I see you are six foot six, 240. Almost exactly my size, so I can empathize with you not feeling passable in public. It is extra humiliating for you being so tall. It would be for me, but i have gone out several times a year. again, I hope the conflict can be resolved one way or another, in peace.
Reine, it's not difficult to understand why you don't think fetish dressing is harmless when you equate it with cheating on a spouse. I don't think it is, and neither does my wife, who knows about my dressing activities but chooses not to participate but allows me my privacy. That may not work for you, but it works for us.
Sure, Samantha's wife wanted to know the truth but lied to get it. Sam chose to come clean instead of lie. That was met with hostility and threats instead of any desire to repair a badly damaged marriage due to his deceit. Samantha is not blowing off as no big deal her reaction, but only the act of wearing silky things because she likes it. In the OP, Samantha never mentions that the wife went ballistic because of the lie, but only because of the crossdressing. Yet many of you insist that the deceit is the major issue, without any evidence.
Samantha continues to get thrown under the bus.
I think that's drawing a distinction that's a little too unrealistic. Almost all men have "private time" and Internet time, even happily married men. That's just the way of the world. The difference is that ostensibly the porn men watch is on some level similar to the relations they are having with their wives--sure the wives probably don't have the bodies of the women in porn and things are racier, but on a general level it's the same sort of thing. An SO hearing about it for the first time is going to assume it's a fetish. So rather than comparing it to gambling, compare it to a fetish like spanking or something like that. A wife is going to feel like it is retroactively making the history of vanilla marital relations a lie.Originally Posted by ReineD
Of course in addition there are plenty of women who think crossdressing is a sin or a mental illness or whatever, and that's at the very least misinformed. But even someone as accepting as I am would feel it a blow below the belt to find out after years of marriage.
There is another lesson to be learned from this story, and that is how to use the "incognito window" function of Google Chrome. Press Ctrl-Shift-N to get a new window that won't save any of your search terms or browsing history onto your computer. In Internet Explorer, it's Ctrl-Shift-P. Just make sure to close these windows when you get up from the computer!
Honesty is certainly preferable when it comes to wives and girlfriends, but I'm sure most if not all of us share computers with relatives or friends or co-workers that we'd rather not expose this stuff to. Actually, scratch co-workers. They usually manage your browsing history at work through their servers anyway, so these tools won't help you much there. It's kind of sad, but I've become very good at being dishonest and hiding things from people I'm close to, thanks to crossdressing in some form or another since early grade school and having a super-religious mom. I was never caught though, so all that practice paid off.
OP, I was going to reply personally, but for some reason cannot send you any message. So.....
What upsets the vast majority of women most, is the destruction of the image she had of you as her 'masculine' husband. We fall in love with the image we create of our mate, based on what we know of them. That image has now been destroyed, and replaced by a feminine guy. Most women have absolutely no sexual attraction to that, in fact most are a bit repulsed at the idea of a guy acting like a female in any way. She has also lost any image of you as her reliable, stable mate, or even the strong guy she could count on no matter what, because to her, you've been deceiving her for a long time so everything you now say will be suspect as a possible lie. Feminine men are also considered potential liabilities should she need protection in any way, and you're also saddled with that problem because even if you're a professional wrestler, she's gonna think that there's now always the possibility you could 'wimp out' and be more sissy than guy when the chips are down.
I went through all that, did everything I could to convince my ex that I was still the same guy she married. Nothing worked. I don't know how to fix it. All I can say, is, Good luck.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
So I know I will probably catch the wrath of the forum for my comments I am about to make. They are not intended as antagonistic but more so just a different view and discussion points.
Samantha, question for you. If you had told your wife about your hobby on your wedding night, do you think she would have bolted out the door or stayed with you?
Has she stated what the "wrong" thing is with what you have done (and might I add to this point in total privacy)?
If she had never found out about your hobby, do you think your marriage would happily last for decades to come?
