Crossdressing noob... help?

[Thomas]

I must admit that when I started reading about getting an emo haircut I thought it was not a good idea. Emo guys sometimes look kind of girlie. But your pictures after the haircut are just amazing.

I think you can totally pass. How tall are you?

I'm 5'5"

and honestly I knew I had to get an emo cut. Id gotten so used to my online persona that he became a part of me and if i was ever to be a guy i had to be him... and its seriously freaky cause... i look similar to that picture i picked out to represent myself years ago..

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...mas/Thomas.jpg

but i end up looking really girly if i take a picture from the front view or if i smile. look how horrible D:

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...icture0230.jpg

and im still worried about the voice thing.. thats probably the main thing keeping me from passing..

that. and body language. and my not-so-great binding.

I understand you completely mate, it was five years this year at the tender age of 16 when i decided to begin moving towards living full time as male, feeling like i had my whole life but had been forced to wear female things to please my parents.

On T now and loving every day that ticks by, even drama filled days, i still have that big grin inside whilst a frown inhabits my face. I'm happy, and by your posts, so too are you.

It's a great feeling man, but if you decide to go full steam ahead with this, it's not gonna be easy, but at least if not in person, you have us to help and support you.

Looking good though man, deffo got the masculine look shining right out of ya...as i said, jealous is burning, i want your hair! Lol.

this whole thing is a bit scarry to me honestly cause bringing it out in the open is so new... i feel like im kinda taking my heart and opening it on a table for the whole world to disect. but at the same time... being able to have such an awesome change is really exciting and it keeps me wanting to move forward

the bigger changes are something that i really want, but at the same time im also afraid of. perhaps because i don't know much about it...

[NiCo]

this whole thing is a bit scarry to me honestly cause bringing it out in the open is so new... i feel like im kinda taking my heart and opening it on a table for the whole world to disect. but at the same time... being able to have such an awesome change is really exciting and it keeps me wanting to move forward

the bigger changes are something that i really want, but at the same time im also afraid of. perhaps because i don't know much about it...

Yeah it is an exciting thing to be going on, and all the excitement will be like a driving-force, but you need to be careful with that because the first thing that goes wrong might push you back into the big bad closet. You need to stay strong and focused on what you want, not what other people want!

Not knowing anything about it can cause a lot of fear. At 16 i was really immature and naive and i was terrified. I knew what i wanted, i knew how i felt but didn't know how to express how i felt, where to start and what to do. Back then i didn't have all these guys cheering me on, i did it on my own, but now when i think back, that was good for me personally.

Anyway, best of luck, i'll reply some more when i wake up later today [it's 2:20 am, eeeeek!]

[PetiteDuality]

but i end up looking really girly if i take a picture from the front view or if i smile. look how horrible D:

Hon, not horrible at all. You happen to be cute. We guys smile different and less often. It's something that has to be practiced. Maybe video recording yourself can help.

Regarding the voice: I guess it's easier for girls to make a male voice than it is for guys to emulate girl's voices. But I understand that hormones help. I remember an anecdote about the East German Olympic swimming coach (early 70's), being asked about the low voice tone of the female swimmers, he replied, "We came here to swim, not sing." They were illegally using hormones.

Good luck. I can see your are progressing very nicely. And it was just a haircut.

[Thornton]

guys... i got my hair cut...

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...s/measaguy.jpg

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o.../measaguy2.jpg

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o.../measaguy3.jpg

http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...d5a46bcb2c.jpg



i dont think i could possibly be happier.... omg

i would so squeel like a girl right now but that kinda ruins it xD



i found that my old corset is good for binding.
but it's still not completely flat... what are some cheap suggestions that i can use until im able to buy a propper compressor?

wow, man. You look amazing. Your passing ability just went up a sh*tload of points. Good for you.

As for cheap binding suggestions, I'm afraid the only cheap (and safe) suggestion I have for you is, and actual compressor. http://underworks.com/ftm/. I use the 997 style. each one is about 30 dollars before shipping. If you live in the US, you can send in a mail order and it will arrive rather quickly. (I remember sending a mail order on monday and getting my binders by saturday). I wear the 997 with a typical sports bra underneath. I don't quite remember anymore, but I believe I am somewhere in the D cup range for bras, but with the 997, I'd say I'm 97% flat. No one would ever notice unless they were studying my chest intently (which would just be weird). What I also like about this model is that it extends below the waist line, so it eliminates your hips a little as well.

about your voice, have you read Ze's voice thread?: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=111531

for body language, don't stress out too much about it. watch yourself, yes, but, if you worry too much, you'll just end up an awkward stiff. There is no one way to be a man. Every guy walks, talks and holds himself in whatever way is comfortable for him. Do what works for you.

and unfortunately, it does help in appearing more masculine if you don't smile. maybe because a smile makes the face more round like a girl's and less angular like a guy's, maybe smiles strip the face of the aggressive look (masculine look), I don't know.

