My Boyfriend recently told me that he is a crossdresser

[Momarie]

Hi Sara99.
Welcome.
We also have a private forum for natural women on here....called FAB
You need 2 more posts to qualify (for a total of ten).
It's easy to join.
For now, I would just read and read and read as much as possible on here where you have access.
You will learn a lot and gain insight on how to cope. Education is key.
Then when you have access to GIRLTALK, you can read our stories and struggles too.

Your instincts are very good, trust them.
Just remember to love and care for yourself as much as him.

[AKAMichelle]

Scott took a very big step when he told you. That is the hardest thing to tell someone else. He has dealt with this for a long time and guilt has been a very big part of that. He hasn't relaxed yet since telling you and that is causing the quiet time. He feels that you are 100% accepting so he withdraws. It will take some time to pull him out of the closet the rest of the way. Part of the help that he needs is you and that isn't going to be easy. Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun. There is no competition but it is normal for women to feel that way at first. Just like it is normal for Scott to feel ashamed and guilty for being this way.

My wife didn't accept at first and it took almost 3 years before she did. It took her a long time to understand how deep this was inside of me, but the key to final acceptance and peace is Scott to find balance. It sounds like there are a lot of questions that still haven't been asked. Like when it started, how does he feel when dressed, does he want to transition. Those questions when met with understanding will allow him to address his fears and begin to find balance. Balance is a uniqe thing. It is when you find that you feel the same way regardless of the clothes that you are wearing. It is the blending of both sides into one. Those things have been there all along. How gentle, loving, caring are part of the picture. You just have to see how everything fits together to make him. The man / woman that you fell in love with. Part of him is female and the other part is male. You are lucky because if you both get through this you will end up with a girlfriend / boyfriend / best friend all in one package. I know it is scary, but get him to finish opening up with you. Talking while he is dressed will help to break through the wall that goes up when he is dressed.

You can do this. He is still the man that you fell in love with. You just need to understand everything that makes him tick and help guide him into the point where he accepts himself. He still feels guilty and letting you know about her has probably made it worse since both of you don't talk while he is dressed.

I hope both of you can talk a lot in the coming weeks and start finding some answers. Good luck to you both.

I don't know if he has a girl name or not. Honestly, I've not even thought of asking him that.

Maybe you can help him pick one. That is a big step to showing that you accept him / her.

[Sara99]

Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun

------------

Hi Michelle. What you said there is exactly how I feel. I don't want to feel as though Im competing with his dressing, I want to feel a part of it. It felt that way at first and I liked it. It was fun and I do think he looks good. I just want him to feel and act in exactly the same way when he is dressed up as he does when he isnt. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me, and I do worry that he may not be able to help acting differently towards me when he is presenting himself differently (as in as a girl). Kind of like that is his girl personality. I hope Im explaining that right and that you know what I mean by that. This is all new to me and I do have to learn so much.

I hope he doesn't want to become a woman full time. Steph mentioned that possibility earlier and is something that I hadn't really thought about. I guess we do have a lot of talking to do and only then will I be able to understand completely. All I know is that I love him so much and I know I have no problem accepting it, but I want Scott to meet me halfway and because he kind of almost closes down when he is dressed I dont feel like I am getting that. I need the attention from him, his affection and love and I want that when he is dressed and when he isn't. I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish and I now know thanks to the replies and understanding I've had in this thread from all of you that I need to give him time to be able to feel completely comfortable with expressing this side of him towards another person (me).

JamieTG's SO, thank you for pointing out the private forum. I would love to chat to other women and read the stories and struggles you've had to deal with.

And darla, thank you also for your message. Scott doesn't know I've joined this forum and I feel a little scared to tell him because I dont know how he'd feel about me talking about this with other people. I just dont want to upset him. But I did need so much to talk about this with others and get it off my chest and Im glad that I did join. Everything what everyone has said means so much to me and has able me try and understand it from his perspective.

[J'lyn GG]

First, I'm going to say that I didn't read all of the responses to your post, so I may repeat some things.

Where do I start? I also feel like there is a third person in my marriage. T tells me its him, but then wants me to call him Rebecca. Doesn't make sense. He acts differently.

I don't feel comfortable w/ any intimacy while he is dressed. So, therefore, I hate when he dresses b/c I lose my husband for an entire day. (i'm a stay at home mom to 4 kids, so thats a big deal) While my heart knows I am more important than the dressing, my head tells me that he is choosing dressing over cuddling w/ me.

