I'm positive. I think there are very few who get what this thread is about.Originally Posted by Nicki B
It's not just about purging. It's about having the desire to CD hard-wired in one's brain. There are those of us who are incapable of accepting it and find it revolting. You don't get that, do you?
Stay true to your sex? Therein lies your problem, you believe in a false idea, an artificial man-made concept that being male equates to masculinity. The truth is everyone is born with both masculine and feminine qualities. Are you willing to accept the truth or continue believing in a lie?
I think your feelings come from the fact that you are not prepared to fight for your rights. You want to blend into the perceived normalcy of others and so reject the notion of accepting yourself because that would mean admitting your difference. You are caught in a quagmire and want to drown your sorrows with other remorseful souls. There is no happiness in misery even when it is shared.
This is an unhealthy situation to be in. You need to kick yourself and decide once and for all to either accept and reject who you are.
Satrana,
Thanks for the post and the info as well..You seem smart , polite you have always posted very well and thoughtful. Trust me if there was a switch to turn it off when it comes around I would.. You see I live a very happy life in male mode, great job super children and friends. I live in male mode 99% of the time maybe less 1 - 3 percent depending on the urges.. I don't want them URGES I want them to go away .. Explain to me if you could how because I don't want them, how can I just shut them off?
Or I could just give in , right dress more often then the same problem occurs but the male side the stonger lifestyle the one I perfer is wanting to come out. I am no different than most of you here I have heared it hundreds of times it doesn't shut off..BTW if you have the pill to shut it off or the method of making one please share.. I can understand where you folks come from I do find some enjoyment when dressed but the disgusted feelings and quilt follows always..I don't expect any of those who found happiness in crossdressing to understand my feelings tho..
Thanks
C.W.
Hold on there, bucko. I understand very well where you are. I've been there. Done that. Got the damn t-shirt.
So have a lot more of us. I'm not the only one who wondered for years what the hell was broken in my head. I'm not the only one who could be going along fine for months, everything normal, and suddenly all I could think about was lingerie. (In my case, at the wheel of 80 tons of moving machinery... somewhat of a distraction.) And I'm certain all of us have been through the guilt, the shame, the purging, the swearing off, the temptation, and the mental pandemonium. Did I mention shame? Throw a little old-timey hellfire and brimstone religion, while we're at it.
And there's still a lot more out there, going through the same crap you are. But they don't have the guts to go look for answers, like you're doing.
A lot of us here have looked for the answers. Maybe we started before you did. Well, we haven't found any. Sorry. Can't help. No answers. F*ck, we don't even know what questions to ask!
You know about alcoholics? How even if one hasn't touched a drop in 20 years, he's still an alcoholic? He's a "recovering" alcoholic. That one drop, and it's right back in the gutter. Every day is a struggle just to stay on the wagon. You want to be a "recovering" crossdresser? Wake up every day, and mouth affirmations, "one day at a time?" Knowing that the second you get near a pair of high heels, you fall off the wagon?
Well, alcohol can kill you. Heels & lacy things won't.
The happy folk here have simply decided that it's easier, and saner, to stay off the wagon. Just because they don't all talk about the hell they've been through, doesn't mean they haven't been there.
And just because we've adjusted to it, and come out from the closet to one degree or another, doesn't change anything else. I once entertained thoughts of "transitioning" (isn't that a cute little euphemism for a waste of a perfectly good penis?), along with the other mental nastiness. Now I'm entirely happy with being male, my manly job, everything. All it took was the first time out of the house, to find that no one thinks I'm a whack job. (They might for other reasons, though... lol) Now those nice clothes stay in the closet except for the once-in-a-blue-moon night at a club, or when I just have to be a camera *****. I'm free to focus on my work, and the important things in life -- beer and women. :D For me, going public was like beating the last level of a video game. Once you've mastered the game, it loses some importance in your mind.
Everything changed when I quit beating myself up. And the biggest help to get there? Meeting more people like me online. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one is enough.
To borrow a phrase from a former Douchebag-in-Chief, I feel your pain. I'm not saying you should be giddy, or go off the pink deep end, or turn all girly, or buy into the platitudes about "expressing the woman within." I don't think that's where you are, or where you're meant to go.