It appears to me, that your initial instincts to make CDing a private thing was the right thing. Maybe not right for everyone, but for you and a lot of others.
I have stated before on this forum and I will say it again, even though the masses disagree - I believe a relationship is more healthy if both parties maintain a private life, as well as a shared one. Why not keep things that are not outside of your marital commitments but just the same, something you would prefer to kept to yourself.
Samantha, final questions - If you had it all to do over again, knowing what you know now - would you still have CD'd over the years? Would you have ever told your wife of your hobby had she not found your computer on?
I hope you both find happiness and peace, I am not judgemental of you or your wife but I am rooting from the sidelines that you find happiness and peace together.
Ellie
I can't stay out of this thread. lol
I agree with what you're saying, and if CDers could turn it on and off at will, like a guy who's not addicted to porn but who enjoys the occasional foray, there wouldn't be a problem. But judging from the posts I read here, endulging in a feminine expression is akin to having an obsession for many CDers, even more so when it is hidden. There's no telling whether Samantha has minimized her desires described in her OP though. But I did say what I said based on reading descriptions of the oft discussed "pink fog", the sheer high that CDers experience when they can express themselves where everything else in their lives pales by comparison.
Maybe members here exaggerate how they feel when dressed and how much they look forward to private time, I don't know.
I have personal experience with keeping secrets and with wanting to be elsewhere than the now. It does prevent partners from being fully present in relationships. And it does erode trust, especially if the other partner has no understanding of what is going on.
Reine
I was so ready to answer this but now I am dumbfounded. The wedding night is really well beyond the telling your spouse stage. This is something that no matter what you think is important for your future partner to know. It isn't something where you roll over, smile and say "gee that was fun and now that we are committed forever, let me tell you a few secrets." Is this so hard to grasp for some here? This is a commitment you all say that, it isn't just a let's see how it goes for a few weeks and then make a decision. Let's try something here. You get married you have visions of 2.3 kids, white picket fence, vacations in Disneyworld and on your wedding night your wife says she cannot have children and does not even like children, hates New England cottages or anything that has to do with picket fences and is afraid of Goofy. Yes I know that is over simplistic. What if she fails to disclose a marriage she is in? Her religious tenets that preclude you from doing certain things together. There are a myriad of possibilities. Yes you can say we will get counseling but that may never change her mind on any of it (just like you can never "cure" being transgendered). You make it worse by hiding all this for years. Years you cannot get back. Years that you could have had those children or house or visited the Magic Castle. Your whole concept seems to be reinforcing self centeredness in marriage. It is, last time I checked except in some rigid religions, an equal partnership, even Steven, good for goose and gander.
While I agree that there should be some interests that are not shared, say fly fishing or movies or using a metal detector on the beach, if it will in any way affect your relationship it should be revealed. And being a CD will affect your relationship. And you KNOW this before you get married, you know what she thinks of most things in life, yet you remain silent...fear of never finding someone?? Fear that no one will ever love you for who you are??? Willing to hide for your sake, not theirs. I hear so often here that people hide this to protect the marriage, the children, the job. No you are protecting what YOU want to protect. You are not considering your spouse. If she does not like cross dressers and you know it you hurt her chance at happiness because she will find out. And it is easier to get on with life if you don't have all the "things" you gather as you live together.
Ok I know I am yelling into the wind here. I know that 90% of the members here are just like Clark Kent. You don't have to announce it from the mountain top but you have to tell the ones who rely on the image you are projecting. The have a vested interest in this life.
Well duh, you know the answer. If you knew the stove was on would you have touched the burner? Samantha had a real good idea that stove was hot but kept almost touching the burner, how close can I get before I get burned. That may have been part of the thrill, how bad can I be and still get away with it? Maybe even thinking it is easier to apologize than to ask permission. If Samantha could turn back the clock, I am sure she would have.Samantha, final questions - If you had it all to do over again, knowing what you know now - would you still have CD'd over the years? Would you have ever told your wife of your hobby had she not found your computer on?
