Straight guys and transsexual women...

[Melissa A.]

Yep, It's homophobia. For most guys, it's not just the idea that a transsexual "used to be male", but that anyone will even KNOW that they are dating someone that could even remotely label them as potentially, possibley, maybe, almost, could be, gay. Heck, most don't even know the difference between homophobia and transphobia, or that transsexuality really has nothing to do with actual sex. It's all the same thing to them, one big fagfest. To those not familar with anything about us, all the information they get is from the mass media. Not just the news but entertainment in the form of television and film, which typically portrays us as lovable but pathetic wretches(unpassable), decieving, seducing witches(passable), sex workers, or people who live on the fringes of society, in some alien, underground culture. We are he-shes, ********, its, things-The ease with which those words roll off of people's tongues, even many of those who ought to know and behave better, is a sign of, even with the tremendous strides in the last decade or so, of how far our culture still has to go.

As someone who is still pre-op, and certainly not 100% passable, the ethical challenge of to tell or not to tell, and when, isn't an issue for me. The men I date(not an every weekend occurance!!!) at least know and either don't care, or prefer a woman like myself. Of course, in my case, I do have to weed out the tranny chasers looking for "the best of both worlds" (ugh!). I do make it immediately clear that I am not a "chick with a d*ck", and if that is what they are looking for, to please move on. I long ago stopped asking men why they want to date me. We whine and complain about transphobia in our culture, but many of us are guilty of it. For me to ask myself why a nice, attractive man is with me when he could be with a GG, is transphobia, directed at myself.

My biggest problem is finding guys, period. Of course, it doesn't help that genius Melissa spends the majority of her out socializing time in a predominantly lesbian bar! (yeah, I know, not too bright, but it's where alot of my friends are, and I like it there!

I was talking to someone about love and romance recently, and she asked me if I prefer straight or gay guys. I just stared at her incredulously for a few seconds. This is someone who you would think would know better. But it just goes to show you that even in proggressive, open minded, accepting circles, and also very often even in the gay community, myths, misunderstandings and distortions about us are often the norm. So anyway, I didnt say a word to her for many seconds. Finally, she goes, "What??" I waited even a few more seconds and said, "Sweetie, think about who I am, and what you just said. What in the world would I do with a gay man?" She stared at me blankly for a second until the light bulb finally went on. This is what we deal with, even from our allies. Oh well.

Hugs,

Melissa

P.S.- Way back in my male days, I used to think the line-"all the great guys are either married or gay"-was just one of those things people say. Omg, It's not.