Paige.]

My wife finds that being sexual with me transformed into Paula satisfies much of her desires to be with women.
So, question is does a GG need to have a shade of bisexual grey in her in order to full appreciate her crossdressing husband / SO ?

Paula, I think this may be true. It certainly has been a fctor in my wife's understanding of my CDing. The more she has been drawn to women, the more she accepts me as her surrogate girlfriend.

Paula and Karezza,
I have wondered the same thing about myself and you have touched on part of the reason I originally posted the question.

I have had same-sex sex and I identify as bisexual but I am not a lesbian. A CD friend once told me that she thought I was using CD's just a stepping stone on my way to being lesbian. I disagreed but it made me think about how SO's might feel about their sexual orientation or perception of themselves. You seem to think it is really there in us, the bisexual thing, and that we deny it's existence.

I don't believe that GG's need to have a "shade of bisexual grey in her in order to full appreciate her crossdressing husband." She needs many things to apprecaite and accept her husbands crossdressing, but bisexual activity doesn't necessarily have to be one of them.

In the same way I don't believe a man (or husband), needs to have a shade of "gay-ness" to appreciate the pleasures of dressing as a woman.

But I also understand how an underlying attraction to women can go a long way in helping a wife understand and accept a man in a dress.

[kym]

ok, here it is a few months later for me and i now have yet another perspective on this issue. I ended up breaking up with my SO i mentioned in my earlier posts due to the fact that she wasn't comfortable with me being a crossdresser. She stated that it did indeed make her question her sexuality and she was not comfortable confronting that question with her self, which i found very interesting coming from a psychotherapist. I have found another that is very supportive of me and both sides of me. She has stated that she can see my feminine side at times and at other times my masculine side, and the really interesting part is she says it doesn't really seem to matter if i'm dressed or not. She also is bi and loves the fact that i can give her both worlds at the same time. I just find it interesting to look at both sides of the coin with both women and compare thoughts and actions of both.

[kathtx]

I've often thought that if my SO was turned on by being a Drag King, how would I deal with that? I know I wouldn't like the image when I was trying to get into the mood, because I'm not at all sexually attracted to men.

However, if she got wildly excited by dressing that way, I'm sure I could get into it. But -- like with so many GG SO's -- it's not what I'd want to do all the time and I would definitely have my limits.

Jenny, you hit the nail exactly on the head. We always need to think about how we'd feel were we in our partners' situation. That empathy is essential in all aspects of a relationship, not just those surrounding transgender issues.

[kathtx]

But what about her and her perception of herself? Maybe it's not about you and your crossdressing that she doesn't accept as much as it is her own fear that she might have latent same sex attraction. Women have real fears too you know just like you.

I know it sounds convoluted but maybe if she sees you dressed like a woman, she may have to confront her own sexual demons. She may have to admit she is attracted to women.

Great thread!

That was an issue for my wife and me early on in our marriage. She was open-minded and overall accepting of my trans nature, but she did occasionally feel uncomfortable. Looking back, she says the discomfort was about letting her attraction to women come to the surface. That's all years in the past now; she's now very comfortable with her lesbian identity. In turn, that let me admit to myself that I was more on the transsexual side of the TG spectrum, and that I want to transition.

(Note to self to get wife to register on this forum and post her perspective...)

Other wives may have no attraction to women; in that case, follow Jenny's advice and think how we'd feel if our wives wanted to be called "Dave" or "Steve" instead of "Debbie" or "Stephanie," wear false beards, and act macho. A few of us would be OK with that, but many of us wouldn't be. Probably most of us would work to find some compromise of acceptance within limits.

There are also plenty of other very legitimate fears unrelated to sexuality: what will the family/neighbors think, will (s)he get gay-bashed while out dressed, will (s)he be fired if found out? Will the kids get teased in school if found out?

The advice to think about how you'd feel were your partner transgendered is something we should all keep in mind, every day. Someone once said something about "do unto others..."

Even in my situation, where my wife is as enthusiastically accepting as anyone could hope for, there are decisions and compromises to make. While she'd love for me to transition to full-time, we both know there are practical issues involved, such as the financial costs of transition.

Kath

[PamelaTX]

It took me a long time to come to terms with my urge to crossdress, and one of the possibilities that I explored was that I might be gay. Not to the level of experimentation, of course. I've been married for over 30 years and I would never consider cheating on my spouse. But I explored the mental aspects of it, and even managed to convince myself, at one point, that I really was gay. But I kept coming back to the same thing "If I'm gay, why am I not sexually attracted to other men?" No matter how hard I tried to feel that attraction, it just wasn't there.