Many women who are completely accepting change from day to day how they feel about it. I can vary from minute to minute.

If he just told u a few weeks ago, and he has dressed several times, maybe he needs to slow down. You need to explain how you feel. My feeling is that he is uncomfortable w/himself, which is why he becomes so quiet. T and I sat down and compromised a list of ground rules. They included all sensitive areas. (if u would like to know what they were, pm me. I will not post them here) It did include how many times the dressing would be appropriate for our family and us, as a couple. We used them for a few months, then they changed slightly. (more unwritten, though)

You're already much further than me, as I also have self-esteem issues and I am already dealing w/PPD. (post pardum depression)

Most women go thru the same feelings that you are right now. Don't let anyone tell you that if you love him, then you should accept him as is. You can love him and accept who he is and still be uncomfortable with the cding. You are a loving woman who is trying to be okay with something you probably never even thought about before. That takes courage in itself. Our counselor reminds me how much courage it takes. There are alot of women who would leave, instead af facing the challenge. You may even want to think about counseling, if just to act as mediator for discussions. Good luck to you. Try to get 10 posts so you can join the FAB forum. (i know exactly how hard it was for you to post this. I was there not long ago and it took me 2 months to post my first one)

[JulieK1980]

I think getting onto that private FAB forum here would be a great first step for you. There are so many amazing and intelligent women here, and so many of them have gone through the same thing as you. Having someone to talk to, that understands what you are going through is a priceless commodity in my opinion.

It sounds like you two have a very strong and healthy relationship, and I strongly suspect you'll do fine together. It takes a lot of time and communication to fully come to terms with crossdressing. The best thing I can say is don't rush it. Take your time, as it's difficult for both of you. If he's like a lot of us, he's been doing it since he was very young, and has spent the better part of his life trying to hide it from the rest of the world. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to "come out." That is probably why he seems so different when he's dressed. I know for me, it was very nerve shattering for another person to see me dressed for the first time. It was even more difficult when it was someone I loved. There is a large amount of fear that the person will not accept, or see you differently, or worse, the fear they will no longer want to be with you.

I don't have any advice to give that hasn't already been said here, so instead I'll just wish you both the best of luck!

[patti1569]

Hi Sara, I can really identify with your situation. My wife and I went through almost the exact thing almost twenty years ago. A lot of what you are describing are the same feelings my wife has (over many years) expressed to me. It is very difficult to be a crossdresser in our current society, but it is just a difficult (if not more so) to be the significant other of one. You are an amazing person for all you are doing to understand Scott. I am not the best for giving advice but if you have any specific questions about anything don’t hesitate to send me a private message. Welcome to the forum (this is really a great place), and I wish you well, Patti.

[Sara99]

Hi grace

I so want to pm you but the site isn't letting me do that yet. But I totally relate to you when you said about how your heart feels and how your head feels. I said earlier that when Scott is dressed, I end up feeling like it wouldnt matter if I was there or not. That is such a change from how he is towards me when he isnt dressed when he makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. It is that change in his attitude towards me that I am struggling to cope with. When I am at work Ive thought that if SCott doesnt dress tonight then I am in for a cosy night of snuggling up on the sofa and having a great chats (and more), if Scott does dress tonight than I may as well go read a book in the bedroom. So I end up resenting it when he dresses and I so dont want to feel like that. I dont mind him dressing at all but only if it doesnt come between us. His skirt or dress or whatever may be a comfort to him but it becomes a brick wall to me.

The replies Ive had have helped me understand why it may be this way. He is struggling to feel comfortable within himself, so maybe I have to start banging on that brick wall to break it down. I never looked at it that way before I talked about it here today. I mean him feeling uncomfortable or nervous or even guilty about who he is. I just dont want him to feel that way and I need to reassure him that he doesnt need to feel that way. It really doesnt matter to me what clothes he wears. I just want him to be the Scott I know he really is and the Scott that I love so much all the time.

[AKAMichelle]

Your space feels invaded and like a competition for his affection and time has begun

------------

Hi Michelle. What you said there is exactly how I feel. I don't want to feel as though Im competing with his dressing, I want to feel a part of it. It felt that way at first and I liked it. It was fun and I do think he looks good. I just want him to feel and act in exactly the same way when he is dressed up as he does when he isnt. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me, and I do worry that he may not be able to help acting differently towards me when he is presenting himself differently (as in as a girl). Kind of like that is his girl personality. I hope Im explaining that right and that you know what I mean by that. This is all new to me and I do have to learn so much.