Just stop -- some way, somehow -- stop torturing yourself. It's an executive decision you have to make, and no one else can make it for you.
Last edited by MissConstrued; 01-16-2009 at 12:15 AM.
Curse, I think I understand your situation. For me it is similar. For years I felt the same as you. Even today I would seriously consider 'pulling the plug' on CDing if it was possible...life sure would be easier. When I first joined this site about 3 years ago, I didn't feel like I was the same as anyone, but I knew deep down the feeling would never go, so I decided to face it head on. I just read a lot and tried to figure out what it all means to me. I thought, for some reason I am driven to dress...so I tried it, full power. I discovered that after going out many times, the strong desire has diminished and the shame and guilt is gone. I still do it for the thrill or challenge and there is still a compulsion sometimes. Actually, for the first time in my life, I am happy with who I am. I think once you truely accept the feelings and somehow integrate them in to your life then you are 'cured of the curse'. Maybe the compulsion will never fully go away, but it seems like the more you fight it the stronger it gets. Hang in there.
If you want something bad enough you have to work/fight for it.
Find a Catholic preist to excorsise you of the "demon" with in.I know that sounds like a load of crap but maybe the "girl" with in you is an entity living or "hosting"inside you.Those thing do happen.
I know people will think I'm nuts for saying that but I have had the opportunity to watch an excorsim and I can't expalin the hows or whys but it scared the shi* out of me. Hearing a small fragile woman sound like a pro wrestler spewing vial horrible things at the preist.
I'm not a religous person in the normal sense but a spiritualist.
Maybe it could be as simple as just not giving in to the urge.When the urge hits go some where and do something else.
I don't mean to come off insensitive but you need to find a way to stop being so down on yourself.Think positive.
Tracii and Sally ,
Thank you both and as I have said before I am not beating myself up over this I just want it to go away that's all..When I started this thread it wasN'T directed to me only and how I feel.. I wanted to know if others felt the way I do about crossdressing , thats all..I appreciate your concerns tho ,really I do.
But I am ok with myself dis likeing xdressing I feel the more I do the less i get the urges but never stupid enough to purge..They always come back we all know that. Everyone really this isn't a rant or poor me thread it is reaching out to some who feel beat up for not accepting it in a forum that is dedicated to it in all forms.. You have said been there in one way or another I am 43 years old been getting the urges as long as I can remember .I am past purgeing and I know somewhat in how to control or live with the little urges I get..Yes believe it or not there are people just like me that feel strongly about never accepting it.
Thanks again everyone
C.W.
Well its a very interesting topic.At least we know how you feel maybe a new section dealing with this is in order.Admins?
What you do as a crossdresser--whether because of uncontrollable urges or comfortable desires--is up to you. I have found that everything that I thought I was alone in thinking or doing as a crossdresser was represented by participants in this site, often by many people who participate in this forum. I find that encouraging. I hope that you are encouraged too.
warmly, Linnea
C.W.,
You are not alone. For many years I told myself that my cross-dressing as a teen was just a phase. I was in denial about the urges being there. I told myself that I would never cross-dress again. I wasn't one of "those" people.
When I bought my first article of clothing, I thought to myself that I was just going to try wearing it once, and that the urge to cross-dress would go away when I proved to myself that wearing it wasn't fun. The urge didn't go away.
I still haven't fully accepted the fact that I cross-dress or that it is OK to cross-dress. Reading this forum helps quite a bit, and posting helps more. I've always known that many or most people in society don't accept it, but it is great to know there are lots of people in this community that not only accept it, but welcome me here. That is important because this is a part of me that isn't going to go away.
B.G.
First. WELCOME! Based off this one well thought and tactful post I look forward to your contributions. I would also be happy to share thoughts
Second, my crossdressing can now legally drink as it has been 21 years, a short time in the grand scheme, but hopefully it will at least triple... anyway I spent the first 15 or 16 years of that thinking much like you.
