Out at a Gay Bar? Not me!

[Ria]

Hi Rhonda,
This is great info... I'll give you a report on my gay bar experience if I have the guts to go through with it.

[elle]

i can understand how some of us might feel safer at a gay bar.

[TiffanyTgirl]

Everyone has their reasons for going where they go. If people are happy gong to a gay bar, they may feel they are less noticable and blend better. Hence more acceptance. We all look for places to be comfortable. Some are the mall, some gay bars, some the closet. Wherever, just enjoy!

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm not saying there's a right place and a wrong place, and I get the "acceptance of alternative lifestyles" thing. It just strikes me that the first place that many go out is to a gay bar, then there's me who's been doing this for a long time, and I don't have the nerve. Most of it is that it's unfamiliar. There have been times that I wanted to go a drag show or a pageant, even starting to walk up to the door, and I just chickend out. Then you have others that go to exactly those events as a very first outing. Even that I can understand better than someone who just walks in unescorted on an ordinary night. Some that do that would be afraid to do what I do, which I see as completely benign.

I don't remember ever getting dressed up just to stay home, yet I completely understand that concept. If I'm getting dressed, I'm going somewhere, even if it's just to Walmart. I see the things I do and the places I go as totally non-threatening. I'm not at all bold or brave. I just don't even know how it'd be possible to have a really bad experience getting your hair done, or your nails, or shopping for clothes. I don't understand the fear of shopping for bras or panties, or going through the checkout with them. I do that with no more thought and anxiety than shopping for grocery's. Undoubtedly some who go to a bar as their first outing ordered their panties online. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. It's equally possible that there's something wrong with what I do. It's just a striking difference, to me anyway. I admit it, I'm a chicken! The most fearful thing at a hair salon is that they'll cut to much or screw up the color. At a bar, well... not sure I have a top that'll cover up that yellow stripe down my back!

[dilane]

There have been times that I wanted to go a drag show or a pageant, even starting to walk up to the door, and I just chickend out ..... At a bar, well... not sure I have a top that'll cover up that yellow stripe down my back!

Rhonda, girl up! You are so lucky to have a femme facial structure, long hair, and decent height. You've got it, now you just need to own it. Ok, I'm being a bit flip, but it does get easier every time. There's always a little trepidation going to a new place, but there's an exhilaration that comes from conquering fear.

[EllieOPKS]

I just always assumed that everybody that CD's would gravitate to gay bars. Simply from a comfort level of being accepted. I only go to bars on occasions such as watching a football game. When I am out of town, if I go to a bar it is usually the most convenient place to get to that gets my money. Something about hotel bars never appealed to me.

[PrettyFlowingGown]

I go to a gay bar once a month cause its a safe and secure inviroment. i can kick up my heels, dance, meet other tv's/cd's/GG's, etc. I get a occasional man come up to me and make a sexual advance now and again, but it does'nt bother me. i just like to go out as a lady.....

[juno]

Why does it bother some CDs that a man or lesbian might find them attractive when dressed? Isn't that a good thing, even if you are not interested? I would take it as a compliment. As for a gay bar being a good place to go, it probably depends a lot on which bar it is. I would be perfectly willing to go to a gay bar in drab, and not be bothered by the possibility of gay men finding me attractive.

[LynnInDenver]

I only go occasionally to see drag shows... I have many more fun places I can go anyway that don't involve hanging around people looking to slug back expensive alcohol all night.

[Genivieve]

I witnessed an awful incident at a gay bar. I met someone who I thought was a girl and it turned out to be a transsexual.
She so pretty and convinvincing...her mannerisms, voice, causal dress everything was so spot on female.
She did not hide the fact at all that she was actually male though. Throughout the night the other people in the bar constantly harassed her and did not make her feel welcome. I found this to be strange since this place was generally friendly and frequently featured drag performers.

[NathalieX66]

I witnessed an awful incident at a gay bar. I met someone who I thought was a girl and it turned out to be a transsexual.
She so pretty and convinvincing...her mannerisms, voice, causal dress everything was so spot on female.
She did not hide the fact at all that she was actually male though. Throughout the night the other people in the bar constantly harassed her and did not make her feel welcome. I found this to be strange since this place was generally friendly and frequently featured drag performers.

Must've been the alcohol talking.