I hope he doesn't want to become a woman full time. Steph mentioned that possibility earlier and is something that I hadn't really thought about. I guess we do have a lot of talking to do and only then will I be able to understand completely. All I know is that I love him so much and I know I have no problem accepting it, but I want Scott to meet me halfway and because he kind of almost closes down when he is dressed I dont feel like I am getting that. I need the attention from him, his affection and love and I want that when he is dressed and when he isn't. I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish and I now know thanks to the replies and understanding I've had in this thread from all of you that I need to give him time to be able to feel completely comfortable with expressing this side of him towards another person (me).

JamieTG's SO, thank you for pointing out the private forum. I would love to chat to other women and read the stories and struggles you've had to deal with.

And darla, thank you also for your message. Scott doesn't know I've joined this forum and I feel a little scared to tell him because I dont know how he'd feel about me talking about this with other people. I just dont want to upset him. But I did need so much to talk about this with others and get it off my chest and Im glad that I did join. Everything what everyone has said means so much to me and has able me try and understand it from his perspective.

It is new to him also. You are the first person that he trusted with his secret. You shouldn't feel afraid to tell him things that you did to understand. This is your relationship also and it needs to have a lot of talking. He may tell you that he doesn't want to transition but may later. That is a risk, but you can't let that be a reason to hold back your love for him. You may get hurt, but most likely you will experience a great relationship once you break through the barriers. Everybody has them, but at least you see his. Now get ready for the talk of a lifetime. Don't be afraid of losing him because that will limit what is said. You must break through to where everything is on the table. Only then can you figure out where you want to go next.

I think the other thing that you need to find out at some point is if your BF is bi-sexual. That may be a bigger issue for you both. I hope you have that talk and find out where the relationship is going. You sound like a sweet woman that needs to find answers for a thousand questions you have right now.

Hi grace

I so want to pm you but the site isn't letting me do that yet. But I totally relate to you when you said about how your heart feels and how your head feels. I said earlier that when Scott is dressed, I end up feeling like it wouldnt matter if I was there or not. That is such a change from how he is towards me when he isnt dressed when he makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. It is that change in his attitude towards me that I am struggling to cope with. When I am at work Ive thought that if SCott doesnt dress tonight then I am in for a cosy night of snuggling up on the sofa and having a great chats (and more), if Scott does dress tonight than I may as well go read a book in the bedroom. So I end up resenting it when he dresses and I so dont want to feel like that. I dont mind him dressing at all but only if it doesnt come between us. His skirt or dress or whatever may be a comfort to him but it becomes a brick wall to me.

The replies Ive had have helped me understand why it may be this way. He is struggling to feel comfortable within himself, so maybe I have to start banging on that brick wall to break it down. I never looked at it that way before I talked about it here today. I mean him feeling uncomfortable or nervous or even guilty about who he is. I just dont want him to feel that way and I need to reassure him that he doesnt need to feel that way. It really doesnt matter to me what clothes he wears. I just want him to be the Scott I know he really is and the Scott that I love so much all the time.

The issue with PM is that you have set it so that nobody can contact you. Change your settings and you should be able to contact various people on here.

[the_me]

There's not much I could add that hasn't been said already, so I would just like to wish you the best! I'm 27 myself, and remember telling a GG friend of nearly 10 years about it first. Feelings of excitement, then anxiety... hope... terror. It was pretty rough, but ended up well enough. Now not even half a year after telling that one person, most of my close friends know, I've been able to get out there (dressed up, that is. If even only a couple days a month) and have a good time. Only wish I had someone so supportive as you appear to be by my side the whole time! Would have been 10x easier to deal with.

So like many have said, it can take some time for things to get somewhat back to normal. Also like others have said, I'm sure you can both do it!

Oh, and hey. If he isn't posting here already, maybe he should? Just a thought.

[Kerigirl2009]

Your Story sounds alot like mine in the fact that it took a few drinks for me to finally tell my wife after 15 years of marriage. I know that feeling your BF was feeling, it is of shame and confusion. Shame because what we want to express is not what is expected by anyone and confusion because the feeling never really goes away. Guilty is another feeling he probably felt because with the LOVE he has for you he knows that HE is not being completely honest with you and this makes our life so hard to give all of us because we are always hiding part of ourselves from the ones we love the most. Not fair to either of us, but fear is a powerful thing.