"this whole thing is a bit scarry to me honestly cause bringing it out in the open is so new...i feel like im kinda taking my heart and opening it on a table for the whole world to disect. but at the same time... being able to have such an awesome change is really exciting and it keeps me wanting to move forward"

yeah, I remember the first time I bought a pair of boxers. I felt so scared, doing something considered taboo in our culture, but at the same time, happy and complete. The cashier addressed me as "young man" as paid for the underwear, and I felt flattered and petrified, because my voice would betray me if I responded back...

If you continue on with this even further, you'll find yourself coming out alot, to many people with varying knowledge and views on this issue, over and over. It is emotionally exhausting, and may at times seem unfair, but I find anything's worth it to be able to be yourself.

In regards to bigger, more permanent changes (hormones, surgery), think about it this way: you're 60 years old. Do you see a man, a woman, or someone in between? Since I was young, I saw myself growing into a man. The thought of being a woman makes me want to kill myself. Being a butch female just would not cut it for me. I'm not saying your views will be as black and white. You may never choose to make permanent changes, and that's just fine. There are many different ways to play human. But, keep doing research, to find out what you truly want.

[Ze]

id really love some tips on helping with my voice... ive been practicing but i kinda fail.

Shazaam! (I knew this thread would come in handy!)

Don't worry about the hormones right now. Seriously. If you feel you want them later on, then go for it. If not, that's fine, too. But for now, I get the feeling you're more "finding yourself" than anything else. Hormones are a big and irreversible decision. (And yes, can be difficult to get!) For now, simply get comfortable with yourself.

And I absolutely love your hair! (Wow, did that sound girly? :P) I feel it definitely proves you're passable. I wish my haircut had turned out that good. You've got the perfect punk/emo boy look going on now.

Edit: Darn it, Thorny, you stole my thunder! Now I won't wake you when I have three ladies in the room!

[Felix]

Hi Thomas and welcome I have been on this forum for three years and boy has it helped me and given me a lot of support I'm now six months into my transition and very happy with the way things are going. I myself came here much like you knowing my inner self to be male and wanting to express that to the outer world!! Being here has helped me to do this I'm sure you will find all the help and support you need here its a great place Now for your questions although I have to say I have to agree with most of what the peeps here have put and haven't got much to add except......

You do not have to be more aggressive to come across as male that's being macho in my book and in many other peeps books I know as well and that can be a complete turn off to a lot of peeps. The key is to be POSITIVELY ASSERTIVE :D Walk tall, shoulders back this will show confidence in who you are. Do eye contact but not overly coz men don't over do the eye contact thing ever were as women tend to be more eye contact conscious. Well I hope this has helped Hun and if I think of anything else I'll add it laters. Take cares xx Felix

[Thornton]

Edit: Darn it, Thorny, you stole my thunder! Now I won't wake you when I have three ladies in the room!

Aww, I'm sorry...I was only trying to help...I did credit you though, don't I get points for that?

[Ze]

Aww, I'm sorry...I was only trying to help...I did credit you though, don't I get points for that?

Naaaaah, you're fine. Just teasing you.

[Seamus_Jameson]

I've been off in a depressive funk the past week, but I just had to post a quick word of encouragement.

Tom, I'm going to contradict some of my more experienced brothers here, and suggest you go as fast as you can/want to (except for irreversible things like hormones and surgery). Many people AREN'T going to take you seriously, no matter what you do. I think everyone here can identify with the "heart on the table" emotions you are talking about. Basically, use that desperation to your advantage. Let the depression (and you will feel a lot of it) fuel your anger and let the anger fuel your aggression/confidence. It will drive you into places you never imagined you could go. Just, make sure you do have some space/privacy, because there are times you WILL need somewhere safe to cry/journal/rant/contemplate suicide (whatever you do when you feel down). Pick yourself up, get back out there. You have as much right to crossdress as anyone else. And as Logan said, if you are FTM, you are already a man. Nothing. . . no article of clothing, no femme gestures, no F on your driver's license (you do have a driver's license, right? ), nothing, no matter what. . . can take that away from you.

