She might know now.

[RhondaLynn]

I've never understood why we've ever thought we could, or how we have, kept this part of us a secret from our partners or the ones we live with. It seems that by keeping our activities secret places limits on our abilities to fully experience it, thus lengthening the time required for us to fully understand it and become comfortable with ourselves.

My SO discovered my things about 2 years after we moved in together - i'd given all my things to my brother to hold for me when i moved in with her. He called a couple years later & said to come get my things - he needed the space back. So i brought them home, packing them in the back of a hall closet. It only took her a couple months to discover them, but then again, i wasn't really trying to hide them that hard.

Her reactions have been varied over the years, from anger and confusion, to disgust, to distancing herself from my activities, to indifference, to a general acceptance. For several years, she didn't want to see me wearing a skirt & hose, or whatever - i could do as a pleased, but only in my room. That got old. Over serveral years, several arguments, and her slowly getting used to me in various attire, she's now ok with it, unless i want to exit the house as such.

Having her tolerance of my activities has lead to my gaining a greater understanding & acceptance of myself. What was once a 'bedroom fetish' of sorts, has become just the opposite - i wear what i feel comfortable in, when i feel like it, where i feel like it, for as long as i feel like it. The fetishism aspect of it is gone, since i'm no longer banned behind a closed door. I can go for days dressed as i wish, merely enjoying the comfort & state of mind of the experience. It's been a growing experience for both of us.

She shocked me Friday night. I was on the couch with my laptop working, she was getting ready for work, came over & sat down beside me, picked up her laptop to check her email or something. After awhile, she sat her laptop down & began to get up, but paused. I heard her say something, about "a woman.." (i was involved in my work, only barely acknowledging her presence in my peripheral vision). I looked over & said "Uh, did you say something?" She said "You look like a woman. You really do. Sitting there, wearing a skirt & hose, heels, a blouse with breasts and all. There's a woman sitting next to me on the couch, except she has your head". I said 'Uh, yeah, i think that's kind of the point of it all. Would you like me to go upstairs to work?" She said "No, you're ok like you are - I've just never noticed you quite like that before." Wow - what a strong but casual statement.

So, i guess that we've reached a mutual understanding of my gender duality. But looking back over the years that were wasted in secrecy & hiding, and in being limited to one room to explore my interests, those were years of wasted time that we could've used more productively in building our relationship.

[KristinSkye]

Thanks for all the words. I have to tell her regardless if she found my things. I can't say when that will be but I want it to be soon. I didn't feel that way a few months before. It's something I have to live with. I will let you know when it happens.

I think that's a good attitude to have. Try and use this feeling you have that she already found out and how you feel differently now as motivation to truly come out to her. If you do decide to go for it like you mentioned be totally prepared to answer any questions she has.


Anyway good luck Spacey, I hope things work out for you

[carolinoakland]

I think the weight of the secret is begining to wear on you both... be respectful and don't rush. Carol

[KimberlyJo]

I will say after I spilled the beans about my lifestyle , I felt a ton of bricks come off my shoulders. Most of the time it's not a deal breaker and from what I have read in here what ends the relationship is what you do afterwards. Going to fast going to far , no set boundries and selfisness along with lying.

One thing I think that a lot of us fail to recognize is that the ton of bricks going off your shoulders are not being set down, they're being handed over to your SO. But it's a load that gets much lighter when you have a supportive partner who's willing to shoulder some of the load.

Thanks for all the words. I have to tell her regardless if she found my things. I can't say when that will be but I want it to be soon. I didn't feel that way a few months before. It's something I have to live with. I will let you know when it happens.

I think you're making the right decision here

I looked over & said "Uh, did you say something?" She said "You look like a woman. You really do. Sitting there, wearing a skirt & hose, heels, a blouse with breasts and all. There's a woman sitting next to me on the couch, except she has your head".

I don't know exactly why but this struck me really funny.

Spacey, I feel for you I really do. If it was me in your situation, I would tell her. I would sit her down and use all the tools I've seen discussed here on all the various threads that broach the subject and just get it out there. You cannot hide it forever, and every day, week, month and year that goes by that you don't tell her will only compound the problem. If she finds out about it before you come clean, the betrayal she may feel will only be that much stronger.

This reminds me of a similar thread in recently where the CD thought the same thing. Well it turned out that the wife did not discover the stash, but she did uncover his internet history and found out about it that way. The confrontation was not pretty. You've probably read the thread I'm talking about.

The point is, at some time or another, everyone slips up and gets busted. Everything I've heard says that it's better if you tell them rather than finding out on their own. And honestly, in this, you'll need every scrap of advantage you can get. You will never know how your wife will react until you tell her.