I hope you can find a way to understand him and continue to let your love for him to grow, he is the same person as you knew, its just now you know probably the most intimate part of him. It took alot of trust for him to tell you.
I would admit the laugh probably hurt him more than you think, but he is a man and he will get over it eventually.
The best thing you can do is just ask him questions that you want answers too, when you are ready.
Don't let him do things that you are not comfortable with. For myself and my wife we made a list of boundaries (which I admit are really hard for me to follow) I try but then again I start to hide again which is hard to do.
It has been almost 2 years since I told her and we are still happily married although I was worried for a long time because I was afraid to bring the subject up and she was never wanting to bring it up. But over time we have talked. She has never met my other side except in a few pictures, and does not want to see me dressed as a woman.
I wish you both the best and continued love for eachother, and like you said its only clothes, they do have a way of making us feel better(wierd I know) but true.
Times will be tough for a while and never forget to hug eachother during those hard times. They are important.

Keri

[Rianna Humble]

Don't let anyone tell you that if you love him, then you should accept him as is. You can love him and accept who he is and still be uncomfortable with the cding.

I hope that nothing in what I wrote gave the impression that I believed that Sara should simply accept him "as is".

Sara, you are a wonderfully caring person and you have demonstrated that you are willing to go to great lengths to understand what is happening in Scott's life. I agree that you should not have to feel uncomfortable when he dresses, but I also believe that this is coming from his insecurities rather than from you.

I can't remember if it was you or someone else who suggested that you ask him to cuddle up to you net time he is dressed, but it could be a very good idea.

People have thrown out a lot of possibilities which are concerning you right now - is he TS, is he Bi? Yes there is a chance that he is one or other or both, but there is at least as much chance that he is neither of those things. You will discover the answers - perhaps at the same time as Scott - when you are discussing his cross-dressing with him.

It is extremely difficult for you not to be able to discuss this with your close friends, but there are a lot of people on these forums who genuinely want both you and Scott to be happy. You are over the 10 post threshold now so if you follow this link you can apply to join the Female At Birth area that JamieTG's SO mentioned.

[kimdl93]

From the way you describe his behavior, I think he's still conflicted with himself. Its one thing to come out to an SO. Its another to be fully accepting of oneself. It doesn't sound like he has. My advice would be for him to get into therapy and learn, self acceptance. He needs to believe deep down inside that cross dressing isn't a crime, its nothing to be ashamed of, and if he can learn to open up himself fully to you, then you both can enjoy the fun of dressing together.

[Jilmac]

Sara, You really poured you heart out in that post and I can understand you concerns. First let me say that I believe Scott told you of his crossdressing because of his undying love and commitment to you. It seems to me that he wants you to know everything about him so there are no secrets in your relationship. I also believe that the drinks lowered inhibitions in both of you to make it easier to relate.

That being said, I can also understand your apprehension in becoming intimate while he's dressed. A frank sober discussion may be in order to allow both of you time to decide if you love each other enough to come to a compromise because his urge to crossdress will never wane. If Scott had not trusted you as a confidant, he likely would have kept his dressing a secret which could have been disasterous to your relationship.

It may take a great deal of courage on your part, to totally accept him as the whole person he wants to be but if he is as good as you have described I believe crossdressing to be a minor issue. I was married twice and told both spouses beforehand about my urge to dress and both disapproved. consequentally, I hid my dressing from my entire family until the passing of my second wife. I never regretted dressing but did regret the fact that I hid it all those years. The person I'm dating now has been told of my dressing and we have come to a compromise. I sincerely hope you can do the same with Scott. I wish you luck and continuing success in your relationship.

[NicoleScott]

Hi Sara,
Let's give Scott credit for telling you. Many of us here took our secret to the altar, thinking crossdressing desires would go away once married. They don't, and better to lay it all out before your relationship (which sounds very healthy) goes further. My first marriage ended because she could not tolerate a crossdressing husband. I did not tell her before we married. My current wife is OK with it, and what makes it OK is that she is not threatened by my crossdressing. She asked all the typical questions: am I gay? (no), do I want to be a woman? (no) etc. We talked. Here's where we are: she accepts, supports, and even encourages me to dress. But she doesn't really want to participate, and that's OK with me. So she allows me private time to dress, likes to see me dressed, gives me positive comments, but we both know it's not a time for intimacy.