I don't find the concept of homosexuality to be disgusting, revolting, or even unattractive. If were propositioned by a gay man when in drab I would probably feel flattered, but I would almost certainly say no even if I weren't married. So when I say "I'm completely heterosexual," I'm not trying to cover anything up, I'm simply stating a fact.

[PaulaMea]

Paige,
Good point:

"I don't believe that GG's need to have a "shade of bisexual grey in her in order to full appreciate her crossdressing husband." She needs many things to apprecaite and accept her husbands crossdressing, but bisexual activity doesn't necessarily have to be one of them."

When it comes to "appreciation" of my crossdressing as opposed to "putting up with" I think at the top of the list is love followed by tolerance. I have always felt that my crossdressing is very narcissistic and self indulgent. I know saying this opens up another can of worms and I don't want to derail this thread. I am fortunate that my wife not only tolerates but seems to like it but only on occasion. She asked me how often I would like to dress and I told here every other week. She said, how about every other month. So, she gets "into" it but occasionally and I always be sure it's on her terms.

First off, IMO, as I mentioned before, it's rare for someone to be absolutely straight. That's where the gray comes into play. My wife and I are sexual when I am dressed and that sex is very different than when I am not. It's not only me who is different but she is as well. I could go into details but I think that would break a forum rule. I can say it seems like more lesbian-like. Perhaps I am just fantasizing but she really is different.

So, I think there is a big difference between a GG appreciation of their crossdressing SO and having sex with their SO while transformed. Thoughts?

I love this thread!

P

[Satrana]

While the issue of questioning your own sexuality will likely arise when the concept of crossdressing is new, after being educated on the matter this fear should disappear. If it remains I believe this is a signal that the real fear is based upon the SO's fear of judgement of others. She fears that others will think of her as a lesbian and they will wonder why she continues to be involved with a "pervert".

The taboo nature of MTF crossdressing seems to be underestimated by some here. The same fears that make CDs hide in their closets all their lives are the same fears that will make a SO reject her partner's crossdressing activities.

The feeling of "wrongness" in seeing a crossdressed male is hard to overcome since masculine males underpin the success of our society. Women are brought up to expect, demand and desire only masculine men. There is nothing in our society which promotes the virtues of feminine men so it is hardly surprising that most women are not able to appreciate the behavior and see only negatives.

Simply put, women struggle to accept men in dresses because it is condemned by society as wrong, sinful, weak etc. If society were to do a 180 degree turnaround and promoted femininity in men as a desirable trait, CDs would quickly become the most sought after type of male and women's fears would instantly dissipate.

[Melora]

Its kinda funny actually..
When my wife found out, during our first discussion, she kind of let out that she was "kind of" attracted to other girls.. And since then, she has let out SOOO many hints amd messages to me.. Its almost kinda scary!

[Paige.]

My wife and I are sexual when I am dressed and that sex is very different than when I am not. It's not only me who is different but she is as well. I could go into details but I think that would break a forum rule. I can say it seems like more lesbian-like. Perhaps I am just fantasizing but she really is different.

So, I think there is a big difference between a GG appreciation of their crossdressing SO and having sex with their SO while transformed. Thoughts?

P

I agree. I also think that sex is very different, much more intense and lasts a lot longer when my partner is dressed. Partly because the foreplay is so different and probably because of his excitement of being dressed and accepted and not feeling defensive or worried about ridicule. That in turn affects me and I can respond "differently".

You say "it seems like more lesbian-like." Is that you talking from your perspective as a male, or do you think she feels a little like a lesbian when you have sex with her while transformed?

Paige

[Desiree2bababe]

We certainly discussed it and she (unfortunately for me) has no desire to be with another woman. She pretty much nailed my desires when I dressed and that is being with a man as a woman in all ways.

[karezza]

I agree. I also think that sex is very different, much more intense and lasts a lot longer when my partner is dressed. Partly because the foreplay is so different and probably because of his excitement of being dressed and accepted and not feeling defensive or worried about ridicule. That in turn affects me and I can respond "differently".