If someone else DOESN'T/CAN'T/WON'T see that, that's their problem.

If I had to offer any advice, be carefully who you come out to. I say this seriously, because there will be times when you are sitting with some friend/relative/neighbor, etc, and ze (sorry Ze!) will be talking about that "nice young lady" or "my wonderful niece". If the sudden urge to contradict said person arises, bite your tongue. Think about it carefully and talk to them later, if you really want them to know.

If it seems like I'm get way ahead of things, you might be happy to know that I've known about being transgendered all of three months. I came from very, very feminine, make-up, dresses, long hair, whole nine yards. I'm shorter than you are, too (5'2"). I've gone through things I wouldn't have believed possible--and I also get recognized as male several times a week. It can/does happen. Enjoy it!

[onerous]

I'll have to say something else... different, maybe.

Going through these kinds of sites can make you really engrossed in the whole TG thing.. happened to me, until it's all you could think of at times.. the "blue fog", maybe? There was a member here last time.. believing themselves to be a FTM.. then after an absence of a few months, came back saying that they realised they were not really a FTM.. just a masculine-identified female, female nonetheless.. said there was too much pressure (even though it may be invisible) from people here, to be a boy.. and that they just needed a break from these kinds of sites..

First make sure this is what you actually DO want deep inside yourself.. as that you really are TG rather than a CD... big difference there.. yes there are indeed FTM CDs around.. You don't want to be deep into transition and T before you realise that this is not really what you want.. give it a think, don't rush too quickly and enthusiastically into things.. start by slowly crossdressing a little, then going out into public as male etc.. see how it makes you feel, if that's indeed what you really want 24/7 for the rest of your life.. there can be that initial adrenaline thrill...

And um.. get a gender counselor.. get therapy... I belong to a few FTM yahoo groups.. on one of them theres a guy who is living fairly happily as a guy.. he said if he had therapy about 20 years ago.. he might not have needed to transition and could have lived happily as female if he had addressed the underlying self-issues he had at that time..

I just don't want you to make any mistakes that might be regretted for the rest of your life.. seen a fair few of those regret stories already... since you still seem to be pretty unsure of what exactly you are.. whether a CD or TG..?

I realise that on sites like these, it is frowned upon, almost taboo, to give an opinion that is opposing the majority "supportive" opinion... (seen that from my extensive MTF section lurkings) but I just wanted to get it out there. Its better than to have regrets later.

[Thornton]

I realise that on sites like these, it is frowned upon, almost taboo, to give an opinion that is opposing the majority "supportive" opinion... (seen that from my extensive MTF section lurkings) but I just wanted to get it out there. Its better than to have regrets later.

No, this is actually a very good point, onerous.

yeah, listen to him.

[NiCo]

First of all I suggest you google a few things. Such as transsexual, (ftm), cross dresser, queer and follow the links on the pages and read everything (maybe diagnose yourself?) cause if you don’t know what you are, it could be because you don’t have enough information or it could be confusion. Maybe something will spring out and you’ll be like “wow, that’s me!” you know?

Seamus made a good point, if you are SURE you are ftm then do it as quickly as you can. I wasn’t taken seriously, EVEN when I knew exactly what I was and had known my whole life but didn’t have the name for it. It’s only been recently when I’ve become ‘stubborn’ that I’ve been taken seriously with family etc. I refuse to answer to my old name (and I do it in a very arrogant way) and I ask “who is that? I thought she died?” etc. If they called me ‘her’ ‘she’ etc I say “I have male on my passport for a reason” and now they have finally taken the hint.

But onerous is right too. If you REALLY don’t know what you are, don’t rush into medical treatment until you know 100000000000000% cause you WILL regret it! See a therapist, talk with them blah blah and get it sorted in your head and THEN move onto the next step, which ever that may be.

There has been many time I’ve thought “for god sake would it be easier if I just lived as female, regardless how I feel…I get shouted at in the street, taken the piss out of by family and medical professionals and I might never find that partner to settle down with, never have kids, never be happy?” but then I remember back to the times I took numerous overdoses, was sectioned in psychiatric hospitals and self-harmed and it was all because I was so bloody upset at being ‘deformed’ and now I don’t care if I’ll settle down with a partner, have kids, cause I WILL be happy, on my own or whatever happens, I’ll feel at peace, I’ll give real smiles, because I’m sorting something out that should have been done 21 years ago.

