This is my first post here. I've cruised the forums for awhile, but this particular story made me want to join in.
I had a similar situation. I was crossdressing a lot when my now ex-wife and I first met. Suddenly, the desire went away. I was enthralled with her and lost the desire to altogether. When we decided to move in together, I purged all of my wigs, clothes, boots, shoes, etc... Several thousands of dollars of clothes just tossed out. I obviously regret it now. I'd love to have some of those outfits/shoes/boots back. I never told her about my CDing because I (just like many others have) felt like it was something I had outgrown and that my new found relationship was the answer to filling the void I had felt before. Crossdressing was just something I did to try to fill that void. Although, I would help her go shop and I spent a massive amount of money on lingerie , clothes, panties, bras, outfits, shoes, boots, etc. for her as I just loved the way they looked and loved the way they looked and felt on her body. Still, I wasn't dressing.
Her friends when we first met were all into the Rave/club scene and were big on "E" and the entire dance scene as was she. I myself, was take it or leave it with the entire idea, but I was friendly and fun and it was never a problem. Many of her friends had various "social stigmas" (for lack of a better word) attached to them... Gay, Bi, Swingers, Adulterers, Strippers, etc.. DISCLAIMER - I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THOSE THINGS. I'm merely making a point that a lot of society has not embraced most of those lifestyles and many think that some are taboo or reckless. Case-and-point... This is a forum for advice on Crossdressing. Argument made-point proven. Now, back to the story.
Although she wasn't really into any of those things/lifestyles, she never held any of it against those she was friends with and appreciated them for the person that they were and the way they treated her. Which is the way I've always been. She accepted them entirely and had a very laissez faire attitude in regards to everyone. We stopped doing those things for the most part after tying the knot. We had been married for about 2 years when we got invited out with her old crew. We went out to a party and rolled. We were back home, getting along, and laying in bed- all was good with the world and just like many times when on "E", you begin to talk and have extremely in-depth conversations about life. So, as our talks got more and more intimate, and I began to think about how accepting she was of everyone else and their lifestyles, I thought mentioning that I had crossdressed before would take us to a new level of honesty and trust and that I had completely overlooked all-along the fact that she was so accepting of everyone else that this wouldn't be a problem. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. I let it the cat out of the bag about my prior crossdressing. I hadn't even gone in depth regarding makeup, shaving legs, wigs, breast forms, how much money I had spent on my femme clothes, practicing femme walk, and the late night walks/drives for thrill. Immediately she had a repulsed look on her face and the entire mood of the room changed. a countless number of questions followed... How long? Are you still doing it? What types of clothes? Did you talk like a girl? Who else knows? and of course, ... Are you gay? Which was followed by Have you ever been with a man? Are you lying to me? Have you ever kissed another man? etc...
Immediately, my manhood and character where tried and convicted without any chance to give an explanation. The woman who accepted ALL of her friends and their lifestyles, was suddenly the most obtuse and critical person I had ever encountered. It was awkward for a few days and we just sort of never talked about it or brought it up, but her view of me had changed. Our sex life started to suffer. It was then that I started dressing again using her clothes. I would steal a panty here, a panty there, etc.. and my stress and anxiety started to diminish. Eventually, I sat down and tried to explain why I dressed and how much I loved the feel of satin, vinyl, leather, etc.. Hence my name Shiny-J. So, she begrudgingly accepted it and as I spent hours reiterating my love for her, she came around.. kind of.... She said that I could wear panties and said she would take me shopping to find them. Well, I picked out the ones with bows and bikini/thong style, etc.. She said they were too femme and she chose some that were just a blah brief but at least they still the satin/nylon/lycra feel.
I would still take her shopping for lingerie and she would see some that were really ****ty and shiny and say "I'll bet you love these right?" and she would roll her eyes and smile with an annoyed, but endearing expression and toss them in the basket. When she wasn't looking, I would throw some in there too that I wanted and then carry the basket around the store. When it was time to pay, I would tell her I was thirsty and ask her to run to the mall food court and grab me a soda. Then, I could get my things along with hers without her knowing. I stashed them and kept it well-hidden from her. Although things were going better, they still weren't quite right. And I always felt like something was a little off. As time went on, it did gradually get better but whenever we had a normal married couple argument, the CDing always came up if it got too heated.
Also, when we did make love, I always wanted to wear the panties which bothered her immensely. I just loved the feel of them against my skin. The sex was the same as always, it was just panties I wanted to throw in. I tried to back of off it, but I noticed that sexually, she became more and more distant and reserved and just not that into it. Fights were getting more and more frequent and the fire started to fade. When we did have sex, it was usually drunken makeup sex after a fight. In fact, the only time I've ever CD in front of anyone was during one of those drunken sexcapades. I stumbled into the other room where she kept her clothes and put on a vinyl teddy, thigh highs, opera gloves, a red vinyl thong, and red thigh high boots and walked into the room and we had some of the wildest, longest sex ever. She was ecstatic and so was I. When we were done, she told me she loved it and rubbed her hands all over the me in the clothes and we drifted off to sleep very much in love. Well, passed out is more like it. When she woke up the next morning and saw me laying next to her in the outfit, she flipped out. So, there's my lone experience of being dressed around someone. Sorry to ramble, but I needed to get it off my chest... I apologize.
Now, to the point. We separated and eventually got the divorce. Within a few months of living on my own, I was in need of a new closet for my femme wardrobe. Now, I CD and it feels good, but it's just to fill up that void again. We get along and try to stay friends, but anytime there is an argument, she threatens to tell about my CDing. Luckily, we didn't have children, but in the beginning I did get the threats of her telling friends and family and telling coworkers. It was blackmail. Same as you. She actually tried to say it to some friends early on in the split, but I blew it off and just said she was nuts. If nobody has any proof, then it just looks like she's crazy making accusations against you to try to gain leverage in a battle for mutual friends. She comes off looking like the one with a "problem".
Personally, she's in the wrong. Since I was a small child, I was taught to appreciate people for what they were on the inside and not the outside. I was taught as a small child to not make fun of others because their clothes were different or not made by an expensive designer. As a ****ing child I was taught this! What's more superficial than clothes? I can't count how many times I heard women in person, on TV, in books, movies, magazine articles, etc. complain that "their man doesn't look at them the same way because they got older, gained some weight, got a few gray hairs, etc. and "Why can't he love me for who I am on the inside?" After my situation and hearing yours and many others like it, I would love to see the reactions of every woman that has ever asked those questions if they saw their hubby/boyfriend walk out in full drag and say that they were a crossdresser. My guess is that at LEAST 90% would get the same reaction the OP and myself had.
I hope you find peace and that both of you find your way back to each other. I hope that if it doesn't work out, that you view it as her that caused it all to end. That may sound like some odd advice, but I just look at it in terms of my own situation. My marriage was happy and good and I tried to open up and just tell her about something I had DONE. I wasn't dressing at the time... I just told her I had done it before and it was essentially a dealbreaker for her. It just took a few years for it to break all the way. If she would've been more understanding, she could've had her dream marriage.
Crossdressing is completely superficial and innocuous. at least in my case. I never did anything that deserved her level of disgust and I don't think that you did either.
Originally Posted by JulieC
What I'm about to say may seem harsh, but as an outsider, it is objective. I do want to tell you that I have been fully supportive of my SO in and out of the bedroom since the beginning and we go out everywhere together when she's herself. But, she was honest with me from the very start, so I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open.