Paige, I think you have hit on something important. I am fortunate to be married to a mostly-lesbian woman who has and active sexual relationship with a woman. Since I have been dressing she has been "training" me to make love like a woman. That involves much more foreplay, tenderness, sensitivity, caressing, kissing, and focusing on her erotic responses. All of those things turn her on much more than standard M-F sex. That being said, she does still enjoy my masculine side and she occasionally wants P-V sex. But, for my wife at least, she has discovered that the sexual style of a woman is more satisying.

Part of my "training" has been learning to orgasm like a girl. For me, a big part of CDing is glimpsing the sexual energy of being a woman, riding the multiple orgasmic waves and prolonged arousal that women are capable of naturally. When a person can synch with a woman's sexual energy, it can be magnified. In my wife's experience, it is easiest to do that with another woman, but it can also be done with a man or a CD. In our relationship, her real girlfriend is best. Me as a girl is nest best.

Karezza

[Jacqui]

[QUOTE=Paige.;1313074]

But what about her and her perception of herself? Maybe it's not about you and your crossdressing that she doesn't accept as much as it is her own fear that she might have latent same sex attraction. Women have real fears too you know just like you. /QUOTE]

Paige, when I read your initial post, I put myself in the mind of a GG, which is where I'd like to be all the time anyway:

[I'm assuming that I didn't know before I married him that all he ever wanted to do was dress and act like a woman.

So I marry this guy because I am attracted to him physically, I love his personality, his masculinity, we play off each other's emotions, I want to be with him for the rest of my life, raise a family and live happily ever after.

But then I find out his little secret, I'm slightly totally devastated, I communicate with him, I do some research, I go to counseling, I come to this forum, I try to accept, but I reach a conclusion:

This was not part of the deal that affects my life.

Why should lesbianism, bisexuality, homophobia, arachnophobia, or anything else be a reason other than that I entered a fraudulent relationship?

And as much as I try to understand but don't, I should be entitled to my own beliefs, my own feelings, and my own needs and not be pressured by others under the weight of bigotry, bias, or homophobia.]

Is there any GG out there who feels the same way?

Or am I just thinking like a guy thinking like a woman?

[jenni_xx]

Have you and your SO ever discussed latent bi-sexual feelings (hers) after you told her you CD?

I am not married so I have never had to come home and be shocked and outraged to discover, or be told by my husband that he has a hobby I didn't know about. My introduction to, and interest in CD's started by accident in college with my then b/f. He had never done it before either and for me at that time it was all about sex. I don't have the experience of a long term marriage so my perspective is different and I may not know what I am talking about.

So many have said, "my wife doesn't accept my crossdressing," "She tolerates my dressing but she doesn't participate or support me." Put yourself in her shoes, (I know, some of you do already) and try to see yourself through her eyes.

I hope I can say this clearly. I've heard many of you say you are worried you are gay because you dress. Many of you are disappointed at how you are received by your SO when you tell her, and worry that she might think you are gay. But what about her and her perception of herself? Maybe it's not about you and your crossdressing that she doesn't accept as much as it is her own fear that she might have latent same sex attraction. Women have real fears too you know just like you.

I know it sounds convoluted but maybe if she sees you dressed like a woman, she may have to confront her own sexual demons. She may have to admit she is attracted to women. It doesn't mean she is gay any more than the idea that you are gay just because you dress. You can be straight as an arrow and still be a CD. She can be completely heterosexual and still be attracted to a man wearing a dress, but it raises questions. But maybe she is homophobic and will never be able to accept your dressing.

Hey Paige

A great thread, and you ask some fantastic questions. The kind of questions which I feel are very important in addressing some of the preconceptions that many people have about cross-dressers.

Myself, I have opened myself up to 3 previous girlfriends, and each one responded by asking the question "are you gay" or "do you have any gay tendancies". The first girl I told was (surprisingly in my eyes) very supportive in that she wouldn't discourage my desires to dress, but then wouldn't take the leading hand in encourage me to dress either. She worried that I might be gay, and asked me outright on more than one occassion if I was, and I felt her reason for doing this wasn't so much to question my sexuality, but to re-assure herself in the sense that irrespective of my dressing, I was still sexually attractive to her. If what I have just written sounds somewhat muddled, then that is probably apt, considering how "muddled" she must have felt having a man who she loved so dearly, yet who himself loved so dearly to be feminine.

The second girlfriend I had positivetly encouraged my dressing, and also encouraged me to explore my sexuality in terms of really getting to the bottom of what I was about. She would ask me questions about how would I feel being with a man, about how a man would truly be able to make me feel like the woman I wanted to be. And this, I believe, became the catalyst for the person who I am today. I had my first sexual experience with another guy while I was with her (she knew all about this), and it was only after this experience that I really began to question my own sexual identity. However, I suppressed these feelings and desires for quite some time, and honestly felt that my "one-off" experience with another man would be just that - a one-off.