I don't know if you want to accept it ever or find a way to get rid of it (if you do let me know. an "actual" choice would be enlightening) or whatever. It doesn't matter, it's all fine by me, you weren't pushing your views on me and I am happy to return the favor, however I will tell you two things from my experience:
1) You'll never accept it unless you WANT to.
2) Accepting that part of yourself, even just beginning too, can be really really difficult (thanks mainly to #1) but it is waaaaaayyyyyy better than hating yourself.
Third, I think you are a rare breed here because most in your position probably just lurk (nothing wrong with that imho) or don't ever look for a site like this. I know I didn't even think of looking for a support oriented site until I was reading to accept it.
Anyway my private messages box has plenty of room!
- Natalie
P.S. that's what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R where eliminated.
-Mitch Headburg
"If you think you think outside the box, you're trapped in one"
- M.C. Paul Barman
Although each of us has had a very different experience, there is a lot of commonality in the posts to this great thread. When I was young (and there was no web) I was very confused about the desires that I had, confused but definitely not guilty because I think that even then I realized that it was not something that I could control.
The urges came and went (or I learned how to suppress them) until a couple of years into my marriage. Then I tried to come out to my wife, but it was a very clumsy attempt. She got mad, so I shot right back into the closet.
I hid my dressing from her, and everyone else, for nearly 30 years, until finally I let myself be caught. By this time she knew me well enough not be be threatened, and has come to accept me when I dress around the house. She even helps me shop, but I always wear drab outside the house, perhaps underdressed. For career and social reasons, I dare not come out to the rest of the world, or risk being seen, so I make do with dressing at home with my wife as the only female friend of Colleen.
All of this background is prelude to expressing the primary emotions that I have about being a CD - disappointment at least and mostly anger that society cannot accept us. Virtually all other "different" groups have by now been accepted into the diversity of society, but CDers must either pass, or hide, or not care about being identified.
So no, you are not alone, but your experiences so far have soured you, and made you feel guilty about expressing your true self. IMHO it would be better to be angry than guilty. The fault is not in ourselves, but in the world we inhabit.
I find it interesting that some of these posts have developed a "US" vrs "Them" mentality. That's sort of sad as we all should be able to accept, help, and communicate with each other here regardless of our beliefs and comfort levels.
Yes, when I was younger I WAS filled with guilt, and I DID hate crossdressing. It made my life uncomfortable. It made my life complicated. It gave me head trips I didn't need. Yes, I would have taken any reasonable cure that might have come along.
Somewhere along the line though, my thinking changed. I decided that I was tired of being ashamed of it, and that in the great scheme of things, it wasn't worth all the angst. How and why my feelings and attitude changed - I have no idea, but there you have it.
Thanks again everyone who has posted I am gonna sit the rest of this one out but I will continue threading ....I just wanted everyone to know you do help in your own way...I really don't recall ever saying at anytime I didn't like being here or I didn't like the people on this forum ... You all are great folks and you do make people feel welcomed.. For those who got the message thanks for understanding that x-dressing isn't always puppies and ponies for all and that some of us deal with it in a negative way..
Thanks
C.W.
Last edited by curse within; 01-16-2009 at 08:27 AM.
You're not alone. I've come a long way from feeling guilty all the time but some days I wake up and think, "why am I doing this, it causes me so much turmoil, i have a hard time talking to my gf about it and sometimes I feel like a freak", but it feels plain WRONG when I don't do it. It does feel like an addiction, but again, it's not so much of a "fix" I'm after, it's a state of normalcy. I'm responding here to your statements. We're not the same, but not completely different either:
1. We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.
-Each person has their own closet, it's not limited to crossdressing. I don't get out a whole lot, sometimes being here is my way of getting out and socializing.
2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.
-If a person treats me respectfully, it doesn't matter to me.
3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.
- For sexual reasons? I feel those things after eating an entire large bag of M&M's in one sitting. Seriously though, I have too. What is it you feel guilty about?
4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..
- I actually prefer wearing jeans and pants over skirts, I'm guessing that puts me in the minority here, but it's neither right or wrong, it's individual.
5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.