I still think there is a deeper problem here and cross dressing is just a convienent excuse and as long as Samatha remains afraid od being exposed it will be a fulcrum in the separation, one that even though not a legal issue will be an issue in who gets what and when. I think honestly that snooping in someone's history in the browser is very low and really an indication of the morality of the snooper as much as the snoopie. There was a trust problem long before the computer was left on
Last edited by Lorileah; 01-28-2011 at 01:44 PM. Reason: context errors
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
I agree.
You aren't screwed, in a blackmail way, if you don't let her have any leverage. If she threatens to tell, say, "go ahead. I'm not ashamed of being who I am. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, but since it did, I accept who I am. In time, I hope you can to."
Maybe the marriage will last, maybe it won't, but don't live in fear.
DonnaT
Do not let her kick you out of the house. Refuse to leave. If you move out the courts will consider it abandonment and it will make it easier for your wife to take your kids away.
No. Quite frankly you don't have any idea what it is like. You don't have any idea what it is like to be a guy and have to pretend to be super macho, and defend your masculinity even while being taunted for doing it by the people you would love nothing more than to be with. You have no idea what it is like to live in a society that is so afraid of what you are that it openly mocks, ridicules, and murders others like you who are found out. And suggesting that you do know what it like is arrogant and offensive beyond measure. Like all privileged people you are completely ignorant of your own privilege, and you honestly believe that you know what those who are not fortunate enough to be like you feel. You really have no idea.
But perhaps if you did you would stop trying so hard to justify a wife's anger around this issue.
This
And a double dose of this.
Last edited by Hope; 01-29-2011 at 06:48 AM.
"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." — Marilyn Monroe
Samantha, I am sorry for your troubles. So much has been said here, but I didn't see anything direct about education. When I was first learning about my SOs femme side, I knew almost NOTHING of the trans world. I had a couple of gender queer acquaintances, but I knew nothing of their personal experiences and journeys. So even though you have a deeper understanding of what it means and four years of experience on this (awesome) forum, remember that she knows almost nothing about what CDing is. So of course she is going to have a skewed horrible perception of it (most people do bc it's so often hidden, in the closet and seen as not normal - not my feeling, but most of society's). Of course she's freaked about the CDing itself, how could she not be? It's completely foreign to her. She is going to be the Spanish Inquisition of Gender until she learns and understands what it means to be you. So, yes, go to therapy. Answer her questions. Try to get her to come here - the FAB forum is a great, safe space for her. It's going to take months, years, even. GO SLOWLY. Someone else said it was TMI all at once. Open your heart. Tell her about your personal journey. You won't win her over by saying, "I don't see that harm in what I'm doing." (even though you might feel that way.) That will piss her off because you are not affirming her feelings. She feels harmed by this because she was lied to and has missed out on a huge part of your life.
Just keep talking. It works. I have said (and thought) some crazy stuff to my SO. I'm glad he was able to see that it was coming from a scared place and could hear the feeling behind it more than the actually meaning of the words. Your wife is scared. She's throwing everything she can at you, she is trying to take control of the situation. She feels out of control. The only thing she can actually control is herself. Not you.
Good luck.
Wow... I couldn't let this one go...
How do you know Reine doesn't know what it's like, do you actually live in her home, do you actually know anything about Reines life? no? oh right... silly me, thought you did :rolleyes:
Wow and I guess you have every idea of what it's like to be a woman living in a MANS world do you? Defending our rights to wear trousers many years ago, defending the right to equal pay etc etc...
Wow, this had me gobsmacked, now you're just being plain rude and ignorant yourself. What gave you the right to speak to Reine like that? I know Reine will defend herself regarding this, but this statement is just pure :BS: and you know it!! Do you think people just openly mock, ridicule and murder the TS community? You really must live a sheltered life if you think that :rolleyes:
And you're just simply an ignorant fool who needs to get a clue :Angry3:
Oh puh-lease, you have NO idea what it's like to be the woman who's partner has lied for a number of years about dressing in womens clothes, no idea how a woman feels inside about being betrayed and not being able to talk to anyone because their man is so ashamed, they don't want to be outed by the woman... if you had any idea how that feels, then you'd have a clue, but you don't...
