hey, how are my gay male crossdressers doing?

[TxCassie]

Hello All,
Hello Maya1Love,

Please forgive me, but I've been a member of the board for some years now. To my discredit, I have not been a good poster or been active in keeping up. I've lost my password, forgotten my userID, you name it, I had the roadblocked. I finally purchased my first laptop and signed on with my first wireless service, which was a big, big step in the right direction. So, I'm taking another stab at making a connection here.

Maya, I must apologize, only tonight did I read your the private message you sent me in 2009, yes 2009. I had no idea anyone written me. Please, please accept my apologies From what I can tell you've done remarkable work keeping us gay TGals together here on the forum.

My name is Cassie. I'm now a grand dame at the age of 51yrs. I do dress, but not as often as I'd like and I've never dressed fully. I'm working on it. I've found a boutique in Houston, Texas (I'm in San Antoni0, 250 west-southwest of Houston) that caters to TGals. SA isn't the friendliest city for us TGals. I am gay, always been, always had Cassie in me, but for years made sure she didn't even see the light of day. As I grew older, I found that I could no longer ignore Cassie and her need to be expressed in some way, that was about ten years ago. I've built and purged a couple of times since. I'm currently trying to re-build my wardrobe again, hopefully, with no purging this time.

I love being a male, but I never felt i was totally masculine and so easily identify with a feminine nature. I don't know if it's a commentary on how I see my sexuality or self-homophobia. I do know, I feel great when I dress and I think I'd like knowing other TGals and men who know Cassie or know about Cassie.

So, once again, sorry for the inconsistency, I meant no harm.

Cassie

[StarrOfDelite]

Hi ladies! I was thinking that I would like to create a flickr group about gay transvestites/crossdressers, so I did. Here is the link: http://www.flickr.com/groups/gaytransvestites/

If you are interested, please feel free to join!

Done. You have a great photostream on Flickr Maya.

[Mizzsummers]

Dating in the gay scene is very hard. I find I am too femme to land a gay guy and not femme enough to land a bi guy. So i end up just having random hook-ups, which is never safe. And I feel I get clingy as i want a relationship.

it sure is difficult, but if its supposed to be its supposed to be!

[StarrOfDelite]

I had one of "those experiences which perplex" this weekend. I had corresponded with a fellow from western Pennsylvania for several months, but I always seemed to be in NYC when he was free on the weekends, and when I was "at home" he was working weekends. We finally got settled on last Saturday nite, and I put on a new summery dress, et cetera, got as pretty as an Old Tranny can get, and met him at a local TGI Friday's. I knew he wasn't movie star handsome, but he had written some interesting emails, and I thought we'd at least have some decent conversation even if no sparks were likely to be struck. For the record, I went to the meeting with 100% intentions to keep the minimal amount of clothing I was wearing (it was still 88 degrees at ten p.m.) in place at all times, but had communicated no ground rules to him. In other words, so far as he was aware, I could have been just waiting for him to say "Let's get a room," before I tore his clothes off and ravaged him. Or vice versa, which would be more fun for me.

He got to the rendezvous first, so I sashayed in about five minute late (which would have been very prompt for a G Girl), sat down next to him, gave him a big, flashing smile and a "Hi-ya!" in my best trying-not-to-sound-like-Tootsie girly voice, and tried to chat him up. He was very distant at that time, and remained so during the entire evening. I wound up drinking about four glasses of ice cold Chardonnay and eating an order of deep-fried calamari, so he wasn't cheap-skating the date, but he never opened up, and never seemed like he was enjoying himself. Around 0230 we went back to the lot where my car was parked, and he sort of shook my hand and gave me a man hug and a maiden aunt kiss all at the same time, and took off. I sent him an email thanking him for a nice evening, and he hasn't responded at all. Three days and counting, and clearly that dog isn't going to hunt anymore.

He had claimed that he had had Gay experiences as a young man, had given it up for the duration of a 25 year marriage, was getting back into the life, and had always been fascinated by trans-girls. He had several full face photos of me, and a couple of full length body pix, too, so it's not like he could have been surprised at my appearance, and he seemed to be distracted even before I arrived so I'm pretty sure it wasn't my presentation.