It’s already showing now that this is the right thing I’m doing. Since my first T and anti-estrogen injections, I have not once attended hospital due to feeling suicidal, not once took anti depressant medication, not once phoned my dad up in a state of tears and screaming due to complete disgust at myself. I have been chilling at home, enjoying my voice breaking, my face changing and getting hairier lol…it’s brilliant. But that’s only because it’s right for me, I am sure and know this is what I NEED (not want)

[QUOTE=onerous;1805639I realise that on sites like these, it is frowned upon, almost taboo, to give an opinion that is opposing the majority "supportive" opinion...[/QUOTE]

This is a good point because I have been banned off about a dozen sites like this one because I have expressed something the other members didn’t like, I gave my opinion also, my own feelings and how I thought some of the things the other members said were WRONG in MY head, and I found myself banned. This is the only site that I have been able to express myself freely. That is why I am still here, it’s quite flexible and opinions are expressed liberally. Say what you want here, you will probably find that there is a lot of mature people here [haha, opinionated ] and you might just get the answers you have been hunting high and low for.

Good luck x

[Ze]

and ze (sorry Ze!) will be talking about that "nice young lady" or "my wonderful niece".

Ha! For a minute there, I really thought that was some sort of weird dig at me. First I thought, "When have I ever talked about my niece that way?" And then, "When has Seamus ever heard me?" And then I thought, "Wait...I have a niece?"

That's what I get for having a pronoun for a name.

And um.. get a gender counselor.. get therapy...

Yes yes yes! Do this! Personally, this was a fantastic step for me for two reasons:

1) She assured me I was not at all crazy. (That was a relief!)

2) She helped me figure out who I am. For whatever reason, I was becoming so confused and wishy-washy that she would suggest what she thought I might be, then I'd go home think about it, and pretty much say, "Yeah, you're right." :P Of course, never stand for a therapist that insists on what you are; that decision is still ultimately your own.

[Thomas]

ranting time. need to vent.

just a lot has been on my mind with this thing. I told a friend about my transgender issues and she was very supportive and nice about it... but shes been spreading the news around to everyone she meets. It's been making me feel very uncomfortable, because i was not really ready to openly come out of the closet to the whole world. Ive had people call me Thomas now who i didnt even know knew anything about it... and its a bit... humiliating, to tell you the truth. this is an extremely personal thing for me. something that I even feel guilty about at times. and its almost making me just want to revert to being female just to get away from all the stares, all the questions, the embarrassment... its really starting to upset me.

my friend was kind enough to actually BUY me a compressor shirt. and she put up a journal on Deviant Art about me to try and gain support for me. It was very sweet... but theres still the embarrassing aspect about telling MORE people...

I do have a therapist. but I haven't told her any of this yet. She's the type of person who would most likely say that im confused or that i have some sort of psychological condition and that i need to be "fixed". and then AGAIN its embarrassing!

i shouldn't be so humiliated by all this. but i'm thinking that maybe I came out to people about it too soon. I'm extremely sensitive about it. It's PERSONAL. I don't know. Its just hard for me...

Coming out as being bisexual was easy... i'm surrounded by friends who aren't straight. I was able to ask questions about what i was feeling, get advice and help. And it was so easily accepted...

Being transgender is HARD. its SCARRY. i'm freaking terrified. I don't have anyone to turn to to ask questions. and eventhough my friends have been nice about it... i know that it is not so easily accepted. They look at me differently. It's awkward and uncomfortable. I just *sigh* It seems like every little thing I do that makes me happier and that makes me want to be a guy even MORE is counteracted by something humiliating to make me upset and make me want to go back to being a girl.

All my whining summarized: its upsetting. what do i do?

[Thornton]

I told a friend about my transgender issues and she was very supportive and nice about it... but shes been spreading the news around to everyone she meets. It's been making me feel very uncomfortable, because i was not really ready to openly come out of the closet to the whole world. Ive had people call me Thomas now who i didnt even know knew anything about it... and its a bit... humiliating, to tell you the truth. this is an extremely personal thing for me. something that I even feel guilty about at times. and its almost making me just want to revert to being female just to get away from all the stares, all the questions, the embarrassment... its really starting to upset me.

Ask your friend to stop. She probably thinks she's doing you a favor by telling others, and has no idea that it's really bothering you so much. It's your life and you have the right to decide who knows what about it.

my friend was kind enough to actually BUY me a compressor shirt.

wow...isn't that nice? Which retailer, do you know?