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
Well being from the pre-computer generation myself, I too went through a similar situation. I thought this would all go away when I got married, and like Samantha, it DID go away for several years. I had thought about telling my then fiance, and almost did, but changed my mind at the last minute. In hind sight for ME it was the right thing to do. I wasnt trying to lie to my wife, I was just an uneducated CD at the time trying to figure out what was going on, and trying to deal with this coming back after I thought otherwise. I have been married for 18 years and my wife has now known for 4 of those years. She told me if I HAD told her before we were married she would have went the other direction. When she found out she had all the usual questions asked in the OP, I told the truth and it took quite awhile, a several months in fact before she understood my situation. She still has hopes of this going away, but it isnt a deal breaker. Samantha is in a little different situation that I was in, in the fact the her wife is dead set against it. My best advice is to give her what she wants, go to therapy and by all means BOTH of you need to agree on a therapist. Have her pick a handful of possibilities and then you set down and agree upon one. This will probably mean she may have to "shelf" Samantha for an indefinate amount of time, and maybe forever. Will this stop Samantha from being a real part of HIS life? No! But one thing is for sure Samanthas wife needs to take the wheel and drive on this one until things get figured out. Taking the stance of "Prove It" is not the right thing to do, it will just piss her off and divorce is a good possible ending if you go this direction.
Samantha, Tread lightly, dont plead your case of being right. You are at your wifes mercy right now, the threats of blackmail could be real threats and you need to treat them as such. Let her ask the questions and just go with flow. Dont just try to give more info that is needed right now, it can come accross as pleading your case, let her ask the questions and answer them directly and honsetly!!
PM me if you need to talk or need advice from another CD.
Erika Leigh
Your wife can threaten or whatever but if she does, THEN what is she gonna try to hold over your head?
But yeah do not act shameful. some people love nothing more than to threaten or have some sort of sick control.
You don't get popular by being proud and shameless but it is easier than hiding.
It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.
That was totally uncalled for. You have no idea who I am or what my life is like.
If I were you, I'd save the vitriol for the people who, in your words, openly mock, ridicule, and murder CDers and TSs. Not the people who empathize and who are supportive.
Reine
This is my first post here. I've cruised the forums for awhile, but this particular story made me want to join in.
I had a similar situation. I was crossdressing a lot when my now ex-wife and I first met. Suddenly, the desire went away. I was enthralled with her and lost the desire to altogether. When we decided to move in together, I purged all of my wigs, clothes, boots, shoes, etc... Several thousands of dollars of clothes just tossed out. I obviously regret it now. I'd love to have some of those outfits/shoes/boots back. I never told her about my CDing because I (just like many others have) felt like it was something I had outgrown and that my new found relationship was the answer to filling the void I had felt before. Crossdressing was just something I did to try to fill that void. Although, I would help her go shop and I spent a massive amount of money on lingerie , clothes, panties, bras, outfits, shoes, boots, etc. for her as I just loved the way they looked and loved the way they looked and felt on her body. Still, I wasn't dressing.
Her friends when we first met were all into the Rave/club scene and were big on "E" and the entire dance scene as was she. I myself, was take it or leave it with the entire idea, but I was friendly and fun and it was never a problem. Many of her friends had various "social stigmas" (for lack of a better word) attached to them... Gay, Bi, Swingers, Adulterers, Strippers, etc.. DISCLAIMER - I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THOSE THINGS. I'm merely making a point that a lot of society has not embraced most of those lifestyles and many think that some are taboo or reckless. Case-and-point... This is a forum for advice on Crossdressing. Argument made-point proven. Now, back to the story.