Ordinarily, I would have just written this off as a learning experience of the no-harm/no-foul variety, and be happy I got food and wine out of the bargain. However, it seems somehow germane to the discussions we've been having on this Thread about dating Gay men, dating Admirers, and dating Straight guys ( if there are such, of course). So, I'm wondering, was he one of those Admirers who don't really want to be the Male half? Or is he a Gay Guy who had second thoughts before I ever arrived? Is he a confused Hetero who had second thoughts about taking a Walk on the Wild Side. He seemed enthusiastic to meet. I'm sure we have all had some setbacks with the delicate psyches of guys who like CD's, e.g. impotence and premature ejaculation, inter alia, are two I've dealt with in the past, but this is the first one I've had where the man was all enthusiasm about meeting, we'd exchanged at least 12-15 emails apiece, and just turned out to be totally disinterested at the F2F.

This may be an important point. At some point in the evening I myself sort of gave up on trying to be witty, enchanting and fascinating ingrid, and wound up talking about my adventures as a Leader of Men and Gentleman by act of Congress. He seemed more interested in those stories than anything I talked about which are important to my CD'ing. In fact, as far as i can recall, he never asked a single question about any of that. It's not like I've dated every Admirer entire Russian Army, but all of the newbies I have met have been totally curious about what it's like to be a CD.

It was just a weird experience, and I'm curious if anyone else has dealt with something like it.

[TxCassie]

well, Star, chock another experience for the "Old Tranny". it sounds like he had something going on inside, you likely will never know. He could have built up his anticipation ( like a kid who eyes are bigger than his stomach), but when reality was right in front of him, he was a bust. He may have not even know how to proceed with a TGal. Who knows. But you know, you let yourself be open to a possibility and that's what matters. Surely, you are entitled to shake your head and say.. HUH.. , but don't let it get you down.

Stay beautiful... babe.

Cassie.

[StarrOfDelite]

Thanx Cassie, I appreciate the kind words and thoughts. Fortunately, it was so patently obvious from the first instant I said "Hi" that it was going to be a difficult evening that I felt no sense of personal inadequacy from his attitude. I just thought it was a shame the poor man didn't even give himself a chance to have a good time with chat, flirting, wine and song. I wouldn't have posted the experience on any other Thread on Crossdresser, but this seemed apropos to some posts that Barbara and Maya and Reine and I exchanged here a couple of weeks gone by.

Thanx again.

[Barbara Dugan]

I had one of "those experiences which perplex" this weekend. I had corresponded with a fellow from western Pennsylvania for several months, but I always seemed to be in NYC when he was free on the weekends, and when I was "at home" he was working weekends. We finally got settled on last Saturday nite, and I put on a new summery dress, et cetera, got as pretty as an Old Tranny can get, and met him at a local TGI Friday's. I knew he wasn't movie star handsome, but he had written some interesting emails, and I thought we'd at least have some decent conversation even if no sparks were likely to be struck. For the record, I went to the meeting with 100% intentions to keep the minimal amount of clothing I was wearing (it was still 88 degrees at ten p.m.) in place at all times, but had communicated no ground rules to him. In other words, so far as he was aware, I could have been just waiting for him to say "Let's get a room," before I tore his clothes off and ravaged him. Or vice versa, which would be more fun for me.

He got to the rendezvous first, so I sashayed in about five minute late (which would have been very prompt for a G Girl), sat down next to him, gave him a big, flashing smile and a "Hi-ya!" in my best trying-not-to-sound-like-Tootsie girly voice, and tried to chat him up. He was very distant at that time, and remained so during the entire evening. I wound up drinking about four glasses of ice cold Chardonnay and eating an order of deep-fried calamari, so he wasn't cheap-skating the date, but he never opened up, and never seemed like he was enjoying himself. Around 0230 we went back to the lot where my car was parked, and he sort of shook my hand and gave me a man hug and a maiden aunt kiss all at the same time, and took off. I sent him an email thanking him for a nice evening, and he hasn't responded at all. Three days and counting, and clearly that dog isn't going to hunt anymore.