I do have a therapist. but I haven't told her any of this yet. She's the type of person who would most likely say that im confused or that i have some sort of psychological condition and that i need to be "fixed". and then AGAIN its embarrassing!

but you can't know for sure until you try. if she rejects you or tries to "fix" you, find a new therapist.

Being transgender is HARD.

yup.

its SCARRY.

quite.

i'm freaking terrified. I don't have anyone to turn to to ask questions.

well, isn't that what this forum is about? you can ask questions here, you can vent...i know cyber-reality and physical reality are two different worlds, and we'll never be a part of your physical reality, but we'll help as much as we can.

and, I know it can feel like you're the only one out there with this issue. I know you know you're not, but it will still feel like it. to combat this feeling, I seriously suggest finding a queer youth group in your nearby major city. It will cater to trans youth as well, and there you'll be able to physically see and get to know people in situations similar to yours.

[Thomas]

wow...isn't that nice? Which retailer, do you know?

underworks :3 since it was recommended to me so many times. She picked it out with me. I got the 988. It hasn't arrived yet. I sent out the money order on saturday. im excited.

but you can't know for sure until you try. if she rejects you or tries to "fix" you, find a new therapist.

*deep sigh* okay. i just. don't exactly know how to go about discussing that subject

well, isn't that what this forum is about? you can ask questions here, you can vent...i know cyber-reality and physical reality are two different worlds, and we'll never be a part of your physical reality, but we'll help as much as we can.

and, I know it can feel like you're the only one out there with this issue. I know you know you're not, but it will still feel like it. to combat this feeling, I seriously suggest finding a queer youth group in your nearby major city. It will cater to trans youth as well, and there you'll be able to physically see and get to know people in situations similar to yours.

I know. and ive been relying on this a lot. you all have been really helpful and supportive. but you're right its not the same as reality. however. i do know one post-op mtf girl who lives near me and who some of my friends know. theyve spoken to her about me and given me her number. but. its so emberassing to call her. i don't know what i'd say. i just wanted to contact her to have her as a friend. someone who gets it. its really awkward to just call up a stranger like that just because shes trans like me. seems almost rude...

and i really would love to find a group like that! there should be one since i live like really close to Atlanta. I just don't know how to find them? I guess...

[brylram]

Ive had people call me Thomas now who i didnt even know knew anything about it...

This right here, daunting as it currently is, is a GOOD thing! Being called the right name everywhere you turn, without having to ask for it, is something that usually takes a good deal of fighting to achieve, and often doesn't happen until after being on testosterone for a while. Understand that I'm not saying it isn't a little too much too soon for you to handle, just like waking up having gone from being pre-T to having a beard and everything overnight would be... I'm just saying that the fact that you're being called the right name faster than expected, is MUCH better then being met with pointed use of the wrong one, or being greeted with a fist.

While I can't personally relate to wanting to move slow, (I had already known I was male for years and just thought I was stuck with my body, so I wasn't about to take anymore shit as soon as I found out that wasn't true, and I came out to my parents that very night) I CAN relate to the feeling of being put on the spot, and undoubtedly more than a little bit of a lack of safety. Fear and uncertainty are a part of every transperson's journey, in one way or another... but as one of the many (MANY) people who have had to struggle for the right name to be used even by those they were close to, believe me, scary yet positive is a gift.

I guess the closing thought/summary of what I'm saying here is that: People are going to be way the **** up in your bubble... cherish it when they're in there smiling at you, not spitting.

[4serrus]

Tell em you're a person, not a science project.

[Ze]

I can understand your feelings of fear and humiliation. I bet a lot of people here can.

This stuff can start off as very personal. Of course, it varies for people, but to me, it was my matter. People could know about it when I said so, and when I told them myself. I'm not and have never been ashamed of who I am, but I was afraid and embarrassed of people I didn't know (but who would somehow already know about me) approach me.

I'm getting a bit freer with my identity, but I know I'll still have an issue if people I don't or barely know come up to me with knowledge of me being TG when I'm not ready for them. It makes me feel like I'm more a topic of gossip than empowerment.

Anyway, your friend, as supportive as they are, may be taking the classic "proof that they're hip route." I could be dead wrong, but it's a trend that people, who accept TGs or think they're cool, will immediately spread around that they have such a friend in the hopes that their own public image looks cooler by association. Basically, spreading the news is more for their sake than yours. It's still unfortunate; they shouldn't be saying stuff when you're not ready. In the end, it's kind of like somebody trying to passively prove they're not racist by telling everybody that they have a black friend.