Although she wasn't really into any of those things/lifestyles, she never held any of it against those she was friends with and appreciated them for the person that they were and the way they treated her. Which is the way I've always been. She accepted them entirely and had a very laissez faire attitude in regards to everyone. We stopped doing those things for the most part after tying the knot. We had been married for about 2 years when we got invited out with her old crew. We went out to a party and rolled. We were back home, getting along, and laying in bed- all was good with the world and just like many times when on "E", you begin to talk and have extremely in-depth conversations about life. So, as our talks got more and more intimate, and I began to think about how accepting she was of everyone else and their lifestyles, I thought mentioning that I had crossdressed before would take us to a new level of honesty and trust and that I had completely overlooked all-along the fact that she was so accepting of everyone else that this wouldn't be a problem. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. I let it the cat out of the bag about my prior crossdressing. I hadn't even gone in depth regarding makeup, shaving legs, wigs, breast forms, how much money I had spent on my femme clothes, practicing femme walk, and the late night walks/drives for thrill. Immediately she had a repulsed look on her face and the entire mood of the room changed. a countless number of questions followed... How long? Are you still doing it? What types of clothes? Did you talk like a girl? Who else knows? and of course, ... Are you gay? Which was followed by Have you ever been with a man? Are you lying to me? Have you ever kissed another man? etc...
Immediately, my manhood and character where tried and convicted without any chance to give an explanation. The woman who accepted ALL of her friends and their lifestyles, was suddenly the most obtuse and critical person I had ever encountered. It was awkward for a few days and we just sort of never talked about it or brought it up, but her view of me had changed. Our sex life started to suffer. It was then that I started dressing again using her clothes. I would steal a panty here, a panty there, etc.. and my stress and anxiety started to diminish. Eventually, I sat down and tried to explain why I dressed and how much I loved the feel of satin, vinyl, leather, etc.. Hence my name Shiny-J. So, she begrudgingly accepted it and as I spent hours reiterating my love for her, she came around.. kind of.... She said that I could wear panties and said she would take me shopping to find them. Well, I picked out the ones with bows and bikini/thong style, etc.. She said they were too femme and she chose some that were just a blah brief but at least they still the satin/nylon/lycra feel.
I would still take her shopping for lingerie and she would see some that were really ****ty and shiny and say "I'll bet you love these right?" and she would roll her eyes and smile with an annoyed, but endearing expression and toss them in the basket. When she wasn't looking, I would throw some in there too that I wanted and then carry the basket around the store. When it was time to pay, I would tell her I was thirsty and ask her to run to the mall food court and grab me a soda. Then, I could get my things along with hers without her knowing. I stashed them and kept it well-hidden from her. Although things were going better, they still weren't quite right. And I always felt like something was a little off. As time went on, it did gradually get better but whenever we had a normal married couple argument, the CDing always came up if it got too heated.
Also, when we did make love, I always wanted to wear the panties which bothered her immensely. I just loved the feel of them against my skin. The sex was the same as always, it was just panties I wanted to throw in. I tried to back of off it, but I noticed that sexually, she became more and more distant and reserved and just not that into it. Fights were getting more and more frequent and the fire started to fade. When we did have sex, it was usually drunken makeup sex after a fight. In fact, the only time I've ever CD in front of anyone was during one of those drunken sexcapades. I stumbled into the other room where she kept her clothes and put on a vinyl teddy, thigh highs, opera gloves, a red vinyl thong, and red thigh high boots and walked into the room and we had some of the wildest, longest sex ever. She was ecstatic and so was I. When we were done, she told me she loved it and rubbed her hands all over the me in the clothes and we drifted off to sleep very much in love. Well, passed out is more like it. When she woke up the next morning and saw me laying next to her in the outfit, she flipped out. So, there's my lone experience of being dressed around someone. Sorry to ramble, but I needed to get it off my chest... I apologize.
