First, to answer your question, no, I am not just a crossdresser. I am, as I have come to understand myself over these last few months, TS. Over the last few months, I have enbarked on a inward journey to understand myself and I have made some discoveries that I hope will be helpfull.
First of all, I have discovered an internal conflict within myself. It is not the conflict with my male and female selves, but a conflict between two parts of my femminine whole. It is a conflict between my inner lady and my inner bitch. Logic, reason, compassion, forgiveness, and love are the qualities i find in my inner lady. Her alter ego can best be described with the words from Captain Jack Sparrow. "She is the embodiement of a woman's scorn, the likes of which Hell's furry hath no." She rages inside my head, seething with anger and hatred. What makes many of us different is how we deal with these feelings of anger, frusteration, and often times jealousy. It affects the theings we say, the way we act, and it forms part of the lens through which we see the world.
I often wish that I was Just a crossdresser. I wish that a change of clothes was all it took to make me happy. But that just ain't the way it is, not for me anyway. And my inner bitch rages in my head. She screams about how much she hates that crossdressers have it so much easier than us. She yells out how much easier it would be if I didnt need therapy and hormones, and surgury, and all this dam waiting. She slams her fists down on the table shouting that they have the luxury of staying in the closet and not having to worry as much about societies rules and the rejection that comes when you don't conform to them. Then the yelling stops, and she falls to her knees. she begins to cry. She sobs abohow expensive her happyness is. She laments about how she is going to tell her parents that they will never have grandchildren. She is a part of me, and it has taken me a long time to learn to deal with these feelings, and sometimes I still don't know what to do with them. Sometimes we don't always choose the best way of dealing with our emotions, and we vent our anger and frustration on people who don't deserve it. It is not right, and it is not fair, but sometimes that's just the way it is. All I can do is try my best not to hurt someone else, and understand that those who are hurting others are them selves huting, and hope that they will find their own peace soon. That is just part of the world we live in.