[msginaadoll]

I have gone to three different Gay/Lesbian bars. My usual hangout is the Rainbow Room in Detroit. It plain and simple is just a casual place where I can hang out and be accepted. Gay/Lesbian/Straight- everyone is treated with respect. Ive met some wonderful folks there and its a safe environment, where Im not judged. Gigis is similar, its a great bplace to hang with other Cds. The only time I went to Menjos- I was also welcomed warmly. Occasionally I am hit on yes, but I can deal with that so not a problem. And being hit on is sure better than being hit at.
I do also get out with the general public to restaurants, mal museum, bookstores, etc. I have not been to a bar yet that was considered mainstream except in Ferndale, which is a more friendly place to alternative lifestyles.

[legz31]

I guess I did not realize gay bars were sooo scary dungeons.

INMHO there are shady places and there are nice places. This is true for stores, alleys, restaurants, and yes bars. I have never been to a gay bar, but I know some gay PEOPLE, and I cannot imagine a gay bar is any more dangeorous for a CD than any other place. In fact it if has a bouncer at the door and nice open minded bar staff, I bet you a gay bar is a lot safer than the grocery store parking lot.

[Jay Cee]

I was actually going to go to one tonight, figuring it was a reasonably safe bet. And the local gay bar is the place where they have our CD meetings. I'm hoping they don't have porn of any kind playing there.

[NathalieX66]

My crew of girls was at a lgbt establishment this evening for a halloween bash.
I Got along great with the guys, but they really didn't bother me much.
I think gay guys are focused on guys, not men trying to pass as women. The trans group didn't seem too connected with the guy/guy action on the dancefloor......seemed like two different and separate worlds. That's my observation for this particular evening.

[Christy_M]

I had my first experience out dressed at a LBGT bar in the Northwest. It was awesome. The people were great. The guys didn't give me a seond look. I had a lot of Lesbian woman talking to me. I danced with a couple of them. everyone else was doing their own thing. The group of ladies I was with were fantastic and very welcoming. It was one fo the best experiences I have had and certainly the best experience I have had en femme. I highly recommend it for anyone who is scared of where to go when you are out. If you can't wander the malls or other mainstream establishments due to fear, the gay bar is the place to go to spread your wings.

[Cindia]

Others have said it, most gay men are attracted to men that look like men, not men that look like women. I'd rather go to a gay bar when dressed, not because I will or won't get hit on, but because I feel I wont get harassed. I do go to those that I know have had drag shows or gurls nights or what ever though.

[Byanca]

If you are into women, it makes sense to go to the gay bar, personally I'm sort of meh to lesbian sex. Most guys won't hit on you. So it's relaxing, if only looking to go out. I was there on Friday. And a pretty woman(around 25) chatted me up and gave me her phonenumber and asked me to keep in touch. Repeatedly actually. I have not decided what to do. But I am tempted.

[dayna_nj]

I dont go to many gay bars, but ive been to some. Im always aware of how "normal" people look at what I do, so you wont find me at a regular restaurant or wherever "normal" people go. I know almost all of them look at me like im an idiot, and im very self conscious about that. Im not comfortable with how people view me as a CD, I dont know why I care but I do.

At a gay bar, people just look at you like you're normal to them, not like someone who is a freak. So I just feel like I fit in more there, even though I still dont go to them often. I pretty much just dress to meet men, if Im not meeting someone I dont have a huge desire to do it.

[flatlander_48]

If you are into women, it makes sense to go to the gay bar, personally I'm sort of meh to lesbian sex. Most guys won't hit on you. So it's relaxing, if only looking to go out. I was there on Friday. And a pretty woman(around 25) chatted me up and gave me her phonenumber and asked me to keep in touch. Repeatedly actually. I have not decided what to do. But I am tempted.

I'm curious. Assuming your life situation would allow it, what is keeping you from responding to this potential relationship/friendship?

[Sherry Ann Evans]

I was never a bar person either, and only started when I began dressing. At the time, I had no conscious interest in men, but I chose gay/lesbian bars and still do. Why? Because I am confident I won't be unwelcome or hassled there. That has proven to be true -- I've never had an unpleasant encounter in a gay bar. The fears expressed in this and other threads are largely baseless, and I'll tell you why:

• The majority of gays and lesbians are not interested in you as a prospective sexual partner -- or even as a close friend -- given your gender preference and expression.
• That said, no one is going to be hostile toward you, and some will be friendly, even reaching out to get acquainted.
• In the event you do get hit on, so what? Take it as a compliment, flattery even, and communicate that when you inform your admirer, tactfully, that you're not interested. If he persists, restating your disinterest, a little more firmly this time, will end the matter. Handled right, it's no big deal. I've even gone on to become friends with thwarted suitors.
• Here's a tip: Don't assume you won't like dancing, even if you're not a dancer. You'll probably love it if you'll just relax and go with it.