I believe there is a sticky that offers advice on how to tell your SO. Check it out, it may help. I truly hope that the love between you and your wife is strong enough to withstand this difficult situation.

If you ever want to talk about anything at all, you know where you can find me.

[erika130]

Just wanted to say best of luck !!
I'm nowhere near the same situation, and there's already great advise here of course

[MJ]

i wish you all the best sis you have my number

[Spacey]

UPDATE: Still don't know if she found my things but last night I finally told her about my cross dressing. I let her know that I have been doing this long before her and since I was very young. She was worried that I was I was gay and I reassured her that I was not and that I still very much in love with her. She said it is a lot to digest which it is. It was late and we needed to sleep. We held each other and I let her know I'm still the same person but I need to stop hiding this from her. This morning seemed ok but I'm sure this will take a lot of time and communication. Yes I do feel like it is off my shoulders but it doesn't sit well with me that it is now on hers. This is only day one.

[Tomara]

Hi Spacey
Congratulations
Just keep answering her questions honestly and to the best of your ability , make sure you reassure her that you love her and that you are there for her and take your time.
Good luck to you both!
Tomara

[Spacey]

Thanks Tomara. I plan too.

[Mary Morgan]

You've received a lot of good advice so I'll just remind you to take it slow and easy. She will need time, she will vacilate between emotions, and she will adjust to this in large part based on how you behave from this point forward. Inspite of what either of you think, it will feel as though there is another person in the room for awhile.

[Angel.Marie76]

Hey Spacey, Good for you having the courage to tell your SO about your dressing.. is a HUGE, and important step. Best wishes for the journey ahead...

[dorylinn]

I'll just remind you to take it slow and easy.

This is the mistake I think I made. After the conversation with my Wife, the pink fog came in strong and I think it overwhelmed Her. We had a wonderful month of whirlwind trips to the thrift stores, and tho my new wardrobe and closet space is great, She may not be as accepting as I first thought.

I have since backed off a little.

Baby steps would have been a better strategy.

[Midnight Skye]

I'm glad you told her Spacey, take it slow and communicate with her on all levels of life (just because you brought this out don't make it the only thing you talk about). And keep being yourself, the person she loves and married. By the sounds of it the roof didn't fall out which is always a great sign.

[Spacey]

I'm glad you told her Spacey, take it slow and communicate with her on all levels of life (just because you brought this out don't make it the only thing you talk about). And keep being yourself, the person she loves and married. By the sounds of it the roof didn't fall out which is always a great sign.

That what I'm trying to do. Just be the same person I have always been to her.

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I know this is just a beginning of communication. I will let her guide the pace on this.

[ReineD]

This morning seemed ok but I'm sure this will take a lot of time and communication. Yes I do feel like it is off my shoulders but it doesn't sit well with me that it is now on hers. This is only day one.

Congratulations, Spacey! You did the right thing.

You might want to tell your wife about the FAB section of this forum. She will need to talk to others about this too.

[Shananigans]

You did the right thing by telling her. I'm really glad that you didn't choose to tell her by approachig her en femme. That would have just shocked the hell out of me if that was the way that I was told. She Does have a lot to digest because she may be thinking, "Well, if he has hid this for so long, what else is he hiding? Does he want to be with a man? Will he leave me for a man? Will he get SRS?" It's good she's doing that thinking now though. I was on the acceptance train for a while and then I took a pit stop because I hadn't really thought of those questions at the time that my SO told me he was a CDer. But, I eventually got back on the acceptance train in time. It sounds like she will come around because of the way she handled it with you guys holding each other at the end of the night. I think that talking to other SOs might help her out, because you have essentially brought her into your closet. She doesn't have really anyone to talk to about this besides you, and she might be afraid to tell You what she is thinking because she is afraid it will hurt her feelings. Also, the book My Husband Betty is phenomenal and helped me immensely. I highly recommend it to SOs and CDers.

[t-girlxsophie]

As the other Ladies have said take things slowly,be prepared for a lot of questions,and a whole range of emotions.I do hope everything goes well for you both,and you become stronger together

[Spacey]

Congratulations, Spacey! You did the right thing.

You might want to tell your wife about the FAB section of this forum. She will need to talk to others about this too.

In time I would like to do this. For now I don't want to overload her. I sent her the "Helping Wives" link found in the "How to tell your partner" thread. I think it can be a good ice breaker to further communication. I asked her to read it when she is ready. At this moment things are ok. I'm waiting patiently until she is ready to talk more.