He had claimed that he had had Gay experiences as a young man, had given it up for the duration of a 25 year marriage, was getting back into the life, and had always been fascinated by trans-girls. He had several full face photos of me, and a couple of full length body pix, too, so it's not like he could have been surprised at my appearance, and he seemed to be distracted even before I arrived so I'm pretty sure it wasn't my presentation.

Ordinarily, I would have just written this off as a learning experience of the no-harm/no-foul variety, and be happy I got food and wine out of the bargain. However, it seems somehow germane to the discussions we've been having on this Thread about dating Gay men, dating Admirers, and dating Straight guys ( if there are such, of course). So, I'm wondering, was he one of those Admirers who don't really want to be the Male half? Or is he a Gay Guy who had second thoughts before I ever arrived? Is he a confused Hetero who had second thoughts about taking a Walk on the Wild Side. He seemed enthusiastic to meet. I'm sure we have all had some setbacks with the delicate psyches of guys who like CD's, e.g. impotence and premature ejaculation, inter alia, are two I've dealt with in the past, but this is the first one I've had where the man was all enthusiasm about meeting, we'd exchanged at least 12-15 emails apiece, and just turned out to be totally disinterested at the F2F.

This may be an important point. At some point in the evening I myself sort of gave up on trying to be witty, enchanting and fascinating ingrid, and wound up talking about my adventures as a Leader of Men and Gentleman by act of Congress. He seemed more interested in those stories than anything I talked about which are important to my CD'ing. In fact, as far as i can recall, he never asked a single question about any of that. It's not like I've dated every Admirer entire Russian Army, but all of the newbies I have met have been totally curious about what it's like to be a CD.

It was just a weird experience, and I'm curious if anyone else has dealt with something like it.

Very interesting expeerience...I am really surprised he even show up for the date, what make me think that he may try to contact you again, he just probably got cold feet. I usually try not to gamble with newbies but sometimes some of them are worth the gamble.

[StarrOfDelite]

Very interesting expeerience...I am really surprised he even show up for the date, what make me think that he may try to contact you again, he just probably got cold feet. I usually try not to gamble with newbies but sometimes some of them are worth the gamble.

I've been wondering why he showed up instead of canceling, also. The possibility always exists that he was trying to be scintillating and is just a dud, although if his emails had indicate that I wouldn't have met him F2F in the first place. I agree whole-heartedly with your comment about newbies. I try to avoid the guys who view us as something akin to a new Thrill Ride at Six Flags, but every once in a while a bad one can slip through the net of defences I've developed over the years.

[Barbara Dugan]

I try to avoid the guys who view us as something akin to a new Thrill Ride at Six Flags,

Yes some guys act that way but they are easy to spot.

[Badtranny]

mmmmmm I love newbies.

I like to be face to face with him so I can see the look. You know, that look he has at the very moment that he realizes that he me may never go back. They only have it once, ...and it's precious. lol

Oh and ladies, I don't know about you, but a ride at Six Flags ain't got nuthin' on me. ;-)

[Barbara Dugan]

I posted this question on a new Thread, the question I believe is universal but as Maya pointed the question can take a different angle for the Gay crossdressers.

The other day at The Home Depot I ran across a gay couple, they were doing what any couple does at the The Home Depot when they are renovating their houses. I really got lovesick and came to realize that I always been single and not getting any younger I long to experience those kind of moments that you can only have on a relationship...But I think that my chances to find a gay partner that love me the way I am are slim and let me pondering if I ever had to choose between love or dressing, what would be my choice?...would you gave up dressing for love?

