For me, it is the "average joe" that is the illusion. I tried for decades to "pass" as a normal man, and IMHO didn't do a very good job at it. Finally, after a half-century of pretending, I started trying to "pass" as myself, whoever he is. It is when I dress that I show something of who I really am -- at least, to the extent that one can ever see who someone "really is" simply by looking at them.
I find that it is much easier to pass as a Unique Individual rather than trying to pass as a gender. Passing is subjective to your internal view of yourself, but this thread isnt about passing as man or woman, this thread is about couples who struggle with acceptance and understanding within their own personal relationships.

The more you have to pretend to be somebody else, the less you are anybody at all, and the more you become a shell of a man. And the more you have to hide parts of your essential self (because society won't tolerate it)
This statement bothers me. You hide because society wont accept you?...sounds familiar,i used to hide too. Then i went out. The more i went out, the more all these ingrained societal anxieties were left in the closet i stepped out of. Ive been out many times now and yet to have a "bad" experience. No one was waiting with pitchforks and torches.... And over the past couple of years i have quit letting fear rule my happiness as a Transgender Man. My quality of life is superior now compared to what it was after i gave fear back to the society that "wouldnt tolerate me"

Dont let Fear rule your life. Own who you are.

-Donni-