Now, to the point. We separated and eventually got the divorce. Within a few months of living on my own, I was in need of a new closet for my femme wardrobe. Now, I CD and it feels good, but it's just to fill up that void again. We get along and try to stay friends, but anytime there is an argument, she threatens to tell about my CDing. Luckily, we didn't have children, but in the beginning I did get the threats of her telling friends and family and telling coworkers. It was blackmail. Same as you. She actually tried to say it to some friends early on in the split, but I blew it off and just said she was nuts. If nobody has any proof, then it just looks like she's crazy making accusations against you to try to gain leverage in a battle for mutual friends. She comes off looking like the one with a "problem".
Personally, she's in the wrong. Since I was a small child, I was taught to appreciate people for what they were on the inside and not the outside. I was taught as a small child to not make fun of others because their clothes were different or not made by an expensive designer. As a ****ing child I was taught this! What's more superficial than clothes? I can't count how many times I heard women in person, on TV, in books, movies, magazine articles, etc. complain that "their man doesn't look at them the same way because they got older, gained some weight, got a few gray hairs, etc. and "Why can't he love me for who I am on the inside?" After my situation and hearing yours and many others like it, I would love to see the reactions of every woman that has ever asked those questions if they saw their hubby/boyfriend walk out in full drag and say that they were a crossdresser. My guess is that at LEAST 90% would get the same reaction the OP and myself had.
I hope you find peace and that both of you find your way back to each other. I hope that if it doesn't work out, that you view it as her that caused it all to end. That may sound like some odd advice, but I just look at it in terms of my own situation. My marriage was happy and good and I tried to open up and just tell her about something I had DONE. I wasn't dressing at the time... I just told her I had done it before and it was essentially a dealbreaker for her. It just took a few years for it to break all the way. If she would've been more understanding, she could've had her dream marriage.
Crossdressing is completely superficial and innocuous. at least in my case. I never did anything that deserved her level of disgust and I don't think that you did either.
Whew! Everyone seems to have weighed in on this, but one thing seems to have gone unsaid so far.
Samantha, you need to know that a whole lot of us, CD's, GG's, and whatever, feel for you and care about you at this difficult time.
Please consider this to be a virtual hug, delivered over the miles that may lie between us.
You and your wife and your family will be in our thoughts and in our prayers.
Persephone.
"If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.
"If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)
-.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).
SHINY-J I don't agree with some of what you posted, and I do agree with some of what you posted. Regardless, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for such a long, well thought out post. Welcome to the forum!
wow Samantha
i really hope everything will turn out good eventually.
your wife might just need sometime to think and help just give her that time.
therapy for her might help but yea it all wil take time.
i havent been in these kind of situations because iam only 19
but yea i did read many of these kind of problems and most of them they all just needed some time to accept it.
but i do see her side that she feel betrayed she trusted you for 12 years of marrige and yet you just now she needs to come with it.
but yea i know its very hard i still didnt find a way to tell my parent but thats my problem not your.
i hope everything will be ok
robin.
I'd like to say the same thing.
Welcome to the forum, Shiny.What I'm about to say may seem harsh, but as an outsider, it is objective. I do want to tell you that I have been fully supportive of my SO in and out of the bedroom since the beginning and we go out everywhere together when she's herself. But, she was honest with me from the very start, so I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open.
From your story, I gather that your ex was OK with the concept of alternative lifestyles and also CDing as long as it wasn't in her backyard, but she didn't take it well when you told her about yourself some years into the marriage. I want to point out this is natural for most people, no matter the issue. It's easier to adopt a laissez-faire attitude when issues don't impact us directly. It's also difficult to deal with broken trust when the truth comes out after some years.
You chose to use the time immediately after she found out, when she was coming to terms with being married to a CDer, to sneak behind her back and wear her clothes. She eventually came around and tried to be supportive, yet you insisted on resorting to subterfuge and sneaking panties into your shopping cart for example. I'm not putting you down for wanting the panties, but this is a passive way of dealing with it and it would have been best for the two of you to deal with it differently. Your actions eroded her trust further. And last, you say she threatened and blackmailed you during arguments. Did she ever follow through, since you are prepared to deny who you are to anyone she *may* tell and try to make her out to be crazy? And did you ever say things in anger to her as well? Just wondering.
