Originally Posted by curse within
Hold on there, bucko. I understand very well where you are. I've been there. Done that. Got the damn t-shirt.
So have a lot more of us. I'm not the only one who wondered for years what the hell was broken in my head. I'm not the only one who could be going along fine for months, everything normal, and suddenly all I could think about was lingerie. (In my case, at the wheel of 80 tons of moving machinery... somewhat of a distraction.) And I'm certain all of us have been through the guilt, the shame, the purging, the swearing off, the temptation, and the mental pandemonium. Did I mention shame? Throw a little old-timey hellfire and brimstone religion, while we're at it.
And there's still a lot more out there, going through the same crap you are. But they don't have the guts to go look for answers, like you're doing.
A lot of us here have looked for the answers. Maybe we started before you did. Well, we haven't found any. Sorry. Can't help. No answers. F*ck, we don't even know what questions to ask!
You know about alcoholics? How even if one hasn't touched a drop in 20 years, he's still an alcoholic? He's a "recovering" alcoholic. That one drop, and it's right back in the gutter. Every day is a struggle just to stay on the wagon. You want to be a "recovering" crossdresser? Wake up every day, and mouth affirmations, "one day at a time?" Knowing that the second you get near a pair of high heels, you fall off the wagon?
Well, alcohol can kill you. Heels & lacy things won't.
The happy folk here have simply decided that it's easier, and saner, to stay off the wagon. Just because they don't all talk about the hell they've been through, doesn't mean they haven't been there.
And just because we've adjusted to it, and come out from the closet to one degree or another, doesn't change anything else. I once entertained thoughts of "transitioning" (isn't that a cute little euphemism for a waste of a perfectly good penis?), along with the other mental nastiness. Now I'm entirely happy with being male, my manly job, everything. All it took was the first time out of the house, to find that no one thinks I'm a whack job. (They might for other reasons, though... lol) Now those nice clothes stay in the closet except for the once-in-a-blue-moon night at a club, or when I just have to be a camera *****. I'm free to focus on my work, and the important things in life -- beer and women. :D For me, going public was like beating the last level of a video game. Once you've mastered the game, it loses some importance in your mind.
Everything changed when I quit beating myself up. And the biggest help to get there? Meeting more people like me online. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one is enough.
To borrow a phrase from a former Douchebag-in-Chief, I feel your pain. I'm not saying you should be giddy, or go off the pink deep end, or turn all girly, or buy into the platitudes about "expressing the woman within." I don't think that's where you are, or where you're meant to go.
Just stop -- some way, somehow -- stop torturing yourself. It's an executive decision you have to make, and no one else can make it for you.