I think another thing that makes it work for us is that my dressing is part-time occasional, and when not dressed I'm just a normal guy doing all the normal guy stuff, husband and father. My wife hasn't lost her man. If you need Scott to be your man, you should talk about this. One of the downfalls of a relationship with a crossdressing husband is that initial acceptance by the woman is misconstrued to mean that it's OK to take it further and further until she feels like she has lost her man. Discuss intentions and boundaries.

Scott has shared his long-time secret with you, but it's always been a strictly personal thing for him, so his quiet demeanor when dressed shouldn't be too surprising. This (someone else knowing) is new for him, as well as for you. By the way, your laugh is very typical. Don't feel bad about that.

As the others have said, keep talking.

[Ameli]

Hi Sara.

I feel for your situation, and I am so impressed with how you are dealing with it. I think it may be a little easier for you to deal with your emotions around crossdressing than it is for Scott. I know its not always easy for me to talk to my wife about my crossdressing and not because of her reactions, but because I carry some guilt and shame. I tried so very hard to repress my feelings around crossdressing for so long that it really isn't easy for me to share it - even with my wife! I think you're doing amazing job on dealing with the crossdressing and I suspect you two will get past your problems and become a stronger couple because of it. Best of luck to you. If you need anything, just ask.

Ameli

[Sara99]

Hi again Rianna

It was someone else who suggested that I ask him to cuddle up next time he is dressed, and I do think that is a really great idea. Im going to do exactly that.

The possibilities that have been thrown out do scare me but I understand why these have been mentioned to me. I suppose I would be closing me eyes if I didn't even think that these may be issues in Scott's life. It really hurts me to say what im about to say but I would rather Scott be 100% honest with me even if it does cast doubt on our future together rather than us stay together living a lie. So I need to know these things. But I also understand that I cant force an answer out of him and that it will take time. I dont care how much time. I will give him that. He deserves as much as he needs. I wish you all knew him then you'd all understand why I say that.

It is impossible for me to discuss this with family and friends because I wont break the confidence that Scott has shown by telling me this. So I hope you dont mind if I continue to bend your ears on here. I need this outlet and it has made me feel a lot better about everything today. When I posted my first post I honestly didnt know what to expect but I certainly didnt expect so many genuine replies and all the kind words that you have all taken time out of your own lives to give me. My experience of the whole crossdressing thing is limited and I really dont know much at all about it but if everyone who has commented here is anything to do by not to mention Scott himself then my feelings towards you as a group and individiuals is nothing but positive. Thank you all.

[J'lyn GG]

Rianna, like I said in my post, I didn't read any of the responses to her post b4 I responded. (i was bfing my son) But this was told to me (in so many words).

[TxKimberly]

Dear Sara,

The only thing I dont understand is why you keep apologizing? When your nerves and fears are all ramped up, and you had no idea what was wrong with your BF, to let loose with a laugh when he finally told you that the reason he had been so quite was that he was a crossdresser, is completely understandable.

OK, now as for Scott, he has a big load of stuff piled up in his mind right now. Sharing this little secret with a woman that we love can be the most frightening thing that most of us will ever do. I've done many "interesting" things in my life, and hands down, telling my wife was the most terrifying thing I've ever faced.
So, now he has shared the secret with you and is probably trying to learn how to deal with someone that he loves knowing. What should he share or talk to you about? Can he talk to you or should he be quiet? Should he "dress" or not? Are you really OK with it, or just saying you are to make him happy? Is he going to loose you? All of these things and more are probably screaming through his head over and over. Much like you, he is learning how to adapt to the new status of having someone that matters to him know about him.

Shopping? I'm 45 years old and only recently (last 4 or 5 years) got to the point where I didn't get nervous as hell shopping. It's stupid and it's irrational, but that doesn't really matter. MOST of us are scared to death at first to go shopping for things for ourselves. We are just so certain and positive that someone will know, that they will figure it out. It takes a while to get comfortable enough with yourself that you decide you really dont give a shit if some sales associate that doesn't really matter to you knows that the dress you're buying is not for your wife or mother.

You are both in uncharted waters when it comes to your own life experiences. If you love each other, just give it time for you both to get comfortable with it and to reach a new equilibrium.