I split from this girl about 8 years ago now (circumstance was the reason i.e. living away from eachother (we both went to different universities)). I had a number of relationships with women after her, all of whom I never told about my crossdressing. Then, around 4 years ago, I met a girl and entered into a relationship that at first was absolutely wonderful. She herself was bisexual, and it wasn't long into the relationship with her that I found the strength to open up to her. And her first question was: "Are you gay". My response was to say that "no, I wasn't, but I had "experimented" sexually with other men and ultimately decided that "that" wasn't for me". This relationship eventually turned into a, to put it blunty, a joke - one in which she would try to accept my dressing, and one in which I would (selfishly) push it to the hilt. I wanted to push my dressing further and further, without actually realising (and having the consideration) that that was not what she really wanted out of our relationship. It drove a huge wedge between us, and we ended up splitting up. Her final words in anger towards me were words that resonated so strongly with me - she told me that I should seek counselling for my dressing, and that it was a much bigger part of me than even I realised - or in other words, that I should consider becoming a woman full time.

With her words resonating in my ears, the next few weeks were a real eye-opener for me. I didn't seek councilling, but I did spend a lot of time researching gender-realignment, and that maybe she was right - I really should consider taking the next step to becoming a woman. I felt alone. I felt confused. I felt abnormal. But I also felt alive. Liberated. Excited. And I began to expand on my feminine thoughts once more - i.e., I began to fantasise about exploring my sexuality. And then I started to accept myself for who I truly was. It wasn't long after this that I entered into my first gay relationship. Not a one-night stand, but a full relationship. And I had never been happier.

That relationship lasted for about 8 months, although I have never looked back since. Accepting myself as being gay as opened up a whole world of acceptance about myself. I don't live as a woman, but do live with permanent expressions of my femininity towards the outside world. I have my ears pierced, I wear lots of jewelry, always have nail extensions, and have surrounded myself with a group of friends who I am totally open with and who accept me for who I am. I no longer deceive myself in terms of my attraction to women - at first, I thought it was sexual, but now realise that it is more envious in nature - or in other words, I drew a distinction - I looked at girls in the sense of not wanting to be with them, but in wanting to be like them. I have had 2 boyfriends since, and now only want to be with a man. At the same time, want to friends with women. To share the things that only girls really can. And I have never felt so happy because of my ability to finally accept who I really am.

[Paige.]

Paige, when I read your initial post, I put myself in the mind of a GG, which is where I'd like to be all the time anyway:

[I'm assuming that I didn't know before I married him that all he ever wanted to do was dress and act like a woman.

So I marry this guy because I am attracted to him physically, I love his personality, his masculinity, we play off each other's emotions, I want to be with him for the rest of my life, raise a family and live happily ever after.

But then I find out his little secret, I'm slightly totally devastated, I communicate with him, I do some research, I go to counseling, I come to this forum, I try to accept, but I reach a conclusion:

This was not part of the deal that affects my life.

Why should lesbianism, bisexuality, homophobia, arachnophobia, or anything else be a reason other than that I entered a fraudulent relationship?

And as much as I try to understand but don't, I should be entitled to my own beliefs, my own feelings, and my own needs and not be pressured by others under the weight of bigotry, bias, or homophobia.]

Is there any GG out there who feels the same way?

Or am I just thinking like a guy thinking like a woman?

Hi Jacqui,

Given the set-up you described, you are thinking like a woman and I believe this is the mantra we hear from most wives that find out their husband's little secret. I think the attitude is to be expected for all the reasons you list. It is a devastating and crushing blow.

But not all GG's are married and not all of us fall under the same set of conditions you described. However there are women that love their husbands very much and still love them even after learning their little secret. To some, what a man does as a hobby does not change the way they feel about him.

In some ways I can say the same for me. My first CD experience was wonderful and sexually charged. It was a good experience and as a result I don't think a man in a dress is a boogyman. But as you say, that was part of the deal and I understood so it wasn't an upsetting surprise. Generalizations can be hazzards.

I would agree that anyone's belief should be repected, you the woman that has been wronged by finding out more than you knew in the beginning, as well as the husband. He is also entitled to his beliefs and feelings and needs.

I don't know if I made much sense in answering your question.