The same goes for people who barely know you already calling you "Thomas." Looking at it one way, it seems positive that people are accepting you as TG, but I daresay this is more for themselves than you. Just like somebody saying that they have a TG friend to improve their own self-image of acceptance, others may scramble to "appear" TG-friendly since it's becoming the cool thing to do in our generation. The end result is a huge breach of your privacy and a sudden lacking of your own autonomy in relation to your TG-ness and identity crisis.

I also agree with what Thornton said: If your therapist tries to "fix" you, find a new one. I know it's easier said than done, but I can't stress this more.

All in all, hang in there. You're in a position right now that's really confusing: You think your trans and struggling with that, yet suddenly it's becoming a public matter. You feel weird and want to vent about people automatically calling you "Thomas," yet feel bad about "complaining" about people "accepting" you. Of course you want people to accept you! Just not this way. Am I somewhat right in saying this?

You at least have us here on this forum, so feel free to vent whenever you want.

[Thornton]

i've never tried 988. tell me how it fits.


How about: "I feel like my mind is incongruent with my body..." or " Every step I take towards masculinity makes me happy"...or something of the like. I can't put words in your mouth. Sit down, think about it, write it down on an index card if you have to, and tell her.

I give you, Youth Pride: http://www.youthpride.org/home
found courtesy of google.

[brylram]

Tell em you're a person, not a science project.

Really... ? I hope you don't mean that about the people in general, rather than just the friend who told everyone.

The only person doing anything wrong, as far as I can see from what was written (it seems like they're just using the name unexpectedly, not being mean about it, so if I'm wrong about that I'll have to rethink) is the friend who blabbed. The feeling of embarassment will pass, leaving a bunch of people doing the right thing without Thomas having to fight for it... transition is uncomfortable, but this is probably the best breed of discomfort there is.

The friend should definitely have kept her mouth shut, and needs to be talked to for sure... but telling anyone else off when they're doing good, would just be counter-productive and lead to a new set of difficulties later on, which would be ON TOP of the current embarassment.

EDITS: more posts were made while I was typing

Of course, it varies for people, but to me, it was my matter. People could know about it when I said so, and when I told them myself. I'm not and have never been ashamed of who I am, but I was afraid and embarrassed of people I didn't know (but who would somehow already know about me) approach me.

The problem in that situation is only the person/people who spread the info when they weren't supposed to. Really though, would it be better for people, once they knew, to call you the wrong thing anyway? Once they know, they should absolutely use the right name and pronouns, regardless of how they know or what their motivation is.

The same goes for people who barely know you already calling you "Thomas." Looking at it one way, it seems positive that people are accepting you as TG, but I daresay this is more for themselves than you. Just like somebody saying that they have a TG friend to improve their own self-image of acceptance, others may scramble to "appear" TG-friendly since it's becoming the cool thing to do in our generation. The end result is a huge breach of your privacy and a sudden lacking of your own autonomy in relation to your TG-ness and identity crisis.

Again, why is it a bad thing that those people are using the right name? They shouldn't know, but they do... so they are absolutely doing the right thing, regardless of how it makes Thomas feel at this point in time. Never, EVER should it be acceptable for a person to DECIDE to use the wrong name or pronouns once they know. If the average person were to be informed that they should call a transperson what they have learned is the wrong thing until PERSONALLY informed otherwise... would that be what you would see as ideal?

**** what their reason for acknowledging your identity is.. the fact is that it is absolutely what they should be doing. Is it unexpected? Yes. Is it uncomfortable for you at this point? Clearly, yes. Does the friend need to be talked to? Definitely. Should you tell anyone who uses that name with you that you would like them not to use it in conversation with anyone who doesn't use it first? Well, that's up to you... especially on the matter of whether they should reinforce use of your female name now that the right one is being used by some instead. Here's a thought from that though... now that so many are using the right name, you probably should just deal with it... because now that some people are using the right name it IS going to spread.

So which is a better situation:

1. a. Blah blah blah, Thomas, blah blah.
b. Thomas? What are you talking about... that's *female name*.
c. Oh crap, you didn't know... well actually... (*feels sheepish for letting it leak, but can't go back now*)

or

2. c. Oh yeh, right, they're a girl... you are correct.

Especially if that's followed with anything refering to how Thomas is a name that should not be used for you in the future and how others should be informed as such.

[Ze]

I figured somebody would try and bring up this argument soon enough; the idea that the motive doesn't matter.