Welcome to the forum by the way. I think you will find that it aint all bad

[Sara99]

Hi Nicole

Im so very glad that Scott told me. And what you and others have said tells me that coming out as a cd is not an easy thing to do at all. So I take a lot of satisfaction (thats not the word im looking for but I cant think what the word is so that will have to do) out of him telling me. Early in our relationship Scott was insecure towards me because of what had happened to him with previous girlfriends and he felt that I would do the same (I havent, I never would) and this caused arguments between us. So for him to tell me proves one thing at least. He is no longer insecure with me.

I now understand (thanks to you and others here) that Scott being distant towards me is down to his own nervousness and guilt in having to suprress this part of him for all of his life. That has put a whole new perspective on everything and that is why I am going to try even harder to break down the wall that comes between us when he is dressed. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy with me. I accept his crossdressing (I really dont have a problem with it, my problem is just how he acts towards me when he does it) so trust me I will keep talking to him. He will be home from work in the next hour or so and I honestly cannot wait to see him tonight. I feel for what he is going through and I want to go through it with him but I can only do that if he is able to break down the barriers that it has put up between us. We both have to work at it. But he deserves that.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I can't really add to what has been said, but I want you to know you are not alone. We are here to help.

I can say that I have kind of the opposite problem you have. I would LOVE to cuddle with my wife while I am dressed but she tells me she feels like a lesbian if we do that. She does go out with me shopping, dinner, etc. but it is more like friends going out.

I'm no psychiatrist so this is just a guess. Maybe Scott is unsure how to approach the relationship when he is dressed and wants you to take the lead.

[Mary Morgan]

Sara, you are a beautiful soul and Scott is so lucky to have you. I imagine he may have as many questions as you do. This is a difficult secret to carry and now he has entered foreign territory by sharing it with you. Sometimes we feel guilty that we have relieved our own frustration of silence by telling the one we love the most, only to feel a new guilt for placing a burden on that loved one. In time only you can make that feeling go away. I know you want that and I'm sure he wants your comfort and acceptance as well.

[Sara99]

Hi Kimberly

I guess I keep apologising because I feel so bad about it. and I dont want anyone to think bad of me either. No one here and especially Scott. I guess thats just my own guilt trip taking over. And its probably also because I feel quite emotional today. This has been a big step for me and its been hard to say the things Ive said. The replies Ive had though have made that easier.

Id like him to share and talk about everything. Anything. Its what we've always done. Your questions about what are running through his head say a lot to me and I think you are right so I need to reassure him about that. Oh about the shopping thing - before we went I genuinely felt really quite excited. This may sound daft, but I couldn't help but feel that it would be great from a selfish point of view because we could spend all day in the womens dept and he wouldnt be bored at all. With my ex shopping was a nightmare and to be honest it was similar with Scott before he came out to me. So on that day when we went shopping I was really looking forward to it. Only for it not to be as good as I thought it would be. Its funny, but when we were out shopping Scott was so self conscious and came across as not really interested at all well I may as well have been shopping with my Dad (he was totally useless and always tutting at me and my mum for taking too long over everything. We used to get our own back though and make him wait for ages outside the womens changing rooms! :D

[Christina Horton]