- I would agree with the sometimes, and long ago it was most times for me.
6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.
- Other than a few squabbles, everybody here gets along even though we are very different. Just look at the topics that have been replied to the most, you'll see fifty different answers to a yes or no question. So you don't fuss over new lipstick shades or the best ways to make cleavage, I don't spend a lot of time in the trans or MTF sections, but I do read there a bit. It's enough that, whatever my interests are, I don't have to make a friend here and worry about what they might think about my choice of clothes.
It's pretty much always been that and will always be that way. There are so many variations, we'll never be able to all understand each other.
Understand? Probably not. At least not always.
Accept, help, and communicate with each other? Absolutely!
As I always like to say: "I may not be able to walk in your shoes, but I can walk next to them."
I'm so far back in the closet that I'm finding Christmas presents!
:fairy1:
"Women often don't seem to have a problem with us, as long as we're not romantically involved with them of course." - goofus
The ideas CW brings up can be, in a way, like peeling a scab off of a wound. Most people here have a very similar, templated story - urges, confusion, experimentation, recrimination, guilt, more confusion, more recrimination, unhappiness, acceptance, indulgence, happiness. To come to a place over decades in most cases where a person can understand, accept, and be happy with who they are and the choices they make is a long and arduous journey, and finding others who have shared that journey makes for a strong and powerful reaffirmation of one's life choices.
But as much as we can empathise with someone who has not followed that path, bringing the idea that what we choose is not viewed as a positive by another can threaten the choices we have made in our own lives. Having struggled to overcome feelings of guilt, self-loathing, and external negativity, to hear someone say that they think the things we do are not a positive for them - even though they share the things we do - is an uncomfortable reminder of the ways that we used to feel as well. And in that light, very few people who have made that journey can truly see a worldview where they would tell someone "I know you do what I do, and I think it's pretty okay....but yes, you shouldn't do it, even if it's for all the reasons I told myself didn't matter".
It seems like the "pink fog" is a fun thing to joke about when it relates to throwing on a pretty dress, or buying that extra skirt in the department store, or otherwise indulging in our hobby/fetish/lifestyle/life choice. But what about when it is more serious than some time shopping or that hit to the credit card? I have seen people here aggressively defend a crossdresser's right to do it at any time, any place, in front of anyone, without much visible concern for anyone else's feelings or thoughts - indeed, there is an orthodoxy among some people that any dissent or objection is a threat to our rights to be who we are. Nervermind the fact that nearly anything we could choose to do in our life is constrained by a right time, right place, right people box. Would you watch porn at work? Get drunk in front of your kids? Drive 100mph through a school zone? I would hope not, and editing yourself in these situations is by no means an indictment of doing any of these things in the appropriate venue. But we seem to aggressively defend our choices no matter what, almost as if to do otherwise would be to allow the old doubts and guilt come creeping back.
I don't think that there is any negativity to accept that this community is probably not the best resource for someone who wants to stop crossdressing, or to end their deisre to do so. There's no shame in not being all things to all people, especially with something like this, where we have all struggled to find a way to accept and live with our feelings and desire, and most of us have come to, at the very least, an uneasy truce, and at best, a full and blessed new dimension to life. If CW truly desires to find a way to stop his desires, then we have not failed to be kind, thoughtful, helpful, or supportive, and our own choices are not threatened or invalidated. We may think we know what is best with the combined weight of our own experience and worldview, but no matter what, our individual way will never be everyone's way, and our collective path to acceptance and indulgence may not be someone else's. To that end, if he wants to find a way to stop, at the end of the day, that's what he should do. None of us can say what the result might be, but finding help to be self-aware and honest with oneself is always worth it. Maybe he'll find a way to stop the desire, maybe he'll find a way to accept it, who can really say? That's really not that important, as long as he ends up happy.
BINGO and well said!
VERY well put I think.
Last edited by TxKimberly; 01-16-2009 at 02:59 PM.
[SIZE="3"]I started crossdressing late in life. After some initial trepidation, I came out to myself as a cd. I felt liberated and complete when I said that. I never felt any guilt or shame about it, either.
