terribly interesting thread.
on the one hand i relate quite a bit while on the other not one whit.
where i relate is this: the idea of shame and guilt. had that for many years and to some extent still do (say for example the idea of being outed publicly and bringing embarrassment to my wife and kids). i also relate to the relentlessness of the desire to dress and the wishing it just wasn't there to complicate my life and steal time from other pursuits.
where i don't relate is not working through those issues to find some modicum of peace and serenity. at the end of the day - and i REALLY mean the END of YOUR LAST DAY - what darn difference will all of this angst, frustration, and self-flagellation make? will your headstone say "He Beat Himself About the Head Over What He Saw as His Shortcomings"?
acceptance doesn't mean approval. you and i can accept what and who we are without saying "and hey, isn't that a great thing!" (though today i oftentimes feel blessed by it)
the themes that seem to resonate in your words - shame, self-loathing, and disgust - these i am familiar with (things were a whole lot different when i wore my mother's panties for the first time at age 7 in 1958) - but what of the idea that to your own self be true? what of being genuine and authentic people rather than a poor reflection of what we think the larger world wants from us?
frankly, and i say this with affection, i think most of your issues are the result of an overactive mind operating on too little information using a yardstick made of some tyrants idea of morality.
Pogo might have got it right; I have met the enemy and he is us.
warmest regards and best wishes.
