If the wife is fine with it, who cares what she is? But THIS particular wife is turned off by it. But according to you, she, not the CDer, has to adjust and change.
As far as your talk about definitions: Hey, why should CDers not be the one to broaden their definition of femininity and just wear jeans, a t-shirt, and old sneakers, as many females do? This would be a good compromise that would doubtless make the SO much happier?
Of course, that's not what most CDers want. They want to be FEMININE, to wear fancy dresses. And similarly, the wives who don't accept CDing want a MASCULINE husband. If the husband had been honest from the start, if he had told her about how his femme identity and all, both parties could have gone their separate ways and pursued other partners who would have made them happier. But the CDer wasn't willing to do that. How is the resulting problem now his wife's fault?