[maya1love]

Hi Barbara: Thanks for agreeing to repost your question here! Well, I thought hard about the question you were asking. If you are feeling that yearning to be in a loving gay male relationship, there is no reason why that is not possible. If you want to be in a loving relationship with a gay guy where he is tolerant and accepting of your dressing, that is also possible. Whoever has told you that no gay guy would ever want to be in a relationship with you if they knew that you are a crossdresser is completely wrong. But, first you must make a decision about who you wish to be in your life -- do you realistically see yourself as someone who is most comfortable being identified as a gay man and who crossdresses in private (or public) from time to time, or do you see yourself living half the time as a man and half as a woman, or living full-time as a woman? If your ideal is to be one half of a gay male couple (like the couple you saw at Home Depot), then you must start meeting gay men as a man, and going to gay events and going on dates with gay men. I can assure you that you will find at least one gay man who will think that you are absolutely fantastic and will nurture your crossdressing and femininity because he is so "into you" and just wants you to be happy.

As I have personally experienced myself (and I will share below), there are definitely gay men who would enjoy, or at least be tolerant of, having a partner who dresses from time to time, but they don't actively seek out a crossdresser as a partner (just like most "quality" straight women do not seek out crossdressers as husbands but some of them eventually grow to love that aspect of their husbands). You will need to decide who you want to be the majority of the time -- a man or woman, and then market yourself to that community. Go on dates, attend events, and be out there. That's the best way to meet quality men. I mean "quality" only in the sense that meeting people in your own community and in your own friends circles will be the ones who have things in common with you and are the best candidates to be in a long term relationship with.

I think that many of the ladies here find themselves on the receiving end of romantic attention from online t-admirers. It is so flattering, but such a grand illusion. The problem is that you can't really build a relationship (if that is what you are truly seeking) simply because you are a part time t-girl and he is a t-admirer and he likes your online profile. That isn't who you are most of the time, right? Many of us look like pretty regular guys most of the time! ha ha! So, my advice is that even though it is tempting to reply to the gestures of a t-admirer, it isn't practical, except for casual sex -- he's not likely to stick around to love all of you because he is attracted to you as a t-girl only, and if he does, he may not have enough in common with you to spend a Sunday afternoon at Home Depot! If you spend 10-15% of your time dressed as a woman, then you can expect to find a t-girl admirer who will be with you 10-15% of the time as well. I think it is a big mistake to expect a t-admirer to grow to love your male side and to fully accept you. These cases do exist, but they are few and far between. How many straight crossdressers married women who actively sought them out as crossdressers?

Almost at the end of my sermon, I promise... Okay, so, I may have my first boyfriend. (And I am 38 years old, BTW.) I mentioned him in an earlier post as a gay guy who was interested in me and who I eventually told that I dressed. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, and went out as two men on the date. Even though I turned him down because I wasn't attracted to him, he has pursued me and ... he seems to have won me over. Very nice guy. He even bought me lingerie for my birthday recently! So, he's fine with the dressing. My dressing is just a small part of our time together and our conversation. This dating is very new, so I will keep you all posted about us!

[Barbara Dugan]

first you must make a decision about who you wish to be in your life -- do you realistically see yourself as someone who is most comfortable being identified as a gay man and who crossdresses in private (or public) from time to time, or do you see yourself living half the time as a man and half as a woman, or living full-time as a woman? If your ideal is to be one half of a gay male couple (like the couple you saw at Home Depot), then you must start meeting gay men as a man, and going to gay events and going on dates with gay men. I can assure you that you will find at least one gay man who will think that you are absolutely fantastic and will nurture your crossdressing and femininity because he is so "into you" and just wants you to be happy. !

Thanks Maya for your valuable input,I always give thought about it and always I end up with the same comfusion..I guess that one is the root of my problem

[Adelina]

Almost at the end of my sermon, I promise... Okay, so, I may have my first boyfriend. (And I am 38 years old, BTW.) I mentioned him in an earlier post as a gay guy who was interested in me and who I eventually told that I dressed. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, and went out as two men on the date. Even though I turned him down because I wasn't attracted to him, he has pursued me and ... he seems to have won me over. Very nice guy. He even bought me lingerie for my birthday recently! So, he's fine with the dressing. My dressing is just a small part of our time together and our conversation. This dating is very new, so I will keep you all posted about us!

I am incredibly jealous Maya Are there any similar boys in Ontario?

[maya1love]

Hey Adelina -- no need to be jealous! Nice guys exist everywhere -- just remember not to lead with the "crossdressing" issue, because other things are more important, I think! Establish a rapport with him first, then tell him that you dress -- same rule applies to straight crossdressers too.

