Telling the SO, Bad Reaction, Giving up CD'ing

[Miss Misery]

It might be an assumption but it is a highly logical one. There would be few other ranges of emotions for her to feel if the OP's description of her reaction is true. And being its an extremely common reaction expressed on here by many GGs its not to much of an assumption.

I'm not trying to downplay the significance of having GG's comment here at all BUT, and I guess I'm making some assumptions here as well, most of them are making a go of it with their CDer. It seems less likely that many GG's that totally reject a CDer would be commenting on here. Maybe a couple but it seems like it could be a biased sampling (not intentionally biased). Perhaps those GG's can't stand the idea of a man inwomen's clothing. Heck, Giorgi's spouse threw up! That doesn't sound like a physical reaction to a liar but what she probably perceives as a disgusting perversion.

I meant that Giorgi needs to give his wife more time than simply a month to come to grips with things

.

I agree.

I believe that's a bigger assumption than I was making!

See above comment on vomit! Indicates to me more than a problem w/ deceit.

Does that play a factor that he's a CDer? Of course. But is the lies and deceit a "red herring"? You'll be hard pressed to find a GG on this site who has gone through something similar who would agree with that. Many GGs on here express how they might have had a much easier time accepting the CDing had they not felt they had been lied to for so long.

So they can't even admit that it would be easier if there was no lying? That's one reason I think it's bigger than deceit alone (I know you did admit that).

Actually, I think it would elicit the same response, but here's why... claiming your working late but really going to a pub can easily be interpreted as you going there to meet up with someone for extra marital activities and CDing often implies that to a GG who doesn't know anything about CDing. Its an assumption on many GGs' part that CDing is primarily sexual.

I'm confused here. If you didn't tell your wife that you were going to watch MNF at a pub why, when you did tell her (she didn't find out) would she assume you were having an affair? Now on the CD side, I can completely understand the confusion/assumption to someone who doesn't know.

I think its incorrect to assume it would be only CDing that would elicit the reaction. It could be anything that makes a partner feel that there is something sexual going on or an implication that the marriage isn't "enough".

Like even self-gratification? (oops I guess CD is that initself) - I meant, more explicitly masturbation.

Actually, stripping can be done in private as well but that's neither here or there. And I've tried the men's clothing argument and all I ever get met with is the "I'd love it if my wife did that! I'd get to be the woman!" So I don't bother with that one anymore. I don't think comparing it to a stripper is dramatic either being most of the strippers I know don't go home with any of the customers, aren't into men most of the time and are doing it to feel attractive and/or make money.

The men's clothing argument does fit though because it demonstrates that the societal taboo against CDing only works in one direction AND that makes an SO uncomfortable/sick whatever in response to the behavior. That doesn't happen (or rarely would) in the case of a woman wearing mens clothes in secret because the taboo isn't there so we're not so shocked. Stripping could go either way as well - what if he was a stripper or drag performer or whatever? Not the same as a CD.

And even being here on forums is sharing CDing with people outside the marriage. Being its not uncommon for many CDers now a days to be on forums like this, its not a stretch of the imagination to make such a statement. Especially since the OP stated he was giving it up to his wife and yet is on here sharing the experience (this is in no way saying he shouldn't, just making an example).

So, where does one go with this issue for moral support? Not to his SO - she's not ready to talk about it. Isolation is a good way to end up with a suicide. I think sharing/asking on here IS therapeutic (or can be). If posting on here is considered some sort of deviant behavior then I think I need to get off. Also, look at how many people (members and guests) are on here - incredible. This no porn site/peep show. People are trying to get stuff figured out. I'm sure Giorgi needed to "vent" or open up to someone. Why not here - I thought this was THE SAFE PLACE.

Don't get worn out! These debates are great for other's to learn from! :D I think its thought provoking answers that make the best threads. But I digress a bit...

I agree that these discussions/debates are good and thank you for being so candid. Make sure to know that I am not berating your arguments - just challenging them with my "correct" ones I'm worn out cause I type with sausage fingers and a meatloaf brain!


In posting on this thread (and listening) I think I've grown some in my understanding. Thanks demonicdaughter.