Once again, Thomas is being objectified against his will. That's not cool. Private information is being spread against his wishes. That's not cool. He's being treated and viewed as a trendy showpiece, not a person. That's not cool. He's being used as an end to somebody else's means, not as an end for his own. That's not cool.

All in all, it's recognition without the respect. Thomas is already being cited as "the transperson" rather than a person that happens to be trans. His TG-ness is being recognized as the sole of his identity and existence. I am sure any of us with a life will agree that there's more to us than our TG-ness.

The problem with recognition without the respect is it won't last forever. Once the trend dies out (kind of like America's current obsession with going green), all the hipster followers will go with it. Once the recognition is gone, we'll be left with no more respect than what we started out with. It's very healthy for Thomas to be realizing his distaste for such attention on his own already; it shows he's not in some sort of blue fog or in need of a serious reality check.

If these people had respect for Thomas, they wouldn't be bombarding him every which way. They'd be doing the opposite.

I can't speak for Thomas at this point, but I personally would rather the realness of somebody insisting I'm female when I'm not, provided that's how they think. Why? I want to deal with their true emotions, their true feelings about me being trans. I can't stand forced acceptance; we'll never get anywhere that way. To disguise somebody's negative or blase feelings this way makes it a lot harder to detect the warning signs of hate later on down the line. And that can lead to some serious consequences, some far worse than simple resentment breeding. To do otherwise, to rather somebody's negative feelings be masked, is to be coddled in a world that doesn't exist.

Side moment: It would be a lot easier, Logan, if you would cite who said which quote you are quoting, especially when quoting more than one person in a post.

[Thomas]

This right here, daunting as it currently is, is a GOOD thing! Being called the right name everywhere you turn, without having to ask for it, is something that usually takes a good deal of fighting to achieve, and often doesn't happen until after being on testosterone for a while. Understand that I'm not saying it isn't a little too much too soon for you to handle, just like waking up having gone from being pre-T to having a beard and everything overnight would be... I'm just saying that the fact that you're being called the right name faster than expected, is MUCH better then being met with pointed use of the wrong one, or being greeted with a fist.

**** what their reason for acknowledging your identity is.. the fact is that it is absolutely what they should be doing. Is it unexpected? Yes. Is it uncomfortable for you at this point? Clearly, yes. Does the friend need to be talked to? Definitely. Should you tell anyone who uses that name with you that you would like them not to use it in conversation with anyone who doesn't use it first? Well, that's up to you... especially on the matter of whether they should reinforce use of your female name now that the right one is being used by some instead. Here's a thought from that though... now that so many are using the right name, you probably should just deal with it... because now that some people are using the right name it IS going to spread.

You're completely right. I'm not complaining about the name use at all. I'm glad for it. However its the fact that they KNOW that was my point. And truly it is a bit unnerving to hear the name called by someone who you're not expecting to hear it from.

I guess the closing thought/summary of what I'm saying here is that: People are going to be way the **** up in your bubble... cherish it when they're in there smiling at you, not spitting.

ahhhhhh my bubble. gah that major sucks. but you're right. theyre being kind as of now. i need to suck it up and deal with it.

Tell em you're a person, not a science project.

I do feel very much like a science project. being stared at. talked about. asking me questions..

I can understand your feelings of fear and humiliation. I bet a lot of people here can.

This stuff can start off as very personal. Of course, it varies for people, but to me, it was my matter. People could know about it when I said so, and when I told them myself. I'm not and have never been ashamed of who I am, but I was afraid and embarrassed of people I didn't know (but who would somehow already know about me) approach me.

I'm getting a bit freer with my identity, but I know I'll still have an issue if people I don't or barely know come up to me with knowledge of me being TG when I'm not ready for them. It makes me feel like I'm more a topic of gossip than empowerment.

ahh, Ze, you're currently my favorite person. when you came in here saying "Thomas, are you me?!" It sent me laughing. But now I really think its true xD you relate well to me and i like it!

but yes. yes. thats precisely how i feel

Anyway, your friend, as supportive as they are, may be taking the classic "proof that they're hip route." I could be dead wrong, but it's a trend that people, who accept TGs or think they're cool, will immediately spread around that they have such a friend in the hopes that their own public image looks cooler by association. Basically, spreading the news is more for their sake than yours. It's still unfortunate; they shouldn't be saying stuff when you're not ready. In the end, it's kind of like somebody trying to passively prove they're not racist by telling everybody that they have a black friend.

