when you ask the question of whether you are "ts", you could be asking alot of things...many ts women never transtion, transition without srs, live without hormones, i beleive that you can be ts and not "know" it in the sense that we all know it.....the mind is incredible and if it can repress your nature for 30 yrs, why not 70 yrs?...although i do know 2 70+ yr old transitioners and they are very bitter folks.....and btw ...all crossdressers are different too....some like the sexiness, some like calm of it, some just like to freak people out....why all the definitions??? i know we are stuck with them because to transition and get my hormones and surgeries, i need dr's letters that basically say i'm ts, which is "officially" a mental disorder in the US and i think in Britain too.....a mental disorder that insurance doesnt help pay for!!!ugh

so as many point out, why define it?...its just what you do.....i repeat...its what you do!!!!

i'm very interested in this topic....when i go out and hang out with t-friends that are anything but post-op women....we talk on and on about this...why? why me? poor me, what will i tell my wife, what am i? am i really ts? etc etc..

when i go out with post op women we talk about music, movies, sports, our families....etc....outside of trans related politics, i've cant recall this type of discussion among a group post - ops.....of course, knowing my situation, i do get lots and lots of advice from post op women...

here's a tidbit from one....she said something like ..."i feel like i was on a long train ride, i could not get off the train no matter how hard i tried, i was tired, hungry, the train seemed to be out of control at times, and nothing else mattered, then all of sudden, my stop came up and i got off the train, and then i thought, where am i? what should i do now?...but i was a woman and i was very happy to be in that place"

does that sound like what you want?...i myself can't wait to get off on my stop....it certainly didnt deter me from my course...of course, i can't get off the train if i wanted!!!!!!


for me it was the pile up of life experience that finally broke my male spirit, which for me, was just a mirage....being a guy is great...IF YOU"RE A GUY!!!!!!!!!!! over time, everything about my male life weighed on my more and more and as melissa pointed out....its not Bull@)#T, its hard hard stuff, it was totally devasting to me to have all of my inner defenses fall apart ...inner defenses built around shame, guilt, and dare i say male obligation (guys just don't do this!!!) these are powerful emotions and not easily dealt with.....

so i totally broke down and i know lots of you have as well, and as i come up out of it, i'm still very lonely and emotional and the ups and downs are many....but i keep going!!! for MY OWN reasons....i'm DOING MY THING, and you can define me any way you want...i know genetically i was born a man, but my brain will not allow me to function as a guy...every time something happens to slow down my seemingly endless transition (i only started hrt in july heh), makes me miserable and brings back all that gender dysphoria...

tess--- all these thoughts you are having are totally normal human behavior...not typical of most but we were all put on this earth somehow and a whole bunch of us are stuck with this and many many sadly commit suicide!! over it, end up homeless over it, or end up beat up or shamed by it...
I FINALLY after many years of hating myself over it, decided to celebrate it and most importantly ACCEPT it...


tess....you seem to accept yourself just fine!!!
that took me 4 years of hell.......so I say just keep doing what you are doing, and explore your own self....with an OPEN mind, no shame, no guilt, just you being you and see what happens....you are doing great and you are definitely not alone! If you are starting to feel dysphoric, you can tell there are lots of folks here who know what you're talking about and you can share with us....same goes if you feel you are androgenous and want to live a dual life

michele