I think everyone has their own comfort level and I respect that. It's ironic that fifteen years ago, a man wearing women's clothing repulsed me. Now I have a preference for women's attire. You never know.
Gennee [/SIZE]
I'm getting better with age. I may have started late, but better late than never!
"Don't let anyone define who you are".
I have had many heartbreaks and challenges in my life. I'm bipolar, ADD, borderline personality disorder, depression and my brain says I'm female, but that's not what I see when I look in the mirror..
I'm a gambling addict.. will have to work till the day I die, but you know, it doesn't matter..
I'm a mess, no woman, not even my first wife of 18 years who turned out to be a lesbian, but could not accept me as a woman really can deal with all my issues..
I do have two great dogs.. They don't care if I wear funny clothes.. they know I love them and as ****ed up as I appear to most normal people, I know God loves me..
I thank him for all I have experienced. The good, the bad, the sad and the heartbreaking. Every experience is a gift.. you just have to want to see it that way..
Be thankful,
Hugs,
Randi
I agree - I think a lot of us have been there, I know I have - but it is possible to defeat those demons in your head? It does however take time...
When you get through to the other side, though, you do wonder why you held yourself in that unhappy state for so long?
Surely the question is, how can you turn that negative into a positive?
The first step is often to find other people and see for yourself that they can accept themselves - and that you're not alone?
Nicki
[SIZE="1"]Moi?[/SIZE]
It is good to see a number of posts here that validate CW's feelings and also acknowledge his desire to "pull the plug" without trying to fix him. I know part of the reason he joined here was to find like minded friends that also are actively in the same quandry.
I don't know how to help him find the peace he desires. We each have our own path to follow and no two are exactly the same. What I do want to be is a listening ear and a support for whatever choice, if any, he chooses for his own life.
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
That's the whole deal. Nobody really knows how to help someone in this situation find peace. Not therapists, other CD's, etc. I can't count the number of times I've had someone tell me "well, just accept yourself". Well, duh...it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out. The million dollar question is - how do we do that when every fiber of our being tells us CD-ing is wrong? Is CD-ing really worth the shame, guilt, self-loathing it brings upon us? or is it easier to just not CD? There is no easy answer. And no easy explanation.
yes, I'm sure some of you will say I've really over-complicated this whole thing. Sorry, just trying to keep it real.
I haven't read all the replies here, so if I repeat some already mentioned thoughts, please forgive me.
To address the original post of "curse within" - I once was where you are now, more or less. I think a lot of us started out like that - especially with the guilt thing.
I am not yet where I want to be, but a couple of years ago I decided to start moving forward and allowing myself to acknowledge what I am and that it is not a disease or mental illness. Most of society is not accepting of mtf crossdressers, but they were also once not accepting of the idea of a (real) woman voting or driving a car or even wearing pants!
I started shaving and going beyond the "guilt sessions". I stopped hating myself for the things I enjoyed doing. I came out to my wife and she's been exceptionally supportive of my crossdressing and even encourages it. In that regard, I consider myself very lucky as I know I a lot of wives are not accepting of cd husbands and that really bothers me.
I have a long way yet to go, but I will continue to move forward, if only in baby steps. I'm kicking myself for not pushing the go button years ago. How much better life could have been if only I stopped fighting myself years ago. What a horrible waste of time.
I hope you can some day free yourself of your dreaded "curse" and allow yourself to enjoy the beautiful feminine side you've been blessed with. You've been programmed from a young age to not be accepting of this kind of thing. Society won't accept us any time soon, but I accept you and so does every other girl (or guy if you prefer) who posted here.
There are a lot more crossdressers out there than any of us will ever know about. Just like I was a couple of years ago, they will not allow themselves to acknowledge their feminine side or even to look up places like this on the internet.
Let go of the crap your mind has been filled with and accept yourself. I bet that guilty feeling you experience will start to fade once you do.
[SIZE="3"]Tired of all the lies and misconceptions about crossdressing?
Separate fact from fiction and learn the truth.[/SIZE]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIZE="1"]My wife loves ALL of me, not just my man-side. Will you?[/SIZE]
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