Hi Sara.... I just read you story and I wanted to respond before I read any others comments before I lost my train of thought.
I'm a crossdresser and single but I'm In tune with women because I do live part time as a women. From what I have read here over the years your response is normal for some. I think what's happening is he is sill scared to death to be fully himself and may be ashamed or he feels like he's doing something wrong when he dresses but needs to dress..... Believe it or not being a CD (crossdresser) is not something he can change or chose to not be.
We guys growing up are told to be a man , not to cry , "Big Boys Don't Cry" , or to be a sissy.... So as a result we are programed to think if we like girly stuff were (weak , gay , or worse). He would be fighting all this and prob more.
When you laughed when he first told you was one of his greatest fears. After that you said it was ok but now after it has sunk in your having second thoughts because of his (cold demeanor) when hes dressed. Just remember he has been told all his life that it's wrong and shameful what he wants to do.
If you just told him that its ok it would take a very long time for him to believe it , Like it did with your telling him you wont cheat.
You might have to over come your misgivings with him not being the same person and just treat him normally when he is dressed. He is struggling internally with his male and female sides....Yes we all have them but CDs have more of the opposite sex's emotions. You said he's "He is a very caring loving guy, so affectionate and sensitive but also a little insecure." That is the way most of us feel and the insecure part comes from most likely the CD part of him.
I can't tell you how this will go but I can say this..... If you there for him , support him , love him , that will go a long way to bring him out of his shell.
As for shopping in the stores. Well thats one of the hardest things we have to over come. You see men buying thing for women for there birthday etc... and they can feel like there perverts scallking in the women's department. I fined that when I'm fully dressed that shopping is so easy and no one looks at me funny and I don't pass 100%. He has to be ready to do stuff like that on his own and he may never be able to. He may just want to stay "In the closet" and dress at home. He may want to go out dressed. Fully dressed as a women and have you by "HER" side. I don't mean to scare you but his CDing will NEVER go away. He might even want to "purge" all his stuff . That means he'll just one day think he does not need the stuff and throw it all away. The girl here that have done that (Something many times) have all regretted it. And days weeks months or maybe even year later they want/Not need to dress cuz that is the way we were made, Or if you will the way God made us.
The CD issue is not a easy one to deal with if you did not know right from the start but if you love him you need to work past it. If you need to make boundaries then work them out, If you need or want him to be "Your Man" one night then , then ask him not to dress. Just keep in mind that he will feel like he has betrayed you by not telling you up front and the start. You may feel that to or not but you need to sit down (sans booze) and have a long talk and work out all of this. It's not going to be fixed over night but it should be a good start. Maybe have one day a week you hold for you "girl time talk" where you can both figger it all out.
You could also bring him to this site and you tow can read stories together and alone.
I know I prob said the same things as the other ladies here have but like I said I wanted to get my thoughts down first before I forgot them LOL.
It may be hard for you both but after you resolve this you'll wonder how come all men can't be like your Scott. Just remember you have a boy friend/Girl friend/& Best friend all rolled up in one. Plus you can shop with this one and when he's comfortable with it and have tons of fun....
Good luck and I hope you two all the best!!!

[sandra-leigh]

Beyond what the others have already said:

It seems to me that it is possible that he is now feeling a bit of "Oh no, what have I done?" in telling you. With him never having told anyone before, he is entering uncharted territory for himself in sharing it with you, and the implications may be scaring him. To have cross-dressed in private with no-one knowing is something you can self-talk about and make excuses about, like "I'm just trying it on," or "I just want to be reminded about how this looks on Sara", or "I just want to get a better idea about how these clothes go together so I'll be better at selecting clothes for Sara", and so on. But to admit it to someone else, to show someone else: that can be a life changing event, and Scott might be having a hard time dealing with the implications.

I don't know Scott, so I have no idea how much he is internally "driven" to dress, but considering that he has already dressed in front of you at home several times in the few weeks, I suspect that at least at this time, his internal drive to dress is fairly strong. How strongly one has the urge to dress varies quite a bit between different people, and varies quite a bit over time for any one person. For many people, stress of other kinds triggers an urge to dress (to relieve the other stress), but for others, stress dampens the urge to dress. Is there some kind of prominent external stress these days, such as struggling to find a full-time job?

Whether there is external stress at this time or not, if Scott's drive to dress is as high as I suspect it might be, then him telling you about his dressing might have triggered fear and confusion in him. Triggered isn't the right word here, though: the fear and confusion might have already been there, but were being repressed because they were "completely unrealistic", and now that he's told you, now that he's admitted to himself that there is enough to it that someone else needs to be told, the fears and confusion have to be faced up to. What kinds of fear and confusion? Oh, about all kinds of things. "I like to wear women's clothes... doesn't that mean I'm gay?"; "How can she love me, knowing what I am?"; "I cross-dress: doesn't that mean I'm transsexual?"; "When I cross-dress, obviously I'm less of a Man, but I don't want to be less of a Man, I just have these urges that I can't get rid of".

And, what I suspect might be relevant in Scott's case: "I have an urge to dress more if I could. Much more. I would like to present as a female in public -- but I'm afraid of what that would mean for my life, for my relationships, for my safety, for my family, for my self-image, for my sanity, for my job... I'm afraid that now that I've gone even a little way towards that, that I won't be able to stop." Now, to be clear here, this is just a suspicion on my part, based entirely upon what you have said. A question that Scott will have to face some time is "If there were no barriers, nothing stopping you, then how much would you like to cross-dress; in an ideal world, how far would you like to go with this? If the ideal world feels like it would present too much of a barrier, what about in a fantasy world, what would you like to do or be?"