The same goes for people who barely know you already calling you "Thomas." Looking at it one way, it seems positive that people are accepting you as TG, but I daresay this is more for themselves than you. Just like somebody saying that they have a TG friend to improve their own self-image of acceptance, others may scramble to "appear" TG-friendly since it's becoming the cool thing to do in our generation. The end result is a huge breach of your privacy and a sudden lacking of your own autonomy in relation to your TG-ness and identity crisis.

I don't think thats entirely correct... perhaps partially. She's one of those people who are very sympathetic and go too far in trying to help, to make the issue their whole life and such. But she's also the type of person who LOVES the lgbt community and obsesses over anyone in it. so...

not sure. however. i did make a bit of a mistake by blowing up at her the other day. there were many things other than this that have bugged me and its been building up over some time... and Thomas went BOOM

All in all, hang in there. You're in a position right now that's really confusing: You think your trans and struggling with that, yet suddenly it's becoming a public matter. You feel weird and want to vent about people automatically calling you "Thomas," yet feel bad about "complaining" about people "accepting" you. Of course you want people to accept you! Just not this way. Am I somewhat right in saying this?

You at least have us here on this forum, so feel free to vent whenever you want.

yes yes! you mind reader you *shakes fist*

oh and. I've reached the 10 post limit. now what do i do? xD

i've never tried 988. tell me how it fits.


How about: "I feel like my mind is incongruent with my body..." or " Every step I take towards masculinity makes me happy"...or something of the like. I can't put words in your mouth. Sit down, think about it, write it down on an index card if you have to, and tell her.

I give you, Youth Pride: http://www.youthpride.org/home
found courtesy of google.

buahaha ty xD and yeah. my therapist has told me that if theres something hard to talk about i should write it and give it to her that way. thats what i plan to do for this. finding the words isnt easy though.

EDIT:

All in all, it's recognition without the respect. Thomas is already being cited as "the transperson" rather than a person that happens to be trans. His TG-ness is being recognized as the sole of his identity and existence. I am sure any of us with a life will agree that there's more to us than our TG-ness.

exactly!

I can't speak for Thomas at this point,

apparantly you can since you're like my mind-twin

but I personally would rather the realness of somebody insisting I'm female when I'm not, provided that's how they think. Why? I want to deal with their true emotions, their true feelings about me being trans. I can't stand forced acceptance; we'll never get anywhere that way. To disguise somebody's negative or blase feelings this way makes it a lot harder to detect the warning signs of hate later on down the line. And that can lead to some serious consequences, some far worse than simple resentment breeding. To do otherwise, to rather somebody's negative feelings be masked, is to be coddled in a world that doesn't exist.

yes.. and the sad part is theyre ACCEPTING me as a TRANSGENDER but not as a GUY. They call me Thomas. They act supportive. but they still see me as a girl. they still say "she" they still treat me like a girl. thats not... what i want at all.

((edited again because i put my "exactly" in the wrong place))

[Ze]

ahh, Ze, you're currently my favorite person. when you came in here saying "Thomas, are you me?!" It sent me laughing. But now I really think its true xD you relate well to me and i like it!

but yes. yes. thats precisely how i feel

:D Spooky, init it? Glad I could help, though. Edit: And glad I could put words in your mouth with my other post, too.

I don't think thats entirely correct... perhaps partially. She's one of those people who are very sympathetic and go too far in trying to help, to make the issue their whole life and such. But she's also the type of person who LOVES the lgbt community and obsesses over anyone in it. so...

I'll back off on that then. You certainly would know her better than me. But yes, the "obsession" is unfortunately a bit peculiar.

oh and. I've reached the 10 post limit. now what do i do? xD

Yeah, I was watching carefully for that. :P Go here and click on "Group Memberships." Then fill out whatever they ask you; I think you just need a reason. Submit it and I'll accept you into the sub-forum personally. Based on your thread here, I'm pretty sure you're worth your salt.

But, one little thing you kind of have to do first: make a thread in the "new members" section and formally introduce yourself. It's kind of a rule here and I'd rather not get the two of us in trouble just because you didn't do it. :D

[Thomas]

Yeah, I was watching carefully for that. :P Go here and click on "Group Memberships." Then fill out whatever they ask you; I think you just need a reason. Submit it and I'll accept you into the sub-forum personally. Based on your thread here, I'm pretty sure you're worth your salt.

But, one little thing you kind of have to do first: make a thread in the "new members" section and formally introduce yourself. It's kind of a rule here and I'd rather not get the two of us in trouble just because you didn't do it. :D

done and done :3