I don't want to take away from your pain and your frustration. The situation wasn't easy for you either. But, there are always two sides to every story.
Last edited by ReineD; 02-02-2011 at 05:45 PM.
Reine
Shiny,
Here we have a case of meeting someone, someone to the eye because of acceptance to alternative lifestyles you would think could be more understanding to yours.. Then the hammer goes down to find it is not the case, being single myself that type of person in my search raises a flag to rather I choose to see her or move to the next .. Was I ever mistaken!!
Just because someone shows a tolerance to an alternative lifestyle does not mean she will choose one a partner. Many GG's here will be upset to hear that for most the only choice is to hide the dressing urges and allow the partner to fall in love with you ..
I agree it is a terrible way to find a partner ,one I will not do but many others do.. The best way to getting a accepting partner would be slowly intrudcing your desires and being honest from the start.. I am preaching to the choir I know and this isn't meant to beat up on you either . I will not settle for any GG who will not accept me wholely believe me there are some out there who do find an attraction to us but very few and in between are willing to ..
Why? Because GG's have other concerns ,Family and friends and what they may think, Thier children it may seem they would rather put a alcoholic above you because of perception .Isn't that sad? Whats really sad is most of us are decent hard working level headed ,family oriented, understanding,careing indulviduales who do not wish to be exposed to no other than our partner.
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
I was not "discovered"; I told my wife after 15 1/2 years of marriage. It too did not go well. My story is, like so many others on this site, similar to yours. I only told her about my c/ding because I realized it was only a matter of time before she discovered my hidden wardrobe. We've been in therapy for two years - w/o therapy I'm fairly certain we would have been divorced by now. After talking about this endlessly together and with the therapist, it boils down to her feeling betrayed. If I had told her up front, it would have been a deal breaker for her and we both would have moved on. However, by creating the situation I did, she feels trapped. Divorce would be at great sacrifice. She feels that in addition to the feeling of betrayal she has lost the physical attraction which was so important to her. She has seen me dressed and pictures of my enfemme. Also, she has visited c/ding websites and has seen postings by crossdressers that profess to occasionally fanticizing they're female during sex. That raises questions about "lesbianism" in her mind. Actually, I get it. I went to great length to look, dress, act, walk, talk and feel female. I cannot convince her that I don't do that during sex.....especially when some other crossdressers have posted that they sometimes wear articles of womens' clothing during sex with their SOs. She acknowledges that it may be okay for some women but, like religion and politics, everyone has their own feelings about these things. It's okay for them but don't tell her how to believe in God, who to vote for and what to accept regarding sex and crossdressing. I guess I get that too.
Over 2 years ago, I voluntarily told my wife after 16 years of marriage. I most definitely should have told her sooner, but I think I was still unsure if it was just a phase or if I wanted to fully dress or just wear hose and heels occasionally or what. Alot of binging and purging during that time for sure.
I know the frustration you are going through first hand. The best advice I have ever been given is take it very slow. If you have to, let her set the pace of acceptance. Baby steps. Because, as I like to say, my wife always dreamed of marrying her knight in shining armor, but now she finds out her knight likes to be a princess in 3-inch heels from time-to-time. Understandably quite a shock to her.
You know ... this has been mentioned in many other threads, but not in this one yet (I think :p).
We do have GGs who, when finding out after years of marriage (for some, decades), who don't automatically scream *divorce* due to the broken trust. A lot of it has to do with the state of the marriage to begin with. With a 50% divorce rate in this country, it is not surprising there are many other marital issues that come into play when a wife discovers after some years that her husband CDs. But for some reason, these other issues are seldom discussed when a CDer comes in here and speaks of his wife's non-support.
Just saying. It might not be a bad strategy to work on all the other marital issues first and get the marriage in good shape before tackling the additional issues surrounding the CDing.
Reine
Posting Permissions