I will point out here that even if Scott does feel that he would like to dress in public more than not, that would not necessarily mean that he is transsexual. Society does, however, exert a lot of subtle pressure to be either "male" or "female", a lot of "If you aren't male then you must be female!" Even here, some of the transsexuals are known to express the idea that if you aren't 100% committed to thoroughly becoming female, then you are "just" a male with a dressing perversion. Feeling that one is somewhere in the middle can be extremely tough.

One thing I am thinking is if Scott is having trouble accepting who and what he is, and now you know, then the dressing and the coldness might be projection of his internal discord on to you. If he can make you not accept him and leave him or put him down about dressing, then it would "prove" to him that he was right in feeling disgusted with himself for being a cross-dresser, if that is the way he feels. Or, alternately, if he succeeds in driving you away then he would drop back to the state of being mentally alone with his cross-dressing and then he could bury it again for a time and wouldn't have to face up to its implications, such as the implication that may be he could be more female to the world. If no-one can accept him, then it is "obviously" unsafe to come out so it doesn't have to be considered, but if you accept him then he has to face up to the idea that other people might as well, and that might feel like a worse prospect than losing you. If what I've written here seems like "crazy talk" or "circular reasoning", that's okay, as self-identity and cross-dressing are not rational things.

Do not underestimate the self-loathing and denial some people can go through with regards to cross-dressing and gender issues; on the other hand, do not assume that Scott is necessarily going through those feelings. People differ greatly.

Telling a Significant Other is a very rough time. As one grows close to someone, it can feel like a sickening lie to hide this part from them, something that eats away and eats away until one either pushes the other person away or something gives inside. Sometimes one is pretty broken inside by the time one tells -- sometimes one doesn't tell until one has nearly "bottomed out" and has convinced oneself that the relationship is over (or will be as soon as one is done telling): one might already have mentally set oneself up to fail. Recovering from that can take time... and might involve "tests" of the other person until one is emotionally convinced that the other person is sincere in acceptance.

Advice... as far as advice for you, I don't know. You could ask him how far he would like to take things, but based upon his reactions to shopping, I think that question might be to early.

My feeling is that what Scott would benefit from is going to see a gender therapist. Even if Scott himself talks in terms of "curing" himself, you should be firm that No, the idea is for Scott to learn about himself, to order his thoughts and to process his feelings and needs whatever those might turn out to be, and to learn how to communicate about those needs. Quite a few of the members here have gone to some kind of gender therapy, and the large majority of those say that they are very glad they did.

[abigailf]

Hi and welcome.

I am a bit overwhelmed by the responses. So I can only imagine what you must be going through. I wasn't going to respond at all figuring you received quite a bit of advice already, but your post moved me and reminded me when I came out to my wife. It was a bit different, but there are some similarities.

Anyway there is something I really wanted to share.

First, Someone suggested this in another way already; read, learn and understand before you act. This may save your relationship. Take the time to understand this before you make any decisions. If you walk away with anything from this thread, let it be this.

Second, I don't think Scott is being selfish (as someone suggested), is is possible he is just scared. Scared about what is happening to him and about losing you. He knows things are about to change and doesn't know what that means. He is less unsure about the future and that is very frightening. I still cry at night wishing that this isn't happening to me, but it is and I need to learn to live with it. Scott may be feeling the same way.

Next, reach deep inside yourself and try to understand how far you are willing to go with him. There are several areas of trans-gender. Some are perfectly happy just dressing up in woman's clothes, looking and feeling girlish. But there are those of us who feel like we are woman in the wrong bodies. The latter of us are driven to change ourselves and as we get older the drive gets stronger. That is the part I struggle with everyday. My wife, whom I love is not a lesbian and a transition would most likely mean losing her. Yet I am so driven more and more to alter myself in every way I can.

I don't know where Scott falls, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst case and decide if you can live with him as a her in that case.

Next, only after you have learned enough from whatever sources, then you need to have a conversation with Scott. Also, don't be afraid to see a therapist (someone who specialized in gender identity issues).

In the mean time, interact with him/her the same way you would when not dressed. Using kid gloves when he is dressed and not when he is not will only put a wall between you.

Ultimately, communication is key and if he doesn't open up, you should encourage him to do so, but don't force it. He will talk when he gets more comfortable talking about it. Remember, he lived with this to himself for many years and is not used to sharing it with anyone. That will take time. If there is a second thing you walk away with from this thread, let it be "communication".

Best of luck,
Abigail