I think it would be fun to go to a straight club sometime, but I'm too chicken to go by myself. Why? Because, right or wrong, I'm not sure people there would be as benign.

Having said all that, bars do get boring after awhile, especially if you don't make some new friends, and even if you do. I luv to go so I can dance with my friends, but sometimes we go hang out at their home, have parties, etc., so that's fun, and it would have never happened had I been afraid to go to a gay bar.

I agree with you 100%.

In my opinion, some of the CDs who try to justify avoiding gay bars -- when in fact gay bars are GREAT places for us to go, have fun, and feel safe -- are really just trying to mask their homophobia (or their deep-down homosexuality.) That's not an insult, because there is nothing wrong with being bi or gay. Although I think it's pretty funny, or pitiful depending on how you look at it, to see a grown man dressed fully in femme while denouncing "those" people .... some CDs need to man up to the fact that truly straight men don't wear panties and nail polish. But even * if * some CDs really are straight, who are THEY to discriminate against gays? It baffles the mind .... at least of we who use our minds.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm not discriminating at all! I know full well I live in a glass house. It's just unfamiliar territory. My gf has several gay friends, and I suspect I'll have opportunities to find out what gay bars are like.

It probably bears mentioning that any time my sexuality has ever come come up with someone who knows me enfemme, they are very surprised to find out I'm not gay. Based on my experience, I'd say that nearly 100% of people outside the community think crossdressers are gay. I guess I've been thought to be gay often enough that I'm rather comfortable with it. It doesn't matter. It would be ridiculous to be homophobic when so often I'm thought to be gay.

[Sherry Ann Evans]

I'm not discriminating at all! I know full well I live in a glass house. It's just unfamiliar territory.

Well, saying "it's just unfamiliar" is a whole lot less vociferous than your original statement.

I've been to only one gay bar

But you're judging all of them. And yet you object to people who judge all CDs.

if I'd been alone sitting at the bar I think I would have looked like I wanted to be picked up.

It's that kind of statement that hints at homophobia to me. Presumably when you and I and all CDs -- or for that matter, all PEOPLE -- go out for the night, we want to look our best or at least presentable, right? So why should we be so worried about looking like we want to be picked up? If you think you're dressed that provacatively, then perhaps the problem isn't the other clientele.

for a male dressed as a female (that's already upped the sexual ante) to go into a gay bar alone is multiplying that appearance.

Maybe I'm being dense, but I just don't see the problem. You're insisting that you'll never go to the very place where you'll be most accepted, all because (in your mind) someone might like you. However if a guy flirts with you at a straight bar, and then realizes you're not entirely a woman, your problem could be much worse, from being outed, to being humiliated, to even violence in some cases.

Anyway -- we should all go wherever we're most comfortable. I just strongly object to anyone in a crossdressers community making such an anti-gay post. Like it or not, we're a sexual minority, and we all need to stick together.

[Christy_M]

It probably bears mentioning that any time my sexuality has ever come come up with someone who knows me enfemme, they are very surprised to find out I'm not gay. Based on my experience, I'd say that nearly 100% of people outside the community think crossdressers are gay. It would be ridiculous to be homophobic when so often I'm thought to be gay.

I'm not sure about the 100% statistic but there was a lesbian at the bar Friday night that asked me who I would want to go home with from the bar (kinda playing "if you could pick anyone here, who would it be" game) and when I spotted the hottest gg in the place she was surprised. I am guessing that she didn't feel that way about all of us that were there that night but there must have been something about my presentation that suggested I was looking for either a guy or another cd/tg person...go figure.

[Nicki S]

I went out to a gay bar last weekend and had a great time. The lady working the door, collecting a cover charge, greeted me as usual and told me to have a good time. While I was there a big guy, very gay, sat next to me and was talking up a storm. I was friendly, but made it known that I was NOT interested. Then a beautiful lesbian couple sat down on the other side of me. We struck up conservation which was quite nice. The big guy kept nosing in and bothering the three of us. The bouncer came over and asked if he was bothering me. I just mentioned that he doesn't keep quiet. He pulled him aside and I over heard the bouncer say to leave the "lady" alone. One more complaint and he was out! I later talked with another man who watched the whole scene and he mentioned that this big guy can be a real pain. So my point is that the management looks out for us ladies and enjoy the color of our money.