It is over for now

[markie v]

Thanks everone for the support.

[Kimberley]

I would only like to say that you should think about all of this carefully. I thought the same as you are now and did so for decades. Now I look back at a life wasted or perhaps lost because of those decisions.

I cant say that it was unhappy but neither was it joyful. My gender dysphoria was always there in the background and several times came to the fore which nearly killed me (literally). Knowing today what I do, if I had to do it all over again, I would have followed my heart and transitioned. Life would not have been easy; it never is, but I would have been comfortable in my own skin.

Today, I am without means and mostly dependent upon my spouse for support. To follow my heart today is not possible (although there is always hope).

I guess I just dont want to see anyone follow in my footsteps making the same choices. Mine were bad ones because I denied myself of my true self and needs. Please think carefully and continue to see the therapist to help you sort this out. (Too many people believe therapists make the choices for you; they are the ones who are most resistant to change that you make.)


Kimmie

[melissaK]

No easy answers. Be mindful that suppression of TG feelings can cause other mental health issues - depression, substance abuse, anger issues, dissociative behavior. I dare say nearly every one of us has tried some version of purging, sucking it up and toughing it out. I go it a day at a time - some days are a breeze - most others are not. There can come a tipping point where a life led in suppression and denial can become tragic, worse than following through. The tipping point varies for each of us. So, hence the idea that you keep your counsellors number so if you start to crumble emotionally, you have help available.

hugs,
'lissa

[markie v]

I have thought it out, this was not an easy decision for me to do.

There will be a day and time when I will be more "situated" to begin what I tried to start.

I dont concider myself wasting any years as long as I am with my Children every possible day I can be with them.

[Joann Smith]

The Wife hit me with that same line when my transistion became evident.. She said .."You rotten ******* ...I am not a Lesiban... " ...I had to laugh at her ....I told her that you really could not be considered a Lesiban if your Girl friend has knocked you up 3 times...

[carolinoakland]

I came to my crossroads after jumping through every hoop, distraction and rationalization to prove I wasn't what I kept running away from. And since I didn't know what I was running from; was I CD? TG? TS? I needed answear that first, every anwear will lead you to a new questions. A therapist is a good place to start to asking questions. Remembe no therapis worth their salt is going to GIVE you answears. They are inside you, and you know it. All the therapist is going to do is give you the tools to answear your questions, and not let your fear of your own happiness make you run away from it. Carol

[markie v]

Not hiding right now, just dormant.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Markie,

Everyone wants whats best for you and have shared their experiences. There are never two situations that are the same. We all are individuals and deal with similar circumstances differently. You are in a tough spot. You are just like all of us that wants to do whats right for all involved. In the end whatever you do is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and family.

I don't want to transition, but like to crossdress. Wife knows kids don't. Would like to be more open and go out but can't. It is tough because it is hard to hold in my feelings and it weighs on me. I just hope you can find a good place for yourself so you can be happy and not effect your kids with the frustration and resentment ( that I sometimes do) that you can not be who you really want to be. Please stay with the therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Good luck and as everyone else has said if you need to talk there are alot of people ready to listen.

Stephanie Michelle

[Kelli Michelle]

I have struggled with the "family or me' issue for a few months. Each person's situation is a little different. For me, divorce or seperation doesn't mean being without the children at all, it's not that black or white. It means just not around them all the time. I would plan on living in the same town and being with them as much as possible. The main difference would be a home life without mom and dad arguing and being stressed all the time. In some ways the family would be better off. But you know your situation best (age of kids, own sense of committment to marriage, relationship with wife, atmosphere within family, etc). So do what you feel you need to...be true to yourself. You know what though? You can change your mind later if you deem it necessary. I would definitely re-evaluate occasionally. The best of luck to you. Take car.

[Jonelle]

Markie,
i would like to extend my deepest of sympathies for you.. and also let you know that we will all be here for you anytime you like..

[Kelly DeWinter]

Markie;

I join the others here in wishing you AND you family the best, you all are in my prayers.

I think you and your spouse should try counseling, if you are both willing.

I hope you are not liquidating anything that is legaly and ethicly owned by your family as well (spouse, and kids)

If you are preparing for a seperation/divorce, then you need to work it out with your spouse NOW before lawyers are called for. (remember 1/2 plus child support and alomony is better then 1/4 and whatever else the judge decides)

I would also talk to other forum members who have worked things out with their spouse.

It sounds like you are are putting a plug in a volcano, it will eventually explode.

Best wishes

Kelly

Well the Wife figured out what I was going to Therapy for, well she asked and I told her.

Well to make a long story short..... I canceled all my Therapy.

I decided for the time being I rather live with my Children and Wife cause I can not afford to be on the street and loose everything I own at this time. I will slowly start to liquidate my belongings so when the time comes I will be prepared.

I told her I would not persue changing my Gender. However there will be a time when either the kids are old enough or something else happens where I can persue who I really am.

Anyway I am sticking around cause this is a very helpful forum.

I have made some friends here and I want to meet some of you someday.

You cant get rid of the feelings for who you really are, however you can choose to not show them and keep them to yourself and enjoy them when you are alone.

[markie v]

I would only liquidate my personal belongings, nothing that is belonged to the family.

Counciling wont work for a Wife that will not become a Lesbian, you can not force somebody to become Gay. It is like being a straight man and having your Wife come home and say she wants to become a man and you will have to enjoy her new Penis and much as she enjoyed yours!

Markie;

I join the others here in wishing you AND you family the best, you all are in my prayers.

I think you and your spouse should try counseling, if you are both willing.

I hope you are not liquidating anything that is legaly and ethicly owned by your family as well (spouse, and kids)

If you are preparing for a seperation/divorce, then you need to work it out with your spouse NOW before lawyers are called for. (remember 1/2 plus child support and alomony is better then 1/4 and whatever else the judge decides)

I would also talk to other forum members who have worked things out with their spouse.

It sounds like you are are putting a plug in a volcano, it will eventually explode.

Best wishes

Kelly

[markie v]

This is a hard battle for me mentally. I have still been thinking daily now about finishing what I started, MTF.

Every day is a new battle for me and I wonder how long I will last before I explode.

Everyday I keep thinking about going to therapy and completeing transition and ending with SRS.

It is really hard to keep myself sane as I am going through this.

The funniest thing about this whole ordeal I have been going through is that it was manageable for me my whole life but became less managleable and the feelings got stronger and stronger everyday since I had my Vasectomy, does this make sence? It has been 19 months since my Vasectomy.

[Kimberley]

I dont think the V had anything to do with it. This is about you and your feelings and nothing else.

As I said before, I fought it and fought it and fought it through 3 major rounds of hitting the wall. Each time was worse than the previous. The last time I attempted suicide. Luckily I got the help I needed in the psychiatric community.

Today I live with it. Somedays like today are really rough and I am pretty much a basket case but I am living. I just wish the medical interventions were available 40 years ago that exist today. I would have transitioned in my late teens for sure.

Even into my early to mid thirties I didnt have the information. I would have done so then too; family or no family.

I guess I have come to a place where I still need that transition but cant afford it since I am wholly dependent financially on my spouse who is totally opposed to anything to do with this. Just try and get a job in your late 50's.

So I cry, and I cry and I cry over it. I also try to share my experiences so others dont have to go through this.

Hon, I hope you can sort this out but you really need to stick with the therapy. I cant stress that enough no matter what direction you take, it will help you find your way through it.

Sorry you are having such a rough go.


Kimmie