Barbara, I want you to know that I also struggle with whether I am a "gay male crossdresser", or a "transgender person". I think the labels are less important then envisioning a dream for yourself of who you'd like to be and what your ideal relationship would be. For me, I think I will continue to dress 10% of the time, and I will always like men regardless of how I'm dressed, so being part of a gay male couple makes more sense to me than the other options. Life is imperfect, after all!

[joannemarie barker]

I'll be quite happy to be male most of the time in a gay relationship.I will be honest with my man about dressing and be quite happy to keep my dressing to myself if he doesn't like it.just as long as he's kind and respectful and preferably the top in bed.

[Barbara Dugan]

Many of us look like pretty regular guys most of the time! ha ha! !

You are totally true on this Maya..and I think is one of the mayor issues we have..most of the time the guy that is attracted to us when we are dressed may not be the same guy that we atract on regular guy form. One example on OkCupid I used to get approach a lot from regular heterosexual or Bicurious males...then OkCupid gave the option to be seen only from gay or Bi guys and now I rarely get approached just views

[StarrOfDelite]

Re: Attracting exclusively gay Men. This is going to be disjointed, and stream-of-consciousness to some extent, so I apologize in advance. I live my life 90%+ in DRAB, not because I'm ashamed of my crossdressing or sex partner preferences, but because it's easier to do so. I've been married 3x to gender women, and divorced/dissolved 3x, and have not had a significant, stable relationship with a Gay man (whether styled as Bi-sexual or not). I have, also come to the reluctant conclusion that I am not bisexual. I am a Bottom Gay Crossdresser. The last time I had sexual relations with a gender woman was 7 1/2 years ago, and although I've dated gender girls since I've never really felt sexually attracted to them. Thus, like Joann, I feel I could live with the right witty, educated, attractive, simpatico exclusively gay man if he was willing to be the Man in bed. Having been thrice "in love" seriously enough to get married, and having failed thrice, I am of the Tina Turner "just a second hand emotion" persuasion on Love, and am not looking for anything more involved than FWB. Of course, sometimes Love does develop from that despite the preconceptions of both parties.

I'm really not sure if I could give up my wigs, makeup, thigh-highs, garter belts, dresses, designer jeans, bra's and breast forms. I've purged too many times, and could never stay away.

The question I have is whether that type of guy who would make a commitment to a CD even looks at CD profiles online. I have TS profiles on Gay dot com and Adam for Adam, and nary a legitimate nibble from either site, just IM's from guys who are looking for some quick relief via the chat rooms. Not even the Adult Friend Finder guys who want me to drive 75 miles to meet them in a bar parking lot so we can "make love" in the bed of a pickup truck (But, darlin', it has a tonneau cover.")

It just seems to me that if the CD'ing is part of a person's core being, and if Gayness is part of a person's core being, how can you give up either for something as ephemeral as "Love."

Now, maybe a million dollar pre-nup would make me sing a different tune.

[maya1love]

"The question I have is whether that type of guy who would make a commitment to a CD even looks at CD profiles online. I have TS profiles on Gay dot com and Adam for Adam, and nary a legitimate nibble from either site, just IM's from guys who are looking for some quick relief via the chat rooms. Not even the Adult Friend Finder guys who want me to drive 75 miles to meet them in a bar parking lot so we can "make love" in the bed of a pickup truck (But, darlin', it has a tonneau cover.")"

Ingrid, I guess if you are looking for a friend with benefits (FWB), and not a serious relationship, then I think that you are doing the right thing by leading with the fact that you are a crossdresser in your profiles. As you've said before, you just have to weed through all of the men who aren't going to fit your bill and you will have some exhausting experiences as the one you described earlier. From time to time, you will have some good experiences too. An admirer's sexual orientation (whether gay, straight, or bi) isn't even relevant at that point --there's no need to restrict yourself to gay men. But, if we are talking about seeking a serious relationship, then I still think that leading with the fact that you are a crossdresser isn't the best way to go. There are so many men (and women) who don't know that they would be perfectly happy being in a committed relationship with a part-time crossdresser and they wouldn't know to look for it specifically in an online ad. Instead, they'd probably be scared off by it. Just my thoughts!

[ReineD]

But, if we are talking about seeking a serious relationship, then I still think that leading with the fact that you are a crossdresser isn't the best way to go. There are so many men (and women) who don't know that they would be perfectly happy being in a committed relationship with a part-time crossdresser and they wouldn't know to look for it specifically in an online ad. Instead, they'd probably be scared off by it.

Exactly! This is the same situation with CDers who are attracted to GGs. When the question is asked, members here including myself do suggest to CDers they should meet prospective partners as their guy selves, but then tell them about the CDing as soon as sparks start to fly. This is what happened between my SO and I. He told me the minute the relationship moved on to the next level and by that time I cared enough about him to want to learn more. I did not feel lied to. We were not in an established romantic relationship for years, or even for months before he told me. On the other hand, had he told me the very first time I met him before there was any real interest on my part, I likely would have mentally classified him as a "no go", just based on the little I did understand about CDers.

However, here's what's important: if a CDer (whether attracted to men or women) does live his life mostly male and does not plan on changing things drastically, then using the above approach is not lying. It is, in fact, being cautious about who he shares his innermost self with until he gets to know the person better. BUT ... if in the back of his mind he believes that eventually he will want to be full time and it is only a question of finding a partner, or securing a job in a non-discriminatory environment, or dealing with any other barriers before putting the wheels in motion, then I don't think it would be honest to start off a relationship representing himself in a gender that he does plan to discard in the future.

I guess maybe the difficult part is for a TG to explore him or herself fully and know beyond a shadow of a doubt who he or she is. If fact, it's a good idea for anyone to know themselves, what they want and what they need, before entering any relationship, whether or not there are gender issues.

[maya1love]

Good stuff, Reine!

[StarrOfDelite]

Maya, you and Reine are probably correct in thinking that proclaiming gay crossdresser status is not a good way to meet someone online. I've pretty much given up on the dating sites anyway. If they aren't hookup sites they don't have any categories for me. E.g. OKCupid and POF. I travel a lot, and spend down time at "home" in the Allegheny foothills, or in Manhattan which is where the home office is located. The gay scene in western PA and northeast OH is limited, and New York is just different from everywhere else. The lure of New York City is that no one bothers a person who looks and acts weird and it's easy to slap-dash some makeup, pull-on a wig and a bit of androgynous clothing, and go out and about without worrying about passability or being read because nobody cares. That attitude, however, arises from the fact that so many Manhattanites are weird and self-absorbed and really don't care about much except their own situation. Great people for conversation, partying, maybe FWB and/or move-in-together to share rent and romps, but generally not the kind who are willing to make a commitment. I haven't been to Toronto for years, but would guess it's the same sort of ambiance? Maybe I should relax my phobia about being a "joiner" and look at Tri-Ess et cetera.

Reine, I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but, based only on my own experience, knowing oneself beyond a shadow of a doubt is damnably hard to do. Sometimes I'll go to the fridge and stand staring into the freezer drawer for five minutes, while the open door alarm is beeping, trying to decide if I want to eat a pepperoni, a supremo or a three-cheese pizza for dinner, so that doesn't say much positive about my ability to make decisions about what I want and need from an inter-personal relationship.

[ReineD]

Reine, I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but, based only on my own experience, knowing oneself beyond a shadow of a doubt is damnably hard to do.

Yes it is hard, it does take a lot of courage, and it can take a lifetime to cut through all the rationalization.

So, I'll change it then to understanding ourselves enough about the important stuff to know where we want our lives to go.

How's that? :D

[Barbara Dugan]

Yes it is hard, it does take a lot of courage, and it can take a lifetime to cut through all the rationalization.

So, I'll change it then to understanding ourselves enough about the important stuff to know where we want our lives to go.

How's that? :D

Reine, you just sound like my therapist

[ReineD]

Oooops, Sorry! :p

I'll try to do better next time. :D